Need Opinions on Unhappy B-day

My husband use to be the same way. He was a generous man who never complained about anything I spent all year and loves me very much. He was terrible about birthdays and holidays, I usually got nothing and sometimes even forgotten. I finally told him in a very nice cuddle type of conversation that it was a very bad example for us to set for the kids for Mom not to be treated special. We have two boys so it would stink for their wife. I reminded him some women were not as nice as I was... LOL I then would tell him what to get for my birthday. Have him take the kids out and get me something and I would make a cake and make it MOM's birthday. After a couple of years of this, he now does it on his own. I do give lots of direct statements on what to buy. I think most men hate to guess. I know it is romantic to have someone surprise you but really it was not my husbands way. I married him because he was supportive and loving, but knew he was not romantic. I had to lovingly teach him. Two years ago I got an ipod unexpectted and last year a laptop. He is learning. He even told me it will not always be huge gifts but he wanted to make up some missed years. We have been married for 13 years so this was not overnight. The more loving I am with him the better he gets to me. I know it is hard not to feel taken advantage of, but it sounds like he is use to his Mother picking up the slack. It is like the whole issue that when we do dishes it is our job when they do dishes you compliment them and tell them how good they are to you and they will do them again. It is worth the compliment to get the dishes done.
When he gets up and goes with friends, mine works alot, do something fun with the kids and later make arrangement and go out to dinner with him, it is still fun even if you make arrangements. Have him ride out and pick up the kids meals while you get ready. You do not want to have to cook for them. I would also make plans for breakfast/dinner with a girlfriend if that sounds fun to you. Not really a tit for tat but I think you need some me time right now. I think the stress of having little kids works on a marriage, I have two boys 10 and 11. It is hard the early years. I really admire you, I could not work and take care of them. That is a big job. Good luck and hang in there. You can always leave me a message if you need to vent. It is hard raising two kids and hubby too.

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The Bible says, "In all things give thanks." It also says, "This is the day that the Lord has made, to rejoice and be glad in it". I understand your hurt and disappointment, but you have to thank God for what you do have. Find some of the things that your husband does that is good and begin to praise him for that. Then in your private time tell God what you want from your husband. Talk with Jesus, He already knows what you desire. I know that God will turn things around for you. Don't allow yourself to be discouraged for too long. I know that he could have done more for you than what he did, but it could have been worse as well. Ask God to rekindle your marriage and to turn your husbands heart towards his wife and children. Stay encouraged and believe that God is waiting to answer your prayers.

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Hi B.,
I was not able to read all your responses but I did want to say......The 5 Love Languages Book is awesome. It is helpful in learning how different people in your life recieve love and give love. It will be helpful in all your relationships such as with parents, spouces, your children, friends, etc. My husband and I both took the love language
test. I highly recommend it to everyone.
M.

Most every woman, would understand. But first of all you need to understand, take a step back from parenting, and all other distractions, and ask yourself, what would be the perfect b-day for you. When you let go of should I feel guilty for wanting him to show how much he loves you. In the future, if he won't plan a b-day you would enjoy, than you pick, it is your b-day, get tickets to a show, or what ever you want, just you and your husband, like when you use to date. But don't feel guilty for wanting a me day, most woman need more than once a year. We do for them everyday, I've told my clients, to hire a maid, on her b-day, then take her out to dinner, and or a movie night, just have fun and know you deserve to feel like it's your b-day everyday. Good Luck, and don't let it get swept under the rug, let him know.

Wow! I feel the same way! When I started dating my husband his birthday was a month later, so I celebrated him the way I wanted to be at my birthday. However, my birthday is the day before Christmas, so have ALWAYS had a rotten birthday. Usually it justs gets forgotten by all (including my family) so when it did again that year I stayed in bed all day...moped around the house, probably a little selfish but mostly feeling so sad that I am the one that always remembers birthdays, anniversarys and reminds my family, the least they all could do is remember mine since it is right before the holiday. Christmas came & went that year and again, I didn't get much. Not that the presents matter much but at least a little effort to get me something I needed, instead, I got a coffee mug, pajama pants and a cookie jar. Nothing useful to me. I sat him down and had a long talk with him, and he seems to be getting better...You need to either tell him what you are doing for your birthday and take charge or tell him what you expect or want him to do. Men will never learn any other way because their moms always did it for them. Up until I started shopping for his family, his mom would buy everyone an extra gift and he would pay her for it.

I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks. I can honestly tell you from experience, he doesn't have a clue. Guys just aren't wired like us. Hopefully you will only have to tell him once, but let him know that your birthday would have been perfect if he would have made birthday cards with the kids and then let the kids help bake a cake and decorate it. My husband and I have been doing this for each other for many years. The kids love it. Communication is so necessary in a good marriage. And, 95% of the time you will have to initiate it. Once you have a better understanding of each others expectations things will go much smoother.
Good luck,
Yo

I would probably feel the same way. My husband does get me nice cards for my b-day and usually some extra money but next week is our anniversary and I doubt we will do anything special. His excuse is the kids but why can't he arrange a sitter for once. I know men in general aren't that sentimental. Maybe tell him what you would like and how you feel although that is sometimes not very helpful either.

Men! I've heard this from many people and have felt it myself. The last thing you want is for the resentment to seep out as it builds up, so although he may balk, I'd let him know how you feel. And soon. Men are usually pretty daft about how women think and feel, so its best to be direct. I would say something like "Dinner with the family for my birthday was great but I'd like a day off from the kids as my gift from you." or ask for a special date night for your birthday and ask him to make the arrangements. Whatever you want. If he says he already paid for the dinner, say my family enjoyed that but could I have something special just for me? If he calls you selfish, smile and say, "I guess so, but I'd still really like it". If he sees how happy you are to have the extra consideration, the hope is he'll get in the habit, but you'll have to ask again and again before that happens! I can tell you aren't selfish and imagine the hubby is a bit, with his "Guy Time". Do you have weekly girl time? You should. He may be doing 2 jobs, but unless he's doing 50/50 on housework and kid duty, so are you. Just a guess, but was his mom a magic mommy? One who made life go smoothly by running in circles around her family making sure no one had to do anything she could do for them? My darling hubby had one, but he's come around because I did NOT have one, and haven't slipped into the role myself, although I do more than I should, probably. Hang in there!

B.,

You never mentioned that you have talked to him about this, maybe you have and you just didn't say it. Anyway, my husband and I routinely ask each other how we're doing. What that means is am I making you feel loved, special, do I help enough, meet your needs etc...

However when we first were married he just did things and thought they would mean something to me when it actually hurt me (like a stupid birthday card or something of that sort) so eventually we finally got to the point where I sat him down and very lovingly told him that I know he is trying to love me but it's not coming across that way to me very well. I knew his heart was good but his actions were less than desirable. That hurt him but in a good way because it made him want to do what I wanted in order to feel loved.

I would recommend reading "the 5 love languages" by Gary Chapman, it goes through the 5 ways people feel and give love, it was VERY helpful in understanding each other.

I don't know your husband but if you asked to talk to him and it was just you two, the kids were in bed and you just shared your heart, not in an angry way even though you may feel angry that won't help. So if you need to wait until you have cooled off a little and can talk in a less emotional state, I understand. I am guessing if you did that it would probably work, because he married you because he loves you and he still loves you other wise he wouldn't even make even the minimal effort that he does.

Make sure you tell him how much you appreciate his hard work, working two jobs etc... and know he's tired busy etc... and in this conversation make sure you ask how you can meet his needs as well, and then it will benefit you both and he'll see that you really want to love him the way he feels loved and help him learn how to love you.

Hope that helps a little

B.,
I could've WRITTEN most of what you have. Does that say something?
So okay, does he get any kind of pat on the back? Maybe he feels unappreciated. That's all I'll say on his behalf.

I getting the feeling he's a bit of a control freak???? You are not a selfish B----. I don't see a problem with one out of 365 days you can't be singled out specifically. How would he like it if he was completely forgotten here. Is there by chance the possibility that he has a different cultural background that dictates a lot of his behavior? I'm married to a European (northern district) and been exposed to a lot more macho personalities and this "practical, indifferent" type is beyond my tolerance level.
Girl go out and celebrate all on your own! Use the cards to indulge yourself. If no one else remembers you, count on yourself. Go to the spa, get together with friends, have a good meal, go do some cha-ching at Greektown if you don't have issues with it, TREAT YOURSELF. If that's a problem for him, explain that you did it because it was your birthday and you don't ask for a whole lot but don't seem to get a whole lot either, so someone had to do the dirty work! If he keeps it up, use your Greektown winnings for a retainer fee!!! If, that is, you've had enough. Or invest somehow in a wake up call.

Talk to him. My husband and I are constantly renegotiating our relationship and what works for BOTH of us. He doesn't want and unhappy wife... and I don't want an MIA hubby.

For the longest time my darling husband would get up on my birthday,anniversary, mothers day and go get me a present. Imagine... on a Sunday at 5 am what the selection is like!! I told him that while I appreciate the guesture it makes me feel like an afterthought when he does that. Since then he has always made the effort to make sure that I feel like a princess on those days.

I would recommend that you get Dr. John Gray's book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Read it and ask your husband to read it too. Men and women are such different creatures. We need different things. He is likely not trying be selfish - he just doesn't understand what you need to feel special. This book - or his CD's - could really help you better understand one another.
Good luck.
Barb

was he like this prior to getting married? If so, then there is really nothing to complain about because ya knew who he was back then and accepted him. However, if he has changed (you probably have too) which is understandable, more responsibility, more stress, less "couple" time... Consider reading a book called the "Proper caring and feeding of a husband" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (sp?). Men are simple creatures, if they are "fed" they will respond. I hope this helps.

i would definatly say something to him. But you have to think back, how has he always been. is he has always been forgetful about it, then it will be hard to gethim to change. my birthday falls by valentines, and our anniversary. so every year, i get one present, one card, and one dinner, and that's for all three of those together. he told me that, and i knew that was good enough. last year, my present was a new cover for the hot tub. i was supposed to get a diamond tennis bracelet. still haven't gotten it, and i honestly don't expect it. i know now i will get even less. my stepson's birthday is a week after mine, and a week before mine now is my daughters'. so my birthday will get pushed further back, but to me that's ok.

My husband does a lot so I don't have to. he works 6 days a week and does all the outside stuff, and he helps inside as well. THis past weekend, he put some of his things off, to help peel and core about 3 bushel of apples.

so sometimes you just hve to look for the other things that shows he cares. and make sure your boys see that. that it's not just one day, but the entire year that matters

I think you need to tell your husband how you feel in a loving way. I think if you don't, your feelings will build up inside of you and you will resent your hubby more and more. I think if you get things out in the open, your husband may be more sensitve to your needs and everyone will be happier in the end. Its important to bring this up to him in a non-accusing and threatening way, instead just open your heart and let him know how you are hurting so you can discuss this without fighting. I hope this is helpful!

I think you're right to feel the way you do. I would feel that way too if I were you. It doesn't take much effort to buy a nice card and book a restaurant himself. My husband always makes a fuss of me on my birthday, tells the kids to wake him quietly in the morning so they can make my breakfast and even when we don't have much money he always gets something he knows I'll like, one year he got me my favorite English candy bars.
It doesn't matter how old you are, a birthday is the day to be spoiled by the ones who love us.
In his defense, if you've never told him how you feel, he is a man and they can be pretty clueless at times. You need to talk to him without making it a confrontation but just tell him how it made you feel, how unhappy and unappreciated you are feeling and why. You never know it may do the trick for your next special occassion. If you don't communicate your feelings to him you may end up very resentful. Go on, give him a chance to redeem himself.

I think next year you should book yourself a day at the spa and charge it to your husband's credit card.

B.,
You are not being selfish. Your feelings were hurt and you have a right to be upset. My suggestion is to talk with you hubby. Try to arrange a time where there are no little ones around (bedtime, or send them to Grandmas) and let him know how much you appreciated your birthday and what you received but that you were hurt by his lack of participation. I know when my husband and I go through an indifference like this I use a situation from his life to compare it to. For example, just recently we were on a camping trip with another couple and their family. My husband and my friends husband spent friday afternoon shopping for fishing gear and the next morning and afternoon they rented a boat and went fishing. This was an unplanned fishing trip. The guys did take the 4 year old, but left us moms back at the campsite with 2-10 month olds and no car. To say the least we were a little peeved when they came back and had no fish to boot! My hubby and I had a "little discussion" that night and I did a role reversal and asked him if he would like it if I did that to him. THis made him step back and see the error of his ways. Men sometimes dont think about how much thier actions speak especially to their wives. As wives we need to speak up when we are hurt. Dont beat around the bush. Tell him how you are feeling.

I don't think you are feeling sorry for yourself. It sounds like an unequal division of labor at home between the two of you. There's an old saying, it goes something like this: a man works from dawn til dusk, and a woman's work is never done." He gets his breaks and time to mingle with adults while you're stuck doing all the weekend chores. After many years of doing that, I would feel unappreciated too. I would definitely talk to him and work something out where you get at least 2 weekends a month to do something you enjoy. Maybe even hire a sitter to watch the kids for a few hours, just so you can have some free time. Some self-pampering can do wonders like getting your hair done or meeting a friend for shopping/lunch. Most men are not into that warm fuzzy touchy feely stuff like we women are--it takes alot of explaining it to them and them putting forth some effort. My husband doesn't focus on the sentimental things either. I always thought it's just a married guy thing.

Warm wishes,

MC

Your situation sounds alot like mine years ago..and what I came to realize is that I made more out of birthdays than he ever will and when I gave up on him making a big deal I was so much happier. I focused on my kids birthdays and I always have a fun birthday for him...but I don't get frustrated about mine anymore..I put my focus on the birthdays of others and that brings me great joy! I heard someone speak before on how some guys just don't get into things that we wish they would, and that it doesn't mean they don't love us..it's just not their thing..and that is really true, my husband definately does love me..he shows it in different ways...it has been 35 years now and things are great! Now, my kids are doing fun things for my birthday..pretty cool!
Hope your days get brighter:)..

Hi B., I can totally relate. However, I really think that communication is the key here. And I think the best way to approach him is to wait until you have a cool head, and have rehearsed what you will say with yourself.
Once you know what your going to say, it's important to assertively approach the subject with him. However, make sure that you not use anger, harsh words or accuse him of anything. By accuse I mean that using statements like "you didn't care about my birthday" or "you never give me any time to myself". When you use "I feel" statements, you will often get a better response. Such as "I feel like you don't appreciate the work I do around the house."
Also, stick with one subject at a time, it will be overwhelming if you throw in other issues with your relationship.
I've been very successful when telling my husband about how I feel when I approach him in a rational and level headed way. This also won't make you seem selfish, (btw, you never once mentioned if he or the kids bought or didn't buy you a gift and that right there shows me that your not being selfish) he just needs some guidance on how you want to be treated and thats not a bad thing. On a side note, mentioning to him how you appreciate the things that he does and even give him some compliments always helps me ;) When ever I tell my hubby that I appreciate how hard he works for the family for instance, really puts a pep in his step and gets him more motivated to help even more.
One more suggestion, tell him you want to go on a date!
I really hope this helps - good luck with whatever you decide to do!

awww..at this point it is time to back up and start again.someone is only going to do what u allow them to do. you need to have a heart to heart discussion with your husband but at a peaceful moment. and its time to do you!!!! do somethinhg for yourself pick up a hobby, create date night for yourself and hubby without making it an option.as women we always put our children and husbands needs ahead of our own. it is not selfish to take time for yourself and also your relationship.u may want to seek marital counseling its okay to have an unbiased third party professional to speak to.and Pray and ask for guidance..and go see the movie "THE WOMEN" its a riot and u may appreciate the end. many blessings 2 you.

B.,

I know that you posted a "What Happened" message, but it sounds like you are still upset.

I suggest picking up the book "The 5 Love Languages" because both you and your husband see love in different ways. It sounds like your love language is receiving gifts while his might be acts of service or something like that.

Also, sit down with him and work out an alone time schedule for the weekends. It is only fair for the two of you to trade back and forth for alone time on Saturday mornings, but you need to come to a compromise so the both of you are comfortable with the arrangement and it is not just you telling him how the new routine will be.

Ask if he will read the love languages book after you are finished. He might not want to but tell him it is important to you. My husband didn't want to read it either, but after he did we started doing things for each other and our relationship has improved.

I'm sorry about your birthday, but remember with guys you need to tell them what you want. My pastor told me something a few months before my husband and I were married. I was complaining how my husband never notices when I get a hair cut and I said "I shouldn't have to ask him how my hair looks! He should notice all on his own!" and my pastor said "If you want a compliment from him you might need to ask for one because guys don't always notice those things." It was an eye opener for me and now when I want something I tell him or ask him. He doesn't feel like he is playing a guessing game anymore and I feel respected because he is listening to my requests and following through.

Before your next birthday sit down with your husband and talk about what you would like: time for yourself, dinner with him at your favorite restaurant, etc. Give him an idea of where to start and talk about what each of you can do to make you feel good on your special day. You may have to make some of the arrangements, but remember what your goal is...to spend time with him and have fun on your birthday, does it really matter how you get there?

Good luck and I hope you are feeling better.

-C..

You do sound like you are whining abit, but reading into it I bet there are a lot of other things bothering you not just this yes? It is time to talk to your husband. Heck print your type above and hand it to him to open the dialogue. I would be willing to bet you money that your husband has absolutely no clue at all and in fact thought he was doing a great evening for you.

This happens quite frequently with my husband and I. I get my feelings hurt and then when I realize he had no idea we talk about it and I let it blow right over and he tries to do things I like more in the future proving that indeed he loves me to pieces though its not sappy love like in a romance novel or on tv. Its real life love and different from the next ya know? Ultimately though he is what he is so if I need him a litle more at times "I" have to be the one to speak up as he can't read my mind :)

The very best of luck to you!

Wow after reading Beth B's advice I think I'll read that book too. From what I see of my family, and people around me, we are the ones that do the most busy work at home, regardless of having an outside job or not. My Grandma would be shocked to even talk about it, thats just the way it was. I guess I'm just going to feel lucky that my husband of 10 years is still romantic. I'm happy I've gotten him to change some of the things he did to him mom. No I've changed! He's still dropping his clothes where ever he takes them off.
Oh well. :) A. H

Been there, done that...still there. I have an unromatice husband. As the kids get older they start to recognize your day (Mother's day, Birthday). However, he may not ever. The bottom line is you (and many of us) feel unappreciated when the work load is uneven. Talk to him and see if he can pick up the slack. Also remind him that in a few years your kids will be on their own, so he better start taking the 4 year old to breakfast, or lunch, or something. That may help get him involved in something the kids are doing and give you a little more time. As kids get in school, activities and sports it will get busier and more hectice, so start getting some support now.

Have you read the 5 Love Languages book for marrieds? I can see that he totally missed your love language(s) and I have a sweet, but often clueless, son-in-law who would do exactly what you wrote, though he treasures my daughter. My daughter has to spell out for him what is expected and remind him over and over, and she is still often disappointed but the rest of us try to make a big deal out of it. I think you need to take charge of making your birthday happy and not read into this that he's uncaring. If you read the book, you could try to make a date with him to discuss this, perhaps starting with figuring out what his love language is first. Clearly it's not gift-giving or quality time. A lot of men, maybe most, are thick-headed when it comes to their wives' emotional needs. Your expectations and what's in his head are miles apart! The book is by Gary Chapman, and it's his first one which focuses mostly on marriage. Hang in there, and don't let him off the hook!

B.,

I understand. Us moms are the unselfish ones and always thinking about others. For once we would like someone to put us first. You are not wrong in feeling this way. It sounds like both of you have little time with each other.

Have you let him know how you feel?

Also I hear he has time for himself and his friends. Do you? If not, set aside a few hours a week for you. Think of it as investment in you and your family.

I get the impression most of Saturday is for him. Maybe he could shorten his time with his friends and spend more time with the people who matter most, you and the kids.

Men are different than woman and it is our responsbility to let them know what we are thinking and feeling. Make plans for just the two of you and talk. Communications is the key in every marriage.

M.

You have every right to be unhappy. It sounds as though your husband is taking advantage of you as so many men tend to do. He is taking you for granted. What I have learned is that I am not only a mother and a wife. I am a woman, a person with seperate interests from my family. Whether my husband likes it or not, I take the time to get my hair done, go out to dinner and a movie with friends, read alone with a nice cup of coffee, shop in the mornings before anyone wakes up and many other things. Don't give your husband the chance to say, "no". Just get ready and tell him that you're going out. You deserve the rest just as much as he does. Let him know that you appreciate him working so much but that you work and take care of the children. You need a break too. I can guarantee that once you're all fixed up, and going out, you'll feel more confident and happy. Not only that........your husband will probably stop taking you for granted because he will feel a little threatened by the "new you". I know some women will not agree with me but if a man knows that he has an independent, beautiful woman, he knows that he better be on his best behavior or someone else may want her. It's worked for me all these years. Let him know that he has a good catch and other people know it too!! Have fun and enjoy!! I am positive that your husband will soon come around. Quit being so predictable. He knows you'll stay home with the kids and he takes advantage of that. Get sassy and let him know that you're going to make some changes. Good luck!! Keep us updated. :)

Hello B.,
Sorry to hear that your birthday was such a bummer. I can relate to the bummer birthday. My family always made a big deal of birthdays whenI was young and my husband's family did not. So, it has been hard for me when my in-laws never seem to attempt to do anything with us for our birthdays (my birthday and my husband's are 8 days apart so it makes sense to celebrate both at the same time.) After some rough birthdays, my husband and I have been able to communicate our expectations better and this past birthday was good. I wondered if I should bring it up to him because I felt like it was immature of me to care so much, but I finally realized that if it was important to me, I should talk it over with him instead of waiting for another frustrating birthday next year. So, my opinion is that you are NOT being selfish (especially if your husband goes out every weekend morning leaving you with both kids) and it would be wise to bring this up with your husband. From experience, I know you will be better off if you try to say things in a non-accusatory manner so your hubby doesn't become defensive. Just try to be honest with him.
Hope this helps and hope you feel loved and appreciated soon.

Rachael

B.,
If I were you I would get a babysitter and plan a day just for yourself. Go get your hair done. Call a friend and go have lunch, just do something for yourself and when he ask just tell him I need my day away from you and the kids too. Maybe he will see that you need that time too.
I personally would tell him you need to talk and tell him exactly what you are feeling. MEN do not read minds. They never have and never will. We can't change them. You should read a book called Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. I learned a lot about the relationship with my husband by doing that. It puts a lot in perspective.
TELL HIM YOU WERE UPSET AND WHAT YOU NEED FROM HIM. Take a day just for the two of you and go have lunch or go to a park and sit and talk away from everything. It will make SO much of a difference. I have been married for 21 years this Dec and we have been together since our Senior Year in High School. We have never been in an arguement to this day. We talk about everything we have a problem with, so it does not lead to that. Just be open and honest and tell him how you are feeling. You will be amazed with the outcome.
Caring in Onaway. T. W

You sound like most women and mothers. I too, have felt the same way. I have come to understand that my husband just doesn't feel the same way about birthdays and holidays as I do. I have also learned that it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I do make sure my thoughts and opinions are heard though! If you don't tell him, it will build up and eat away at you. Why don't you have your own morning out? Make a date with your girlfriend(s) every other week or just spend the time alone doing what you want to do. Even once a month is good. It did wonders for me. I also make sure my husband and I find time to spend together once a month. It's not alot but it's our time and we look forward to it. All of the scheduling takes alot of work but it is worth it. Everyone hits rough patches but they can be worked through. Don't give up!

I would say talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. Let him know you don't care about the financial part but that he makes some effort to make it special. I would hope you can talk to him about it and he'd say Aaaaaaah I didn't realize...............cause if he is just being unthoughtful then you have a right to be upset.....

Are we married to twin brothers!? I work full time too, and have a 6 and 8 year old. Yes guys need a moment to return to their cave (with their guy friends). But so do we!!! I have resorted to setting up my own birthday parties, I create Wives Night Out with girlfriends, I order my own flowers and send them to myself (and fill out the card from the family as well) at least three times a year. I've stopped waiting for appreciation! You are a strong, beautiful woman that has been sent two angels that you will continue to look after for years to come. Forget the resentment, it's his loss for the time he's missing out on the kids. As long as you are there for them they will be okay! As for gifts and relatives, I have found the perfect gift for me is to have the kids spend time with the relatives (mom and sister) so that I can have some Me-Time and take myself to the movies, play, church event, run errands or go shopping by myself! Somebody else has to be a helpmate while my mate is off gathering himself. It works wonders :-) So stay strong and know that you are the Master of Your Destiny! ---- Signed, No Love Lost---

B. ~
One of the things you should do is to schedule something for yourself, like a massage, day at the spa, some sort of pampering. Make sure you get out of the house before your husband and just say, "bye, see you in a little while...I'm going to whatever..." He has no choice but to watch the kids while you go out. Don't give him time to refuse, just walk out. Be nice about it, but firm. This is your time. You deserve it as much as he does. It's not called babysitting, it's parenting. He can choose to hire someone to babysit while he goes out or take the kids along.
I would tell him how you feel about the birthday thing. We usually just do dinner out somewhere and the person whose birthday it is gets to pick.
My husband always picks out a funny card and a romantic card. For anything he buys a card for me for (Valentine's day, sweetest day, birthday, anniversary, etc.) The card's not that hard, he doesn't have to write it ... just spend a few minutes to find one. Once again, you need to tell him how you feel. We don't really do big gifts for each other for birthdays, or anniversaries....but we spend time together. For our 10th ann. we went on a cruise, no gifts, but something special for the 2 of us.
good luck!
D.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY

All your feelings are valid, even the ones of selfishness. But if all you're asking is for one day out the year, it's all good. After having those same thoughts, I decide to never let it happen again. So, I NOW PLAN WHATEVER I WANT TO DO ON MY BIRTHDAY. I plan where I want to go, who I want to be with, what I want to eat, wear, etc. and DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR ANYBODY ELSE. One day out of 365! Plan something with friends, husband, or Self. But make sure U are doing what U want. It's your birthday and it's only really important to U. So, U must be responsible for it being special to U. (Unfortunately, our love ones don't always understand or meet our expectations.) You must communicate it to your husband. 'It's my birthday and I'm going to do this, this...and. It's my birthday and I don't want to do this....and....that). It's one day out of 365. On mothers day I don't feel special cause I still have to feed my kids and cater to My mother. So, my birthday is my one day out of 365 that I DO What I Want TO DO! Hopefully friends and family will understand and grant U that one wish.

I know you responded to everyone's advice already, but this thread hit home so much for me that I have to add to it. I have one of the "unromantic" husbands as well. He's actually good about b-days and Christmas; he finds nice cards and does a good job picking out clothes, etc. to buy me. The rest of the year, I don't expect things like random flowers or anything. Which I've come to live with (or without, ha). He does a good job of saying he loves me, etc., which intellectually I appreciate more than the things, but sometimes the gestures are nice too. Reading everyone's replies, I think I might have to check out that book. I've *always* been the one to do little romantic gestures myself, and apparently it's because I've wanted them in return....makes sense.

I don't have the same situation as you in terms of work; I stay at home with our 16-month-old daughter. But I find myself getting resentful of how much work I do around the house and with her as well. My husband's job requires a lot of mental concentration, and I know he thinks he's well within his rights to laze around on a Sunday resting. I understand that, but while I know watching a toddler isn't rocket science, I get resentful that *my* job goes 24/7. I'm the one to feed her, get up with her (hubby likes sleeping in), and do the million little things that accompany a child. Even simple things like fetching all the things she needs to go out in the car all fall on me, and it gets me riled up. But when I try to talk about it with my husband, he gets defensive. (To be fair, I'm really defensive too. Not a good combo.) I read about dads who come home from work and want to take over bath time, and I think, why can't he do that? I'd love the break. Instead, my "break" is to make dinner, or I run around straightening up. He helps with bathtime but has never done it alone. I know he's tired, but so am I...

We have worked out a system where I get breaks on Fridays (he doesn't work then). I'll take off for a few hours and do whatever. But sometimes it falls by the wayside, and I find it exhausting that I have to ASK for time off to feel like I'm getting any type of break. Again, to be fair, I controlled most aspects of my daughter's life initially - she has always slept poorly (still doesn't sleep through the night) and I nagged my husband mercilessly about being quiet so she'd stay asleep because I was so sleep-deprived myself. We've talked about it and I know he resents it but I still do it. So I try to remember the ways I've fallen short too, but I still get so resentful so much of the time now.

Anyway, I'm wandering off the topic, but I just wanted to pitch in and sympathize. I don't have any answers because I'm struggling through these issues too. I also don't have any friends in the area (we just moved back to MI, to the Midland area, and I don't know anyone here). One of the things I really love about this website is that I read replies from people with kids who are much older than mine, and I value their advice because they've been through it. I'm still going through it, and it's hard!

One last note - I've read many replies on Mamasource about how husbands need to be thanked and not nagged; sort of have their egos stoked. I'm sloooowly coming around to that. I married an intellectual type and I never thought I would have to "play that game" with him, and I've been mad about that. (Shouldn't he just *do* the dishes like I do?) But I think for the sake of my marriage, I need to work on doing that, and not resenting it. It makes me tired to think about consciously boosting his ego (I have enough to do). But when I think carefully about it, I guess that's how I'd like to be treated as well.

OK, this is a long reply. But I got something from everyone's responses, so thanks. And Bridget T, I loved yours.