October 11, 2008,
J.C. asks from Ontario, CA on October 09, 2008
Need Relationship Advice
I am a single mother of two children. My son is 11 years old and my daughter is 9 years old. I have been divorced since 2002. I was in a relationship for 4 & 1/2 years after I separated and then divorced my ex husband. That relationship didn't last. I decided to join eharmony,a dating service for people who are looking for a serious relationship. I met a guy about a year ago. He was so nice and he seemed like exactly the guy I've been looking for. In the beginning,he would call me two or three times a day. I saw him every weekend. But,once I started showing more serious interest in him,he starting making excuses about why we couldn't be in a serious relationship. I ended up getting hurt because eventually he said he didn't want a relationship with someone who has kids. I really have strong feelings for him and he has told me that he 'cares about me as a friend.' Recently he started seeing another girl,but that didn't last long. Now we still talk on the phone or email. I really miss seeing him. I just don't know what to do. I've tried going out with other guys,but I only think about him.
L.W. answers from Los Angeles on October 10, 2008
I am a single mother of 3. I don’t usually respond to these, but I have been in the same spot you are. When a man tells you what he wants, he is telling you his truth. The truth of the matter is, he doesn’t want the same things as you. Right now, you miss him and you remain his friend hoping that he will change his mind, or hope you will endear yourself to him. Most likely, if he hasn’t been with someone and feels lonely, he’ll turn to you, and you’ll try to find some meaning in it. What he wants is someone who will focus on his needs and he doesn’t want to share that with your kids. That is why he is not interested in someone with kids. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you need to look into yourself, and find out what it is in you that would keep you attracted to someone who doesn’t accept you fully. Being a single parent is exhausting and lonely. You want a connection to someone who makes you feel desirable and not just some ones mom. The problem is, he only likes a part of you and not the complete package. Please take some time and work on yourself (maybe counseling). The only reason you would hold to a man like this is because your self esteem is low. I’ve been there. I’ve lost a lot of precious time with my kids that I’ll never get back. I have plenty of regret. It’s not fun. I do have a great relationship with kids. But because of my neglect, they are not prepared for the world and show little motivation to move forward and my oldest (23) is still living with me and has a beautiful little girl (14 months). I’m hoping to help her not make the same mistakes. Ultimately, the most important thing is you children, and they deserve the best you can give them.
2 moms found this helpful
J.M. answers from Los Angeles on October 11, 2008
You recieved some good responses. I tend to think the way Valerie does.I've been where you are. Single,with two boys and So afraid, that life was going to pass me by. I don't believe the answer is you sacrificing,or forgetting about YOUR happiness all together.Theres no reason,that you should go into seclusion,for the next nine years,because you have children.As a matter of fact,YOUR happiness,will have a very positive effect on your children and their hopes and dreams for a bright future. Its important,for them to see you content and Your strength and determination,makes them strong individuals. It is times like this,that your children can learn and benifit from your convictions,and decisions.They learn the meaning of such words,as LOYALTY,and dedication. and they'll learn some valuable lessons about morals. It broke my heart, when my husband left me, but,as someone, quite wise told me. You can't MAKE someone love you. This boyfriend you met, was trying to be honest with you. He told you he doesn't want a relationship with a woman who has children. He hasn't changed his mind,but because you still show an interest in him,he is going to continue to Take advantage of your soft heart, when ever he is lonely or bored. Don't be fooled,or fool yourself.Don't waste precious time,in a relationship that will go nowhere.Cut the friendship,and move on. Take your children to some events or activities, where you may chance to meet someone really wonderful.Someone who will love you, and love your children,for the simple reason, they are a part of you. I wish your darlin kids the best,and I wish you LOVE. J.
1 mom found this helpful
V.V. answers from Los Angeles on October 10, 2008
You ARE in a hard place J.. It is easy to say focus on your children, it's very difficult to do when you spend so much time thinking about someone. It can be done though. I would suggest that every time you start to think about this guy and the good things you like about him, that you remember him telling you that he does not want you AND your children. I suggest that you think that thought every time a good thought about him comes to mind. Take captive every thought and replace it with something good and honorable and beautiful. Then get busy. Do the next indicated thing. Don't give him so much of yourself. He is telling you that he doesn't want your children, BELIEVE HIM PLEASE. As hard as it is, believe him and move on. Your children need you so. They are looking to your example. Who they are will be so wrapped in who you are and what you do. Show them what a strong and wonderful woman you are. They are watching. God has someone in mind for you, and that person will love you AND your children. Anyone else is not the right person. You deserve better, and so do they. I wouldn't talk to or email him anymore. It will only further confuse you and waste your time. You can get on with your life if you put him out of it in every way. It will be hard work but I have faith in you that you can do it. Enjoy your life, enjoy your children. God bless you and your dear children,
1 mom found this helpful
S.C. answers from Los Angeles on October 10, 2008
I'm sorry, but I agree with one of the other posters. Your kids are entering adolescence or on the edge of it. You really should be spending your extra time with them---helping with homework, riding bikes, watching movies, playing games (Rock Band is a kick and so fun to play with your kids!), talking and establishing good lines of communication with them! This is such a small window of time and in a few short years, your son won't want to spend time with you. Put your own personal love life on the shelf for now, and be the mom to these kids. They need YOU, not a mom who's obsessed with her love life and some poser, and just getting crumbs of her free time. Do your best to put this guy out of your mind and give your time, energy and love to these kids who have already seen too much instability in their lives. Good luck to you and God bless.
C.O. answers from Los Angeles on October 10, 2008
You need to stop all this dating nonsense and focus on your children. The divorce has already ripped apart their home and created an atmosphere of chaos for them. They don't need to go through your string of dating dramas as well. They have also lost their two-parent household. With only one parent around, they don't need your attention divided between them and some guy. Dating may be what you want, but you're a parent first. When you brought these kids into the world, you made a commitment to put their needs first. What we want has to be secondary to that. Always do what is in the best interest of your children. And for now, that means no dating. You can do that in 9 years when the youngest one is up and out. Good luck!
B.R. answers from Los Angeles on October 10, 2008
Hi J.! I know it must be difficult to be a single mom and lonely at times but you should forget about this guy. He had his chance with you and he said he didn't want a relationship with someone who has kids. What makes you think he's changed his mind about that...just because he's no longer with someone else? Life is short and the time you have right now with your kids will soon be over too so you should cherish every moment with your kids and make them priority. Know what you want in a life partner and don't settle for less. You need to know that you are special and so are your kids. And the right man will know that too and he won't need more than one chance to be with you and appreciate you. Trust me, things will all work out for you...don't give any more of your precious time thinking, talking or emailing this guy...he's not worth it.
R.G. answers from Los Angeles on October 10, 2008
M.P. answers from Los Angeles on October 10, 2008
Why would you want to be with a guy that doesn't want your kids? What can attract you to a guy that doesn't love your kids as much as you do? You are just setting yourself and your kids up for heartbreak. Run the other way fast. I know it's lonely but you have your kids and hopefully got friends and family. Take this time to dedicate yourself to your kids and your hobbies and passions. You only have 9 more years till your kids are 18 (time really does past fast)and then you can do all the dating you want and if you make mistakes at least they will only be hurt to see you hurt but they wont be stuck in the middle of all this. This is the 3rd guy in your kids life that has not wanted to be with them, I know this is not the case but this is what young kids think and see how many times are you going to put them thru this. You deserve to be happy but your kids deserve your full attention and a stable ,secure home. I hope if you still decide to date you do it when you don't have your kids if they see their dad on the weekends and you keep it seperate from your kids. Do not let them meet and make that clear to who you are dating.That your time with your kids is only theirs. It is a very tough situation and I wish you and your children the best of luck.
J.S. answers from Los Angeles on October 10, 2008
Your children need consistancy and your focus. They've been through enough already. None of you need a male around who isn't interested in the whole package. When you start to feel lonely, go ride a bike with your kids or call a girlfriend. Down the road you can put more attention into dating and looking for the "one". For now, enjoy yourself with family and friends. Your kids are at a time in life when they really start to need their moms, even though they are older age wise. Don't waste time where is isn't wanted and will only lead to more heartbreak for your children and you. The hurt will go away if you let it.