M.N. asks from Grayslake, IL on November 03, 2008
Need Referral for Therapist / Psychologist / Like
Does anyone out there have a therapist or psychologist they would recommend in the northeast 'burbs (I'm in Libertyville, Gurnee, Mundelein area)? I am married and extremely unhappy in my marriage. My husband has no motivation, contributes little to the bills and has a narrow view that only consists of himself. What do I mean by all of that? I mean he is unhappy in his job and has a test coming up in a few months to get into a union and make a career change. He knows the test will be difficult for him and he's had a year to study, but he hasn't made no effort to do so. I even made him study guides and bought him workbooks. He doesn't make much money, and rather than follow a budget he overdraws his checking account consistently, is always late on his personal bills and borrows money from me (money I don't have because I am covering his share of household bills). He can't so simple things for me like take out the garbage or scoop the cat box (something that I shouldn't be doing while pregnant), and I am not looking forward to winter when he will block my car every night so I have to clean and move his car before I can leave for work. We have been married for almost two years and while I might normally just admit defeat and leave him, I am also pregnant with our first child. I find myself so angry at him all the time which is not only bad news for my already difficult pregnancy, but I don't want my child to grow up in this environment. I need someone to help me talk things through and see if I can accept my husband and save my marriage. Family and friends will be of no help. I need someone objective that has no interest in the situation that I can talk to. How is he going to be of any help when the baby comes? If I'm going to do it all anyway why do I need to make myself miserable and stay in this relationship? Please don't tell me this is how men are and I just need to get used to it. I know there are husbands out there that help out and do their share. We've had this talk before and in fact the last time I gave him a deadline where if he didn't get a new job or second job to start contributing to the bills that I would be done. He always admits things need to change and tries for a few days, maybe a week, but then it's back to same. I don't think he realizes when this deadline approaches I will be asking him to leave. Sorry this is so long. I didn't mean to vent to everyone. As you can see, I desperately need someone to talk to.
S.W. answers from Chicago on November 04, 2008
I am so sorry for your difficult time right now. This should be a really happy time. Can I suggest seeing the movie Fireproof?? Its at limited theaters. I saw it in Barrington a few weeks ago and they need to make more movies like this... I would also suggest getting the book The Love Dare. I bought one for myself and my sister who is in a terrible relationship but says since shes been doing the book things are getting better. There is a website for psych at www.behavioralpsych.com Good Luck and God Bless!
1 mom found this helpful
K.W. answers from Chicago on November 04, 2008
I sympothize with your terrible situation. This should be such a happy time. I'm definitely not condoning his actions, but could he be depressed? He may need therapy by himself also. If he won't go at all (as many husbands won't), I would still suggest that you go to see what coping mechinisms there are. Sometimes there are ways to change him by changing your own actions. I also suggest the book "The Five Love Languages". Reading this book and taking all the actions you can may be frustrating because he seems to be the problem, but at least you know that you are being the bigger person. For your own sanity, you need to know that you did all that you could to save your marraige before doing anything drastic. Good Luck!
1 mom found this helpful
J.I. answers from Chicago on November 04, 2008
I have a great family/marriage therapist in Libertyville..she has been the best thing that has happened to me. Her name is Carol dreyer... off of Milwaukee Road. It is right near the 137. If you can't find her in the phone books... write me and I will find it for you... Good luck and hope things work out for you and your husband.
S.C. answers from Chicago on November 05, 2008
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You sound like a very strong person
and i am sure with counseling, you will be able to make the right decision.
I am sorry to say I do not know a counselor in your area. Do you belong to a church?
Perhaps they offer some counseling. Or your city may have some services they provide
on a sliding scale. Good Luck. I hope you find someone.
Just a thought…is it possible that your husband is depressed or has ADHD? This might explain why he is acting the way he is. If this is not his normal behavior, or how he acted before marriage, it might be something to look into.
I hope you get this worked out soon. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing!
J.V. answers from Chicago on November 04, 2008
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Please know you are not alone. I am a therapist in Gurnee and was forwarded your message by a personal friend of mine who subscribes to this website. The practice with which I am associated is: www.myerscounseling.com Within that group, I would recommend Ann Sumpter or Warren Purkel. Telephone: ###-###-####.
Please do try to talk this out with someone before making any big life-changing decisions! Best, J. Vargas
K.C. answers from Chicago on November 04, 2008
Let me first start by saying I am soo sorry to hear about your situation. Having your first child should be a wonderful experience and it doesn't seem that your husband is helping in that area. Does he always act like this or did he just start acting like this when you became pregnant? All men are not like this, he sounds very lazy and expects you to do all things around the house as well as pay all the bills. You shouldn't be near the dirty cat box when you are pegnant it could be harmful to the fetus. You need to tell him about his ways and what exactly is making you unhappy, his lack of help around the house, his inconsiderate ways ect... Kids are expensive, who is going to be providing for the baby when she/he arrives. Diapers, food, bottles, clothes. He sounds very immature and selfish to me and if he just started acting this way perhaps it's because he isn't ready to be a father and if that's the case your better off without him. I live in the area (grayslake) if you'd like to talk drop me a email: ____@____.com I had similar problems with my ex husband as far as him not helping around the house, wouldn't empty the litter box, I was even on the ladder hanging christmas lights one year when I was pregnant since he wouldn't. He thought life would just go on the way it always had. He never wanted to do anything with his son, said that they had nothing in common. He was a baby for gods sake!!! When I suggested counseling he wouldn't go so I did for myself. Dr Leah Pendarvis out of Grayslake. I couldn't bring myself to leave him since I never wanted to be the one to break up the family. Finally we did seperate when he left me for another woman and our kids were only four and six. Anyway, didn't mean to go on about myself but if you'd like to talk please, email me! I would love to help if possible. ____@____.com
J.T. answers from Chicago on November 05, 2008
I had a huge email ready to send and I hit the wrong button and lost it so here goes again.
Your situation is not unlike many many people! You are not alone. He sounds depressed and maybe scared of the impending responsibility. I have a few suggestions.
*research men and how the respond to a baby coming. Maybe write down a list of things responsibilities you both can share when the baby arrives. Be specific...who will wake up with the baby in the night, feedings, who will prepare dinner every night, etc.
*Ask him how he is feeling about his life. Is he scared, unsure, anxious. What are his expectations for the future. What are his dreams and does he feel he cannot accomplish personal goals with a baby coming?
*you start a mommy support group. meetup.com or send out a flier to people in your area in the same situation. This helped me tremendously. you are all going through the same things and it helps to hear that from other mommies.
*you find a hobby that you can enjoy outside of marriage and family. (he does too as long as it doesn't take too much time away from the family time or involve late nights at the bar) I scrapbook and I'm so thankful it's a passion that fills me up. But you need to make it happen because no one will do it for you. Don't thing he'll come to you and say "honey, you have been working so hard raising our beautiful child and being such a wonderful mother, how about I take the baby for the day and you have a day with your girlfriends". Aint gonna happen. you need to take care of yourself. Once you realize that, you will be better off.
* create boundaries for yourself. Get the book called "Boundaries". don't be out there trying to be everything to everyone. It doesn't work believe me I've tried it. no one will ever truly appreciate it and return the favor. You will always come up broken hearted. figure out what you will say yes to and what you will say no to. I wish I would have learned this earlier in my life, I could've been so much happier.
I hope this helps.
C.S. answers from Chicago on November 04, 2008