Need Help with Teenage Daughter

Hi Sondra, I highly suggest a book by Dr. Kevin Leman, Have A New Kid By Friday, this book really works. I am not finished with it yet and it is working with my kids so far.

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Pray Pray Pray for her.
Out loud. In her room. Over her while she sleeps. Outside her room. In your room. Throughout your home. Pray Pray Pray.
And ask others, who know and love her to pray for her as well.
Pray with her, after a fight.
Ask for forgiveness when you are wrong.
Pray over her items. Cry out to the Lord for her.
Soon she will be out of your home.
Sit down with her and listen and do your best to ONLY listen. Active Listen. Even if she makes hateful statements, just listen and acknowledge how she feels. Listen some more and pray pray pray for her and with her.
Spend quality time with her.

She is testing you and crying out for something she needs.
Most likely it's your undivided attention and affirmation.

Blessings on your journey.

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At 17 the best way to deal with this is not really grounding or punishments you would give a 13yr old. At 17 she is nearly an adult so talking to like she is an adult would be the best bet. How would you tell a friend of yours that what she is doing or how she is treating you makes you feel? THAT is how I would approach this with a 17 year old. I bet part of the reason she acts the way she does is because she is tired of being treated like a younger child and she is acting out in the only way she knows how to express her feelings too. I think if you sit down and have an adult conversation with her and tell her you how she has been acting hurts your feelings and you are worried about why she is acting that way, that you will get a better response than grounding. She has probably been overwhelmed with the protective nature of your household due to her diabetes. She probably just wants to be allowed to care for herself without intervention more. Ask her these things. If you have never talked with her like this before she may not respond well or respond at all but give her a few days and approach it again and ask if she has anything she wants to talk about. You might be surprizes with what she has to say.

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Hi Sondra: I went through a similar faze growing up. For entirely different reasons, however, she probably feels a little trapped. I can't imagine going through so much at such a young age, with diabetes and everthing. For me, I had a boyfriend, he lived here with his dad part of the time and then with his mom in Georgia part of the time. I live in Tulsa, OK. We are now happily married - 8 years now- and have two beautiful children. But, when he had to leave to go to Geargia, he was gone for a year, I was crushed. My mom - God Bless her, never asked me to talk about it. She was never nosey about my feelings. However, she gave me more freedom and let up on me. She treated me as an adult, included me in her decision making, allowing me to make my own decisions. I remember calling her from school, for no reason imparticular, and telling her I wanted to go home. I had never done that before, but she called in and requested that I be let go. She never asked any questions, never judged, never even brought it up. It wasn't because she didn't care - believe me - she did. But, there comes a time when a parent has to make a transition and begin treating a child - 17 isn't really a child any more - but start including her as though she is an adult, with love, compassion, and guidance. I think you will begin to gain her respect. Good Luck !

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Quick suggestion...this works for me when I get my mini road rage attitudes! Ask her how she would speak to you if she could picture you as one of her best friends parents. Or someone she looks up to outside of the family. Sometimes, this can put some perspective on the lashing out. I know that any good kid (almost adult!) has empathy and if she thinks about you as a person and not as a mom, maybe she will reconsider her actions and words. She is too young to fully grasp the fact that family are truly the only people that will be around for her in the worst of life's problems.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

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Sondra,

I have two daughters, one is now 27 and the other is 22. I went through the attitude stage with both my girls. I learned each girl was different. I tried at first the grounding and taking "things" away. I then stopped and would listen to them and ask why they are doing what they are doing. I would then ask them what they felt their punishment should be and let them know I would come back in a few minutes with their answer and to my surprise they would give themselves a harsher punishment than I would have. In all of this I had to always remember I am the adult in the situation my child is still a child and needs rules, but room to grow and they also need choices and I have always given my children choices - their choices, and if they choose to make the wrong choice, they will have to live with the consequence. It worked for our family and my son too who is now 20. It was very stressful at times, and with my husband in the military and gone most of their teen years and only myself as the parent I prayed, but was very consistent. I hope this helps.

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Hi Sondra,
I do not have a 17 yr old, and I do not have a daughter, but I do have a nearly 15 yr old son. So I won't begin to compare apple and oranges. Just remember the age.. 17!! Don't you remember being 17? Man, those were the days right? However evenso, they were also trying times as a teenager, or at least they were for me. Lots of things were happening, lots of things going on. Its just part of being a teenager. I remember giving my parents H***. Its just part of a teenagers job. This response was a light hearted one to say the least, and it was very well intended to be. Sometimes we have to stop worrying about the small stuff. She's a teenager. Just keep up what you're doing, be consistant with the pumishment. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. ;) Hug your daughter and be very thankful that you have her bitter lil self in your life, because it could be alot worse.
Bless you and your daughter, and I pray things get the way you want them.
D.

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Hi Sondra,
I totally agree with Cynthia. Our teens' lives are so different than ours were, it's almost like living in another world. Very hard for us to understand. But in my opinion, and I offer this kindly, you need to let go of her a bit more. In another year she will be able to do whatever she wants. Oh, how I remember 17!!! And the awful fear that came with 18, when I realized that now, I really COULD be on my own--if my parents wanted to let it be that way! I think Cynthia has some wonderful ideas--sit down with her and talk to her as an adult--I know it's hard to think of our kids that way, but we have to do it. Maybe it was easier with your son since he was the older one and a boy. But this may be a part of her resentment, too, that you treat him differently because he is older. (Yes, I am the youngest in my family, and it's hard! Sometimes harder than being the oldest!) My daughter is 22 and we had a really rough time when she was 17 or so. But it DID pass, and everything smoothed out just fine. My son is 19 and we are still having a few rough patches. I always try to remember how I felt when I was 17, or 18 or whatever age they are at the time. IT HELPS. Congratulations on your 25 years of marriage! I hope this helps. You aren't alone--I think lots of times girls conflict with their moms at this age very heavily. But I do think you need to treat her in a more adult way--do away with these punishments and such. At this point, they aren't constructive at all. Let her see you as a PERSON rather than as a PARENT. It's okay to tell her that she has hurt you, and it's okay to let her see you cry, even. Sometimes, that will bring it home to your kids--that you have feelings, too, and that you aren't perfect, either.
C.

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WOW, you have already received great input from the other 4 folks. The book does work, my son is using the principals in his home and says it works. I agree that if you're still treating her like she is 12 then you need to change that and talking on an adult level is a wonderful idea. But if those things don't work and quickly then you use them in combination with things like taking the tags off of her car. that's something we would have done. You have to figure out what is important enough to her to change her behavor. You just keep on till you find it, everyone has that "one thing" that gets their attention. I know it's very tiring, physically and emotionally but i promise AFTER she's out on her own, she'll realize that there was purpose in the things that you did and some day will thank you. Good Luck, you're on the right track. R.

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Sondra,
I don't know your Christian experience, but prayer was my number one tool. Lifting my daughter continually in prayer, put the problem in the hands of the problem solver. The Lord loves you and your family and would empty heaven of every angel to come to your aide. Pray for guidance, and you may be directed to seek anger management counseling for her. I'm sure you practice unconditional love. While not condoning her behavior, you love her inspite of it. It sounds as though she's dealing with a lot of stuff on a personal level, and needs help working through it. The Lord will show you what to do. Give her to Him. It may not happen overnight, but He'll give you your daughter back better than you could ever imagine. I know, because that's what He did for me.

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I know what you are going through my 18 year old is the same way not a bad child just showing me disrepect. Only thing is she is in college. I asked her what her deal was and she said She didn't like being told what to do. I then told her to get a job and pay for her car and college. And her disrepect changed for the moment. Stop paying for everything let her see what you do for her and try talking with her and not at her and listen to her. Let her be in on some of the decision of punishnent you might be surprised

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try to find a counceler that specializes with kids and teens. mallory is probabally going through alot of pure pressure and may be she also needs to see her own dr. cause her diabetic meds may need ajusted. also teens do get hugh attitudes cause they believe they are so grown. during the summer, request her to get a p/t job and help out with food and help around the house. try to set up one on one with her by you and her spending time together and her dad and her spending alone time and all three of you. set up dates to do this a couple of times a month. try not to push to get her to talk cause it wont work. good luck and bless you.

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We have an 18 yr. old and it is so hard to know how to discipline a kid/nearly young adult. I graduated from high school when I was 17 and was working full time by that age. Ask her to sit down and just hear what you have to say. Tell her that you will treat her the same as she treats you. WE ALL have consequences for our behavior and others treat us accordingly. Tell her that if she wants to be treated well, it's simple, treat mom and dad well. If she wants to be treated with respect, mom and dad get treated with respect too. None of us want to argue with the kids. Remind her of that and that it is now up to her to help set the tone in the house. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully it will be new and good beginning. Oh, by the way, I was a terrible/rude/hateful 16-17 yr. old but it stopped about as quickly as it started. My mother and I must talk 3-5 times a day. We just shake our heads about those "monster" times! She tried to ignore my nastiness as much as she could to help the situation not heighten. Thankgoodness for that! Good luck and pray for those days to pass quickly for her too!!

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It's normal for kids to start pulling away from parents and wanting to make their own decisions at that age, but she still needs to follow the rules in your house.
I made it clear to my daughter that she didn't have to be happy about it, or even pretend to be happy about it, but she was still required to do certain things as long as she lived in our house.
As long as she got done what she needed to do, I didn't care if she griped about it.
If she didn't get it done, she lost phone, internet, and going out privileges. I even took the tags off her car a couple of times. She got the message.

It DOES get better, and they DO grow out of it.
After she moved out and had to do EVERYTHING for herself, she realized that her workload at our house had been easy by comparison. Now when she comes to visit, she OFFERS to help with whatever I'm doing at the time.

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I think she needs Church with a good youth group that helped my 15 year old get steady. She never has desrepescted us and has always been honest. Jesus plays a big part in settleling these nerves teenagers have when they get bored,they seem to lash-out at who they love tha' most give her flowers for Valentines even if she don't deserve them but 'cuause you really love her I am a diabetic and diabetic can get depressed after awhile after being one for so long check into it K.

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