Need Help with Sister in Law and Newborn

Dear C.,
I do not mean to sound harsh... so just read this as a straight to the point view as well as that of a licensed social worker.

Your sis in law is doing nothing wrong. AND I do mean NOTHING wrong... she is just doing things different from you. And while your brother and you and your parnets agree on one way.... it does not make her different way wrong....it is just different. Keep in mind that your family should have similiar views as you were all rasied together. As for the sis in law.... she has every right to lavish her child with as much attention as she desires. And just because you feel she will become resentful... DOES NOT mean she will.

Alot of what you are complaining about is nothing more than your opinion, feelings and what ifs...

So what if her baby died tomorrow... i bet she would feel as though she was the best mom to him/her ever. There is no need to what if... life is not in the what ifs.

So to quickly give feedback....
"she is 19...you are 25 with a 9 mo old"
Why is this important... i know alot of great 16 year old moms and some awful 30 yr old ones... i know great first moms and lots of bad 3rd timers... and while you are more experienced than her with your already having a child... you do not know everything. don't forget that every pregnancy is different for every women and even the same woman.... and that goes for children too!

"unusual situation" feeding both by breast and bottle...
this is not unusal at all. most women these days want to breast feed and they do, and at least half of them either feel they need to supplement to give their baby a full tummy or just to have a visual aid as to how much the baby is really getting. Her feeding style is not neglectful or abusive... and unless she is asking for your advice... you really need to keep it yourself.

"no child classes, no reading" .... oh my... those books are not the how to raise a baby and the only way to learn... they are helpful to people who feel insecure or what to know more... but obviously she delivered her baby without a childbirth class and i am sure she can raise the child without a book. What do you think people in 3rd world countires do, or what do you think people did 100s of years ago? Just so you know.. you can read all the text books you want and they will never tell you how to raise a child. The best way is with warmth, love, care and concern.

"cosleeps and sleeps on tummy"
cosleeping is a private choice and is NOT dangerous. This needs to be decided by the parents....as obviously some of us have harder sleep patterns and would not wake for a baby... but some of us are okay with cosleeping. This is not abusive or neglectful again and is really none of you or your family's business. As for him tummy sleeping.... again not your concern. i do realize that currently the standard is to sleep on the back... but mind you that changes every few years and so either is a personal choice.

"never let's him down or cry".... again her parenting style and while it may be lavishing.. it is not detrimental to the child... she is just super loving and wants to comfort her baby. as for her not eating... i am sure she will soon as she will get weak if she does not... (this is about the only place you can offer advice to her... and just mention that you are concerned about her getting something to eat as she needs the food for energy to care for her baby but also to keep her milk production and flow good.)

So the last thing is the help you requested... if you want to help your family... then you will all get better boundaries and learn what is and is not your business as she is not endangering her child's life in anyway. And then to help your poor brother out.. you and your parents need to back off. how he and his wife raise their child as long as it is not abusive nor neglectful is none of anyone else's (including you and the family) business. And if your brother feels strongly about it then he can seek marital counsleing with his wife... then make sure to tell him that he needs to complain to the counselor not you. and also keep your feelings about his marriage and child rearing quiet. soon you will all have better boundaries and eventually your sis in law will feel less bombarded by you all. if not then you are harming your brother...as soon his wife is going to get fed up with the unsolicated advice giving and intrusive in laws. And that will not be good for the baby you are so worried about.
In short just mellow out and let them be. She will do what is best for her family as I presume you are doing for yours... and again there is not a RIGHT way.... just good and different.
If this still bothers you... please seek counseling or try the book: "Boundaries, when you end and I begin." It is more geared towards codependent adults but I think your family could use some idea of healthier boundaries.
God Bless,
MB

3 moms found this helpful

I'm 31, an educated woman, and I have a 5 month old son as well as a 2yo. When each was born, I held him almost all the time - its called bonding. (Daddy and others got to take turns) I never let him cry - when he did his diaper got changed, or he got a boob. Newborn babies don't cry for the heck of it. Something is bothering them, and crying is their only method of communication. Remember back to when you were a new mom - and how the sound of your crying infant bothered you - it was a sound that shattered all thoughts in your head. We co slept (and still do) Its all called being a MOTHER. There are many different philosophies on parenting, and just because she does things differently than you do, doesn't mean she is doing something wrong or being a bad mother. Sounds like she is trying to follow her instinct, and is probably tired of everyone else telling her to go against her gut and do what they say. When your children were born, I'm sure you got tons of advice, and that you took some, and ignored what didn't feel right to you. Instead of criticizing, why not try and help? If she hasn't eaten, don't tell her she must put the baby down, insted make her something to eat that she can hold easily while caring for her baby. Encourage her efforts to breastfeed, its best for the baby. See if there is a lactation consultant nearby she can visit to help with any problems she might be having, and the LC could help her learn to nurse side-lying so she can get rest with baby snuggled to her side instead of face down - that is the one and only thing that would concern me. Co sleeping can be done safely and responsibly, and perhaps if she heard how to do it safely from someone who wants to encourage her, instead of her family who is constantly criticizing her efforts, she might be more receptive to learning what is safe and what is not.
I know you are trying your best to help, but let her be the mother - no matter whether you feel she is ready or not, she is now a mom.
Blessings on your family's new bundle of joy!

2 moms found this helpful

Hi, there,

I'm writing this quickly before my baby wakes up from her nap! SOrry if it is a little scattered.

I understand that it can be hard when someone is doing things so differently than you do, and thinking it is unsafe for a vulnerable little baby!

Let me reassure you, though. There is actually a lot of literature out there for how to safely sleep with one's baby. It's actually very safe, especially when done properly. Not only that, but it is very good for bonding, and for the baby's development. What you can do is encourage the good things your sister-in-law is doing, and give her information that helps her to do the things she does in the best possible way.

There is also a very widely respected school of thought that responding sensitively and immediately to baby's cries is very good for developing strong communication between parents and children. The cry-it-out approach, in this school of thought, is considered not only traumatic for the baby, but unnatural, and breaks down communication and makes discipline difficult later. I'm sure that loving parents have used it as part of an overall very caring approach to their children, and their children have been okay, in spite of this unfortunately well-marketed advice, but it is a tradition best left in the past.

The baby sleeping on his stomach isn't as dangerous as you think. It DOES increase the risk of SIDS, but it is only one factor in many. Sleeping with his mother reduces the SIDS risk because she is in effect acting as a respiratory pacemaker for him. The risk that she will smother him is almost non-existent. Mothers are very in-tune with their infants and don't roll over them unless they're drugged, have been drinking, or are extremely sleep-deprived.

WHat you can do, though, is encourage your SIL to put her son to sleep on his side. I think hwat she is intuiting is that babies experience a falling sensation because lying flat on their backs is so foreign to them, and by comparison to being upside-down and snugly-fit in the womb, flat and stretched out on their backs feels like falling. Putting him on his side is a safer and more comfortable compromise. Gently stretching out his bottom arm helps keep him from rolling over onto his stomach.

Speaking of the mother's health, she probably hasn't eaten in 2 days because she is so overwhelmed with caring for her baby! You can really score points and gain entry to her thought process by showing her some kindness. Make her some of her favorite, healthy food and offer it to her in a women-bonding type of way. Sit down and ask her how she's doing. Listen. That is a great way to get her to listen to YOU.

You do want to gently encourage her to breastfeed exclusively. Bottle feeding mixed in with breastfeeding severely undermines milk supply and can confuse the baby. Bottle feeding's also easier for the baby than breastfeeding, which takes a little muscle (and is therefore better or the baby).

As for developing negative feelings toward the baby: at first, the attachment parenting approach DOES take a lot of involvement. But that's how parenting goes. In the attachment approach, which is what your sister-in-law is more or less following (but needs more information about), the time/energy/attention commitment is invested earlier, and pays off later as the child is growing up feeling very secure in his parents' love, and becomes more independent, less clingy and better disciplined.

DO show sympathy for the hard work that parenting takes, and make sure that your brother is giving her breaks. Make sure to encourage him to be very involved: changing clothes and diapers, and helping with baths. Make sure that he is helping with food and keeping the house in order.

In the beginning, for all of us, of course parenting is very hard and overwhelming. It is hard to watch, and she will make her mistakes, but your SIL, being so close with her baby, has been learning about his needs at tremendous rates. Tell her that you think it's wonderful that she is being so caring and attentive to her baby's needs. We can all agree on that, and it's a great starting point to introducing some advice. But be willing to see that different parenting styles also have their merits! And she will more or less do best, for her baby, by following the ways that seem most natural to her, just as you have more or less done best, for your son, by doing what felt best to you.

So, again, what you can do is encourage your sister-in-law to learn *how* to respond to her son's cues, since, after all, it's not only hunger that will make him cry. (Gas is a big one, of course! Teach her the lubricated-thermometer-in-the-bum trick to relieve his pain.) You can also tell her that crying is a late feeding cue. Teach your sister-in-law about rooting behaviors that signal hungry before the baby gets frantic.

If it were me in your situation, I'd buy a cheap used copy of Dr. Sears' Attachment Parenting Book, and his Baby Book, on amazon.com. Dr. Sears is an extremely experienced and well-respected pediatrician, with 8 happy, healthy, successful children of his own! It sounds like your SIL WOULD listen to his advice, especially if you introduce it as information that really supports the natural instincts that your SIL is so brilliantly following on her own (the best way to reach your SIL is by showing her your respect for her obvious intense desire to care for her son instinctively, and not to knock the mistakes). Dr. Sears just fills in some of the gaps with his medical knowledge. Tell her that all of us mothers have our instincts, but there are just some things that instincts are a little vague on. Like that fantastic thermometer trick!!!

L.

PS about her staying in the house: some moms want to get out. Others LOVE their nest. I pretty much didn't get out beyond trips to the dr. for 2 months (still really don't get out much!), and i don't resent my baby. Your SIL is doing it her way. 10 days after birth, it's very normal to just want to be snug with baby. This could last a while, but don't put stress on her. *That* would be the emotionally unhealthy thing for her. Staying in holding and bonding with her baby is a good thing!

1 mom found this helpful

She sounds like a wonderful young mother! I didn't bottlefeed my babies, but when they were that tiny I held them all the time, breastfed on demand, ate when I could, and slept with them in my bed - and I was a 26 year old first time mom with years of baby care experience with no resentment for the time and attention my babies needed. She's putting her baby's needs first and that is less common in a teenage mom. Breastfeeding made me hungry early on, and she is probably eating more than you realize. Honestly, I'm a bit curious about how you care for your baby since you see so much wrong with your sil that does so much right. She should be admired and supported.

1 mom found this helpful

I was 19 when I had my first baby and didn't take any childbirth or parenting classes. I also co-slept with both of my kids, and rarely put them down. My first daughter had colic really bad, so if I wasn't holding her she was screaming her head off. Trying to eat was so difficult. I had to learn to eat with one hand so I could be holding or breastfeeding the baby, and try to eat. If I didn't learn how to do that I would have never eaten! Maybe her son has colic. And she might just be the kind of girl who likes holding her child a lot. I think it all depends on your personality.

Both of my girls were held a lot and breastfed on demand. So if they cried, they were changed and fed. I also found co-sleeping enjoyable for the baby and I. They slept better than if I tried laying them down, and I was able to nurse and be comfortable at night. I was in my last year of college with my first so sleep was hard to come by.
You say she never took any parenting classes or birthing classes, but maybe she has researched on line. Or browsed through books at the library or store without bringing any home. I think you should give her a little more credit. It sounds like she is very concerned for her baby and wants to make sure he is happy and feels loved.
The greatest help would be to stop adding suggestions. Especially if they are coming from your brother. My in-laws used to do that to me ALL the time and it really annoyed and hurt me. Making meals that can easily be eaten while hold a baby would be a great help. Or even just purchasing healthy snacks for her to eat. I used to always have food by me over on the couch so I could snack while feeding the baby. Maybe suggest that she eats even while feeding her baby. Offering to hold the baby so she can cook dinner or shower.
I don't know the whole situation, so she might have a little depression or maybe not. I didn't with either one of my girls, so it's not uncommon for people not to be depressed. She might also be secluding herself since it sounds like she is constantly being bombarded with questions from you family. It may be making her uncomfortable, especially if you have said she is endangering the baby. I hope everything works out for your family! Have a great weekend!

hello! reading this is something. young like u say and don't know. I say let her find out the hard way. and she will trust me. She will need help one day and the crying will get all over her, she will call upon family then. the baby in bed is a bad thing all the time, she will have hard time training this child when she really wants too. I see she is overprotected and she and the dad must have had rounds and she is tryn so hard to love his baby. I hope one day she'll wake up and smell the flowers. all is well take c.

What Liev said :)

It sounds like she needs a baby carrier so she can do things (like eat!) while still holding her baby. http://www.thebabywearer.com/ can be overwhelming to browse but their forums are wonderful.

I had a baby who had to sleep on her stomach. The alternative was her waking up screaming every 45 minutes. It really is OK.

I am married, with a 12yr old and an almost 18 yr old. Over the years, after hearing from the 1st child being born, to the second one (born in another state) what "everyone thought I should be doing" as a new mom, I have learned there is no "perfect" way to raise a child. Every decision from breastfeeding, to crying, to picking out schools is simply trial and error. Letting your new, yet young and inexperienced sister make mistakes is the only way she can learn to be the best mom she can be for this wonderful gift god has chosen for her. Unfortunately, telling her what she is doing wrong in her will probably push her further away. Soon enough she will discover 3 in the bed is too many, and simple "my time" when the baby is napping is a joy. But it will have to be her decision ....... afterall, we can only do the best we know how. Every mom makes mistakes, and no one is the "perfect" mom, and many of us would surely change some things we did....... let her enjoy the baby the best way she knows how. She will learn her own "routine" in due time.

We have had six children. Three graduated college, one is in post graduate research (ultra fast lasers and such). Our three younger ones plan on college, play volleyball, sing in chorus and do well in school. The children are well adjusted and by most measures successfull even though they were ALL breast fed "on demand".

How odd? The signals that you seem to think are alarming are how we raised our children. Our children have survived many dangers. They have climbed mountains, done wilderness trails for days at time, rafted rough waters, breast fed on demand and laid on the tummy as infants from time to time.

Glad you are so concerned about another mother's child. You may want to wait until you are asked to dispense advice to others? You and your loving fiancee can talk about the importance of avoiding danger that other parents accept? Just a thought.

Tree

Thankgoodness she has your family to live with in this situation. The only thing ya'll can do is watch the situation and only step in if you see harm occuring to the baby. We've all been 1st time moms and we all try out best to do what we think is good for the newborn. Some are better at this than others and have learned about childcare from their family. Others are not so good and it's all learn-as-you-go. That sounds like her situation. Be supportive to her and monitor the situation closely.

C.

I know that you are concerned about your sister-in-law and her baby. But it is her baby as long as she is happy and the baby is happy lay off. Some people need to learn for themselves the right and wrong ways, and just because you are older does not mean that you are right. So just watch and help her do what she will let you all do. Enjoy the baby they do not stay babies for long.

agree with everything liev said...

Ok, so I was thinking that it sounds like your sister-in-law is rebelling to any suggestions your family is giving. My thought was that in order to have your sister-in-law respect and value your opinion, you might want to tone it down a little and start making comments on the things she is doing right. If she starts to think that you are respecting her as a mother, she will hopefully start to listen to your suggestions. I know when I was a new Mom (over 6 years ago!), I was very excited. I'm sure she just wants to bond with her baby and after she feels that she has accomplished this to her satisfaction, she will start to allow her baby to become more independent. And I know you don't want to hear this, but all three of my babies slept on their bellies. Yes, I realize this is very dangerous, but it was literally the only way they would sleep. I did read where if you have a fan on (we had a ceiling fan), this reduces the risk of SIDS tremendously for babies that do sleep on their bellies. Oh, and Babies R Us has a divider-like baby bed that is placed in a regular bed so that there is a barrier in the bed. Maybe if you meet her half way, she'll start coming around to other suggestions. Anyway, I hope this helps in some small way! ;0)

First of all she is not doing anything wrong and I hope you are not telling her that she is. Lots of women breast and bottle feed their babies and some babies sleep better on their stomachs (I can hear the gasps now), we slept on our stomachs and we are all ok.
I had my first child at 19... I did not read any books or take any classes (personally I think that stuff is all over rated) most women do have a natural instinct on how to take care of their children. I held my daughter most of the time and she slept with my husband and I and she was breast fed (she wouldn't take a bottle). I did not like for her to cry so if she didn't need her diaper changed I would hold her or feed her. She was not on a schedule she was fed on demand as where the rest of my kids all 5 of them. All of my kids are happy and healthy and my oldest is now 20... One of the things that I hated the most was when everyone and their brother tried to give me advice on how to raise my children no matter how nice they were about it, I would listen but I would continue to do it the way I wanted to! I do not think she will end up having negative feelings about him but it sounds like she is getting a bunch of negativity from all of you. Has anyone asked her why she holds him all the time? Does she let anyone else hold him? You didn't say anything about your sister-in-laws family... are they involved in her life?
All of my children were held a lot when they were newborns up until they were at least a month old and when I say a lot I mean they were held usually all day long unless I was cooking or using the restroom and I was told that they would be clingy... they are not clingy and they are all very independent... My daughter trains horses, my oldest son works with his dad and does martial arts, my 17 year old son is a bull rider and my 14 & 12 year old sons are very active too.
Give your sister-in-law some space... she will eventually realize that her son doesn't need to be held all the time but this may take some time and if you do give her some space (meaning lay off the advice) she may eventually ask for your advice.
One of the best things you can do for your sister-in-law and your nephew is pray protection over them. I would also ask your brother to hold his son so his wife/girlfriend can take a long hot bath even if he has to sit in the bathroom with her so she can see that their son is ok.
I could go on and on about this but I wont, but I do sympathize with your sister-in-law because I too had to live with my in-laws for awhile after our last son was born and even though I had already had 4 children my mother-in-law was always trying to give me advice.

Have a Great Day :)
S.

It's hard to know exactly what is going on. I agree with the others that attachment parenting can be wonderful; if she wants to be responsive to the baby (responding immediately when he cries and so on), then that is a good start because it is clear that she cares. If she doesn't want to put the baby down, even to eat, then she needs advice on how she can take care of herself and take care of the baby combined with reassurance that the baby needs her to take good care of herself.

Is she getting depressed? Is there anyone that she will talk with? It sounds like she needs support and people to talk with but may feel that everyone just disagrees with her; maybe there are other ways to approach her that might make her more willing to talk. If she is genuinely depressed, then maybe someone can get her to talk with a doctor as quickly as possible because it could become serious.

It can be safe to have a baby cosleep, but it's important to do it safely. Dr. James McKenna has a lot of information on his website (http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/). There is a big difference between a breastfeeding mother who is very responsive to her baby throughout the night and a mother who is unresponsive. From your message, it's hard to tell whether it's a safe situation or not - but she might want the information from Dr. McKenna's site (or from Dr. Sears' Sleep Book).

More than anything, I'm sure it matters to her to know that people care. If you approach her in a caring way, open to attachment parenting, and she still seems to be doing things that are unsafe or seems to be depressed, then you may end up in a situation where you have no choice but to speak with her pediatrician, doctor, or even social services. However, it sounds to me as though she may be doing attachment parenting (even without realizing what it is) and that could be a very positive thing; try reading about it and see what you think. She might find a gift of some of Dr. Sears' books very helpful and supportive, and it might open ways to talk.

Best wishes,
A.

This girls needs help immediatly.

There is no doubt she is depressed and only god knows what can happen.

Get her to a mental doctor immediately.

A similar thing happen with my wife. The md we saw gave her medication that made her worst. Had i not changed doctors she would have to have shock treatment. Results could have been that she would have to be admitted to a metal institution.

Help her now, get her to the doctor!!

C.,

If you do your research you will find that this is how most newborns are cared for throughout the world. It's only in "civilized" countries that we birth our babies and basically get rid of them.

There are a growing number of people in the US that are practicing "attachment parenting". Look that up too.

I wouldn't worry about this too much unless your sister starts exhibiting signs of serious depression.

K.

take this up with her son's peditrician and her doctor -- sounds like a good case of post partnum depression and lack of knowledge for the other things....

I understand it must be difficult to watch someone parent much differently than you would choose to, especially in your home. YOu could both benefit from reading The Baby Book by Dr William Sears & Martha Sears, RN.
It is informative about the attachment parenting style, which you seem to describe a desire in your sister-in-law to parent this way. She could learn safety and health issues and have many of her own questions that she may be intimidated to ask more experienced moms but may secretly worry about on a personal level.
It will also help you to understand that co-sleeping is not really a threat to this baby unless she & her husband are under the influence of alcohol or other substances. Suffocation and SIDS are very different issues... the Sears do a wonderful job of helping parents understand the safety issues of both.
Maybe this young mom needs to be attached to her baby - at least she can be armed with information from a well respected pediatrician and father of 8... It is a huge book and goes all the way through to two years old. The chapters are laid out nicely that you can skip around when needed and 'catch up' to baby's current age/ phase.
Good luck - more than anything continue to encourage your brother and sister-in-law to keep loving this sweet new addition! Show that you are supportive by trying to understand her desire to be a different mom than the one she has...

C.,

There is nothing wrong with holding your baby all the time. Dr. Sears promotes something called attachement parenting. I did it with my third baby and I am 31 years old. Some of the things in attachement parenting are sleepsharing (same bed as mom and dad), nursing on demand and "wearing your baby" like in a baby carrier or something similiar. I never have regret holding her all the time or never letting her cry. She is a wonderful little 4 year old now and one of the joys of my life.

The more you try to tell her she is doing something wrong, the more she is going to do the opposite and tune you out. Especially being a first time mom, she is going to be extra sensitive to someone trying to tell her how to take care of the baby. (even though I'm sure you have good intentions)

Maybe show her the Dr. Sears website, because there are certain rules about sleepsharing that need to be followed so the baby doesn't get smothered or hurt. It sounds like she is going for the attachement parenting style even if she doesn't know what it is. Try telling her she is a good mom and let her know you will be there for her if she needs anything. Maybe this will give her a boost of encouragement.

I had my first baby when I was 19. It's hard being a young mom, and I am sure I didn't do everything perfect. But my oldest is 11 and still alive! :)

I hope this helps!! :)

I seems to me that she sounds like a very good mother. There are much much worse things that she could do to harm her child than holding him all day long. It sounds like she wants the best for her child. She may be inexperienced but she will learn over time how to be the best mother she can be. I would just let her know that you are always there for her if she needs support. Not pushing but support. Support when she feels like all she does is hold him and she is tired of not being able to shower and such.

I'm glad you are concerned, but from your post there seems to be no need. Breast feeding with bottle is not an unusual situation. Stomach sleeping for infants was until recently not considered unsafe. Studies show it "might" contribute to SIDS. IF we knew what caused SIDS there would be no more cases of it. If a child has GERD (reflux) pediatric pulmonologists usually suggest infants sleep on their stomachs. Co-sleeping is the norm all over the world. Most mothers do not "allow" 10 day old babies to cry, it's called attachement parenting. Most moms don't feel like doing much but staying at home and takeing care of their babies and themselves. How is the baby endangered? Ask Dr. Sears is a wonderful online site for child/infant information. Maybe she is taking the "non-aggressive suggestions" as controlling. Suggest an online visit, or visit yourself and print some things out. Take your sister in law some wonderful things to eat and let her enjoy being a mom.
However, if there is truely cause for concern that was not posted and the child is in danger, you should contact your local child advocacy office.
Best Wishes,
S.

1) Children do need to sleep on their backs to reduce the risk of SIDS. The risk is greater when in beds with soft mattresses, pillows, and comforters the baby can get tangled in. Perhaps you could buy a bed nest for her, such as you find at Target or Babies R Us, so her infant can sleep in the bed without risking suffocation or being rolled over by an exhausted mother. Another option would be to get a co-sleeper crib, which is designed to nestle next to the bed but be a separate sleep area for the infant. The latter option would cost more but would be stand-alone and movable.

2) Your sister-in-law is damaging her health by not eating. If she's ever flown on a plane, she may remember that people who must care for others are told to put oxygen masks on themselves before putting masks on those they care for (children, the aged, or handicapped). If she gets sick, weak, and malnourished she won't have the energy to care for her child and her milk supply will likely dry up.

3) Perhaps have a book like "Baby 411" or "What to Expect the First Year" around the house or next to her bed. I kept my copy of "Baby 411" in the nursery by the rocker, and I would read through it while nursing my son or while holding him so he would sleep. Perhaps if she can read a book that will cover every conceivable baby issue, that might give her something to think about, besides feeling like she's being criticized by her family as a "not good enough mother."

I was very concerned about being a good mom, and you know it's a learning process and we make mistakes, but she hasn't learned this yet. Perhaps she's so worried about caring for her child properly that she considers helpful suggestions and concerned comments as hostile criticisms. Good luck in providing her and your nephew the help and support they need!

Things could be much worse here. You have a very young, unknowledable mother and your biggest concern is that she holds the baby constantly. The baby is only ten days old. I promise lost of babies have been cuddled constantly for the first few weeks or months and turned out just fine. (My mom and inlaws each take a turn visiting when I have a new baby and by the time they leave the baby is spoiled rotten, but certainly knows it is loved)

I would be much more concerned if you wrote about a 19 year old that had a baby, handed it to the nearest family member, and walked out the door to get back to her life. That woudl be much more common.

So cosleeping might not be the best, baby sleeping on the stomache might not be the best, but "endangering her life" is strong words. She's not driving down the highway breastfeeding, smoking crack while she holds him, etc...

This is a very young mother. She is going to make mistakes. You need to save your interfering for real issues - like if she starts filling his baby bottle with kool-aid next week, or decides that he really doesn't need a car seat and can just sit in her lap, etc... Instead support, support, support - offer to help out, model how you care for your 9 mo old (she'll notice and learn) and praise her for being a loving and attentive mother.