15 answers

Need Input About Husband and His Privacy Issues

I am married and I want to go back to college to pursue a nursing degree. My husband is supportive of this but is not willing to allow me to search his things in the house in order to find his 2007 W2 so that he or I could file it for my financial aid from the government. His stance is he needs his privacy in the home and he will look for it himself. He has tried to, a little but I actually found it myself and then asked him could I look for it and he said no. Now, is it me thinking incorrectly or should he be more open to letting me look for the W2 since I am his spouse, or should I leave it alone even though time is running out for me to register for classes? Does he have trust issues? How should I take this?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions. I can happily say that when me and my husband were having a peaceful moment, I told him I found his w2 and he was not angry. I explained that I need to do more with my life and my wanting to pursue further education. Not just for me, but for our family as a whole. Also, I told him he needs to file his past w2's for tax purposes anyway so that the IRS doesn't come after him. So, the situation is solved and I have done his 2007 taxes online. Thanks again and God Bless. Power to the WOMEN!!

Featured Answers

I have to say that does sound strange is he a very private man. If so then maybe not but if he is not private then to me it is funny to me. I wouldn't want my husband to tell me that. I would have already gotten upset hearing him say that. I am a blunt an bold woman though. The best thing is to try an open up an talk to him.

More Answers

If you're married, filing jointly, on your tax return, then you should have access to that information. If the IRS were to audit you, you'd be just as accountable as he would, regardless of who prepared the tax return. And what about if something happens to him and you're left to manage the household finances. Does he want to leave you with such a mess that you're stuck cleaning up without him? The fact that he won't let you have it is very suspicious to me (maybe even a little selfish). I can understand his desire for privacy, but his W2 is not something he should be hiding. I never go through my husband's mail or email or even cell phone records - that's private. But financial data should be shared information.

2 moms found this helpful

I never ask for permission, I just do it. There shouldn't be anything that he doesn't want you to see. First of all, if he didn't want you to look through his junk, then he should have gotten it out for you to have since you need it. It's your house too and you have every right to look through whatever you want. You might wanna start thinking about if he has something he doesn't want you to see. But, he might just be lazy and didn't want to help you find it. Men are babies

I have to say that does sound strange is he a very private man. If so then maybe not but if he is not private then to me it is funny to me. I wouldn't want my husband to tell me that. I would have already gotten upset hearing him say that. I am a blunt an bold woman though. The best thing is to try an open up an talk to him.

I have to agree that this sounds very strange, especially regarding finacial forms that impact you. That kind of privacy response would not fly with me in my own home. It sounds less like trust and more like a some kind of power struggle. I would be demanding all finacial records after getting a response like that. I have seen to many people end of with horrible finacial problems over a spouse hiding information. I am not saying this is the case, but it is red flag if you ask me, and I would not let it slide.

I would have good and long talk with him about this. All bets woudk be off until he was open and honest.

While I agree that this is not normal, I wanted to add another spin to it.
Does he want you to go back to school? He may want you to miss the deadline to register.
Other than that, if he wants privacy, that is what they put the lock on the bathroom door for, so to speak...and to reference the everyone loves Raymond show.
People who have nothing to hide don't mind if you look thru stuff. (meaning spouses) and they shouldn't have anything to hide. This is my house (not meaning it isn't his, just a point) and I will look anywhere I want to, I am not a guest here. It wouldn't even cross either of our minds to ask permission to look for something, help in finding it maybe, but to just look, no. I don't even mind him or my son going in my purse to get something. They know what they could find in a girls purse. If it is something they aren't going to put back, for instance my last ten, then I just ask for a courtesy heads up about it. Of course we all usually ask before we do this but, there are times when you don't get the chance to ask first and have to run. Gifts are usually left for the addressee to open and such but, we don't mind if any of us including son, open the mail. Since I have edited this I will add this now though...This only applies to our things. emails are not an issue being we have a household email and those are fair game as well.
dh work things are left alone, period. That is not our property. ...working for us for going on 21 years.
Now, on the flip side of that, I don't mind my husband at all, we are partners he can look at will(his home too and he feels visa-versa), but I hate when my mil starts messing with things without asking (guest)flip side, my Mom or even my sisters could "snoop" as someone put it anywhere and I wouldn't care. Trust, nonjudgemental, comfort level, I don't think of them as guests. Probably from growing up with them in the same kind of home where if it wasn't hidden or locked away, you could eat it or wear it. ;o)

Edna and I are on the same page! Something is WRONG! You should be able to look at any and all financial records for your household. He can have privacy in the shower.....other than that you should be all knowing!! Hope you get this figured out!!

My husband and I are very open minded and tell each other everything. However, he does not open my mail or email, etc and I don't go through his. That is wrong in my opinion.

I do believe we each have a right to some level of privacy. I would be furious if someone when through my things without my knowledge. The tables would then turn as far as trust issues at that point for me.

As for financial records, that is an open book around here and there are no secrets. I do believe there should be no financial secrets with couples although many couples have money secrets that could destroy a relationship.

I would not dream of snooping through hubby's things even if I felt a reason. That betrays him. I would ask him. If he ever snooped through my things I would look at him so differently and re-think our relationship. Snooping is WRONG. If you are not close enough to ask him why then re-think your lines of communication in your relationship.

I agree with another poster who suggest that he may have another reason such as maybe he does not want you to go back to school, maybe he would feel insecure if you are gone. If you already have questions about this privacy issue, maybe he feels threatened that you are looking (secretly) to better yourself and get out of the relationship.

Instead of boiling inside wondering, talk to him and figure out what it really is. It could be as simple as him just wanting to have some space for himself. I don't think you should get all worked up and start the thinking process on affairs, etc just because of this.

I certainly did not mean to offend anyone, everyone has his/her own opinion. We are a very open minded, up front and blunt couple going on 20 yrs this December.

Best wishes to you.

My first instinct is to say "weird". But, Is your husband territorial about other things as well? Maybe he does just have a strong sense of privacy?

On the other hand, I would SOOOO snoop around like crazy when he is gone just to satisfy my curiosity to see IF he has a reason to be so secretive. But, thats just me.

I would tell him that he has "2 days" (or however long) to find it or you are going to have to find it for him. If he doesnt understand that then he really isnt THAT concerned for his privacy.

I would have a problem with that. He sounds like he is hiding something.

Hello! You're his SPOUSE! You have every right to now that kind of info. Do you not file your taxes together? Who pays the bills? Do you have any idea of what your household income is???? These are serious questions you need to be asking!!! Why in the world would he be "hiding" this stuff if you guys were in the open about everything? I'm certainly not trying to be mean, but you have every right to this kind of information.....

Is this new behavior?
If it is, I'd want to know who the heck he's sneaking around with. That's just me though.

I think we all need our own privacy. But I think the difference is to what degree. I mean, the whole house can't be off limits when searching for paperwork. Where did you find it? In his personal diary or in a file in the file cabinet? I don't think we should look in our spouse's private diaries or personal effects just for the sake of looking there and being nosy, but at the same time, there shouldn't be anything your husband is hiding from you.

We all have our personal secrets. If your husband wants to keep some things private, say for instance his journals, then he needs to keep those things in a particular place and say this dresser drawer, or this night stand, or whatever, is off limits. Saying that everything he has is private is unacceptable in my opinion. You are married and what's his is yours and what's yours is his.

I know each couple's dynamic is different. I'm the keeper of all things financial in our house so this scenario would be the other way around for us. However, if my husband asked me to find the W2, I would have no problem letting him look for it himself. Of course, he wouldn't go and look in my journal for it. He'd look where we keep the tax paperwork.

I think it's ok to have some things be private. I always think of the Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Ray walks in on Debra when she's bleaching her peach fuzz (mustache). That was her "secret". Some people write about their fantasies in their journals or maybe things they do wrong, that don't have anything to do with their spouses, as a sort of confession or cleansing of the soul. I don't think a spouse needs to know about things like that. But in regards to this particular situation, me thinks your husband doth protest too much.

The request for privacy is reasonable, but the degree to which your husband is requesting it is unreasonable, at least in my opinion. :-)

That is absurd and would not be tolerated in my home. I would advice him to have a discussion about what is going on here, and look through the box together, otherwise let him know there will be counseling appointment set for next week. What would he not trust you with? The information or you going out of the home for school....?

Ive been married almost 13 years and I dont even ask my husband for things like that...I just do it. I cant see him even having an issue at all with it. Im fine with privacy, but what is the big deal trying too look for a w2? Definitely weird...I also agree though maybe its not a privacy issue and maybe he really doesnt want you to go back to school, and just doesnt want to say anything.

Ditto to other posts - this an orange flag - not quite red, as some folks do not like people messing with their stuff, but if he is not that way in that if he's not organized and persnickety in general, then I think you have a problem. I've been there and it is painful. But, you should not delay in dealing with it - get professional help if you don't feel you can do this without attacking him. It's better to explain how his view makes you feel. If he doesn't respect your feelings, that's also an issue.

Required Fields

Our records show that we already have a Mamapedia or Mamasource account created for you under the email address you entered.

Please enter your Mamapedia or Mamasource password to continue signing in.

Required Fields

, you’re almost done...

Since this is the first time you are logging in to Mamapedia with Facebook Connect, please provide the following information so you can participate in the Mamapedia community.

As a member, you’ll receive optional email newsletters and community updates sent to you from Mamapedia, and your email address will never be shared with third parties.

By clicking "Continue to Mamapedia", I agree to the Mamapedia Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.