Need Perspective

Jaime,
The "right" amount of time to be gone from the house for a spouse depends ENTIRELY on the couple. There is not a "standard".

What I know is true is that both partners need to have their needs acknowledged and met. I don't think that it is helpful to put limits on the amount of nights to be out, as that appears somewhat arbitrary, and you are approaching this like you are parenting him somewhat.

It sounds like there are things that you appreciate about your situation... dinner preparation being one. Perhaps having a discussion that does not begin with "you need to be home more" would be helpful. Instead, I suggest that you identify your needs and feelings. Communicating what those needs are is a good step in reaching a mutually satisfying situation.

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That's a hard one. Why do we women have such low expectations from men as fathers/husbands and such high expectations for ourselves? I can almost guarantee if you were out three nights a week past midnight jamming with a friend people would be judging you..

It is not at all unreasonable for you to expect him to be home most of the time. It's great that he spend lots of time with the kids and helps you out around the house, but you need a partner for yourself too. I think that sounds like what's missing here, a good balance for both of you. I feel like people in a marriage need time alone, need time to do things as individuals and need quality time not just with their kids but with the other adult in the house. It's a reason why marriages fail - all of a sudden you wake up one morning and you're living with a business partner or a roommate. I think too much alone time isn't always healthy when that alone time is spent with friends who may not respect a relationship or understand it because they're not in one. Ever heard the saying, "those who play together stay together?"

Can you find some way to convey your respect for his hobby (without telling him you think it's a hobby and that he'll likely never be a rock star) and still tell him calmly you need him home at least five nights a week?

This is probably unlikely, but is there anyway he can make a space in your garage or something to have band practice? I'm sure noise would be an issue but maybe some way to soundproof it?

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I don't think 2 nights is too much but three does seem a bit excessive. But that's not what stood out for me in your post. what stood out is that you're not having dinner together as a family. I would, at a minimum, ask him to change his schedule to be there for dinner. It's SO important for development, stability, proper modeling that your children see you ALL sitting down for diner, having conversation, etc. Good luck

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Hi J.,

I think him going out once a week would be plenty...more would be unacceptable to me, and I guess my question would be...why would he want to???? Sounds like he has a loving wife and three beautiful children waiting for him at home, so why wouldn't he want to be with his family.? It will probably be hard to change after he has been doing this for some time, but I would definitely try, although it seems that you have went a long with this, too, so it is not all his fault that he thinks that it is okay. I'm sure it will not be an easy task to change these habits, but this would not work for most families. You are not being unreasonable...there is nothing unreasonable about wanting your family to be a family.

C.

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I am so tired of Dad's not being considered a "partner" in parenting. It does sound like yours helps out, but why is it so heroic when they do things like cook dinner, when it would not be viewed the same if Mom cooked dinner every night? My husband also shares a lot of the parenting with me too and I am so thankful, but I still spend the majority of the time with our son, so when my husband gets home from work I expect them to spend time together, whether he is tired or not, hey, I am tired too. And no way would I be okay with putting our son to bed by myself every night. I liked someones suggestions of each of you having one night out per week. When your kids are older, then you might get some of your former life back, but in this moment, your life and your husbands, should be about the young family that you have together- Good Luck!

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We are a busy family, hubby works full time during the day 7am-5pm and I work two part-time jobs (one is during the time my daughter is in preschool 2 times a week the other is 1-2 evening on the weekend).

We both get a night to ourselves, starts at 5:30pm or after supper - till 1am (but we usually get home around midnight). Sometimes I go out with friends or I have a sport league I am in. With hubby he either will jam with his band or go out with friends. On vary rare occasion either I have two nights I get to myself or he does but that is less then once a month.

That leaves FIVE days that we spend together as a family after he gets home for work, unless I have to work which I leave for after we eat supper together. If he gets the time away so do you, and visa versa, that is our rule and it helps avoid jealousy, resentment and/or frustration in our marriage. This may not work for everyone BUT everyone has to find what works for their marriage. Hope you find something that works for your family.

Well I would be happy if my husband helps out at all. He goes to work before we get up in the morning gets home at 4 pm gets on the computer and don't move from there till bed time. Sometimes he will put it away for dinner but only if I make him. Enjoy time time he does give to you and the kids You should try to make a date night every week for you both to go out together and he could maybe start only going out alone three times a week and see how that would work. Hope this helps you it don't help me much, LOL

Hi J.! I would hate having my hubby gone so much at night! I LOVED the advice from Naomi H. and Kelly P. excellent words, girls!
It doesn't matter what WE think, if it's not working for you then it's NOT WORKING. Period!

My advice? Don't keep score of personal time. You going to the library or to visit your mom doesn't take away from key family time, his going out 3 times a week immediately after dinner DOES.

I hate it when people say, "He works hard, he deserves some time off". Yikes! Makes me want to throw up a 1950's casserole! As if women don't do anything all day. He works hard, so do you! You made a family together, you should be able to enjoy it TOGETHER!
I agree with the poster who said that you sound very appreciative. Actually your hubby sounds like a great guy too. I know plenty of great guys with displaced priorities and eventually they come around. Be honest with him about how you feel! Tell him how you appreciate what he does but that you MISS him and need his help with bedtime!
Bottom line, you are NOT being unreasonable.
Hang in there girl!

For what it's worth, our daughters are in college now and my husband has big regrets that he didn't spend more time - quality time - with them when they were younger. He knows he can't ever recover that lost time & life experience with them. He realizes now that spending time together as a family doing "every day, ordinary" things builds a very strong relationship bond. I hear him tell fathers of young children alot to seriously prioritize what's important to them and put their time & energy into that.

It sounds as if you have a pretty good relationship with a lot of willingness on both sides. It might help if you would each try really hard to understand the situation from the other one's point of view. Acknowledge that parenting 3-5 kids is probably more work than either one of you would find easy to do, so brainstorm together to find ways to help each other through it. Maybe a part-time helper could ease up some of the stress. A lot of these situations can be cleared up if you let go of all expectations and assumptions, and then ask him for whatever you want--but remember to offer something substantial in exchange for each thing you ask for. (Also, if bedtime is part of the issue, there is lots of help out there about smoothing out the bedtime challenges.) Is it really about the children's bedtime, or are you wanting more time with him for yourself?
What would you be willing to offer him in exchange for it?

Yes, you are being unreasonable. The man does his "chores" and cooks so let him have some fun. I don't think 2-3 nights is excessive but I wouldn't like it if he started going out more than that. Everyone needs their space and time away.

No, because honestly, it sounds like the only one missing out on time with him is YOU! Tell him that you miss him being around because you hardly get any time with him. Thats what I would do.

This is a tricky situation that you will have to work out yourself. You say that he does spend a great deal of time with the kids but I think the main issue is that you are feeling neglected and lonely without him on the nights they he goes out. Is there a way you can join him on any of those nights? My husband and I made a deal were we could do what we pleased every night but Friday and that was our date night. We got a sitter or our oldest would babysit and it was our night to go out to supper, sometimes it would just be McDonalds or Burger Kind but it was just a few hours of us being together alone without all the hussle and bustle of kids and all the things that go with it. I would talk to him about it and make your feelings known with out critcism. Try to compromise. He may not know how much you miss him. Being married to a musician is not an easy life, my first marriage ended in divorce because of it, because I didn't realize how important this hobby was to him and I felt left out. Looking back, it was my fault that I wouldn't give him the opportunity to live his dream. Have patience, enjoy life and your family. Find hobbies to keep you busy and make him feel important and needed otherwise you may just drive him away. Talk.. Talk.. Talk.. and love wisely.

My husband plays online video games three times a week. They are pretty involved and because he is playing with other people require all of his attention. The comprimise we reached was that he could play 3-4 times a week, but he couldn't start until after our son was in bed (bedtime starts at 7:30pm).

Maybe try this with your hubby. Family time until 8pm and then he can be out til midnight. I'd still cap it at 3-4 days a week. It is important for the two of you to spend time together also.

Best of luck.

I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for you. I would probably be beside myself. I hate bedtime, too, and love it when I get help making it happen. But it is really irrelevant whether I or anyone else thinks you are being unreasonable. You can prove your position by pointing out that every person in the whole world agrees with you and it will not help your relationship with your husband. And if it can't do that, it can't help you. So talk to your husband. Tell him from your heart what you want and why--not in anger or indignation, those things make it very hard for him to hear you. Ask him (out of honest interest in his views) if he thinks it is an unreasonable request. If he does, try to find out why. Somewhere in this conversation probably lies the real root of your current problem, and things will not really get better until you find this root. I truly hope this goes well for you and you find your relationship stronger. Marriage is by far the toughest and most rewarding thing we do, I think.

Hello,
I am 32, and have 2 children (8&10) My husband is in a band and jams at least 2 nights a week, not including gigs. But, they jam here at my house. This makes it a little less upsetting for me because I know what is going on LOL But at the same time it is worse... because it is loud, and because he records everything, and then spends 2 or three nights mixing the recording and making cd's to give the guys.
It can make a woman quite lonely. I always tell him when I am feeling this way, and usually he is pretty good at trying to make up for it. He tries to make sure that the jamming is on a monday and a friday. But he doesn't realize that when he is on the pc mixing for three days in a row that he might as well not be here.
I know that I can not take his music away... it is very important to him, and he would be miserable to live with if I did. I just have to try to ask for time with him as nicely as i can. This has gotten better for him over the years, but it was very hard at first. I suggest that you try to talk to him about it... but keep your attitude in check :) If you go to him with a lonely hurting heart he will want to fix it more than if you are angry. It takes time, and patience... men tend to be selfish and forget that we have needs too. You might have to remind him every now and then that you are a more important part of his life than poker or a band.

I am not sure about the unreasonable thing... That is something you have to work out with him. If mine was leaving the house I would probably feel the same way though.

You are not unreasonable. You are his wife, and have every right to want him to put you and family first. Afterall, this is why people get married...to build a family. While cultivating friendships is healthy, they are problematic if they threaten the balance and well-being of the family.

I'm of the ilk that friendships outside of marriage should be nurturing to the family not conflict-causing. If friends do not share the same goals as you and your husband, they need to go. If they are not family minded, do not share the same values, etc. don't promote and enhance your marriage and family experience, these relationships in the end will destroy your marriage.

The activities you describe potentially are in "conflict-of-interest" to your marriage, and therefore warrant a serious discussion between the two of you, under the guidance of a marriage counselor.

While we don't know all the fine details of your marriage, I can guess that your concern is not so much about the length of time he is away from home each night, but more about his choice of activities away from home.

While poker with the guys is usually harmless and stinky (cigars) sometimes that simple game can go awry depending on who is playing, and where. My own husband stopped meeting up with his group of guys for poker/hunting weekend getaways after one particular weekend two guys from his group of friends wound up picking up a couple of ladies at a bar in a nearby town and left with them, and didn't tell their wives.

What bothered dh was that over time when they'd go up north for these "guy" weekends, hanging out for hunting and poker wasn't "enough", and certain guys started encouraging the group to "have a little fun" until things got out of control in the cheating department.

Dh and another friend were so upset, they stopped going on the trips, but the others continue to this day, and give my husband many updates on the "antics and activities." Neither of us can look the wives in the face who have been cheated on when we all get together as couples. But telling them truth? That is a whole different issue for another post. I just know, I'm glad my husband was honest about it, and realized friendships like these and activities like these had no place in the marriage. I still get freaked even though he's honest. But at least we're communicating.

Your husband's band performing at bars is probably is not so comforting or inspiring either, since images for any devoted wife, of "groupies" and "alcohol" may come into play. If those nights get long, your mind can understandably race as to where he could possibly be, or go after closing time.

Your husband is probably being faithful, but commmo-sense and just understanding the weaknesses of human nature, one can assume definitely his activities will in the long-run be problematic for any man and wife who value marriage and family. Especially if any of his friends are bad influences. There is just too much temptation out there. And reality is, while he has every intention to just have a good time, there are many people out there whose intentions are to find a boyfriend, have a one-night adventure, or whatever and unfortunately do not respect the bonds of marriage.

There is no doubt in my mind, the type of activities he's still engaged in are less than ideal for the married set, are the types of things the single and available engage in, so most certainly he will eventually be persued by someone who will assume he is looking for action, open to attention or worse, just fair game because he's putting himself in these situations. He will eventually be challenged to choose between his commitment to family or his own desires at the moment. This is why you MUST talk to him, and do have every right to voice your opinion and concern and he as your husband should answer to you about his intentions and be honest about it. Maybe he needs a wake-up call before something unfortunate happens.

I think your concerns are valid, and it sounds like its time the two of you "re-evaluate" what is important to you. Perhaps, he's being selfish with his time. Perhaps he's being selfish in ignoring your concerns. Most definitely his choices of "extra-curricular" activities aren't the best ones for someone who is married with kids. Anyone who says you can do these things on a weekly basis and still have a happy home is lying to themselves. No one can serve two masters. Your husband is not single in college anymore. Friendship is important, but shouldn't come first.

If he loves music, maybe he should start performing with the church band for instance, or pick more family friendly venues. He can limit poker get-togethers to a couple per year.

Get couseling, and be honest with each other. Good luck.

I think you will end up resenting him if he continues to get to do all the fun stuff, and you don't get a chance to do it as well. Can you find a compromise with him and suggest that he can have 1-2 nights a week to play poker or go to band jam - and he can decide what worth his time? You should also have a night out every week where he stays home. And then a night each week you get a babysitter so you can both go out together?

This issue hits home for me. My husband used to have a "No matter what" friends night out on Wednesday. At first he would stay out all hours and then get together with his friends on the weekends. This always seemed like to much for me. And we have had many arguments about this. It has always been a challenge for me to accept his god given right to leave me at home with the kids and not get resentful. Now, however, things are different. I think my husband has grown up AND I know how to ask for what I need AND we continue to see a marriage counselor. In my view, 2-3 times a week is way to much. You have a large family and being left at home with the kids that many times is totally out of balance. I would start with making sure that you guys get a date night. Now, our goal is every other week but of course that does not always happen but it is our goal. Also, I would suggest that if he goes out, you balance it out with you going out. If you both went out as much as him there would not be enough days in the week. I suggest writing out a graph of your time. Highlight different activities in different colors. E.G. work is yellow out with friends pink, home alone with the kids is blue.. and really look at your time and his time. This may wake him up and help you see some things too. Also I would suggest if he "HAS" to continue going out 2-3 times a week let him know that it is important to you he eats with you guys and helps get the kids in bed before he goes or whatever you feel you need from him. Right now here is what we have going on..My husband goes out with friends no longer on school nights or during the week. He has learned that doesn't work so well for everyone, including him. He hooks up with friends every other weekend and we go out every other weekend..also we have started asking other families over for dinner once a month. In my home this seems to work out well. Good luck. Oh yes, also I take time away for myself too. whenever I start feeling resentful about what he is doing, I make sure I am getting some me time too. The other night he told me he was taking a trip with his friends a I said great I am now planning on taking a weekend away too.

I don't think 2-3 nights a week is excessive, especially with all the things he's doing around the house to help. If he didn't help with anything, then I'd be annoyed. My hubby plays racquetball once a week (missing dinner & bedtime) and stays and chats with his friends for awhile afterwards. He also does a guys night out once a week and stays out until 1-2 am. He tries to head out after bathtime so I just have to put the kids to bed, or gets one of them to bed and then leaves. Would that be a compromise? Could he help with bedtime and then leave?

It's important for you to get time for you, too. Find a MOPS group or go out to a movie with friends in the evening. A craft group, visit your mom, anything so you're getting away sometimes, too.
A.

A father is just as important as a mother in children's lives...What if you went out 2-3 times a week and stayed out until midnight? Just because he is a man doesn't mean it is okay. Tell him he gets two nights, and YOU get two nights, and the other 3 days are strictly for family time. That way everyone is happy including the kids because they get special time with mommy, special time with daddy, and special time with both of you.

You can respectfully tell your husband what you'd like to have happen, but the decision of what to do is his. At the very least, perhaps he'd agree to help with bedtime before he goes out. Are you getting enough time with him, just the two of you? After making your wishes known, the only thing to do is back off and figure out what YOU are going to do in the situation. In a respectful and kind way, not to get back at him, but to begin to make your own decisions. Because you don't want a husband at home who resents being at home. Is home a desirable place for him to be?

I highly recommend these books:
The Dance of Anger
Love & Respect
Boundaries in Marriage

Blessings!

I think your husband is going out too much. If it's bugging you it's too much. I have a similar problem with my husband who is a golf fanatic. He's away at least 1 whole day on the weekend, and sometimes both.

The good thing about your husband is that it sounds like he reciprocates with allowing you time away as well. Can you go out for a girl's night?

Anyway, I think 1 or 2 evenings out a week is plenty. Maybe the midnight curfew is a bit harsh but...

I'm sure he knows it's a problem for you but talk to him again about it. Say that if you went out the amount of times he did you would never see each other!

It always seems to be a one sided thing. I know tons of Moms with the same problem. Some say that you just have to let them go, that they need that time. I say there should be a limit and compromise.

Hope you find it.

You clearly have different interests than your husband. You like to visit your mother and go to the library. He likes to "jam" and play poker. His activities are at night. Your activities are during the day. He gives you time to do what you want. You should do likewise. Just because he wants to do something more often than you do doesn't make it wrong. And just because his activities occur at night and you do daytime stuff doesn't mean that you both shouldn't do what you want to do. If he helps out at home and has quality kid time then I say cut the guy a break. If you can't then just tell him that you would appreciate if he cut it down to 3 (or whatever) days after the kids are in bed. If you want to do something either by yourself or with him then tell him that. Compromise is what keeps couples married.

Every relationship is different but it sounds like you guys are really close to being balanced. You have to ask him to work with you on some expectations and rules about this sort of thing. For example, my husband likes to play sports and go out after to the bar. He is a stay at home dad and I work full time and commute to Illinois. I had to tell him that it is fine if he goes out after to blow off steam but to be home by 12 so that he doesn't interfere with waking people up that have to go to work and school. He knows the rule and we stick to it. He has similar requests or expectations for me as well.

I like that so many people are talking compromise on this. We have also found that a good general rule is that we trade off leaving after the kids are in bed (8 for us). I don't think it's fair to give him a curfew since no matter how late he's out it should only effect him, he should be an adult about this! ;) Anyway, I agree that his going out shouldn't be a stressor on you and making it fair is key. Maybe you can leave a few nights a week too-even if it's just a drink with a friend or the library for some "quiet time" for yourself. Good luck keeping this in perspective! This is a hard thing!

Hi J.,

When it comes to issues like these, reasonable is not what matters. What matters is that you and hubby come to an agreement on what will best work for your marriage and family. Since he does spend time with the children and help out with the family, I believe being supportive in his dreams of being a star someday is a fair trade. Maybe he in exchange could give up Poker night or agree to outings of 3 nights a week. This way you would be meeting in the middle. I would not enforce a curfew though as your hubby is an adult.

As for getting your child to go to sleep, this is an opportunity for you to grow as a parent. SuperNanny has her own website and may be a good place for tips. I have found that having a routine helps. My daughter likes to protest bed time, but I will generally give her a heads up before we actually need to go to bed so she has time to protest and then she gets a little more play time. This way when it is truly time to get ready for bed, I may get an awwww, but she goes and brushes her teeth and then I pop in a movie for her to watch before she goes to bed.

I also schedule our day so that playing outside happens right when we get home from the sitters. We come in, eat dinner and she is allowed a little more play time with her toys, but I try to make sure that she is quieting down for the evening so that when it is time for bed that she is not too hyped up from play (like me chasing her). It's kind of a gradual de-escalation that gets her ready for sleep.

You may not like this answer, but as a single mother to my daughter, I don't have anyone to pass responsibilities onto that I don't want to do. I have to step up to the plate and become a better parent, and I think two parent homes should have equal share and experience with tasks of taking care of the children. When your hubby is home, he can be responsible to put the children to bed, but it is also not unreasonable for him to have some time to chase his dreams and you put the children to bed.

Angie

If my husband had been gone 2-3 nights a week, leaving me to deal with three (or maybe five) kids at bedtime, I'd have told him to either keep his butt home at night or leave for good. Sorry for the bluntness, but you got lots of responders being "nice" and "compromising". "Poker night" - right, I'd believe that once or twice. Great, he cooks and spends time with the kids. Does he take you out?

My husband was similar. His work schedule sometimes requires him to work an evening shift. If he wasn't working he had soccer twice a week, softball one night, volleyball one night, and basketball one night. He would also have an occasional poker night. His mother and sister (who are both very codependent) live in town and would expect him to drop everything whenever they needed him and would have a fit if he didn't stop in to see them every day after work. I had tried to talk to him about it several times but he just didn't get it. I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but one thing that did kind of help him to "see the light" was after
I had a couple of melt downs. There were also some times when I called him where ever he was and told him I needed him at home NOW. Eventually he cut out some of his activities and it has gotten better. I had to be really upfront and in his face about it though. Good luck!

I guess you have to ask yourself why you are unhappy with the idea of him spending so many nights away from home. Is it a trust issue? Do you feel like you should be getting the same amount of time away? Or do you just wish that he would prefer to hang out with you at night then with his buddies? Your answer on the "why" should help you determine where you should go from there.

For many years of our marriage my husband also liked to be away at night a lot. Like yours, he is in a band and needed to practice at least once a week. Then there's sports. In the softball it's 2 nights a week then sometimes tournaments on weekends. During the off-season it was bowling. I noticed that you have been married for 6 years. We were still in full swing with "husband getting way too much play time" stuff at that point. It wasn't until this year that my husband just started calming down... I say this to give you hope. :) I know what it's like to be there--the wife sitting at home while her husband plays and you have to find a hobby so you keep yourself entertained. ;)

Keep your spirits up! Try and stay positive and work out a compromise. Above all, don't sit at home and build up resentment. Your husband can't read your mind, so lay it out flat for him what you need and try and be sensitive to what he needs too.

Good luck!