Need Some Advice About Recent Move and Kids

Man, what a mess! I know you miss your boys so much and your husband is being very unfair to them and you. You mentioned family but they don't appear to be "fixing your problem" and you need a good support system. You also did not mention your faith or what you do for work. You have to take responsibility for your mistakes and know that all the marriage problems were not his. Don't be bitter, get productive. I would be glad to do some free counseling with you if you will be honest with me. I may be able to refer you to some services or share some experiences. I can also help you earn some extra income an honest, safe and legal way. Get in touch.

Sounds like you had a crappy lawyer that didn't want to do his job!! He is right, you couldn't leave state with the boys, but what he didn't tell you is that it probably just took a Judge's approval or you just needed to wait till the divorce was over. You'r ex would have probably put up a fight non the less. Myself being a single mom of my daughter from the day she was born till she was almost 4yrs old (till I met my hubby), I can tell you this, it isn't about you anymore. It's about your 3 kids and doing what ever you need to do for them. If you need to take him back to court to get custody, better visitation, etc, then do it. Move to be closer to the boys, so be it. You're daughter's at that tween age so no matter what you decide she will probably have attitude about it. Involve her in the process, don't leave her in the dark about your plans and your love for her as well as your sons. It's tough and it sucks right now, but it will get better, trust me!!!

Good luck
S.

I agree with the other Moms. You need to be closer to the boys. Your husband, unfortunately, is probably right that they do not really know you anymore. At that age, if you are not around they would not remember you. Scary thought, but accurate. Financially, it sounds like you are strapped. Did you have any friends where you used to live? Any support system there to help you seek a lawyer that might be understanding of your financial situation? I have a friend whose husband threatened that he would ruin her, etc... well, she managed to dig a little deeper, find a better lawyer (she had lost custody of her 2 boys).. and now has joint custody and better financial support. Don't be afraid of him. Pull your boot straps up and take him on!
After rereading your question.. . you said you would be "controlled for the rest of your life with the boys".... They are your children though, and it seems you need to deal with whatever life throws at you to be active in their lives.

B.,
I'm sorry that all of this has happened to your family. However, it sounds like your husband's true colors have been shown. From your description, he sounds like a control freak and an abuser. You have done the best thing for your children to get out of a relationship like that. However, you do need to be closer to your boys to be involved with them. He will probably do everything in his power to paint you as the bad guy to the boys and continue to undermine your relationship with them. So to be closer and able to get them every chance you get is best. I would find another attorney. I would consult with your local domestic violence support center, they have resources that can help you and may be able to help you get back to your boys, find housing, a job and an attorney. It is worth checking into. I think that your attorney advised you incorrectly, because people divorce all the time and then the custodial parent moves to another state. So it can be done. Check out all avenues of assistance. Hang in there and get your boys back with you!!
Best wishes to you and your 3 children!!

B.,

Consistency is key with kids. Whatever visitation you were granted by the court, you should follow. If you live too far away to take full advantage, start making plans right away to move. Your boys need to know that their mom was there every single chance the court let her. As for your daughter, kids learn how to be a responsible adult not only from the way they were treated by their parent but also the way their parent treated their siblings. Yes, moving is hard, but she will survive it just fine, especially when she is able to see her brothers more often and she sees her mom being a good mom to her brothers.

I have two step-children. When they lived with their mom, my husband would drive 1.5 hours one way to see then for the 2 hours he was allowed in the custody agreement on Wednesday evenings. He never missed a week. He also had custody of them every other weekend. Again, never missed a week. This went on for several years. Later, he got custody of the kids. The kids' mother never consistently saw the kids and the effect on them was devastating. They began to distrust her and as you may know, kids think about themselves what they think about their parents. Eventually, their mom stopped seeing them altogether for 5 years. They both have terrible abandonment issues. One is 18 now and one is 16.

Your kids are still very young. You have a little time to arrange your life so that you can be a part of their life. They need you no matter what problems you have. They don't care if you're broke or depressed. They just want to see you and feel your love. All kids crave this. It's going to be a hard life for the next years til they are grown but you CAN do this.

When my step-kids' mother stopped seeing them regularly and then altogether, I could not help but think that it was a blessing because she brought so much conflict to all of our lives. But it was far, far worse when she quit them. My 18 year old step-daughter still cries over the abandonment and my 16 year old step-son still refers to how his mom treats him like trash. I have extensive examples of what this has done to them but I know all kids are different and I don't want to totally freak you out. Your boys may never have the extreme reaction that my step-kids do but B., do not take that chance.

My husband and I have tried any number of things to help the kids with the problems they have that stem from their "mom issues". They love us and we them. But there is nothing that can replace a mother's love.

I have tried and tried to think of a way to soften this message up as much as possible because I know you are not in an easy situation. And that it may seem impossible to do what you have to to stay in the boys' lives. And I really feel for you and will be praying for you. But you really have to do this. For yourself, the boys and your daughter. Whatever you choose will definitely have a permanent effect on all of you.

Take care of yourself and get some support from your family members and friends. It's going to be hard but again, you CAN DO THIS!

Hope this helps,

S.

First of all I think you got a bad lawyer so get a second opinion...And secondly I am sure you can agree to some terms but not all Sounds like youre ex his a control freak

You've made a huge sacrifice, sister! However, God sees and knows your heart! Strive to be joyful and know that God will secure your relationship with your sons, not your ex husband. You are a brave woman and your relationship with all of your children will be victorious!!!

B.,

I am so sorry.

YOu have made some difficult decisions recently. I'm sure it is all very painful.

I suggest you seek some professional help and advice. There are decent therapists who can help you sort all of this out and they don't all cost a lot of money.

If you have insurance, check your plan to see if it covers counseling. YOu need support right now and someone of sound mind to help you make decisions.

Good luck,

S.

B.,

I know this might sound simple and it may or may not be the quick fix that you are looking for, but my best advice for you is to pray. God has a way of helping us when we cannot help our self's. When you pray, give it to GOD and leave it there, but trusting that GOD will fix it is the secret. If you do not trust in HIM to fix it then HE will not, if you truly believe that GOD will fix it then consider it FIXED!

Whatever you do B., please get help from a counselor, pastor, someone who you can trust. Do you belong to a church? There are good Christian credit counselors to assist you. There are wonderful books on boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Townsend, they may help. Also, they have a book on Safe People. Is there addiction involved anywhere? You/ex? There is AA and Alanon also. Don't walk down this path alone. If you can't afford counselling, find a church who offers help. I can only imagine your pain. May God guide and comfort you during this difficult journey.

Dear B. A. Firstly, I love you! I don't know you but I feel you and your pain. I am also divorced and getting a divorce was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I will pray for you, your children, and ex-husband. B. I am a christian and I want to say seek God in this. Run to him! Only He has the true answers you need. Get on your knees and ask God to reveal His will for your life and I promise you He will order your steps and give you guidance. A good place to begin in the Bible reading is with Paul telling us how to pray...Colossians 1 Verses 1-14. Peace be unto you.

Hello B., my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine going through such separation. I'm sorry that your marriage did not work. You have many reasons to feel depressed. But you are not alone. The Lord is with you. Please don't give up and have faith because Jesus can do the impossible. It is great that your daughter is doing better, and you should be proud of yourself because sometimes mothers in a second marriage do not support their children from previous marriages and you did!!! Now your heart is torn because your twin boys are away from you. But be strong and pray. Pray for the possibility of moving to the state where your sons live. Pray for a good job in that state even though it is expensive. Perhaps you could go back to school at least part-time to be better prepared for a new and higher paying job. I know you said your daughter is doing well is SC, but she is a child and she will be fine where ever you go because you will always support and love her. I believe your sons also need you and its not fair to you because you are such a good mother to not have the opportunity to see your boys grow. Pray for your ex-husband, so that you guys can at least have a good friendship relationship for the benefit of the boys. See if anyone in your family or friends can help out with another move. Never give up calling your sons and visiting them constantly until you get prepared to permanently be with them. They are still young and will remember, you have time to win back all the time lost without them. Ask God to lift you from your depression, don't let this depression get the best of you. It is normal to feel the way you do but give yourself time to prepare and never give up. You are in my prayers, believe in Jesus he will give you victory. I wish you the best! Always remember that your a great mother and mothers don't ever give up, find ways to reunite with your boys and establish a sibling relationship between your children. God bless you and your loved ones!

Hi B.,

I think you need to go back up north and be with your boys. Get a new custody settlement and realize your ex can not control you. I'd say get some counseling to help you figure out what you have to do and then to support you while you are doing it it. If you are low on money go to a community mental health center. Your boys need you and you need them. Don't give up. This is too important. Ask anyone who is successful at anything and they will tell you the only way to fail is to give up. Just keep at it and you will fix this. You are depressed because this is too important. This is eating at you because this is too important. You are too important. Your boys are too important.

You go Girl! You can do this. And when this is fixed you will look back t how you had to grow as a person to accomplish your goal and you will be amazed at yourself.

This is a time for action!

Warmly,

E.

I am also so sorry you have had to go through this. Is there not any way you can move closer to the boys. Even if you have to use some government help, it would be worth it to get the boys back. I agree with the other , your daughter would adjust as long as she has you. Why is it he would ruin you? You are strong. You can do this. And Document every thing he says and does, especially his threats, keep a journal of all communication with dates and times. That can be used in court.

Please seek the advice of an attorney. I can't believe that any attorney would tell you that you can't divorce and move out of state. It happens every day. I would never have left my two boys with a man who is obviously controlling as well as careless with his family.

You did not say how the divorce decree is written, ie who has custody of the children. You have just as much of a right to have the boys with you as your ex. Also, let him ruin you, do you really care what folks thinks. Does what people think of you mean more than your two boys? Don't make the mistake of thinking that you can change this later, it doesn't happen!

DO SOMETHING!

Sounds like you quit real early in the marriage. It is so hard, the hardest mission, to keep a family together. My dad who has been married 3 times called it a perilous journey on my wedding day. I have known some folks who have stayed in tough marriages and they are still together.
I do hope that you will consider some personal counsel that has a Godly perspective.
I also hope that you both would be willing to get marriage counsel. Even if it is in some renowned books on marriage. Family Life Today and Focus on the Family have counselors to call and a bookstore that offers much to keep a family together.
I pray that your marriage won't be a statistic. There are only 1 out of 2 that stay together and that is b/c those who do are fighting for it. There is much against you but your family is worth fighting for.
A book that is very good but some have struggled to read it is called Created to be his help meet. There are some real good view points to consider.
Lord, I pray for B. and her husband and their marriage and family. I pray that you would heal B.'s heart. Take rejection from her. Help her not to look at her relationship with rejection. Heal her past wounds from previous relationships even childhood ones.
I pray that you would put THE FIGHT in her and her husband.
Bless them and all their efforts to save their family.
Thank you Lord,
In Jesus Name
Amen

Perhaps you need to consult an attorney on your behalf. I dont know the exact nature of things, but cant see any judge allowing what it sounds like is going on. There must be some custody/visitation agreement in your divorce papers. Theses things just dont happen without something like that. You need to ensure that it is being enforced. There is only so much he can do to "ruin" you. There are laws. Good luck!