*EDIT - for clarification, the adoption attorney mentioned in my question is a relative of my husband's. He is not a close relative, but not too distant either. We have not known him or met him personally, but have known of him. My mother-in-law speaks with him & he offered this through a conversation he had with her. We hope to be able to meet with him & sit down & talk with him next week.
My husband and I are at the very beginning of the adoption process and would like some direction/personal experiences to help us make the right decisions. We are interested in adopting an infant, and had decided to go through an agency until an adoption attorney offered his services as a private adoption attorney pro bono. We have not been able to sit and talk with him yet, but will soon. In the meantime, I'm trying to research this method of adoption, and finding very little as far as proper etiquette, what steps we would follow in trying to connect with a biological mother who has decided to find her baby a new home, etc. I understand the law and process fairly well in regards to home studies, the actual legal processes, etc. My main concern in doing a private adoption vs through an agency, is that there are so many important services that agencies provide to the biological as well as adoptive parents. Having lost, through stillborn birth, 3 of my own biological children, I understand grief with regards to the loss of a child, and feel that although a biological mother may decide that adoption for her child is the best thing for that child, they are still going to be dealing with that loss for the rest of their lives. I would hate to be involved in any situation that would cause further pain for anyone involved. We did go on to have 1 biological child of our own who is now 2, but are unable to repeat the very difficult process it took to get her here safely. We have always wanted more than one child, and our hearts go out to the many children out there who need loving, nurturing homes. It is my hope that this attorney we are in contact with will act as a liason with different agencies to find prospective mothers, vs the "advertising method" in Dr offices, university billboards, etc (to name a few that I have found as examples through online research). That way the biological mother would have access to any counseling, etc she would need to make the right decision for herself and her child, and we would also have the possible benefit of a less expensive adoption process. I should also clarify, the reason we are even considering just using this adoption attorney vs just going through the agency is financial. It would be quite a bit less expense to go through this attorney than to go through an agency. I'm sorry this is so lengthy! Any personal experiences/advice you could give would be greatly appreciated!!
I have two friends who adopted thru private adoption and an attorney. An attorney who does adoptions should be able to provide some of the services which you're wanting and be able to refer you for others. Make a list of what you want and discuss it with the attorney.
I suggest that agencies will vary as to their sensitivities and services. Going thru an agency does not guarantee the kind of experience you want. Shop around. Use your list.
I have no practical advice on adoption, but an emotional perspective that might be nice to hear. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your children.
A friend of mine got pregnant at 17 and she was in high school. She put her son up for adoption and it must have been an open situation because she saw him from time to time. She knew it was the best thing for her child, but I have to tell you she wasn't tormented by not keeping him. It did not cause her further pain to give up her child, at least not in the long term. I don't believe she's emotionally shallow, either, but I do think she fully understood that at 17 she was not going to be a good mother and it was a relief to her to find someone who was.
Now she's married and has two boys, and I know she's never regretted giving up her first son.
As standard advice, however, I would ask this attorney for references from previous clients. Talk to the local agencies; they can probably give you a reference to a private adoption attorney and you can pay for one session with him or her and get a good guide to judge your attorney by.
1st of all, best of luck with your new journey!!
I have a question that people may need the answer to in order to best help you.
You state "an adoption attorney offered his services as a private adoption attorney pro bono. " Do you personally know this attorney?? Why would he be offering his services for free? I come from a family of attorneys and unless it is a friend of yours an attorney offering his services pro bono does not sound right. It sounds like a situation where you might be setting yourself up for a big surprise once you have moved down this path, are fully emotionally vested, and all of a sudden things aren't as free as you thought.
Unless you know this person and they are doing you a personal favor I would be very hesitant about moving forward with them.
Don't rule out the state adoption agencies. Many of them have sliding scale fees. Something to consider.
When we adopted we used the local state agency. The agencies had a monthly meeting where they would see who had what baby coming in and who had what parents coming in that they could switch or change to meet the needs of the child as requested by the biomother.
Some mothers want an open adoption and others want a closed one. At least with these agencies you will get a health history and sometimes a background as to the parents as to age and why the child was placed for adoption.
Good luck to you. I am truly sorry for your losses.
The other S.
PS My adopted child my son is a wonder and marvel to me. He has his quirks and that's what makes him who he is. He does know that he is adopted and that caused no issue or search on his part.
I have a friend who has adopted two children. Both children were adopted through adoption agencies. For the reasons you listed in your post, I would recommend going through an adoption agency.
My friend's first adoption was a quick and easy process. They adopted a newborn baby girl. When they moved from the East Coast to the Midwest, they decided to use the same adoption agency for their second child. The Midwest branch did not have very many mothers who wanted to give up their children for adoption, and the office didn't seem well run. My friend and her husband languished on the waiting list for more than a year before they gave up and signed on with another adoption agency. The second adoption agency was more expensive, but it was more reputable. Within a month of signing on, they were chosen by a pregnant teenager to adopt her son. Things went smoothly with this adoption too.
The huge benefit to using the second adoption agency was that the adopted son was on the West Coast. The laws were different out there, and the adoption agency helped my friends navigate the different state laws. They also provided counseling to the birth mother to make sure she was comfortable with her decision to put her son up for adoption. In a weird twist, my friend's husband unexpectedly developed feelings for the birth mother. He could not understand the inappropriateness of his relationship with her, and the counselors at the adoption agency helped my friend, her husband, and the birth mother navigate this awkward (but surprisingly common) territory.
I wish you the best of luck. I'm so sorry to hear about your stillborn children. You have three sweet angels watching over you. I hope everything works out with the adoption.
From an adoptee's perspective:
I was adopted through a private, attorney driven process. That coupled with my parents secrecy made it nearly impossible for me to find health info and history as well as find out anything else about my genetic past.
I compare that to friends who were adopted via agencies or foster care. They had easier access to information and many of them had well facilitated open adoptions, which left them less angry and info less than I.
This summer my son's swim teacher adopted a baby girl. She used both an agency and a lawyer. She was ready for it to cost between 30-40 thousand but because of family relationships both the agency and lawyer waived their fees, so her fees were only around ten thousand. Other than the brief conversation we had where she spoke of this, I don't know very much about using an agency. But is it possible that even with an agency you will still need a lawyer? Maybe you can use both? Good luck, and I bet he will be best able to explain how the process works with him when you meet.
