Need Help with 10 Year Old Daughter

You better get the 10 year old in line before the 8 year old picks up on it. When she asks why she has to do something, the answer is very simple:"Because I'm the mother and you're the daughter, I said do it and you'ed best do it NOW" She's testing you. If she gets away with it now, heaven help you when she starts dating. Most 10 year olds think they have a mean mother because most 10 year olds are self centered and want everything to go their way. Give her responsibilities. When she comes thru, praise her. When she doesn't, restrict her and be firm and consistent. You can't do one thing one time and another thing another time.

I'd say since you know you have been inconsistent, that's probably half the problem...but that will resolve itself so long as you ARE consistent from now on. I think the other half of the problem is just her age! I can still clearly remember being 10-12 and how hormonal I was and how much I hated my mother and felt misunderstood. It's a hard time for a girl, especially if you and her have similar personalities (my mom and I are both VERY stubborn and very much alike!) I see the same thing with my hubby's mom and his sisters (twin 11 yr olds)
Thinking back to when I was that age, I also remember asking "why" when my mom told me to do things. And I recently talked to my mom about that and she admitted she now looks back and wishes she would have told me the "why" behind more things. I think it's important for a pre-teen/teenager to learn why things are asked of them and why certain things have to be done. Instead of just resisting you b/c you said so, they might have a light bulb go off and think "oh that makes sense!" (even though she'd probably never admit that to you LOL) I realize some things should just be left at "because I'm the mom and I told you to do it!" But maybe you can take a second after she asks and think "is it better in this situation to explain myself to her for a few minutes or butt heads about it for a few hours?"
Just don't give up, it's a confusing time for her as a girl with raging hormones and she needs her mother! Keep trying, make sure you spend time doing fun things that she enjoys, and let conversation come naturally. Hopefully she will see that you love her very much and just want to do what's right =) It may take a few years for her to see though!
(oh, one more suggestion...maybe you could think back to when you were that age and then one time when you have the opportunity, tell her "I just remembered something the other day about when I was 10..." Don't try and compare your story to her...she will get the connection, but will be less willing to admit it to herself if you tell her you were just like her! LOL maybe that would help her see that you DO know how she is feeling?)

First of all I'm sure you are a great mom! We all do the best we can with what we've got. Don't be so harsh on yourself! =o)

Now... On to your question. You already acknowledged that you have been inconsistent in your discipline, so now that you are trying to be more consistent, your daughter is testing boundaries. Add in the hormones at this age and you have quite a situation. My sister was like that with my parents from about the time she was 8. She is very head-strong & defiant and would argue about everything! It seems like the more she would test, the more my parents got irritated, the more she tested because she got a response... It was this never-ending cycle that just kept escalating.

I realize I do things very differently than a lot of people, so when my son goes through one of those stages (there have been many of them already at age 4- I just can't wait for the teen years LOL), I just go with the flow. He asks why, we tell him why. If he whines or throws a fit, he goes to his room until he can calm down and talk to us about the situation. We've done this since he was very young since he has always communicated well, and now he knows and just goes to his room to calm down before the situation escalates. There have been many times when I've just walked away until he or I can calm down.

I don't agree with those who say that you're the parent and what you say goes b/c the kid has no say. I always consider Phoenix's point of view, and explain to him why the rules are in place- never because I said so (I always hated when my parents said that!). I believe in mutual respect. Yes, I am the parent, but I also take into consideration his feelings and what's going on in his world. He is a person too and being respected as one makes a big difference, especially for your daughter at this age. Case in point- my brother moved in with us a few months ago and he kept treating our son as just a child with no respect (the same way our parents treated us). They fought constantly for about a week. When I sat down with my bro & explained to him that Phoenix is also a part of this family and needs to be respected as such, everything changed! Now they get along great! For me respect is a two-way street. You can't just demand respect and expect to get it without giving it.

Another thing regarding respect is to respect yourself enough to put your foot down on the rules. This is a huge issue my hubby deals with constantly. He's also very inconsistant and our son knows it. He knows how to push the buttons, and will.

Sorry this is kinda long, but I hope it helps. People are always amazed at how well-behaved our son is, and the close friends I have who are around a lot have commented multiple times on the way we treat him with respect.

It is a combo of her age and she is testing you. All girls do it. It is a right of passage. I remember those days, I come from a family of all women and WOW! Lots of hormones and at that age you do not know how to deal with all of those feelings. I still have trouble dealing with hormonal moods. Be loving and CONSISTENT. Let her know that certain things will be asked of her and you expect her assistance. My kids tell me I am mean too. I think that must meanI am an awesome parent. You are the Mom, find your power. You are not bad, she is just telling you that to get a response from you. CB

When she asks why she has to do it? tell her to explain it say you tell me why you have too. If she says I dont know then tell her while she is doing said thing to think about it and get back with her on the why. Most every chore is learning responsibility. Also cleaning, laundary, cooking, picking up dusting they are all for health reasons. Simple answers to a simple task. Sorry she is acting up it might be hormones too! Good luck momma and hang in there.

You do not say if you are married. Not that it makes much of a difference, but my parents were divorced and one of the things my mom told me and my sister was that we were a family first and a team second. That being said, we all had responsibilities.

Keeping the house tidy and clean was all of our jobs. At first she told us what chores we each needed to do each week. When that did not work out well, she gave us choices.
Who would vacuum?
Who would mop?
Who would clean the bathroom this week?
Who would start dinner?
We each had to do our own laundry, but we also had to ask if anyone had anything that needed washing, if there was room in the machine. Sometimes we would trade jobs. She told us we could do our chores on Saturday morning, or Saturday afternoon.If we were going to busy Sat. We had to do the chores Friday when we got home from school.
School work was to be our number one activity, then we could have fun.

If we became angry or whiny, she would say she did not have time for that behavior and we were to go to our rooms till we could come back and handle the situation.

3 women (girls) in a house is a very emotional place at all times. Being able to speak to each other with respect is not easy. When my mom would remind us that she really needed our help, it would remind us she was just like us. She learned we did best when we could have a choice. Do not get me wrong, we could be loud and become angry at her, but she would acknowledge our feelings and say, I know your are angry, disappointed, hurt, frustrated, furious or whatever "but we only have each other, so I will always love you".

Your oldest is probably very bright and mature. I am guessing she is in 5th grade or in the second part of 4th grade? That means she is an official "tween".. I will pray for you.

Your inconsistancy may be a part of the problem, but don't be too harsh on yourself. There's a good chance that she is hitting puberty and going through all the fun hormonal changes. If you are very concerned, I would talk to the doctor.

Read "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman

Sit down with her and tell her that you are sorry but you have failed her. You will not continue down that path anymore. You love her and want a good relationship with her, but you are responsible for teaching her right and wrong. Here are the new rules and new consequences. They may change as we go, but you are no longer going to give in or allow certain things to happen. Get a plan and stick with it. Keep showing her love and praise no matter what. But, stick to your guns. She may call you everything under the sun, that probably means you are doing it correctly (unless you go back and forth; then she won't understand and just think you are in a mood). But, if you are honest with her and consistent, no matter what she calls you she will know you are doing what is right for her. She won't dare show you that side of her though.

C., I feel your pain...LOL. My daughter is 9 and she can be quite the debator. Everything has an argument...if I tell her the sky is blue she would probably run out so she can tell me it's it's light blue with white patches or something just to put in her two-cents. She likes to bring up "Why do I have to do this when daddy doesn't". I try to explain why I ask her to do something, but realistically it finally ends with, I'm the adult...you're the child and you either do what I say or face the consequences. Don't get me wrong, you have to choose your battles or you will go insane. I sometimes give her a choice of things to do like empty the dishwasher or feed and water the dogs. Somedays tell her she needs to do a chore, but I'll give her an extended time to have it done in...for example, if I know we are having company over on the weekend, I will tell her on Wednesday that she needs to clean her room and her bathroom, but she has until Friday at bedtime to have it done by. That way if she has other things she needs to do, she can, so long as she meets the deadline. I always tell her the consequences in advance so she is aware. This way, there is no fight, I just remind her...today is Thursday, is your room and bathroom clean yet?

I don't believe for one second that you are a bad mom. It's the age group. I have a niece who is 4 days older than my daughter and another that is 1 month older. Both my sister and my sister-in-law are going through the same thing and we all have different disciplinary styles. Kids at this age are argumentative. Find something that works for you and stick with it.

Ask her to do something and if she talks back or questions, look her in the eyes and say excuse me? in a firm voice. If she asks questions as to why or whines or gets attitudy, look her straight in the face and say "you are a member of this family and you WILL do your part to help out when you are asked. You receive food, shelter, safety, education among other things and nothing is free. Now do as I have asked you or the consequence will be no tv, no phone, no friends over, no dessert, going to bed early, or a combo of any of the above." You end the conversation and cut off the back and forth banter. You are setting up the rules as this is how it is going to be and this is how it is. MOST IMPORTANT PART-- Follow through with the consequences if she does not do as you ask. While you may take her feelings into account, she is a child and not able to logically make the best decisions in life and therefore does not get an equal vote in the family. Also, You are the most important adult in her life, she needs to learn from you how to respect authority figures and this can only come from you commanding respect for yourself in the family for who you are and what all you contribute to it. Thus when she is an adult, she will be able to do the same. Never feel guilty for preparing her for the real world.

Good Luck and Hope this helps you.

Hi I also have a 10 year old daughter. We have gone through your situation in the last few months.It was to the point she was saying I hate you! My daughter is spoiled and a mommies girl- hormones are kicking in and she was confused. It did help to explain to her, her body was changing and all girls got through this.The way she feels is normal. But i found simple solutions we started with, when your acting out how should you be punished? Time out, no friends over, no computer ect...... and we agreed together what would be fare punishment. And I had to stick to it with the carring on and fit throwing. But it now works and really didn't take but a few weeks. Also I told her when you turn ten you will have more chores and when you turn 11 you'll have more chores or more responsibility ect... At ten she is allowed to be at home by her self if i run to the corner store for example. She can now use the microwave. Can walk to her friends house alone (only 1 block away). I am over protective so these are big responsibilities for her. But a few examples of how i made a peaceful house again. She is learning to be responsible for her self, but with that also comes keeping her own room clean and doing small chores. Now at times she even offers to help me get other things done. Patience and more PATIENCE. They want to be recognized at this age and feels are on thier shirt sleeve. Good luck

C.,

I want to ENCOURAGE you to stick with your new-found commitment to discipline. You are NOT a failure! But, because you were inconsistent, I feel certain that your daughter is trying to play on your weaknesses. It will simply take TIME for her to see that you are not going to waiver. And, you also have a younger daughter that needs to see your consistency; so keep up the good work. If you TRY to think back to your own childhood PRIOR to the age of 10, your memories are probably not crystal clear. I believe that the memories/impressions that you make from this point FORWARD are the most important, so do not get discouraged and fall back into your old, inconsistent practices. Your consistency, administered with love, WILL pay off in your relationship with your daughters in the long-run.

I encourage you to take a little time each day to educate yourself in the practices of parenting. I believe parenting is a "learned skill" - and not many people ever receive formal training. There is so much information on-line that you can read through from your computer and at your convenience - perhaps after the girls go to bed each night. I simply Googled "Christian Parenting Skills" and found some of the following sites that have some good things to say. The first one below is interesting because it has a scale (button) where you can select "Parenting Tips by Age." The last one is a secular, "for purchase" program that I personally know nothing about, but may have some good hints for dealing with rebellious children (it's not terribly expensive and does offer a free trial.) I am sure there are many other sources on the Web that you can locate and check out by typing different key words related to exactly what you want to know. Every home and situation is unique, so use your good judgement to select parenting skills that seem like they will work for your situation. Perhaps these sites will give you a good start:

http://onetoughjob.org/?gclid=CP2xgNvE45YCFSYMDQodGBzuPg

http://www.christian-information-center.com/christian-par...

http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/?dsource=googlegenh...

I am a Christian and know that Jesus is my source of strength and encouragement. He helps me to know if my actions are valid and provides me guidance in all things through the scriptures in the Bible. If you are a believer, I encourage you to pray for God's wisdom and guidance. If you don't know Jesus personally, I encourage you to read the Bible and seek a relationship with Him. Knowing Jesus personally REALLY does make all the difference in one's own sense of peace and confidence, especially when dealing with life's trials. And, if you are not now doing so, I recommend attending church as a family. Regular church attendance can provide real "stability" in your and your daughters lives. It also can provide additional sources of encouragement and counsel - both formal and informal. It will place you and your daughters in an environment to learn the fundamentals of respect and loving-discipline, and much more. Also, there will be kind-hearted and loving people in your own age groups that can provide peer support.

Don't get discouraged, C.! You are making a admirable effort to do the right and consistent things as a parent - and THAT is NOT an easy job!

Blessings,
K.

Proverbs 22:6 - "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it."

Colossians 2:1-3 - "For I want you to know how great a struggle I have on your behalf ... that their hearts may be encouraged, having been knit together in love, and attaining to all the wealth that comes from the full assurance of understanding, resulting in a true knowledge of God's mystery, that is, Christ Himself, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge."

Colossians 3:20 - "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord."

1 Timothy 2:3 - "But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."

Stick to your guns starting now. Yes, children, very young children qill quickly learn their parents weaknesses and use them to the best of their advantage. Remind her who is the parent and who is the child and that her behavior and they way she is talking to you will not be tolerated.

I have been working with children for the past few years and one thing I have noticed is that smart-mouthed, "teenage" behavior that used to develop in young teenagers, has moved down to 9/10 year olds.

Stay strong. There is no manual on how to raise the perfect child. We are all doing the best we can.

This is a very trying age, preteen years, it is a great time to be very consistent on boundaries so they feel safe and loved, however to take some of the power struggle out of things, You can do a couple of things, Post house rules and refer to the poster on the fridge, Decide what kind of help you'd like around the house and make a chore/allowance reward chart. At ten they can do many things independently and this might be a great time to teach more self care life skills then when the hormones rush at 12-13yrs. Suggestions of the chart are a list of chores on one side, laminate the paper and use a permanent sharpie to check off accomplishments all week, Its okay if they don't do every chore everyday, because the choice of how many chores they do a day equals how much money they earn at the end of the week. If they make their bed everyday thats an accomplishment with a money reward times 7, if not don't argue she gets less money and will learn that her actions don't yield as much money or praise from you.
This takes the power struggle away , teaches responsibility, money sense and gives you a chart to refer for consistency and to see how cooperative your 10 yr old darling really can be. Oh by the way for every rule on the chart that is broken there is an X put over one of the checks on her chore chart (FINE of money) (Rules should be only the very serious, breaking habits, EX. NO WHINING rule, or ACCEPT NO ONCE rule, NO FOUL Language. Stuff like that. This takes it all off of emotions and onto paper. Praise your daughter for her accomplishments and she can see her behaviors on paper which will help her grow and learn much faster with positive motivation.

My feeling on how much, .25/check or .50 if you have only 3 chores. Just my two cents, as I think the money should be a small amt to reward, but not to spoil. And if they want to buy special things or SAVE up their money then paying little amts teaches more about the value of hard work and their accomplishments.

Just a couple of thoughts,
Used to be a K-2nd teacher and subbed for High School and yes even the biggest 5'10 young man thrived on praise and noticing their accomplishments.