I don't have teenagers, so it is easy for me to say well i'd just do this or that, but as I have found, reality isn't so easy. In my house there are a few things we don't let go, these are disrespect, dishonesty, disobeying direct orders, temper tantrums, and aggression (hurting people or things). I have my 4&5 years olds pay fines for any infractions with their toys. Other stuff like not cleaning rooms, or leaving messes in bathroom etc.. i take privledges away. for your daughter, she sounds as though she needs help getting in touch with her family not being isolated away like she wants. I would make her pay for her infractions with good old fashion chores. In your story, which is funny as another poster stated to those not there dealing with it. When I read it, I see that your daughter is doing to you what my preschoolers try & do to me and that is make their problem my problem. So, being sick, and your daughter needing the phone of her choice, you should never been put in a position to look for or discuss where YOUR phone was. When my kids come to me with "I can't find it....." My standard comment is YOU want it, YOUR problem, let me know how it turns out. Situation over. It puts their problem back on them and they have to figure it out for themselves and in the long run prepares them for adulthood where there is nobody to take care of our problems. Yes, she will not like it. Yes, she may eye roll, but not if it costs her to have to clean all the toilets in the house. All the other stuff came up cause YOU didn't snap to and do want she wanted. Pretty much a temper tantrum cause she didn't get want she wanted when she wanted it.
When she says if you would listen to me, i would respond with "the day I listen to you and do as you say, will be the day that you are the sole provider for me and mine, as it is currently the other way around, you may go and gather all the trash and take it out for your disrespectfulness."
As to the "I didn't hear you" (this is her way of not having to be responsible, a cop out line and again making her problem, yours). I would respond with, "My job isn't to make sure you hear me, rather it is your job to make sure you hear, so speak up and ask if your not sure about the words that are coming out of my mouth." Dishes need to be done, or shower needs scrubbing, or house needs vacuuming and so that you know, I do not want this door shut. (do not explain, Alphas never explain) This isn't mean, followers by nature don't need an explanation of why, they are content to let the Alphas handle the stress of decisions and other alpha types will figure it out since they tend to make decisions quite easily on their own.
other alpha types can follow another Alpha if they respect and trust them. Since your daughter has been able to disrespect you, she doesn't see you as the Alpha but an equal and by her telling you what to do, she is trying to be the Alpha over you. So, fight fight fight day in & day out.
Chores will physically wear her out, if she is tired, she won't put up much of a fight when you discipline, and then when she is being her sweet lovable self, love her and reward her with privledges etc....
At least this is my plan A. Hope this helps since I don't have teens and can't say how well it works in reality. Looks good on paper though. LOL
Bright side, your daughter is pretty smart at finding out what works for her so she should do pretty well for herself if she can harness those brains for good & not evil. Hee Hee
Hope you feel better soon & your baby too.