Need Ideas for Encouraging Independence in My 10-Year-old

Cleaning up may never happen-but why in the world doesn't she get herself out of bed? That is Crazy. I'd make changes over the summer before school starts. Decide what really needs to change, and do a couple of things. You can't change anyone overnight. My kids are walking chaos, but dirty clothes go in the hamper and dirty dishes go in the sink. Also, things of theirs "disapear" when I find them places they do not belong, and rarely do they even ask, but, when they do I ask where they left it. why in the world do i deal w/ toys in the kitchen? Drives me crazy. Choose the battle.

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Be well.

N.

I think 10 is too young for you to expect that she keep her room clean. As a matter of fact, I don't know any kids at any age that really keep their room clean on their own volition. But 10 is a good enough age to start a learning process about self-sufficiency. Maybe start in the kitchen where you can have some fun together making sandwiches. Tell her that someday she will be able to take care of everything all by herself. Make a chart with stickers for completion of a few simple chores. Any don't worry so much mom. She's going to be just fine.

I had 7 children and had to have some routines in order to survive. I also taught students with a variety of problems. What worked best was some very simple almost robot-like tasks that don't seem very important in and of themselves, but do set up some good habits. I worked with a chart, and I checked the chart every single day. Points were given, and eventually rewards were earned with the points.

For instance, my children had very simple tasks to do before school. They had to smooth the quilt over their bed (I kept everything simple so no elaborate bed-making was needed at that age), they had to put clothes in their dressers and close their drawers, they had to put dirty clothes and towels in the hamper, and they had to close the door to their bedroom. Students at school had to have a sharp, unbroken pencil, have a book of their choice for leisure reading, have a notebook to write in, and be seated in their desk with booth feet on the floor when the bell rang. When you perform simple tasks like this day after day, it gives a sense of order, and it becomes a habit that then enables you to move further to more complex tasks.

I would suggest just choosing a very limited set of behaviors for your daughter to start with. Make sure they are something that can be checked by you, and then do it every single day. Keep track, and have a system of rewards. When these behaviors become second nature, you can substitute others that require more responsibility.

For housecleaning, I divided the weekly cleaning into areas, like bathroom, bed changing, etc. I worked right along each child on a rotating set of tasks until they could perform them well on their own. Every Saturday we had about an hour of joint cleaning time with each of us carrying out one of the areas. I know that just one child can't do everything, but it might help it be less boring if she got to rotate each week. For instance, one week she could change the sheets and put them in the washer and dryer. One week she could clean the bathrooms.

Although we did have a system of rewards, I did give an allowance that was unrelated to chores. The idea was that you deserve some spending money as part of the family, but you also have some responsibilities. The rewards were separate. My children liked books, so they would earn a trip to the bookstore to choose a book, and then got a nameplate in their book. They might earn a trip to a special attraction.

On the whole, my children, four of whom were adopted, have grown up to be responsible adults. My students went on to high school and teachers there told me that they were amazed that children with learning and emotional problems came to class ready to learn. I absolutely believe in small reachable goals, a few at a time, carried out consistently.

First of all, let me say that I can empathize with what you are going through and understand that it is not easy being an older parent. I am sure that you and your husband want the absolute best of life for your daughter. Let me just tell you that indulging her by not setting boundaries with her is only going to hinder her in the long run. I am sorry that your circumstances have always seemed to be chaotic since she was younger. But it is not too late to turn things around with her. From your description, you did not give many examples of her behavior, but from you did say, I would say that it is not normal to be carried to the table in the morning and have your clothes picked out for you at age 10. I would think that an easy way for you to encourage independence with her is to relate this to school starting soon. You could have a conversation with her and tell her, "you know, school is starting soon, I was thinking of having set routines for our whole household so that things can run smoothly." Then talk with her about whatever the routine will be. For example, you could buy her a new alarm clock and have her set it everyday to wake herself up for school. Have her do a bedtime routine (take bath, set out clothing for school the night before, put homework in place near the door. Start showing her how to do her own laundry ( I did this with my daughter at age 10-11...made her responsible for her own laundry). Maybe do things like cooking with her and showing her basic housecleaning chores for the bathroom and other rooms in the house. If you do this gradually, she can clean houses in the summer to earn spending money when she gets older and it would be good preparation for college/living on her own.) Teach her about wants versus needs and show her that she has to work hard to get money to buy possessions. This will give her an idea that she is not entitled to everything she wants. A good resource to help children learn about money/finances is Dave Ramsey. You can check out his books at the library or he does also have a website. Just spend 1:1 time with her and show her that you care. Don't try to be her friend...she needs parents and part of being a parent is setting boundaries when needed.

The very best of luck to you.
J.

Hi Colleen
Thing one, congratulations on acknowledging it and asking for help. You have a lot of time to correct what you think you may have done.

Thing two, clean room…simple, clean it, take digital pics, and tell her “this is what your room is to look like”. There is no “or else” – whenever you give an “or else” they weigh the consequences to see “what it is worth to them”. Just be matter of fact. She will keep her room that way.

As for doing stuff for her, that is easy to fix. BTW – don’t use your past as excuses, it is what it is, now you have to do what you must do to correct it. Excuses are just stories and stories change based on memory.

I am married and I have a 13 year old and a 10 year old (both girls) and here is our routine.

In our family we have “responsibilities” we don’t have chores. As a family it is our “responsibility” to ensure our home is clean and safe. That means EVERYONE does everything. We prepare meals together, we do dishes together, we clean house together. DAILY we do a 10 minute tidy every day – we put on 3 - 4 really fun fast songs, we set the time and we each pick a space to “clean” – cupboards, walls, floors, sweeping, dusting, clean out the fridge – whatever – then we just do it – but only for 10 mins. It is fun, fast and every day we get 40 mins of house work in (I have a family of 4). No more struggling to keep the house clean.

On the first of the month the 13 year old receives $200 and the 10 year old gets $100. 25% goes to rent, yes, they both pay rent
25% is kept in cash for necessities – toothpaste, deodorant, clothing, stuff they “need” – I pay for their food (unless they are going out with a group of friends – that comes from them)
10% goes to pay me for their sponsored sister (through World Vision)
10% goes toward education – books, school trips etc.
10% for Long Term Savings – for example my older daughter was saving for a trip with her Teen Group – she saved $800!
10% for Financial Freedom – every month they give me 10% of their income to invest.
10% Play – they can spend it on whatever they want – I can say NOTHING about it.

This teaches them responsibility for their actions and their own money. My 10 year old came home from “hanging at the mall” with her friend and her mom with a bag of new socks. I gave her a funny look and she said, “mom, they were in the clearance bin, they were only $5. 2 months ago when I bought this same pack it was $9! I am going to put them in my closet for school”

Colleen, I could go on, but really I have already taken up too much space. I would love to talk to you about the simple things you can do, ____@____.com. I have written some ebooks about some of my advice/ideas ($23 for 3 books) if you want, contact me and I will tell you how to get them.

Colleen, “afluenza” is VERY common. But it is curable. I can help.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

Your kid is terrific! Count your blessings! Whatever you do, don't confuse her with some radical plan of action.

We are older parents, also, with a 7 year old daughter who is spoiled to death. We had a few issues sustaining pregnancies and our daughter was born extremely early, so I completely understand the dynamic you're describing.

I highly recommend that you check out enjoyparenting.com. Scott Noelle, the parenting coach behind the operation, is about the smartest guy on the planet for practical parenting advice, in my humble opinion. Pose your question over there and I'm confident that you'll get excellent advice that will work for you AND your daughter.

Good luck!

I like Sharon T's advice. I have a 9 yr old son and 5 yr old daughter. I agree that you guys carrying her out of bed was crazy. Good for you for catching it now and stopping that. (Until recently I was bathing my son. I realized, wait a second, he's not 3 anymore, he can totally lather up himself!)

I am trying to figure out the same for my 9 yr old. When he was in 3rd grade this year, the teacher (and the school) really tries to make the kids responsible for their own work and stuff. At the end of the year, she had a cool event for her class. They had to "earn" money at home doing chores (BOY did that motivate him) and then they had 3 days where they had their own business to sell stuff. It was a big hit.

At that point it started to dawn on me I needed to give my kids CHORES to encourage personal responsibility. But like Sharon, I don't want to link it to MONEY because then they'll ask "what's in it for me?" instead of doing the chore for the sake of doing it. So I have to figure that one out... how to separate the two.

Right now my son takes out the trash when we ask. I escort him outside to assist, but make sure I don't DO anything. He does it all. I observed the preschool teacher do the same with my then 4 yr old daughter. She would encourage and patiently watch her dress herself, but never step in to do it because it's "faster". It is faster, but THEY need to learn how to help themselves also.

I also ask them to clean up their rooms and sometimes they do it and sometimes they don't. But I know they can do it and I know that when I step out of the room and let them handle it, they are SO PROUD of themselves. That good feeling is the feeling I want to encourage (not the payments for chores).

When I asked my preschool teacher for BOOKS she recommended two authors.

Dr. Jane Nelson's Positive DIscipline
http://www.positivediscipline.com/

Dr. Becky Bailey's Loving Guidance
http://www.consciousdiscipline.com/

Is there some family therapist in your area? Ask her if they offer any FREE Advice seminars, classes or something. You might just read a good book before you go the therapist route. Sometimes that can be a waste of time and money. (I speak from experience.) What I think you need to have a clear plan and you can do that by reading good books for guidance on this topic. Once YOU are clear on a good plan, you can discuss it with your husband. Perhaps once he sees you implement stuff, he will see results and how seamless and helpful it can be.

I have noticed my son become more responsible for his own stuff and it's a great thing to see.

Colleen, In reading your post, it occurs to me that you are not looking to encourage your daughter's independence so much as you are seeking some self-discipline for her. Have you considered dance or gymnastics? It has been my experience, with my own daughters, and the pre-teen & teenage girls at our dance studio, that dance has taught them tremendous self-discipline. Many of them are in honors classes in high school, they are self-motivators, great time managers, very responsible, etc. Dance has really taught them personal responsibility. Also, how about asking your daughter what she feels her responsibilities within the family/within the daily routine should be. Most times, when we allow our children to make this type of choice, it is much easier for them to be consistent and successful. Having you for her mom, well, it sounds as though you are going to work tirelessly to keep her on a great path...she is lucky to have you! Peace to you, B.

Hello,
I also agree with allowance and set chores. This is how I grew up. Some people say that you shouldn't give your children allowance for helping out around the house, that they shouldn't expect money for pitching in and playing their part in helping the family, but I really see it as an opportunity to also help them become familiar with money and how much things cost -- and also to start a lifelong habit of learning to SAVE money.

I would suggest the allowance for chores, with the stipulation that 20% of the allowance goes into your child's savings account. Set one up at your bank for her and she will really begin to feel grown up -- and learn the importance of saving over a lifetime.

I think chores are great for teaching responsibility. We have a list of standard chores that just get done (no pay) because we're family and we should work together to make our home run smoothly. And, then we have extra chores that earn pay.

No play til chores are done!

Instead of you constantly doing for her, encourage her to do for you. Set the table while you cook dinner, help cook dinner, make the dessert, fold the towels, wash the car, etc. It teaches compassion to help others, responsibility, and a sense of ownership!

If you start at this age by doing things TOGETHER then as a teen you can bow out and let her do on her own!

Good luck!

Pick one battle at a time--like coming to the breakfast table on her own--and be insistant that she do it herself. If that means going hungry a few times, so be it. Explain that she has to start doing more things on her own without help. A 10 year old is plenty capable of understanding that. It is going to take to take time to get this turned around. I had other issues with my older daughter, and we used behavioral methods to shape her behavior, like awarding her poker chips for good behavior that could be saved-up to purchase a treat, like a trip to the movies or a special outfit. If this is the only way she can get these rewards (instead of having everything just given to her regardless of behavior) then she will make a turn-a-round. Again, though, it is going to take some time. DO NOT GIVE UP!! That will not only destroy everything you have done but also make it twice as hard the next time. Good luck!

It's fantastic you recognize this is a problem, and you're trying to do something about it NOW. Very smart! At 10, you have about 2 more years of her being receptive to you and building healthy habits before she starts the natural process of pulling away from her family to try and be her own person. It's great to catch this before her teen years!!

Our family firmly believes in self-sufficiency and personal responsibility. I'm teaching our 18 mo old how to take off his own clothes for bathtime. Our 5 year old comes home and automatically puts his shoes in his closet and washes his hands -- he knows no playtime until that's done, so he just does it to get to the fun stuff faster! A new chore is that he sprays (chemical-free) cleaner on the kitchen table after dinner and wipes it clean. Our 15 yr old does her own laundry, empties the dishwasher and now (added recently) puts away leftovers after dinner. We add a new responsibility every 6 months or so. The trick is we give them CHOICES. No one likes to feel controlled or told what to do. I sure don't! We respect that and offer them choices. "Do you want to take out the trash or do the dishes?" Sometimes it's "do you want to brush your teeth before you put on PJs or after?" They still have to brush, but they get to control when.

If you're near La Crescenta, you might want to check out a parenting class coming up in Sept. -- it's at our church (but it's not church-related or relious) and it's FREE. The director of the Center for Children will be teaching the "Love and Logic" style to her staff and local parents. L&L has been so helpful to me since I learned about it 2 years ago!! L&L helps parents develop a philosophy of child rearing that allows children to develop a strong sense of responsibility that can be applied in all areas of their life. They focus on sharing control, and allowing kids to experiences the consequences of their choices (good or bad). Also helps us find the humor in our children even when they are driving us crazy! The classes are Wed nights from 6:30-8 I think, for about 8 weeks. Let me know if you want more details. If you're too far away, check out their website and listen to a few podcasts to get an idea about it. www.loveandlogic.com
I bought several of their books on CD and listen in the car during my commute - has been my sanity saver, for sure!
Good luck!

Hello, A ten year old should be able to clean their own room and walk herself to the breakfast table. You both love her very much and you cannot overdo that. However, she must become responsible for her own actions (making a mess). Just put it to her matter-of-fact that she is now old enough and will now have to clean up her own messes. Explain that if she doesn't, she will lose priviliges. You can make it her job and pay an allowance, or she can work towards fun activities. Either way, she is seeing that their is reward for being responsible. I would make it sound as though she is doing this as part of her moving towards being a grown-up and that by showing you and your husband that she is growing up, she will have more privileges. I am probably rambling and I am sorry. If you don't instill in her that she has to be responsible for herself, she will not be able to become a responsible adult and that is not good. By the way, most ten year olds would love to get out of doing their own work. Ha! Ha!
Good luck with your precious little girl.

What about establishing a list of chores for allowance? My daughter is ten and really is into clothes. She has learned thru shopping (clothes, groceries and gas) how much everything costs and you have to work thru your chores if you want something. As far as playdates, shame on the girls moms for not insisting to clean up the mess before they leave. If you see a pattern, allow the girls a twenty minute window before the parent arrives so everything is back in it's place. Lastly, a trip to the fire station hit home for my daughter when it came to keeping her room clean. In case of a fire, it's important to be able to get in or out, a clear path at all times. How many times have you stepped or tripped when going in her room? Good luck.

No matter what new rules you establish with your daughter, you and your husband need to be a united team in enforcing those rules. Together, pick 5 key "House Rules" that EVERYONE needs to follow. Your daughter is growing into a young adult, so she will follow your example.
Start small to inspire some of the independent, self-sufficient behaviors. Since her bedroom is such a sticking point, maybe start with something else to lay off of that area for a while. Here are some ideas:
1) Everyone takes a turn preparing a dinner once a week.
2) Everyone must clear their own dirty dishes from the dinner table and load them into the dishwasher or wash up.
3) Everyone must plan a family activity once a month for the whole family to participate in.
4) Everyone has one chore that they're responsible for once a month (vacuum the stairs was the one I always had growing up).
etc.
Certainly, you and your husband will end up doing more, but the idea is to start small, and STICK TO IT. Given your overloaded schedules, refocus on your home life and your family relationship for a few months to really re-establish a routine. It takes something like 21 times for a routine to be established and a habit to be formed. It will take hard work, so my advice is to start small, be united, and consistent. Good luck!

Colleen,

My 16 year old step daughter was raised in a similar way, and we're paying for it now, above and beyond the annoyance of her room being messy. While ours is a very kind and considerate person at heart as well, she's simply not stepped up to the plate in terms of taking on responsibilities at school and at home, despite facing "consequences", etc. Example of how this plays out: she's reluctant to engage in meaningful activities that require commitment or diligence, and my husband thinks it's because she's afraid or doesn't have the confidence to take them on (as she never had to exit her comfort zone as a child). (and note: she is a confident girl, poised, etc - it's more confidence in her ability to face new situations). I observe that she's not very resilient in terms of dealing with setbacks (she's never had to be inconvenienced in the past), and she also gets stressed out pretty easily. We chalk alot of this up to her not being practiced in taking charge of her own things. Her nanny spoon fed and bathed her until she was 10! So while many 10 year olds may rebel at household tasks, in our experience it is definitely worthwhile to set rules and expectations now. First, you'll establish a good foundation for the rocky teen years, and second, and more importantly, you'll help her develop confidence, skills and independence to learn and function on her own. Believe me, college and independent living will be upon you in a heartbeat, and you'll want her equipped to become an enjoyable adult whom others want to be friends with.

There's a story about Eleanor Roosevelt, who grew up very privileged, in which when she went to college she wore the same cardigans without cleaning them for months, until they got really gross and someone had to say something. Turns out she had no clue that her clothes actually needed to be washed - she'd been that taken care of her whole life, clean clothes just appeared! Eleanor turned out okay, of course, but if we can spare our kids that kind of cluelessness we'll be doing them a big service in their ability to become high functioning adults.

So, I would definitely dig in and invest time and energy in helping your daughter become more independent. It really will matter and pay off tons as she gets older and the stakes become higher. As far as your husband's concerned, I'd say the argument there is that while doing things for her now may be more efficient for you as a family, I guarantee it'll become a huge nightmare in her teenage years that will be MUCH more disruptive and harmful to everyone than the hassle of "training" her now.

Hi Colleen:

You may be interested in Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend's book "Boundaries with Kids." Here is a review of this excellent book:

"What the Award-Winning "Boundaries" has done for adult relationships "Boundaries with Kids" will do for you and uour children. Here at last is the help you need for raising your kids to take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, and emotions. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend take you through the ins and outs of establishing family boundaries and of instilling the kind of character in your children that will help them lead balanced, productive, and fulfilling adult lives. Learn how to
? set limits and still be a loving parent

? bring control to an out-of-control family life

? apply the ten laws of boundaries to parenting

? define legitimate boundaries for your family . . . and much more

Best wishes,

M.

p.s. I applaud you for addressing this now.

sometimes kids need to find things or parts of their lives they can have control over. it sounds like you've taken control of everything so far so give some up - share this control over everything in her life. I'd start with sitting down and talking about "sharing" of things to do in the house. Talk about how a family shares in the "living together" such as cooking, cleaning and the fun too. Lay out some simple chores SHE can choose to do; such as dishes after dinner or setting the table, folding laundry, making a salad for dinner or dessert plus clean-up. You may want to not focus on the bedroom yet since she obviously is thinking this is her room and at least give me that control. I'd thank her for helping but not make a huge deal over it- make it so that you all thank each other for your part of being a family. Slowly, you may include picking up clothes from the floor of her room, making her bed etc. I used to tell my kids that keeping their rooms neat helped me and the house organized which was important to me. I am sure there are things your dgtr likes you to do for her for whatever reason-- good time to show consideration for each others needs.

Start by giving her chores like the trash taking out,if her dirty clothes are not where are supposed to be come laundry time they do not get washed. As far as carrying her to bed that's cool I have a 21yr old daughter that still cuddles with me and when she is sick she wants to be in with mom, so hubby gets kicked to the couch.

Some spoiling is fine, but it sounds like you both should back off some, by letting her earn the things she gets, by taking care of the things she already has. My husband and I have done that with my daughter (HIS STEP DAUGHTER) He and I have done this from day one when we got together and now she takes even better care of her things, cause she proved to us that she is responsible for her own things.

The most important thing to remember you all have to work as a team the adults in her life cause later on it can really come back to bite you in the butt, she could start playing both ends against the middle and can cause all kinds of problems, not only with her but between you and your husband. My husband and I have been through this with my 21yr she would burn both ends at the same time, all she was doing was getting my ex and his wife to react, when my husband and I caught on to what she was doing we stop reacting to what she was telling us.

I hope this helps some. Let me know.

Oh, boy. Yes, you created a problem. Naturally your daughter doesn't feel motivated to take any kind of initiative for anything because you've trained her to expect that you and Daddy will always do that. She will only get more resistant to taking responsibility for herself with age so whether Daddy agrees or not you need to start helping her toward independence. Sign up for the daily emails on flylady.net for starters. Great housekeeping/organizing/getting-the-family-to-help website. Also read John Rosemond's columns. He is the exact opposite of your parenting style -- he is very strict and all about teaching kids self-discipline. I don't agree with every one of his views but his columns propose great solutions to discipline problems. Find him online for a weekly column.
Meanwhile, without a lot of scolding, threatening or fuss, you need to nudge your daughter into self-care routines. Picking out her own clothes each night is a good, easy fun one to start with. Choose one task at a time and when she's in the habit of doing it herself every day move on to another. If she resists or questions it, explain that she's old enough now to contribute to the household for the good of the family. Mom & Dad make their own beds so she can, too. Mom & Dad clean up whatever food spills they make, so she can, too. Praise her a lot, give her lots of positive attention when she pitches in. Don't expect perfection just steady progress toward the goal of having her take care of her own tasks as much as possible. If she has trouble getting with the program, post to-do lists in her bedroom or bathroom to remind her of a.m./p.m. tasks (keep it short and simple!) and possibly set up a reward system if she goes X number of days without missing any steps. (The reward should NOT be a free pass to get out of any of the tasks.)
As for your husband, keep explaining that you two will NOT be around for your daughter's whole life to do everything or fix everything for her. She MUST learn to become an independent adult. What are you going to do when she heads to college -- run off to her dorm every day to wash her clothes, serve her food and balance her checkbook? He should realize by his brother's example that making kids too dependent on you is a recipe for their utter failure as adults. Sounds like your daughter is a sweet kid, so take advantage of her currently good nature and start these efforts now. If you wait til she's a teenager it will be a total disaster. My mother never expected my brothers and I to do daily household chores til we were middle schoolers and she went back to work full time. Suddenly she needed us to do chores and of course we blew it off. She'd come home, get mad, yell, punish, the house was still a mess and everyone was in a bad mood. My father avoided both the chores and the conflict as much as possible so then Mom was mad at him, too. Trust me, it was NOT our family's happiest years. Meanwhile my BFF in high school not only knew how to do laundry and basic cleaning but she was cooking dinner for her family many nights. Guess who had more confidence heading out into the world? I'm teaching my kids the household chores slowly but surely so when they're teenagers it won't be such a shock and hopefully I won't have to scream at them every day like my mom! Just keep it light, fun, but very very consistent. Good luck.

Hello Colleen,
I know the dilema that you are feeling. We to have spoiled our children. Much to my chagrin, my husband felt there was not need (he being the youngest of 6) to make them clean their rooms and whatnot. I went to work part time 5 years ago and boy the house really went to pot. I would tell him I can't do it all that they children really need to pull their own weight and help. Needless to say I have a 15 yr old daughter and a 9 year old son who are wonderful kids. Kind, considerate, helpful to others, great kids right? We have recently moved and are renting for the first time in 20 years and this is not our house. Our children are slowly learning about breaking bad habits. This is not our house to mess up, not care or leave in shambles.
This has been a hard couple of months, but this is what I have seen so far. We have set rules about household chores and duties (mom no longer does it all). We (each of us) keeps our rooms clean, picked up and beds made. We started with this one. My son is no longer allowed to bring everything out of his room to play in the living room. One thing at a time then it gets put away.
Also, dinner dishes, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, etc. There are chores they can handle at their age. My daughter threw a fit about cleaning the bathroom for the 2nd week in a row so my son (9 yrs old) stepped up and said I will do it. He did a better job than she did. I have shown them what I expect, pitching of fits happen, grumbling while walking away, but it all seems to work when we do it together.
We have been in our new (to us) home for 2 months, school will be starting and work will start for me too. We will have to make scheduling changes for the school year, but everyone will still do their part.
I hope some of this helps. I know it's hard, my husband is finally on board, having to change his habits too. Good luck, it's not too late.

Hi Colleen,

Sounds like you love your daughter very much and you want the best for her. And like you said, you might need to get some counseling help. I've got 3 kids and having a parenting coach is very helpful for me. I'm a "student" of Lorraine Pursell. She has free teleclasses and other things she offers, including complete intervention (doesn't sound like you need intervention.....just a little support). You might like check out her website at http://www.LorrainePursell.com We all need a little support sometimes and she has some wonderful insight.

Blessings,
Marie-anne

First, let me say that my house runs far from perfectly. BUT, I have found that using some techniques from "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" actually makes things go smoother. Pick up a copy - or the audio version and you can listen to it together. There is a section on assigning "chores" or areas of personal responsibility to his kids, and it is very insightful. He assigns each kid one area where he is the "boss" or he is in charge. He can ask for help, and help will be given if the parent has time. He lets them know the expectations, and then steps back and lets the child be responsible. You might try having a family meeting and sharing your tiredness and ask how each member of the household can contribute to the home. Ask for her ideas and see what she has to say. I would be prepared with a list of responsibilities that need to happen and break up the assignments between the three of you. It would be cool if the jobs each had natural consequences associated with them. Like if she does not empty the dishwasher, there are no plates to eat breakfast on, etc. That way, nagging is minimized and the consequences will just take over! Good luck to you. Our family will be having another meeting soon, we are moving to a new home and everything will get shaken up in terms of jobs that need to be done.

Colleen M

You sound like a fantastic mother. Give your daughter some responsibility or remove a privilege. This will cause her to become more responsible for her own actions. A certain amount of spoiling is good, but limits are also important (as you well know). With your husband, just ask him to back you up, he does not have to agree.

Like some of the other mom's I used choices with my children who are not (29, 34, and 35 yrs old with families of their own) like for punishment "spanking or grounding in their room", "which do you want to do first? this chore or that chore," always with the idea that there would be something good after the chore was completed. Giving options like "clean your room and you can play video games or have friends over," things like this. They learned that life was largely based on making the right choices, there were times when I made the choice, but not very often. Rewards were given for taking responsibility for themselves and doing their part in cleaning, helping out, and much more.

Parenting classes are an option, with the income being so stretched it you may need to seek these classes that are paid on a sliding fee schedule. You have a big heart, and this is good. I am now a grandmother and great grandmother and still spoil all of my child and grandchildren, but I also have limits that are set for their own good. Begin setting limits and responsibilities such as putting her own clothes out the night before, cleaning her room or no friends can come to visit.

My niece is very spoiled she has been raised by my mother (who is now over 70 yrs old). Her room is a mess, she does not pick up after herself, talks back and worse; yet she is doing college level academics. She has no limits set, no responsibilities, and pretty much does what she wants. She appears to be older than her years, but has not learned responsibility.

You will get a great deal of advice, but you yourself know what to do, the conflict you will get will take its toll on you. Don't cave in to anyone (even your husband) who says your being too strict, my daughter thanked me for being so strict after she found that it was for her own good. Good Luck to you, only you can make the changes you need to make, even without your husbands support. Many times mothers are the heavy in raising children in a family, this is part of the territory. Again Good Luck.

Hey Colleen,
There are two great books out there called "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids" and "Home Improvement: Eight Tools for Effective Parenting" by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. These books are both excellent. Both deal primarily with parent communication with their children, setting standards, basic parenting skills, etc. I highly recommend both books. They may save you a lot of time and money and can easily be purchased off of Amazon.

put your foot down!!! my six yr old clean her own room and several other chores because that is her place in the family. let her know that it isn't all about her and ask her what her friends do in their families. then, ask her what she thought her friends would think if they knew her dad still carried her to the breakfast table and laid her clothes out every day. peer pressure can be great this way. i'm sure she'd be embarrassed if she thought her friends would find out about this. if she doesn't get the message, begin taking away priviledges. start with the TV if that's something she does every day. then the telephone, video games, anything basically important to her, and keep it gone until she consistently gives you the behavior you want. inform her that if she chooses not to rise when asked in the morning, she can stay in bed all day and stick to it. you do realize that being carried to the table is ridiculous, right? my 2 yr old isn't even that lazy. let your husband know that if he's not on board, then he can silently disagree and you will continue on your path to self sufficiency. you really need to deal with this before she hits her teens, trust me. ask her pediatrician to "tell her what 10 yr olds have to do". sometimes hearing it from someone with that authority helps. good luck, and stick to your guns. it will be a terrible shock if she continues this path and ends up like your brother in law. my sister is the same way, and its a pity!!!!