Need Help with Daughter (5 Yrs) Who Lies Periodically

This has worked with my kids. I have told my children that everyone makes mistakes. But lying about it makes it worse. When you lie about it you have made two mistakes instead of one mistake.

When they do something wrong and do the following:
*Admit they made a mistake
*Say they are sorry
*Ask what they can do to correct the problem
*Correct the problem
Then they were not punished.

If they made a mistake and they lie about it. They are punished. I make my kids tell me what they think the punishment should be. If they come up with a "wimpy" punishment I say to them in the momma tone of voice, "Do you think that is a punishment that fits what you did and lying about it?" They are always tougher on themselves than I would be.

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Well, this may just be my opinion but when it comes to punishments and children, I would leave God out of it until they are fully capable of understanding God. There's nothing worse than raising a child to think that God is keeping score of their rights and wrongs or is going to 'punish' them for it. I think right now telling her it hurts your feelings and won't be tolerated should be enough.

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If you witness the act, why ask if she did it? You need to rephrase it into something more like: Why did you...?" instead of "Did you...?" Or not ask at all, just say I saw you do.... and you know that is not allowed. Now you will have time out" or whatever the appropriate punishment is. Also act overly, and I mean overly surprised/shocked and annoyed that she would do such a thing. I have been teaching preschool and kindergarten for years (besides having 2 kids at home) and this approach seems to work for me. If you are asking her did she do it, you are giving her the option to lie. Don't give that option.
Deb F
NC

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I read in a newsletter that is sent to my email that children pick up lying when they hear adults do it. It could be something as simple as a salesman calling and asking for your husband and you know he doesn't want to talk to them so you say he isn't home. If she goes to day care she may witness another kid lying like that when confronted. You never know why. I don't know what the solution is but I would just do what you are doing now and hopefully it will solve itself. Just be careful and not ever let her hear you tell a little white lie because they know.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

I would make her apologize for lying and reinforce how it is a bad thing to lie. Tell her its hard but thats what good girls do. My grandparents used to pull out a bible and read together where it says that lying is a sin (saw you said God doesn't like it) and then they would pray about it (followed by a spanking) but it helped. Especially if they pray out loud asking Jesus to forgive them for their sins. I think it teaches humility. Good luck!

D.

Hmmm....I cant think of anything to prevent future lies but when I was reading your post I thought "When they KNOW for sure she did something, dont give her the chance to lie about it" Just call her on it and let her know the behavior was unacceptable. I totally comprehend your frustration and I'm sure you dont want to label her as a liar or for her to feel like she is one. So try to limit the possibility for her to lie. I am in the middle of reading "How to talk so your kids will listen & How to listen so your kids will talk". It's helped me with a few issues I've been having with my own kids--maybe there is something in there that covers that topic? I do think, though, that is it just a stage. :)

I think you handled this beautifully. And I think you should keep handling it just the way you did. My 9 y.o. was the same way about when he did things wrong. He just didn't want to get in trouble. I finally told him that his punishment was a lot worse when I caught him in a lie than when he told me the truth. So, I'd give him the 'lying consequence' and the 'truth consequence'. For example, if he lied to me, I'd tell him he was done for the day and to go to bed, but then I told him that if he'd told me the truth, he would have had a 5 minute time out in his room instead of being sent to bed. He fussed and cried about it, but after being very consistent with this he tells the truth almost always now... Though he does like to try to blame his little sister occasionally...

I think you handled it great.
A friend of mine used to tell her son, if you lie to me, I can't help you fix whatever it is that's wrong. Always worked, he was an awesome kid.
Besides what you did, that's the only advice I can offer. You are doing a great job!

I have an 8 year old and 5 year old, and they both lie to. We have told them if they tell us the truth right away they won't get in trouble, but that doesn't seem to work. I am hoping it is a phase also. I am still trying to figure out why they lie. Good Luck!

If I can make a suggestion,first of all a child is perfectly capable of knowing whether or not something is true or false. Did she or did she not drink out of the thermometer case? The child knows the answer, it's just a question of is it worth it to reveal it. The question is, where is the example that there is value in telling the truth. Positive examples have been shown to create a much better disciplinary environment and negative time and time again. Do you lie to her? If the answer is yes, ever, then it may be time to evaluate your own priorities. Even little white lies to "protect" still show your child the value of lying.

I messed up entering my response so hopefully it wont double here, LOL.

But since you mentioned God I will go with the assumption you are a Christian. My next assumption will be that you've heard of Veggie Tales, many non-Christians have heard of them too. There is one called Larry Boy and the Fib From Outer Space http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item... It deals with what happens when we fib & how quickly it grows & gets out of control, great movie.

I agree that swift is best. You also want the punishment to fit the crime so to speak. And she also needs to understand the difference between lying & just pretending. I say that because we have always had Santa & the Tooth Fairy. When my 10yo found out the truth about THOSE, he said I had lied to him all those times, ouch! I tried to get him to see we were pretending for fun...but he asked me what the difference was, still hurt the same & that he still felt lied to. So...that was hard to get him to see INTENT, at such a young age, but starting on her now with intent of her lying may help too.

I think removing her from things she enjoys or taking away things she enjoys works well to. Going to their room often is just a ticket to play with their stuff. I wish someone would send ME to my room ever now and again, LOL. But seriously, check out that movie.

Oh one more thing, have you heard of the If Then Chart? http://www.doorposts.net/if_then.asp It is a great tool and it helps you more than your children. You simply list the offense, scripture reference, and then the punishment you & your husband have agreed on. It's put on the chart, hung on the wall, no discussion, no trying to make sure the punishment fit the crime, it's just there for you to follow as well. It's not that expensive & it works great. They also have a Blessing Chart http://www.doorposts.net/blessing.asp that would help reinforce her good behavior which often motivates a child more than the other.

Good luck dear & let us know how it's going.

We have been through this with one daughter and our other daughter is 5 now and going through it. Our experience is that it is a phase, but one that must be addressed. They are testing the waters and seeing just what is acceptable. We found that consistency in discipline was the key. We talked alot about "good choices" and "every choice has a consequence." We also talked about lying can get more punishment than telling the truth. Remember that when she does something really bad (like writing on the wall in permanent marker!) and then tells the truth! We had to work hard to show her that telling the truth was better than lying.
Also, there are some great videos out there. Our favorite was the Veggie Tales "The Fib." Good example of a little lie turning into a huge problem.
Good luck!

Your stare down shows your that you have her respect which is very very good. Your punishment to her bad behavior was good to show her you disapprove of it. Your instilling in her that you are the parent and she is the child and you know what is best for her. The only thing I would add -- look for an oppurtunity for an object lesson on choices. Good and bad that would re-emphasize her choices.
Children will always test there bounderies. I have two daughters. One turned out to be a Doctor and one a Chief but she's now working in that area. They are Christians and
wonderful adult married women. (Train up a child in the way they should go and they won't depart from it) Bible
Chris(train a child what you want before they are 13 and then listen to them as they are teenagers they will repeat what you have taught them back and you will be pleased. Love em Love em Love em. Good luck to you

Hi J.,
since you can no longer really use soap for hildren anymore because most of it is antibacterial, I give my children a teaspoon of vinegar for offenses they make with their mouth. (ie: talking back, lying...) Vinegar isn't going to hurt them and is actually good for them in the long run (especially apple cider vinegar). Don't let her drink something afterward to wash it down. Also, if she gets used to the taste of vinegar and it loses it's effect, you can also give her a taste of crushed garlic. I use this for medicinal purposes (raw garlic is very good for you), but it won't take a lot. one little taste goes a long way. Good luck!
J.

I am having the same problem right now also and I hope its a phase also. I think its stuff they get from other kids at school but Im not sure,but I can tell when my youngest is lying to me.I do the same send him to corner or to his room and to bed early doesn't seem to always work so im not sure. Well I wish you luck and if I come up with anything I will let you know.

~L. B

My oldest son and his wife have 7 children, three adopted, from an abusive home. When they first got the kids they had this problem, and did nothing, because they thought maybe the kids were just afraid. Soon all kids old enough to talk were lying about everything. So to make things fair, They made two jars, one is the consequence jar. There is 15 differnt peices of paper, some say, go to bed earily or no toys on saturday, or mop the kitchen floor on your hands and knees, there are three mercy's, for the father, son and holy spirt. Then there is the praise jar, when your child just does something they like to refer to has Christ like. i.e. help mom or sibling without being asked, comfort your upset brother or sister. there is also 15 peices of paper, like take a long bubble bath and mom will bring you, hot coco and cookies, or saturday morning, go with just you and dad to the donut shop, Or stay up a hour later then everyone else with mom and dad, or go to the movie store and pick out a family movie. Just fun stuff thats affordable. I hope this helps, my kids have been doing this for the last three years, and it has worked great. Kris

I had one of those and she is now 13 she still does it periodically. But now she knows I know when she's lying and usually gives up quick. I have raised 10 total she's my youngest and one thing I always make a point to tell them is that they should take ownership in what they do. I always make sure they understand if they lie the punishment will be worse than if they own up to it. I also when in doubt find something they really hate to do and make them do that until they feel they can tell me the truth. Get creative now that my teens are older I make them stand in a room side by side and hold a book being teenagers the one quilty usually gets enough grief from the others and gets tired of standing there and fesses up. Just keep reinforcing that lying is wrong and that even if you do something wrong you need to fess up otherwise the consequences will be worse. Hope this helps
J.

True children this age are sorting out reality. But they also know right from wrong.

My questions and ensuing lectures make it about their choices. I know they know lying hurts me, them, and God. But I make sure to focus in on the life choices they are making. I tell them that I have to know when Mommy isn't looking at them that they are going to do the right things.

Especially with the age range I'm dealing with (12 yrs down to 4 yrs).

Well, if you know she did it, don't ask her if she did it, for one. Say something like "I know you were drinking from the thermometer case, and that's not the right thing to do. Let's go find you a cup if you're thirsty". At that age kids lie because they are afraid they're going to get into trouble. Don't make it a battle and don't give her the chance to lie. Telling her it hurts God's feelings is totally abstract and means about as much to her as saying "lying hurts the polka-dotted elephant's feelings". She can't see God and isn't old enough to understand the deeper meaning there. Just be matter of fact and say "Mommy doesn't like it when you don't tell the truth. It's better to be honest so Mommy can always believe you".

I think you are right to be concerned, even though she is only 5 years old, because as parents we can never underestimate our role in shaping our children's values. In the situation you described, you punished her by sending her to bed. Great response, I agree. However, I would suggest that you try separating the punishment for each offense. For example, there should be punishment imposed for the original offense, drinking out of the empty thermometer case and then additional punishment for lying about it. This teaches her that lying about bad behavior is just as bad as engaging in the bad behavior in the first place, both punishable offenses, and helps to separate the acts in her mind.

i think what your doing is fine. telling fibs at her age is pretty common. i think i read some where that kids don't really get the concept of lying, to them they are just telling stories...it helps build there imiganation. just continue what you're doing. if you catch her in a lie, call her on it and make sure she gives the truth. let her know that lying is not acceptable and it is always best to tell the truth. tell her there are times when it is ok to make up stories, like during make believe time, but it's not ok when mommy or daddy ask her a question.

I have some advice. I would actually not punish her for lying. That might make her fear you and not want to tell you when she has done something wrong. Instead, I would encourage her to tell you, that she will not be in trouble, but you need to know to make sure she is being safe. Be sure to thank her for being honest with you, and that honesty is really appreciated. Talk to her about whatever she was doing that's not right. Ex. "thank you for telling me you were drinking out of the thermometer case. Do you think that is a good thing to drink out of? Next time, could you please choose something more appropriate for drinking?"
I have also heard of making jokes about the lying to make them think its silly to lie. Ex. if she says "I don't know who did it." (when you know she does), then say enthusiatically " Me neither! Maybe it was a fairy that came in through the window to do it! Or an alligator!" She might end up telling you when she realizes she's not going to be punished.

Ages 4-6 are a BIG lying age. I think the stare down is great, but it's just something she'll have to get over. It also helps to reassure that you won't get mad, that you just want to hear the truth. That doesn't always work, but it's worth a shot. You'll need to repeat it hundreds of times for the next 15 years. Good luck!

Believe it or not, apple cider vinegar works for us! My four and six-year-olds lie every now and then. We've tried the "God loves truth" talks and such, but they - especially the older one - really need more memorable reminders. When they lie I simply dip my finger in a dab of the vinegar and rub it on their tongues. I tell them that this is how lying tastes. I also very clearly outline the difference between disobedience with truth and disobedience with a lie. When they tell me the truth after disobeying, I tell them I still have to discipline the disobedience, but I make a BIG deal about the truthfulness and share with them how much less the punishment is because of the truth. They are usually pretty pleased with the whole situation and even take the punishment with a good attitude - usually. I can tell you this - the lying decreased DRAMATICALLY when I started that!

I do agree with an earlier mom that if you know she did something, don't give her the chance to lie. You're setting her up for failure which is bad for her self-esteem. Kids her age lie as part of their imagination and testing. Or maybe she's scared of her punishment. I think what you are doing is fine, just let her know that you love her unconditionally and that she should never be scared to tell you the truth about anything. This will set up an open and honest environment for many years to come. You want her to know that there is nothing she can tell you that will make you not love her and that honesty is always the best policy. Good luck.

My son did this at about age 4. I punished a few times (time out or sent to sit on his bed) then I rewarded when he did tell me the truth. I would be sure to tell him you are not getting punished for the behavior because you told me the truth about it. I did tell him that sometimes he would still get punished but it is always better to tell the truth. I tried to look at what was more important. That he stop the behavior he needs punished for or stop the lying. Most of the time stopping the lying was the bigger deal. He is doing MUCH better now. I looked for opportunities to show him some GRACE when he told me the truth. God gives us that all the time. I am a tad bothered by the advice of praying and then spanking. I sure am glad God doesn't treat me that way. While there are consequences for our actions keep in mind they are kids and that is why they have parents....to teach them the right thing. Good luck and God bless.

Children your daughter's ageare learning and practicing how to separate fantasy from reality. They are egocentric and truly believe it is their thoughts and wishes that cause things to happen.

They don;t truly yet know what truth is yet, let alone have the ability to understand there can be shades of gray between the truth and a falsehood. Professionals agree that children are close to age seven before they really understand what a lie is and that lying is bad.

The child believes what he or she is saying and wants it to be true. Understand why they do it and help them separate fact from fiction.

Many of the stories children tell stem from their active daydreaming or rich fantasy life.
Try a comment like, "What a clever story you made up!" rather than the old admonition. Once you play out the fantasy, and she realizes it couldn;t have hjappened the way she said it did, then you can laugh at the fantasy and discuss what really happened. This works with my 5 year old.