Need Help Loving My Daughter

You've received a lot of good advice and assurances, but I'd still like to add my two cents. For your peace of mind, try to remember these three things:

1. The babies are only 8 months old. One isn't purposely driving you crazy or on the way to becoming spoiled, just as the other isn't purposely well-behaved. At this point they've still spent more time in you than in the world. I tried to guide my daughter's behavior as much as one can when she was tiny - mostly using routine - but recognized that discipline is pointless until a child is at a stage where they know what they are doing.

2. Treating your children equally doesn't always mean treating them identically.

3. You definitely love your daughter as much as your son. Otherwise you wouldn't worry about this so much. Reposition your feelings as a mothering technique issue. Now it isn't a failing on your part in loving your daughter well, it's a challenge to find a way of interacting with her that leads to better behavior/reactions on her part. The good news? Finding a way may take time, but IS possible!

Good luck!

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I don't think you need the guilt of keeping tabs on how much you hold one baby so you can be fair to the other. My daughter was colicky from 2 weeks to 3 months of age. When my son was born, I didn't say, "Well, she was held every night for an hour, I better do the same for him."

Every kid has different needs. Look at askdrsears.com and search for high needs baby. Your daughter may be one. She might just need extra attention and snuggles. You can't spoil a baby. I'm willing to bet there will be times when your son needs more attention than your daughter, and the roles will keep changing.

People who tell you that you hold her too much are full of it. Babies need love and thrive on it! Give that girl a hug and don't feel guilty!

J. W

1 mom found this helpful

You sound perfect, and if I was that distressed child, I would want you for my mother. I'm sorry I don't have advice, but you really sound wonderful.

I have b/g twins too, now 8 yrs. My son from the get-go has always been more demanding. I come to terms with the fact they have differant needs.

I have found, being one-on-one is a whole diffent ballgame (very nice). The nature of the twin/parent realtionship, puts the kids in competition for the parents attention. Take one at a time, out for some specail time.

Love your kids the same but treat them seperately.

When my twins were born, my brother (who is also raising twins) told me the best advice he ever got about twins:

you can't give them equal time and attention--it's physically impossible. Your goal is to give each of them the time and attention they need.

Their needs will be different at different times. Go with it.

I want to applaud you for being so caring and involved, and for being brave enough to ask for help! You have lots of wonderful advice here to contemplate, but I agree with those who said you are right on track and doing a great job!

Keep doing what your instincts tell you.

I don't have twins but your daughter sounds a lot like my first daughter. My first daughter is now 2 1/2 and I also have a 6 months old daughter. They are like night and day. baby girl #2 is so much more easy going and I feel like it is so much easier to love her at this age than it was with baby #1. But the thing is babies constantly change and even though baby #1 was really hard when she was young she is such a joy now and a good little girl. I love and enjoy her so much now. So just give it time. your daughter will get better as she gets older. Just keep trying to give them both attention like you are already doing. Things will get better.

Mainly just wanted to second what everyone else is saying... every baby is different and she sounds like a high needs baby!! Both of mine have been, though my first was horrible!! He SCREAMED for 20 hours a day for almost the whole first year!! One thing I would suggest is pay attention to how you hold her and if there is a certain position she likes more etc etc... if so- it could be more than just "needy"... my son had horrible stomach problems (still does to this day and he is 4), and I think sometimes medical issues in babies can be overlooked as "fussiness" or "neediness". Didn't see where you live, but my chiropractor has worked wonders with both my kids (one is 8 months)! He uses muscle testing to diagnose (just seeing whether or not you can hold your arm up when looking at any specific organ etc etc), and generally we do an adjustment and one homeopathic remedy for about a month and everything is all better. Never fails to amaze me!! Let me know if you are around Thornton/Northglenn/Westy/Arvada... if so I can give you his name and number!! Good Luck!

Give up on the idea of balancing attention with twins. I tried and it nearly killed me. One was more needy than the other but I was so afraid of paying more attention to one over the other. I finally got the point they are two different kids one wants a and the other wants b. They will get what they ask for no need to beat yourself up because one wants or needs more than the other. The one that gets less isnt missing out because you are not taking anything away from him he is getting what he wants.

You have to feed her need for love!
My now 14 month old daughter was the same way... still is to some point, but now she gives love back as well.

She was such a mammas girl and needed SO much of me, it was hard. I was worried I would spoil her and make her a little brat, but instead the love I gave her (over the top love) made her more confident and realize she could breath a bit and let go.

I realize it is hard to have one child so angelic and one so high strung, but that little girl will make you happier than you ever imagine!! She will give that love back to over and over again... if you hold back you will pass along what you had with your mom! Your love for your kids doesn't have to be the same nor equal, however it must be given! Find a place in your heart for her that belongs only to her and one for your son. That way that love is unique and special for each of them.

Keep up the work and don't give up. I had a terrible relationship with my mom and sister and now I have one girl and I am having another girl in Sept. I was scared out of my mind at the idea of having girls because I was afraid I would be able to love them the right way. But man when it clicks it clicks and now she is the light of my life! I only pray it happens with the next one as well.

Good luck

My twins are 2 1/2 now & they have switched to which one is easier. My advise, be patient because it will change. Mine have changed a few times now. Hang in there, someone told me it gets easier. Hoping that's true.

The only way to spoil a baby her age is to neglect her. As far as emotional and social development, she has one task right now and that is to learn that her world is a safe place and that mom and dad will take care of her and love her no matter what. So give her all the attention that she needs. My youngest was very clingy, never wanted to be put down, and was very slow to warm up to new situatios and people. I went along with it and gave him extra attention (even though I had 2 others under the age of 5). Six years later, big change. He is very confident and outgoing, cooperative, and a joy to me. First day of preschool was pretty easy, only a few tears and a bit of clinging. So, point is, give her the love and attention she needs now and she is more likely to be secure when she gets older.

Try not to compare your kids. It's too easy for one to fall short when you do that. You can talk about their differences, but don't say (even to yourself) that one personality is better. Look for the good things about both kids. What does your daughter do well? Is she crawling well, sitting on her own, eating well? Maybe she is more verbal or has better small motor skills that the average for her age. And when you get frustrated, just tell yourself that her strong personality will be good as she gets older (had to remind myself this a lot with my oldest - very stubborn baby and toddler, but at 11 she's not swayed from her values and morals by peer pressure!)

Don't worry too much about matching time for time with attention on your two kids. Different kids have different needs, just meet the needs of both. Give your son the love and attention and help that he needs, talk to him, play games with him. Give your daughter the attention and love that she needs, play games that appeal to her, tell her how much you love her. If they both get what the need, they'll both grow and develop into healthy kids. There's no tally sheet anywhere to make sure that they get equal mommy time!

A.
you have received some great advice. I agree with all the moms that have said that each child is different and the mellow one is mellow for a reason; so you can give the other one her needed attention. I don't have twins but my first and second were just like that. I found it helpful and still do to recognize their individual love Languages. My first child's love language is Quality Time, my seconds is Touch. So where I was so use to being able to just talk and be in the same room as the first, the second wanted me to hold her all the time. (book: The five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) I second all the moms that said it is okay to treat each child different, you just go with what they need. I also taught mine sign language around 8 months to minimize frustration from not being able to tell me what she needed. signs like, "up" and "eat" and "book" and many more. I made sure we had a schedule for eating and napping and snuggling and playing with mom, so she knew and I knew what was needed next. I also taught her to say "mommy time" when she just needed a snuggle, so she wouldn't cry until she received it. These helped me to be much more patient, because the crying fits were lessened quite a bit, and she could communicate some what.
I wish you luck in loving
E.

Hi, A.. I am a mommy of five year old identical twin boys who are completely opposite in personality. I can completely sympathize with you on your struggle...at eight months, one of our boys was very needy for our attention while the other was alwasy more mellow. Here's my two cents:

The one is more mellow to compensate for the needy one. You will notice that this is the case now, but as they grow and mature, they will switch on you (most moms of twins will tell you this!). So, when that happens, your daughter will have had her fill of you and you'll be emotionally ready for your son to need you more. Wouldn't it be crazy difficult if they both did this at the same time?

Another thing...if your son is mellow, he really won't mind how much more attention you are giving to your daughter, as long as his needs are met. If that's his personality (our mellow would rather us leave him alone!), than spend some more positive energy on your daughter. Go ahead and pick her up, cary her around...give her songs and lots of tickels and don't worry about your son. If he wants some of that action, he'll ask for it!

Good luck. Please contact me if you need any more help!!
M.

You have received some wonderful advice and it sounds like you are already doing a great job. I definitely agree that treating them equally does not mean treating them identically. if one needs more attention to get her needs met then so be it.
One thing you might consider is monitoring her diet and see if that helps. She might be more needy because something isn't fully right. WE found out our daughter was allergic to dairy and that made a huge difference. I also know that even kids with aspergers (I don;t know if i spelled that right but its like a mild form of autism) can help their moods with diet, especially avoiding food coloring, like red, and blue. Does she have gas more? That can be painful. Just some things to try. Maybe you have already and she is just more needy. Remember that babies cry to communicate their needs. She's not being manipulative. You could try carrying her around with a baby sling in a hip carrying position. that way you can still get stuff done and she gets to be held by you. Good luck.

I understand your concerns, although I also agree that 8 months is probably too early to worry much (easier said than done though).

I only wanted to offer one suggestion that came to mind. my oldest never cared to be held - always on the move, but my youngest constantly wanted to be held - even as a toddler, and I felt like I could never get anything done because of it, so I bought a child carrier so that I could have him on my back or my chest while I cooked or did yard work or whatever. He loved it, and so did I. Look into wraps or a BabyHawk (although I found those confusing), or an Ergo or Beco. I bought a Beco, and still use it even with my now 3 year old. Well worth the expense. Check out Babywearing.com - they used to have a 'for sale' section.

My daughter was the same way and people used to tell me that I held her way too much. She is now 18 and very well adjusted and intelligent. Some children just need more hands on attention then others. I would not worry about it. Just realize that she may be a little more needy right now. It may all change in a couple of months. I have actually seen pictures of the brain of a neglected child and their neurons don't connect. I am no way saying that you are neglecting your child or even want to neglect your child but I am just emphasizing the power of love and attention for a young child. If you son is less needy at the moment then that works out great for you since you have two. Don't worry so much about your actions and go with the needs of the children. My mother did not give me too much attention either but just the fact the you recognize that you want to break the cycle is the first step. I am sure that you and your husband are great parents and your situation with the children will probably change once they gain some more independence.

You have been blessed with a high-need baby! She really does NEED to be held more than other babeis do, she came wired that way. Please don't EVER think that you can hold a baby too much! Your daughter is trying to tell you in the only way that she can that she craves your love and attention, there is nothing at all wrong with that. You will not spoil her by holdig her as much as possible. Have you tried using a sling or a snugli? I wonder if there is one made for twins? Of course your son needs to be held and cuddled a lot too, but don't stress too much over being perfectly equal, all babies have their own personalities and their own unique needs and some really do need to be held more then others. My two little girls were the same way, one was easy going and cried very little and the other was very fussy and I had to hold her all the time, my fussy baby took longer to wean and to sleep on her own as well, but I just accepted that as her needs being different than my first baby's were. It helped me to know (from stories from my mom) that I myself was a very fussy baby and had a high level of needs just like my daughter. That made me connect with her more and have empathy for her needs. Of course you will also want to look into any medical reason for her fussiness such as reflux or allergies to formula or something in your diet if you are breastfeeding (dairy, broccholi, or something else that you eat may be making her feel sick). But it is likely that she is healthy, she just needs lots fo love, and things will get easier, she will grow more independant over time. BTW, please don't tell her all of her life how difficult she is/was or how much easier and better her brother is/was, comparisons between siblings are not a good idea and they will make your daughter feel like you love her brother more than her. Good luck, do your best and things will turn out fine.

I dint' even read all the responses, but what a sweet reply you gave! this site is wonderful, full of mama's who know what you're gong thru...many blesssings to you, A..

As a mother you have to do what you feel is best. At 8 mos old, if your child needs to be held, that is what she needs. I have a daughter that is almost 3. As a baby I held her constantly... breastfed her on demand and picked her up when she cried. It was a bit more "work" for me. However, I felt she needed it. Now she is INCREDIBLY independent (just wait for toddlerhood!). I think the independence comes on naturally, AND we helped her to be secure enough to be independent by teaching her from a very young age we were here for her and she could trust and count on us. I believe you need to give them the love and attention they need - and proper discipline too. At 8 mos, not much discipline needed. Enjoy her - they grow so fast!