Need Support! Pregnant and Unsure of the Outcome.

If your husband was perfectly content with his 3 boys then he should have thought about permanent birthcontrol and went through with it.

Abortions are not birth control. I cant imagine you having an abortion for anyone but yourself, if your husband cannot support you and your unborn baby that he helped you create at least emtionally, then maybe this marriage isnt worth fixing????

10 moms found this helpful

How can your marriage be fixed when your husband is only thinking of himself.

I hope this doesn't feel negative to you but if a marriage cannot withstand a baby I just don't feel like there is much worth fighting for there. Thing is if you go forward there is a good chance this will not destroy your marriage.

I guess I am saying give your husband a chance to show who he really is and continue with this pregnancy. My god if economically he cannot handle another child they put the child up for adoption, then the medical bills are covered.

I could never be with a man who asked me to abort our child. Maybe that is just me.

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I agree with Molly. If he was so dead set against a 4th child that he would want to abort it then he should have gotten clipped.

I'm pro-choice, but at this stage in my personal beliefs (about me and my life) no one could talk me into aborting one of my children.

It's your marriage, and you just fixed it, so our opinion shouldn't matter. But considering he had discussed having a 4th, and didn't bother to use birth control!!! I think it's way out of line for him to suggest doing this.

This is where he becomes a man and sucks it up. And then gets himself a vasectomy.

Wow.

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Babies are not convenient. They are a blessing, always.

9 moms found this helpful

'We both agreed that eventually we wanted to have a fourth baby'. - your words!

I am pro-choice through and through. If you fear abortion, though, there is always adoption and/or the chance that your husband will accept the pregnancy/baby.

And then, permanent birth control for either one of you, to avoid any other dilemmas.

PS - birth control doesn't have to be prescribed......

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I suggest that you'd benefit from some counseling around the abortion issue. I think Planned Parenthood offers counseling with the focus being to help you decide. You could also ask your doctor for a referral to someone who specializes in this issue.

For me, I'd wait and see if with time your husband will be able to accept it. I'm rarely in favor of abortion which would make my decision in this case much easier. I would not abort. I would focus on communication with my husband so that he understood how I felt. I would also work to understand his feelings. Often, just calmly sharing thoughts and feelings works to reach a mutually satisfactory decision.

This is a rough spot that could result in the two of you being closer. It's a decision to be made together.

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Your husband knows unprotected sex results in babies. He's not a child, but he sure is acting like one. HE made an oops, not just you. He can't just tell you to get an abortion and take it back. At this point, YOU need to do, what YOU feel is right. Your husband is being petty, childish, and selfish. Abortion is NOT and should NOT be birth control. He had his chance with birth control, and didn't take it.

It's not an oops, when you aren't on birth control and have sex. Sorry. An oops is when you take the precautions and it happens anyway. He can't pretend this is all an accidental occurrence now.

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It is still early and maybe he just needs some adjustment time. I hemorrhaged after my daughter was born and my husband was really angry with our daughter, even though it was misplaced anger, he still didn't like her. Now he regrets feeling that way and is head over heels in love with her. Just give him time. It is up to both of you if you consider terminating but I think it will be the wrong thing to do. I think in time it will all work out. Hugs to you.

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I really like the way you closed your request. I'd keep the focus on the tension between those conflicting needs and emotions next time you and your husband talk. Acknowledge the difficulties, and try to draw out his sense of his own needs. Clarify your own needs.

Needs are never wrong, even if they seem to be in direct opposition. They are still valid, and if you can stay in that mode, then you can keep talking until you find the solution that most nearly meets everyone's needs. This does require compromise, but often who would do best to compromise, delay or surrender certain needs becomes clearer with ongoing talk.

So, back to your closing thoughts. How about reframing them in terms of needs, stating them as positives, and change your 'buts' to 'ands,' which will not keep negating the statement that just proceeded the 'but.'

"I have valid needs and feelings that put abortion beyond my reach. I hope to have another child, and am worried that your feelings in this area seem to have changed. And as much as I'd like to have another, I would wish that bringing a baby would enrich and strengthen this marriage that we've worked successfully to fix. I love you dearly and I don't want to add extra stress to your life. And I'm considering my emotional and mental state, too. I think my life would be even more joyful if our family grows. Sweetheart, I really want us to understand each other's needs here. Will you tell me more about your hopes and feelings on this subject?"

From there, you can begin to look for ways to meet each other's needs; perhaps alternatives to the choices that seem to exist now. I hope you'll look into Non-Violent Communication as a way to respect each other as you grapple with a situation that's difficult for you both, but in different ways. Lots of information is available online. My husband and I have been using these techniques to very good effect for the past 10 years, but they are helpful even if only one person applies them.

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My thought is that you need to be realistic. If you know that you cannot afford to have a baby right now, and your husband is not on board with having a baby right now, and you have no means of supporting yourself at the moment, if you marriage ends as a result of continuing this pregnancy, then you shouldn't have a baby right now. I know a lot of people say that love will find a way, but honestly in my experience that doesn't really hold true. I never met anyone poverty-stricken who was truly happy.

That being said, who knows. Maybe you will get a job offer. Maybe your husband will get a big raise at work. Things may suddenly change for the better. But I don't know if it's wise and rational to have a baby in the hopes that things might work out okay.

I will tell you this. My husband and I found ourselves in a similar predicament a few years ago. I miscarried (and both of us were relieved). In the past few years, our financial circumstances have turned around so that we ARE better off now than we were then. However, with the addition of a third child (in our case), we would have been just barely scraping by now, if I'd even been able to continue working at all - and if I weren't working right now, we'd be at poverty level. Not having the baby worked out for the best in our case. Actually I hadn't given it another thought since I miscarried until I saw your question - so I guess long-term, it was not emotionally difficult at all for me.

Good luck. Tough decision, but I would try very hard to make the best logical and analytical decision possible, rather than deciding emotionally, if you can.

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I would be seriously concerned with your mental and physical wellbeing more then appeasing your husband. Sorry. That's just me.

However, I can give you a story. My own MIL gave birth at 42 years old to her 5th child. He was totally unplanned( she thought she was going through early menopause!) , and during the most stressful time of their lives. They had no health insurance, and were struggling in finances. The thought crossed both of their minds that it just wasn't plausable. However, they decided together to leave it in God's hands.

He was born healthy, and is the brightest star in the family. He is now 17, vice president of his class in high school, honor roll, musician, and acting in his third play this year. They can't imagine their lives without him in it.

Just something to think about. Your situation in only temporary, but your decision will be permanent.

5 moms found this helpful

Imagine the harrowing emotional and mental state you will both be tortured with the rest of your lives if you choose to abort. All the "what if's"...

Change is hard, but a heart is never too busy to offer more love.

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Oh wow...what a situation here. I'm so sorry you all have to go through such emotional thoughts. Yes love can outweigh a lot, but it does take a lot more than love to raise a family...ie; financial stability. It must be hard to even consider abortion. I use to be pro-choice until I looked at some very disturbing abortion pictures. It broke my heart. However, I'm not against abortion if it is medically necessary. If you all can't afford to raise another child, I would like to suggest adoption instead. There are plenty of couples out there who can't have babies that would love to adopt. :-)
This is a life changing decision, whether you choose to abort, or adopt out. There will be that emptiness that you will possibly endure for the rest of your life, and not to mention the guilt that goes along with it. I believe if you all work hard enough, you both can get through this together and have your 4th child. :-)
I don't think bringing a baby into the world causes the harm to marriages....only the parents who cannot communicate and work "together" that causes it. Children are a blessing and should be looked upon as such, and not looked upon as a cause of marital problems. (not saying that is what you meant, but I wanted to give you a different mindset to having your baby).
Keep talking with your husband in a loving and understanding way. Each of you accept how the other feels, and decide on getting through this "together". :-) Let him know that you respect how he feels, and ask him to consider the greater good that can come out of having your baby. Love is unconditional and has no limits, so there's no question that there is going to be enough love to go around. :-) Positive mind brings positive outcomes. Keep telling yourself that ok. Best wishes and many Blessings to you and your family.

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None of us can tell you the right decision for your family. In the end, it is you, not us, who will live daily with the choice made.

That being said, you asked for advice. My husband and I always wanted 4 kids, but our fourth came at an unexpected and inopportune time. He had a harder time being okay with the idea than I did, but I now secretly think she's his favorite. If he'd have suggested an abortion, I'd have been devastated. I would never trade my child for a marriage if it actually came down to it.

But, bear in mind that you do have to have a plan on mind on how to support 4 kids, with or without him. Public assistance can be good for a crutch when you are in a bad situation, but you can't rely on it as a way of life. If things are hard now, you will have to find a job. It is going to put more stress on your marriage because things can't stay the same.

If you truly feel as though you won't be able to find a job that will help balance the extra expenses, or that another child would not bring your family closer together, I'd urge you to consider an open adoption. You would still have the opportunity to see your baby, even of only on pictures, and be kept up to date on their life. You are going to encounter many moms who are anti-abortion, but again, we don't have to live your life and our choices may not end up being right for you and your family. I hope everything works out for the best and you are able to make a decision that you all are happy with.

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Did you get pregnant deliberately (as in no birth control) or was it a birth control snafu?

Not that it makes much difference in the long run but might help explain your husbands state of mind.

I don't know what to tell you - it is so hard. My hubby and I have decided we want no more kiddos - have two - one boy, one girl - and everything is great. However, I'm on the pill which is not fool proof - and we kinda talked around the idea of an abortion if I ever get pregnant despite the birth control.

A hard hypothetical conversation and an even harder "in reality" decision to make - I'm sending you clarity and strength.

Good luck.

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I get the feeling an abortion would destroy you and possibly your marriage.
A baby, even though you are thinking of what it could do to your family, might
add stress but every morning when you see that little face smile at you, you
know you can make it through the rough times. It just sounds like an
abortion is not for you.

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From what I know psychologically, if you do have an abortion, will it cause anger and resentment in your marriage? Will you have that 'what if' and longing feeling? I know it is common in these type of situations, my mother in law is an adoption/abortion counselor and she sees more marraiges destroyed by abortions than by going through a challenging time having a new baby.

You know what, we are pregnant with our surprise number 3 baby. So far, I have 2 boys... so we will see if I have another! We are stressed up to our eyeballs about how we are going to afford this child, our insurance sucks and I just got my 'itemized' bill of how much this pregnancy is costing, and wow... it's stressful. But I believe the stress of financial burdens is worth it for a new heavenly gift. If I were to get an abortion out of financial fear or readiness, I think I would lose my mind in severe depression. No one is ever ready for a baby, if you were wanting a fourth eventually, then this is the time. You probably won't be really financially set for what, another 3-5 years? Then what? Other things will come up. The time to embrace it is now.

Your husband should go ahead and get a vasectomy in the meantime. :)

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I don't think abortion is the answer and I dont think you feel that it is either. My husband is in the military and I stay at home with our 4 kids. We don't get paid much, but we sat down 2 years ago and decided we needed a better financial plan. We started Dave Ramsey Total money makeover and are debt free AND it helped our marriage. No more money arguments.
But if you decide a baby isn't right at this time, adoption is something to seriously consider. I have fiends who aren't able to have biological children and adoption has helped them start a family. :). Good luck in your decisions but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try and get the abortion talk out of his head.
And daveramsey.com has some great resources. New baby or not.

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I hope that you are able to see where he is coming from here.
1. You talked about having a 4th child, but was this an accident? Was he aware that you were "trying" for a 4th child?
2. He wants to use your limited resources to nurture and enrich the children that you have already. Having another child will limit his ability to do so.
3. You are not employed and you have no insurance. How are you planning on paying for this child? I'm sorry, but you are wrong when you say that family love is enough. It's simply not. He's the financial provider for your family and in getting pregnant (without his knowing participation), you have added more financial stress to HIM.

If you were considering your husband in any of this, you would not be pregnant in the first place. I'm not saying that you should have an abortion, but I do think that you need to continue talking with your husband about his feelings. My guess is that he's feeling a bit "tricked and trapped" right now. That's a lot to take in.

Be patient with him and if you simply cannot terminate your pregnancy (I know that I couldn't), be prepared to start contributing financially to your family as soon as possible. Have a real plan in place, even if it is cleaning houses 2 or 3 days a week, babysitting or finding a job at a daycare so your little ones can come with you. Take some of the pressure off of him- he didn't ask for the additional pressure. You put it on him. Be prepared to take some of it off, one way or another.

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Big hugs - I very much understand your pain. Our 3rd and 4th child were both very much not planned. Our first two weren't either - I was a single mom and he was a single dad. As cruel as this sounds, my husband very much didn't want any of the three kids that are biologically his. He took his daughter's mother to the abortion clinic and she changed her mind. He asked me to abort our first child together (our 3rd child collectively) because I got pregnant on the pill a few months before our wedding. I was on the mini pill and that baby was 13 months old when his vasectomy was rescheduled and we got pregnant with our youngest child that weekend. Announcing each pregnancy to him was very hard, and he was really quite awful to me during those pregnancies as the result of his stress and ambivalence.

And yet...he can't imagine life without any of our kids. We now have custody of his daughter and we have gone through hell and back getting her out of a bad situation. He would walk through fire for her. Our little boys are the light of his life, especially our youngest, who is the sweetest, funniest, coolest, smartest, sportiest, all around best little guy we could ever imagine.

Have faith that he will come around and that things will work out for the best. If your marriage has been strained before and you've managed to find your way back to each other, you can do that again. If you are at all spiritual, pray for peace and strength, and for God to speak to your husband's heart. He will love your baby as much as the other three kids. You will one day not be able to look at a picture from now, pre-baby, and think your family is complete. You really don't sound like your heart is in the place it needs to be to justify an abortion, and you don't want to carry that terrible regret for the rest of your life.

Best of luck to you. I hope that things turn out OK.

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First, I'm sorry you have been put in this position. Last time I checked, it took two to get preggers. This didn't "just happen" he fully participated. Even if you are on birth control there is always the chance of a bundle of joy to come at the end of 9 months!

I can't imagine my husband asking me to consider an abortion. Doesn't matter how economically bad off we were, he would have been delighted. I'm wondering if you were the one talking about a 4th and he was just "yes dearing" you.

I am pro choice but the older I get the more I see things in a different way. I am just troubled for you in this situation. I would strongly suggest counseling for both of you. To me, it doesn't sound like a "fixed" marriage.

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You poor thing! I agree with another poster who wondered how the marriage could be fixed if your dh is being selfish? Now he is making you feel awful-it seems like he isn't fully invested in your family right now. He is invested in the physical things clearly but now that this 4th baby you have talked and dreamed about comes along suddenly he doesn't want it?
I also think he might need more time. Good for you for applying for medicare. I really don't have any profound words of wisdom other than don't let him make you feel badly about this!!! He is a grown man who knows how babies are made. He made his bed and he needs to deal with it in a way that doesn't make you feel awful.

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Ericka,

I just wanted to say, I know you are overwhelmed right now and you don't know what to do. Its time to seek out some help from a friend or other trusted person. Someone who you can talk to to and not be judged. Hang in there and just remember---finances and other obstacles can be so hard, but babies are a blessing. Some blessings come in disguise. Congrats on your new baby!

M

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If you are not 110% comfortable with the idea of not having this baby, then don't have an abortion. It is not something you can ever take back.

If he truly did not want a fourth child, then he could take steps himself, like getting a vasectomy or taking a moment to get a condom. An abortion is a Big Deal. He's not asking you to watch football on weekends. I would talk to him about how to make it work vs trying to talk yourself into an abortion.

If "make it work" ends up being "separate households" then so be it. People might do things (like have unprotected sex) thinking "it won't ever happen to me..." and then get bent when it does. He chose his actions and he's had enough children to know what causes them. You both took a chance together.

My DH is an "oops" baby so to speak. And so was I. I'm not saying that our families always found it easy to raise us, but they made it work and I'm glad they did. I've heard the figure that 50% of children are not really planned. Look around. Would you miss 50% of your friends?

Frankly, there are a ton of things your DH can do with his kids that won't break the bank. Sports don't have to be a financial killer and they are additional. If I ever had to choose between DD or SD taking riding lessons, there would be no choice. SD's not riding would not ruin her life.

There are people who are just Bad Parents who shouldn't be around a goldfish. But it doesn't sound like you're one of them. So, the baby changes a few things. Shuffle the deck. Talk to him. But don't do something you don't believe in.

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You've had some WONDERFUL women give you some great advice!!
Coming form someone that had an abortion during her senior yr of high school. I remember every moment, what day and time that I did it. While I believe it was the right thing to do for me, at that time in my life. I was still very sad and tok me awhile to get past it. I'm 100% I would do it again. Again it was the right thing for me to do

I think that you should sit down and talk with your hubs about everything. If ya'll had talked about 4, why is he going back now? Remember even when your "ready" to have kids, your still never "ready:. :)

I believe I got a second chance when I got pregnant 2 yrs after I got married with twins. :)
You have a hard decision, but I would sit down and talk EVERYTHING out, cause if you don't. You both could end up resenting each other. HUGS to you!

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If an abortion doesn't feel 100% right to you and you go through with it; you will end up resenting him for it and it will put just as much stress on your marriage as having a baby your husband doesn't want.

Now I don't know your husband, but I'd be willing to bet when that baby is born he will probably fall in love with it just like the first three. It's pretty unlikely he would not love or want the baby once it got here.

If you terminate your pregnancy without being 100% on board; you will likely forever live with a hole in your heart where your baby was supposed to be.

You guys need to seriously sit down and talk through this. I would suggest with a marriage counselor. Hug to you. I hope you are able to resolve this in a way that is best for you and your family.

Oh, and a previous poster mentioned men's inability to digest major news quickly. This is soooooo true. With my first two pregnancies (both during happy stable times in our relationship w/ no outside stressors); my husband didn't speak to me for two weeks after telling him I was pregnant. He is the kindest most wonderful man on earth and he was ultimately happy about them both, but he was so shocked both times he shut down for a couple weeks. The third go-round, when I announced my pregnancy I told him that even if he was devastated at the idea of another baby he was going to smile and act like it was the best thing ever. I would not start another pregnancy feeling completely alone and unsupported. He got his act together for that one. ;)

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If you don't want the abortion, don't have one. You shouldn't terminate the life of an unborn baby for the current wants of someone else. This has to be about what you want. So your husband is thrown for a loop. You are too. He'll adjust as will the whole family.

I would encourage you guys to get some marriage counseling whether you decide to have the baby or not.

EDIT: I saw your update and I'm relieved to see that he's feeling more excited about the new baby now that you've talked things through. This is a big adjustment, and if he continues to show ambivalence, consider some counseling especially you've had a rough time in the marriage lately. Don't wait until things get bad to work on things that trigger stress in the marriage.

1 mom found this helpful

You can make a deal with him that you will turn the baby over for adoption when it is born. Not have an abortion. Who knows, by the time the baby arrives, he may feel different or your financial situation could be better. Either way, the baby will have parents that love it.

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Will his resentment over you having a fourth be any more damaging to the marriage than YOUR resentment for having an abortion???

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Your husband has only had a week to process this information. In my experience, men take longer to digest this kind of news. There first reactions are not always kind...

He may be feeling scared about the financial, physical, and emotional cost of another baby, especially since your youngest is only 13 months. I could be wrong, but I would let this lie for several more days. And continue this conversation after the news has had a chance to settle.

My husband once made a comment to me "I'm glad you are pro-choice because if you got pregnant now..." I went off and cried buckets and wondered if I should leave him. He was feeling very stressed and financially stretched because we were in the middle of a long custody battle for his two children. He couldn't comprehend the addition of a baby to that. Well, we got through that and eventually had our daughter together. She is the best thing in his life now. I'm sure he wouldn't even remember saying the "abortion" word to me, but he sure did.

Again, I could be wrong and he could be dead set against this, but give him some time before you make any decisions. Aim for a calm moment to bring this up again, or even better, let him bring it up next time. And then be ready to sit down and have a serious talk about finances. I can't tell from your post if another baby will put you into poverty, or he thinks his boys will only be able to be in football, and not football and hockey...

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Not only was it your choice not to protect yourself but his as well if he wanted to only have 3 then this oops wouldn't of happened period.Can't change it all now your pregnant even if you did choose to abort think about it down the road what it could do to you emotionally & to him your marriage.So what happened to bringing in the 4th?You need to ask your husband that question.
I have been a SAHM since I was 6 weeks pregnant with our first child never really looked back I thought about employment but we are fine with me being a SAHM.There are times when things get rough he was laid off for months had to draw unemployment for a while then found another job to pay bills & put food on the table I had to receive state assistantce for our children because the jobs he had didn't offer family health care but he had no choice for income we weren't going to go wtihout.I'm 22 weeks pregnant due in April with our 4th I had the in's & outs of not wanting anymore thought long & hard & before I made my final decision to do something permanetly I wanted to experience concieving again going through pregnancy & becoming a mother to another child we created i'm enjoying every moment of my pregnancy this is our last i'm ready to settle down & focus solely on raisng my family of 4 children & caring for my husband.He would never ever suggest an abortion not even think about it he is a man with an open heart to care love & provide for his family.

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First, congratulations on your pregnancy!!! Second, shame on your husband for bringing up abortion. I get that he's content w/the 4 you have, but you (and your DH), will live to regret that decision for the rest of your life.
I'm in your shoes as far as having a dh that doesn't want anymore kids. I tell him if he doesnt want anymore, then use a condom or get a vasectomy. We have 2 boys & I've gotten pg twice since my youngest was born. Sadly, I lost both pregnancies. What I would do to have those babies!!!!
I'm not being ugly to you, but my response is that your dh knows how babies are made. If he didn't want another one, he knows how to prevent it from happening.
Also, I've heard so many times, people regret not having more kids, they don't regret the ones they have.
Please don't abort your baby!!! You'll both live to regret it.
He'll come around once you give birth to that previous bundle of joy!!

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Go to a nice attorney and they have loads of couples who are looking to adopt a newborn. They can pay you for your time and expenses. It's a win-win but you have to have the mindset that what you are doing is right. it's the greatest gift you can give (well except organ donation).

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I had a friend who had an abortion in her marriage after 2 children and a miscarrage. I don't think she ever got over it. About four years later she had another child. In fact I kind of kidded her about being preggers before we were assigned to Germany.

The marriage I think ended over other things. I can find them so they may have gone their separate ways and may have gone on to heaven.

Back to you my dear, take your time and think long and hard about what has happened and that the 4th baby is on its way. Suggest to hubby now that the deed is done that he needs to get snipped - you birth them he can stop them, right?

Abortion is something that is very very personal and each and every reason for why can be argued. Some women forget about the baby and others live it every day with the "what ifs" and torcher themselves. We can't tell you what way to turn but to think long and hard before you do do anything. If you have the child and the marriage is still upside down, then you know that you have to take care of your children and daddy may have to see you all in the rear view mirror. He was an eager participant so now he has to pay the dues. You play you pay - told that one to my son and he is paying.

There are no guarantees in life. Each day is a new beginning. There is always adoption and someone to love that wonderful bundle.

May you have peace with your decision and a good holiday season.

The other S.

PS Never let a man dictate what you "have" to do. You are you own person.

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If my husband did not want another child and I had three healthy children, I would have an abortion. I know my marriage would survive an abortion. I would not be sure it would survive an unwanted child. And what if that child was not healthy? I think the resentment my or your husband might feel about what this child deprived the 3 others of might be too much to live with every day.

But choosing whether to have a child is your choice. Will this be a deal breaker for your husband? If so, will you and the 4 kids be better off divorced or would you be better off with 3 kids in a two parent home? I think you guys need to keep talking.

I would encourage you to consider adoption before abortion. There are many families, mine included, that cannot conceive and would provide a loving home to your child. My husband and I have one biological child and have now been trying unsuccessfully to have another child for more than two years. We have a wonderful marriage and a beautiful daughter and know that we could provide love, be good role models and provide emotionally and financially. Consider helping people like us.

Good luck - this is a very, very difficult decision.

That is a hard situation to be in and I really feel for you. Have you thought at all about giving the baby up for adoption? Maybe an open adoption so you'd know he/she went to a good home and then they could help with medical costs? Just a thought. Hope it all works out ok for you.