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Need Help with Teenage Daughter

I know some of you have dealt with this issue but was just needing some advice on how to handle my 17 year old daughter's disrespect and hateful attitude. My daughter had to grow up fast as she was only 7 years old when we found out she had juvenile diabetes and insulin dependent...so of course we were and are very protective. She has always been a handful, but lately it is attitude attitude. We have tried takeing things away from her(cell phone)grouding her from going out, rewarding her when she does something withouth asking! And nothing works, she is just so hateful to me and her father. I just don't know what else to do with her? Please give me some suggestions that have worked for some of you.

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Thank you all so very much for your help and advice on how to handle my daughter's attitude. I got the book some of you suggested and have started reading it. I did have a heart to heart talk with her adult to young adult, that seem to help some too, we have agreed to disagree without having attitude with it. We have prayed about it and I know God can change us both so that one day we will have the wonderful mother/daughter relationship we so want. You all are such an inspiration to me and I thank God we have a place like this to help each other out. God bless you all.

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Hi Sondra, I highly suggest a book by Dr. Kevin Leman, Have A New Kid By Friday, this book really works. I am not finished with it yet and it is working with my kids so far.

6 moms found this helpful

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Hi Sondra, I highly suggest a book by Dr. Kevin Leman, Have A New Kid By Friday, this book really works. I am not finished with it yet and it is working with my kids so far.

6 moms found this helpful

Dear Sondra: I realize I am late on responding to your plea on Feb 11th but I wanted to recommend Vanessa Van Patten for any of us needing advice, guidance and information. She is an author, life trainer for teens and a coach for teens and parents. She speaks at schools all over.

Here is a link to her website and her email- she is very helpful and has wonderful insight and guidance. She came to talk at one of our parent gatherings regarding our highschool teens.

Email Vanessa:

She has a weekly newsletter she can send to you if you opt for it.

Hope this helps- I have a teen boy but a girl coming up the pike so I am holding on hard before arrival. All my best.

6 moms found this helpful

Pray Pray Pray for her.
Out loud. In her room. Over her while she sleeps. Outside her room. In your room. Throughout your home. Pray Pray Pray.
And ask others, who know and love her to pray for her as well.
Pray with her, after a fight.
Ask for forgiveness when you are wrong.
Pray over her items. Cry out to the Lord for her.
Soon she will be out of your home.
Sit down with her and listen and do your best to ONLY listen. Active Listen. Even if she makes hateful statements, just listen and acknowledge how she feels. Listen some more and pray pray pray for her and with her.
Spend quality time with her.

She is testing you and crying out for something she needs.
Most likely it's your undivided attention and affirmation.

Blessings on your journey.

5 moms found this helpful

Friends of ours whose teenage son was driving them crazy were affected by this advice: Quit listing all the ways your son needs to change and start looking at yourself, "what kind of parent does he need right now?" Be that parent.

I've been helped by this prayer for my daughter, "God, whatever it is you are doing right now in her life, use me to help you. Don't let me go my own way and work against you." This helped me avoid being "over controling" and too lenient...

4 moms found this helpful

I know this is late too but I just thought that I'd still share my experience. My actions may have been a bit extreme but my point got across. My daughter is 14 years old, does pretty good in school and is a cheerleader and on the volleyball team. We have a good relationship however we'd always get into huge arguments when I would call her out on some area where she was slacking and she would be really disrespectful and even go as far as running out. This last home she ran out and left home and didn't come back until the next day. I knew she was at a friends house but I will not have a 14 year old under my roof thinking that she can treat me however she wants and then decide to "run away" and stay gone when she gets mad. I felt like I created this "monster". Her father has not contributed anything. He has not been there for her at all. My husband, her step-father can only do so much because at the end of the day he's not her real father and their relationship got off to a rocky start but they get along well now. Also when she was a little younger my daughter dealt with anxiety and problems eating as a result of a choking incident when she was very young. We got through all of that but I think I overcompensated for all the things that she didn't have such as her father being in her life. Anyway when she ran away and decided to come back the next day I told her to pack a bag. She thought I was taking her to stay at one of my friend's home but instead I drove her to our local police dept and explained what happened and let them know that I needed a referral to a local group home for girls. I had already looked up the place and talked to them about the services they provide and knew this was what I needed. They were able to get my daughter in and I took her there and checked her in for what would have been 1 week. She stayed for 5 days before I let her come home after we met with a counselor. My daughter needed to learn that I am the one person in her life who has been there for her 100% of the time since the day she was born and if anyone deserves respect it is me. She needed to see how priviledged she really is and also if she is to function in the real world as an adult she has to learn respect right now. When I brought her home she got her room cleaned up and is maintaining it and has not given me any attitude at all. We will do counseling so that we can continue to make things better. Again, this may have been extreme but I made sure she was at a safe place and the point definitely got across.

4 moms found this helpful

Consider not only books about parenting but studying some passages of scripture, God's Word about the parental relationship as well as anger and forgiveness.

Colossians 3:20 "Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord."
Colossians 3:21 "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged."

Any person truly concerned about how God looks at their life (not by works do we have salvation Ephesians 2:7) but should desire that their life be well pleasing unto the Lord. This verse explains what God expects out of children and what makes him pleased and it is obedience to parental authority. No matter how her friends may look at it, if she is well-pleasing in God's sight then truly that's all that matters.

Not forgetting though that in the next verse it allows that (and she needs to know) parents also have a responsibility to raise their children in a right way. Hebrews 13:17 says, "Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you." This verse also points out the responsibility of authority is not just for fun, it's a duty God has distributed and along with that duty comes an accounting. One day there will be an accounting on how we raised our children, and it's not wrong to point that out to her. "These rules are for this purpose of protecting you because it is right according to the standards of the Bible. Your life is important to me and although you might not understand everything that is happening, I do care about you and want to help you."

So what would happen to the person that rebels against authority and causes grief in the lives of those they should be under? The verse does not say completely but it does suggest undesirable consequences, "for that is unprofitable for you."

So back to Colossians 3:21 - "lest they be discouraged." You have to present what would happen if you knowingly or unknowingly and perhaps did handle the responsibility of authority inappropriately and did discourage her. What should she do in that case? Ephesians 4 (paraphrasing) "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath, neither give place to the devil..." When our day is ended in anger and not resolving the issue, even with our parents, it allows us to be open to giving place to the devil for bitterness, anger, wrath, etc. as it goes on down the chapter to say also grieving the Holy Spirit of God (which is a whole other study by itself). Teens need to know that parents faults stick out like stars on a dark night, but it's not okay to just bottle up their offenses or anger. They can learn and young adults how to properly handle it without anger management, and that's by taking care of the issue on that day. You can also be sure to not end a day in a bad way for this very reason of protecting the relationship.

How is the problem resolved? Ephesians 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." It's saying "I don't like how this was handled but I know that God the Father forgave me for His Son's sake when I was unforgiveable, so I choose to forgive you also." And what if it keeps coming up and they keep handling the authority in a wrong manner? How many times did Christ instruct Peter to forgive when someone asked him for forgiveness over and over again?

She must realize that although diabetic her body was created for God's glory (Revelation 4:11) and that it is, if she has accepted Christ as her Savior, the temple of the Holy Ghost (Romans 12:1,2). The principle of sowing and reaping also goes along with the health of our body, if we do not put good things in then we reap bad health, if we do not take care of it properly then what should we expect other than undesirable consequences? But furthermore that if we sow good seeds of eating right things, taking our insulin, not sneaking candy & carbs, then we will reap the benefits of a healthy life for a long time to come. "Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God." I Corinthians 10:31.

My purpose wasn't to preach, only to prove that answers can be sought primarily in the Bible because there is nothing new under the sun as Ecclesiastes says. I just wrote many of these same verses out for my younger sister because she and my mom had a hard week a few weeks ago. The outward reactions of the attitude are a reaction of the heart, don't forget to teach and address her heart.

And I leave you with a quote by Abraham Lincoln that has helped me deal with others tremendously and I think it would apply to the teen-parent relationship as well. "He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help."

4 moms found this helpful

Blessing to you and your daughter. I'm a bit late but just reading your cry for help! I'm not at the teenage years just yet but I have worked with youth for over 15 years. You both have so many challenges and I'm praying for you and your daughter. At this momemnt I can reconmend reading (5 Conversations you must have with your daughter) by Vivki Courtney, Boundaries with Kids Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend or Mom, I Hate My Life: Becoming Your Daughter's Ally Through the Emotional Ups and Downs of Adolescence
By: Sharon A. Hersh. Just some suggestions. Keep the faith and always give your uncondiontal love no matter what. Don't give up! Be encouraged.


4 moms found this helpful

Just one more thought I wanted to add to all the great advice you got already (I have 4 year olds and a 2 year old, so I'm making notes for myself for down the road!). I don't know what you meant by "always been a handful," but I wanted to share my experience with parents who wouldn't let go and treat me like an adult until I moved 1000 miles away. I am the typical high-achieving, follow-the-rules, buy-into-the-system type first-born child. Spirited, bossy big sister, argue with every point my parents tried to make, yes, but ultimately complied. No drugs, no teenage pregnancy, no skipping school, no breaking curfew. I had part-time jobs from the time I was 15 to pay for clothes, extracurriculars and anything extra I wanted do, and I was solely responsible for paying for college. I did have it good because they kept a car for my use, fed me, housed me without rent, etc. Anyway, I just felt like they needed a little perspective sometimes. When we could have World War III over a tone of voice or which Baptist church I was going to this week, I felt completely disrespected and given no credit for all the good choices I was making. Clearly they felt disrespected, too; I do know this, but everybody reacting that way doesn't help! Something I read recently about this age-group was "We can't expect more from our young adults than we expect from ourselves." I don't think my parents really thought this way when they were nitpicking because they weren't really ready to start letting go and treating me like an adult.

I hope this didn't seem too harsh from the teenage perspective -- I speak in humility and trepidation for getting my own daughter through these days in about 13 years! I just encourage you to look for the positive as well, for any place that you can give her credit for things even in the midst of what feels like a war. Best of luck! And, by the way, my parents and I get along great now. They are great in-laws and grandparents who are always welcome in our home, and I love to take my family to visit them as well. V.

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