M.M. asks from Naperville, IL on January 10, 2008
Need Some Advice - Sugar Grove,IL
Ok I need everyone's opinion . Years ago My husband and I let my Bestfriend and her husband and kids rent from us. For almost 2 yrs they rented to us - paying late a lot - but we never charged a late fee. Long Story short - they became really backed up in rent and ended up moving out to their first home. We even lied to the mortagae company about how much they paid in rent so we could help them get this house. They said they would pay weeekly to catch up and never ended up paying us back. I was told by my other friends in the group that she made a comment that we did not Need the money. I was devasted and heart broken that a friend could do this to me and my family. What made things worse were the friends that stood by me ended up a yr later becoming friends with her again. They said that this was between her and me and none of their business. A little confused since some of them bad mouthed her for a yr and couldn't imagine her doing this to them. If someone did that to my friend I would not want to associate w/ them. Do I have crappy friends or am I the immature one? Years later I avoid outings b/c of her , and have lost a few more friendships b/c they are friends with her. I have not seen her since this happened . I am afriad I will either cry or throw up b/c it really did hurt me . I never saw it coming . I could care less about the $1,000 now - but the fact that it still makes me upset is unsettling. So what do you think ?
So What Happened?™
Thank you for your messages. I have found peace with the responses from what you all have wrote people. I also have done some of the things people have offered. We did get a lawyer . But b/c I only had them sign the first yr contract not the second it hurt us. Also the lawyer fees would end up costing just as much as what they owed us. I also did call her a few times . I pleaded with her and asked her why she was doing this . She said she was going to pay $200 a wk - but never did. She was upset that I told one of the girlfriends what was going on. I guess this justifed her not paying me b/c I went to a friend for advice on what to do. It is the most hurt I have ever felt. But They say things happen for a reason. Maybe by her showing her true colors has actually saved me money. I was always giving her money on the side or buying them groceries. I am glad my son does not play with her kids b/c she is a bad example of a human being. As for the other friends . They are highschool buddies that I now see once in awhile - and that is fine. I think we are all going our separate ways and that is what it is. I now have a wonderful group of neighbors that have become great friends. We have couples nightings out , our kids play together and we are all there for eachother. I am blessed to have all of those things in my life. Thank you for the support from you all.
L.K. answers from Indianapolis on January 13, 2008
Since you did not take your friend to court and you have forgotten about the money, forgive your friend and go on with your life. It is immature to hold other friends to your any of your hurts from others. The person did not do it them. You have let this cause you to be bitter and rule part of your life. Pray and ask God to help you forgive your friend. That does not mean you have to hang out again, but it will enable you go on with your life as a whole person. Holding grudges will make you ill. It does not seem to be affecting your friend, so why should you let it mess up you life. My sister just over me used to want me to be mad at the people she was mad at. I told her she was not going to put that on me. She has now grown up and we talk about offenses, but she does not try to make me be offended with her. A very good book to read on how to deal with offenses is "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. I believe it will help you as it did me for some other offenses I was holding on to.
A little about me:
I am mother of ten. My husband and I have been together for 39 years.
A.M. answers from Chicago on January 12, 2008
She did wrong but it is now affecting you. Bad feelings tend to fester and nothing good comes of them. I would try to get this out of your mind, try not to discuss it anymore and move on. I have a visual that I use. It is Monet's Lilly pad. I float my troubles onto a lilly pad and move them into the sunshine of the lake.
S.P. answers from Indianapolis on January 12, 2008
If you really want to be part of this group, attend things and be polite, (the operative word).
In other words, say "Hello" and move on to converse with other people.
Since it bothers you so much though it might be better for your mental health to avoid the group if the above is too difficult.
OR you could just "eat" the whole situation and go on as if nothing had happened.
Such situations are so painful.
Sometimes putting yourself in the other's shoes is helpful.
I cannot imagine that your former friend was not embarrassed down deep at what they did and said.
I hope that you are able to resolve this because if it eats at you, you are the one who is suffering, not them.
K.S. answers from Indianapolis on January 11, 2008
Wow that's a loaded friend. I wouldnt be her friend if she did that to another one of my friends so you arent thinking wrong. Maybe because it hasnt happened to these other "friends" of yours yet that's why they are overlooking her behavior towards you. You are not immature; you are a responsible friend who tried to help her friend out. Unfortunately, she is not as responsible and does not value true friendship like you do.
I had a situation with a "friend" where it came from left field and felt like I was the one that was wrong. The one thing I learned is I did what I did in that situation that was not wrong ( just like you did). The friend ( similar to yours) made the choice and decision to handle the situation the way they did and they will have to accept the consequences. You dont have to apologize to these other ladies or explain anything to them. They will learn soon enough what you have experienced. Maybe its time for a new group of friends. Good luck and I hope this made sense!!
T.S. answers from Chicago on January 12, 2008
I personally would not be friends like that with someone. She sounds like a toxic personality and life it too short. However, (and I do totally understand it) I do think it is unfair to expect other people to be your friends if they are and vice versa with your enemies. People decide for themselves whom they like. I would let it go and move on as best you can to get away from it and stay away from her. Make new friends as well if that is what is needed to move on.
L. answers from Chicago on January 11, 2008
I think that would bother me too. But you can't let her isolate you from your friends. I say, don't avoid things because of her - go ahead and go to things, be cordial to her, but have fun that you want to.
I would also try to reach out and develop some more friends that don't know her, so you can have a larger base.
C.J. answers from Chicago on January 12, 2008
If you don't have the rental agreement in writing and you decided to fudge the amount they paid in rent to help them out even though they were late in the rent; you should let it go. Is the money worth loosing your other friends. I ask that because we sold a bunkbed set to some friends on a payment plan, and when the husband was out of work we helped them out with rent. When things turned around they didn't pay us back. I was hurt at first because she invited us over and was showing me the kids bedroom with all of its matching curtains and bedspreads that she paid good money for. Not once did she mention the money they owed us. I decided right then to let it go. I could either upset myself constantly over it and make myself sick or let it go. We were never close after that but by letting it go I didn't put a wedge in our mutual friendships.
A.P. answers from Chicago on January 11, 2008
It's truely hard when friends dont side with you. I had a boyfriend cheat on me, and my best friend started hang out with the girl. It crushed me. I thought how could she like her. I didn't talk to that friend for two years because I felt so betrayed. I ended up running into her and started to cry.After we talked for a long time and she explained that the girl who slepted whith my boy friend was very lost and needed a friend very bad.The point to my story is people do thing to protect them selves and family. could your friend and her husband get a house if they paid you. Could they afford to pay all there bills if they pay you small amounts? She must have some good things about her or she wouldn't have been your friend, well that's what all your other friends see in her, because she didn't wrong them.It will hurt until you comfront your feelings with the girl and your friends. Try to find comfort in the fact that your a great person for helping your friend, and when your a good person people will take advantage of you, because unfrotunatly people aren't that good. Good luck.