Need Suggestions for a Christmas Gift

Hi, J. -
I know you're concerned for your niece and concerned for your sister, but Christmas is not the time to be trying to fix her life. Christmas is about love and joy. Give your niece a gift because you love her for what she is, not something that is sending a message of judgment. Would you give an overweight loved one a diet book for Christmas? For that one special day, please let it go. Buy her something lovely or fun that a typical 16 year old would love. She'll be happier, your sister will be happier, and most of all, you'll be happier in the long run. Merry Christmas!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J.,

I agree with some of the other moms and think that a gift of time and love would be great. If your niece is one of five kids and mom is incredibly busy just trying to keep the house together and make ends meet, the niece my feel a bit abandoned and has turned to "bad behavior" as an attention getter.

Take her to lunch and a movie. Just spend time with her. If she talks to you great, if she doesn't that is great too. Unconditional love is an incredible gift. If she feels she has a friend and mentor in you she will come to you in times of trouble instead of turning to the streets.

God bless you for thinking of her and I wish you and your family and your sister and her family that happiest of holidays that are filled with love.

L.

I think this child has a lot of issues, especially with having so many siblings and a mom who can't really give them the attention they need. I would suggest one of the Chicken Soup for Teens books. They are uplifting while giving gentle advice. This girl probably has quite a few self-esteem issues, and those books help break down emotional barriers and offer hope, which is what everyone needs. It's also a gift she won't likely sell. I was going to suggest a gift card for her to buy her own book, in addition, but she may use that card to buy something she wants, like trade it for cigarettes. Good luck to you.

You may feel you niece doesn't deserve a thoughtful gift, but she must be dieing inside knowing she is being irresponsible and setting a good example. I'm sure she gets enough "advice" from other adults. What she really wants (especially at the insecure age of 16) is love.
I bet she doesn't help around the house much and is irresponsible because she doesn't have much confidence in herself.
I don't think you should spend more on her than the other siblings, but I do think you should try to learn what she might benefit from without making her feel you are another "adult" telling her she not living up to her potential. She needs confidence and support. She needs to know she can succeed.
Buy her a purse or a gift card to a store in the mall like forever 21.
Good luck!

I haven't read all the responses but have read some and hope I am not duplicating anyone elses advice... If you are willing to purchase a gift for her and are encouraging her to do better in life how about a simple black dress or something that she would be able to wear to a job interview? Maybe you could help her write a resume and encourage her to get a job. It may teach her some responsibility (and reinforce to her that without an education, her prospects for work will be more limited and it may encourage her to go back to school.) If nothing else it may make her feel more responsible and change her outlook on life. I don't think there is a "right" suggestion but I hope she can find a non judgemental person in you and know you are someone she can lean on if she needs encouragement. Maybe that is what she needs to see that she has worth and will encourage her to better herself.
No matter what I wish you and her the best of luck! -S

what about an online class. i know our local school offeres free online classes through primavera.com. maybe you could tell her that you have an outift picked out or that you will take her shopping when she completes this online class. then maybe you can do the same with other gift giving oportunities until she completes enough clasess to graduate. i alwasy told my kids . you can buy whatever you want and you can have a lot of things but you will not have those things forever. an education is something that is all yours and no one can ever take that away.

or maybe you can get her a bus pass so she can go look for a job

I know that it is difficult for you because you want to help. I had a foster daughter who was the same way. I would still get her a gift, such as a kit. Something she has to put together. Like a lip balm kit, bath salts, soap. Something she might be interested in and takes some effort to put together to get the product.

My sister dropped out of school because her friends turned on her. But my sister knew she wouldn't be able to make it out in the world without a diploma or GED. She found a correspondence school and a job. My sister then worked to pay for the school and eventually got her diploma. Now she is a dental assistant and thinking about becoming a hygenist. Sometimes when a student drops out there are problems somewhere or they don't see the point in going to school anymore.

Have you tried talking to the girl in a non-threatening way? You say you have a neat candle business, can you have her "help" out and in return you can take her to the movies or get her a nice outfit?

I think my point is to try to get her involved with something and enthusatic about anything. Perhaps point out possiblities. I don't think a book would help because she wouldn't think it would really apply to her. You can only do so much. I also understand that some people really don't want to help themselves and are selfish. But sometimes all someone needs is a hand out of the dark to see the beauty of possibility.

Hi J.. I work at a therapy based boarding school for kids with simular issues, but that have well off parents.

We have all the kids read:
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens
Man's Search for Meaning
What Kids Need to Suceed
The People Code
Who Moved My Cheese

I am sure there are many more. And you can only hope that she will read them, so pick the one that looks most interesting.

Maybe what she really needs is time and someone to believe in her. I'm not saying that anyone has done a bad job parenting You, as the Aunt can be a respected adult with a friend/parent role to her. Take her out to lunch or shopping and tell her what your concerns are. Let her know that you believe in her abilities to make something of her life. Tell her what you expectations of her our. Maybe she has never seen herself as you do. Offer to help guild her (without doing it for her). You are right, not to give her money. If you think that she might be in need of some new clothes or something, buy them and keep the receipt. Until she is ready to make changes, a book will just collect dust. Truly, your best gift to her is your time.
My brothers kids have had a rough go of it because their parents have repeatedly put themselves over the needs of their children. I have always let the kids know that I was there for them and what I expected of them (like good grades and going to college). And you know, because we have a good relationship, they don't want to let me down, they know that I believe in them and that makes them believe in themselves. My oldest nephew, who by all rights should be a screw-up, drop out, druggie, is getting ready to graduate high school early and wants to join the military so he can go to college. And with the Grace of God he will. See the good in her, not the bad.

What your niece needs now, more than ever is love. The thought that gifts have to somehow be "earned" or "deserved" makes me really sad. Especially Christmas gifts... why are we celebrating Christmas in the first place? Can we only love someone when they form their life around our mold? There's a reason you niece dropped out... no child (and she is still a child) quits school because they're doing great and are loved and respected. She was hurting to start with and needs someone to see her through that and remember who she really is. I could be wrong, but I'm guessing she's the oldest of those 5 kids, too. A book to try and convince her to be like you want her to be won't disguise your feelings toward her. Open your heart and give her a gift that comes from Love.

Hi J., I was also the niece in a similar situation. I am 41 now and have a wonderful relationship with my aunt. It wasn't the gifts I remember, it was her love. When I turned away from bad behavior, I ran to the person who showed me unconditional love, my aunt.

If there is something she is interested in, I would buyer her something related to her interests. I also agree with the "Chicken Soup for the Teen" book idea. Those are a great series of books. You might consider one for your sister,"Chicken Soup for Moms" or something similar. Spending time with her is also good if she is open to that. I wasn't open to my Aunt until I was 20.

Mostly, pray for her, your sister and the family. Prayer helped me turn my life around.

Happy Thanksgiving.

1. She is not going to read any advice or inspirational book you give her, especially if she has the same attitude toward books that you have: that a book is not a fun gift.

2. You are not Santa, and therefore you cannot give out lumps of coal, or their equivalent, as presents.

3. You may not cross your niece's mind often now, but if you leave her out or give her a "lump of coal," after Christmas you will be known forever more as The Aunt Who Humiliated Me On Christmas Day.

4. If you give her nothing, your sister will have to deal with the fallout. (see above)

5. Give her an inexpensive gift that a teen girl would enjoy, like movie passes, a Target gift card, or even a gift card to a book store, where she can buy a CD, a journal, or maybe even a book.

It sounds to me like you are judging her, why don't you get her a journal, with an inspirational note in it for her and just be there for her if she needs you. There's a reason why people are the way they are.

There is a book series...you may have heard of it....TWILIGHT!!! The first book was just made into a movie that is in the theaters now. It would be perfect. It's about vampires....

I would be inclined to suggest alternatives to "going back to school" such as getting the GED or just moving onto some sort of career/job planning. This young lady might not read a book, pointing out the harsh reality of her situation.
An appointment with a professional counselor? Does she have any idea of what she wants to do?? If she does...move on that. If she does not...help give her a way to find a path.
Our current school system does not do a great job of motivating kids intrinsically. It is too much focused on grades, getting into a college etc (external motivation) It should not surprise us that some of our younger citizens (with short attention spans cultivated by the media) can not sustain interest in long term rewards such as a distant job/career. We truly need more vocational training to try to hold onto these kids. College education can come later...when they are ready.
Good luck with your niece!

Hello J., My suggestion would be to take her out to lunch. Tell her that you would like to take her out as a Christmas gift . Maybe she will open up to you and give you some insight on what she may be feeling or thinking. Sometimes all kids need is a little love and understanding. My parents take care of foster children and have been doing so for many, many years. All kids that are acting out really want is someone to love and be loved. They just want us all to know that they they are people too. A lot of times the older children get left out and any kind of attention is better than none at all. Good luck to you.

S.

All of us have made mistakes and have had hard times in our lives, especially the teenage years. I would not imagine withholding a xmas gift from any of my family because they have not lived up to certain expectations or standards or are not living their life they way they should be. Now is the time to show her your love and support and maybe be the person she can turn to in her time of need and see if you can help her understand how life is and not to waste one moment of it. It's obvious she is have a hard time, now is not the time to punish her during the holidays. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do...

Hi J.-
Your niece should only get a book if she is a reader. If she doesn't read, you will be rubbing salt in the wound, whatever that wound may be. How about: a coupon for a manicure/ pedicure, a pair of beaded chandelier earrings, or/and, if she does read, give her an inspirational book about surviving childhood trauma from Oprah's book list. Something has happened to her- it isn't about rewarding or punishing her behavior, but trying to maintain a decent relationship with her so that she will tell you when things go from bad to worse (which may be inevitable, I fear.) Hope it helps- S.

"10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives" by Dr Laura Schlessinger is a great book that should be read by every woman....

How about a stocking with small items that she needs and her mom could use a small financial break? For instance, a toothbrush, toothpaste, dental floss, hairbrush, hairbands, a small journal, with pens, pencils, etc.

It may be a bit much, but if you have $100 you could send her to a Financial Peace University seminar taught by Dave Ramsey. I am currently taking this class at age 38. I believe what Dave teaches about finances and starting young might open her eyes a bit. You can find info on the internet. Good luck to you and your family.

I agree with the other posters who say to show her love! You never know when you might make a difference and just because she is a bit "lost" at the moment doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve a gift from the heart! A book might come across as you preaching to her and she might take it the wrong way.

Why not buy her an in style necklace or other type of jewelry, the gift of a lunch date and a shopping day, or a handmade gift (candles, bath salts) something that tells her that she IS special and someone DOES care about her and love her! Just a thought. I know I was sometimes LOST and the memories I have of those times are of those people that still loved me and wanted what was best for me. When I came out of my funk, I appreciated those little acts of kindness people showed me. Best wishes and Merry Christmas!

Hi J., As I was reading your request, I was reminded of myself at her age as well as my daughter's best friend (15). What I believe is that the best thing that you can give your niece is your love and support. That is REALLY hard sometimes. But she is probably in the place where she feels that she has already let everybody down, so why bother trying? It is really important that someone loves her no matter what. She will subconsciously try to mess up that too, feeling like she does not deserve it. Please persevere - she is worth it. In regard to some books I would suggest - Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul is really good to get into a teen's head. There is also a journal that is available that poses questions to the teen in their language and allows them to purge their negativity into something positive. I would also suggest Battlefield of the Mind for Teens by Joyce Meyer. That one explains how what we are is based upon our own choices and that each and every day we can choose the right path or the wrong path - again in teen language. I will pray for you and your niece. It can be heartbreaking, but please don't give up on her.

I think the PERFECT book would be, "Chicken Soup for the Teens Soul!" It's not judgmental or preachy....but it gives beautiful, thoughtful stories with positive messages. So, in a way, they actually do get your messages across - but in a non-threatening way.

Best,
C.

J.,
I would suggest you find out what her likes and dislikes are and go from there. I'm thinking that if she dropped out of school, books are not likely an interest of hers. I know you and your sister would like school to me her interest, but the gift that will mean the most is one that says you know who she is and what she likes. That takes a little time. Time of getting to know her, taking an interest in her. There's probably a wonderful young lady beneath what you see on the surface.
Have fun discovering her!
B. M.

Hi J.,
I don't have any suggestions for a book but if that doesn't work try a journal. Maybe she just needs to talk (or write down) what is happening in her life and maybe it will help her gain some perspective and have her own private thing in a house of 6??? Anyway I know Barnes and Noble has a large selection of journals. Good luck!

I think you should give her something that she will enjoy. Christmas is for both, and children deserve to be loved and made felt a part of by their family- all of it. Maybe her mother's business is contributing to her behavior- everyone, especially teenagers, need attention and love- unconditionally. Treat her as you would treat your own daughter on christmas- and it sounds like her mom has limited financial means, so get her something that will make her feel special- no matter if she acts like it or not.

I just read through all of the other replies.. some I'm for and some I'm way against.

Please don't give her one of those self-help books for Christmas. It will seem like a lecture and this isn't the time to do it. When my 1st husband and I separated, my mom was sharing Dr. Laura articles with me all the time without spending the time to actually talk with me. I was almost 30 and did not care for that at all. I'd think at 16 it would be even more of a distance builder than anything.

She is one of five children with a mom that is trying her best to provide. She probably just needs some special time. Take her to lunch and window shopping. She might be quiet at first, but after some time hopefully she will talk a little and you will find out more about her interests. Maybe she secretly wants to be a hairstylist, artist, writer, who knows.

Enjoy the holidays with her and the rest of her (your) family. All will be merry :)

Give her a gift certificate to get her GED and a community college course book (free at the community college). Write her a note to let her know YOU believe in HER and she can be anything she wants to and here is her start. Maybe she was bored in school and needs a real challenge or maybe she just feels lost, either way, this may help get her on the right track. Just make sure she is old enough to take the GED before the gift cert expires.

It's fantastic that you are so thoughtful in this. I am going to try to give you a point of view from your nieces side, and I think I am qualified because I was that girl. You wouldn't know it now if you were to meet me because I did turn it all around and have actually exceeded what most people expect of themselves. I say that only as a hope that she can too. There is always a reason why a teen acts out this way and it starts with the basics of how she feels about herself and how she is being supported. I can say that I think you should include her in the gifts because she doesn't need anything else to help her feel bad about herself. I would also say she really does need someone, it sounds like your sister is spread a little too thin to be that person, that can get in her face and NOT ALLOW the behavior, and at the same time show that she is special and worthy. If you can do that as her level headed Aunt, that would be the best gift ever. Good luck and PS, I was just looking for someone that makes soy candles. Can you send me information please?

This sounds like a teenager to me. Teenagers are hard. And being a teenager today is hard. I think what they need from aunts and uncles is support not tough love. Parents are the ones to give tough love. Perhaps you could give her a gift where she and her mom or family would need to interact together, a game or something...

I am a mother of 4 girls, ages 16, 15, 11 and 10. I sincerely believe that what needs to be done is what everyone else is saying. Spend time with her....than she has her own special time.

As far as a gift is concerned, how about an ornament? are you this young ladies Godmother of sorts? My 16 year old'd godmother has given her an ornament all on her own since she was born. My daughter has 16 ornaments what are no body else's but hers.

I would also invite her to your house to help out and maybe teach her how to do chores that make her feel good about herself such as laundry or keeping a tidy bedroom. I guarantee if she is given the extra attention and kinda helped with

How about a book that's just positive encouragement? Perhaps Elizabeth George's "A Young Woman After God's Own Heart."

You could also try a lifestyle book, like "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" or something like that that would encourage her in more positive directions.

I also agree with the other reviewers that unconditional love is probably the best gift for her. I know that the people in my own life who have had the most positive influence on me are those who have never given any advice but have lived exemplary lives as an example, making me want to follow their lead, and extended unconditional love and friendship to me.

Blessings to you and your family!

There is a book entitled "Go Ask Alice" by Anonymous. I believe it is a true story or at least a memoir. It was out a long time ago, and may be hard to find - but I think it would be perfect for your niece. It is the story of a young girl like her who makes some bad choices, and what happens to her. It is gripping and she will probably relate to it. Maybe it will help her from making some of the same poor choices as the narrator.

Good luck.

I just read over all of the other replies and it looks like you have some good suggestions for books. The ideas that stand out to me though are the ones that give her time rather than books. A couple years ago I befriended a young mother of two and given all she had been through, the roads she had chosen to travel down and had been lead down by her parents/boys etc, I think a book that was meant to "direct" would have promptly been put down, followed by a flick of the hair and a stomping out of the room, point defeated.

I think the idea of a gift cert to go out to lunch is a wonderful idea and could actually be what the other kids need too. They may not be making the same choices, but it sounds like your sister has her hands full just trying to tread water, maybe the other kids could appreciate some 1:1 time as well. Then your idea would not be singling her out and pointing the finger as much as reaching out with a rope to grab onto.

Hi J.,

I agree with the person that said you should take her to dinner or lunch. Lend her your ear and listen to what she tells you. This is the best thing to do as you obviously want to help her get through this and change the path she is taking. Show her some unconditional love. Gain her trust and try to steer her in the right direction in a positive manner instead of giving books that she may not even read.

She could very well be depressed as well. I know this as I have to take medicine for my own depression at the moment. I know I felt like quitting school, but I actually kept going because someone reached out to me and listened. Reach out and listen to her without judgment. She will listen eventually. It may take some time to develop the trust, but it will happen.

D. P.

Maybe find out what she's interested in first...spend some time talking to her. I guarantee she has something that interests her...if not she has bigger problems that smoking! But if she's interested in say cosmetology maybe get information about some of the schools...help her pursue what she really likes. I think if you get her a book that doesn't interest her she won't even pick it up...there has to be some common ground to be found here. I definitely wouldn't ger her a gift card or anything like that though. Good luck!