Need Help Getting My 6 Year Old to Take Care of Herself and Her Belongings

I have a 10 year old, and its still a constant cry of " brush your teeth, pick up your things, remove your backpack from the table". She is a really good girl, but just "forgets" to do these things. We do try to keep a point system where good behavior earns points and poor or forgetful behavior costs points, where the points can be cashed in for things like allowance and extra bedtime or computer time on the weekends.

Flylady.net a favorite website of mine, recommends Housefairy.org I never purchased the "system" but have heard lots of positive feedback. It may be worth a try! Good luck!

Hi J.. Im interested to see what you get for responses. My 6 year old son is the exact same way. He's okay with his toys because if its out on the floor its fair game for his little brother but everything else is everywhere and other than brushing teeth I'm having a terrible time w/ personal care issues too. He came back from summer camp and didnt shower the entire week!!! If you get any advise that seems helpful could you let me know. Thanks and Good luck.

Don't you love them!!! At the beginning of school last year i bought my 7yo an alarm clock and I made a daily chores chart w/2 columns- done, not done. The chores were on little cards w/velcro on the back and each column had velcor. She would wake up to the alarm each morning and move each chore over as she finished it. It was the simple stuff- get dressed, brush teeth and hair, but she never once fought with me about getting ready in the morning and she only missed the bus once last year!!! I was amazed!!! We also have a cleaning up issue, so I do the races and such that others have mentioned. I'm not big on allowance based on chores, but I am using a .25 cent reward system right now because I've been at my wits end with the mess this summer, but I don't plan on it lasting for ever, maybe just a few weeks til they get the hang of picking up!! I read a great book- "How to raise kids you want to keep" that talks about how to use reward systems that really work!! Good Book! Good Luck!

Hi J.,
Have you tried not letting her do the things she likes most, like going out doors because she is unwilling to help out with the things that are neccessary to do so? Also possibly taking things away to get through to her that you do not and should not have to argue with her constantly. A part of it is the age and another part is just pure definance. I deal with it with my 5 1/2 year old. She'll try to negotiate to no end but alls it takes is an "ok, well we won't do XY&Z" and that usually changes her mood and she is more willing to help out. I think you should talk with your daughter and let her know that you need her help, sometimes when kids know that they are really needed to help aid in the daily routines, they are more willing to help/cooperate.
Consistency is key and I think as long as you keep up with the positive re-enforcement, she'll be more willing to help you out. You definitely should also keep up with consequences too, such as if she leaves her wet bathing suit on the floor after being told not to, she doesn't get to go outdoors to get wet the next day. May sound harsh, but lifes a learning lesson. :) Good luck.

I know it's tough but stay on top of it. Don't let her get away with something one time and then ask her to do it the next. Consistency is key.. Also praise praise praise when things are done correctly. And then take things away when they are not. Always have a consequence. And I have a list of house rules posted where everyone can see. Tell her it's the family working together. Make it a big deal. My daughter loves to know that she is doing something for the family. And when it's not done she is not happy with the consequence. SO then when she goes to neglect something I remind her of that. Also you can make things fun. Be creative. I make songs or dances to cleaning. My daughter will sing and dance as she puts things away. I have even thought of giving her stars next to something she has done and when she gets 10 she gets to either pick a place to go or pick out a new play dress or just something she has been wanting for a while. Within reason of coarse. With shoes they always go in the same place. As soon as we walk in the door I give a firm reminder. If they aren't there then you don't get to go outside later. Or something like that. With hair and such I usually threaten but never do it myself. I tell her that if she doesn't brush her hair them we will have to cut it all off. She doesn't like that so she will brush her hair. But if it's not done then mommy has to do it and she hates that too. And you just have to have a consequence. Children need boundaries. They may not act like it but they do. It's what's best for them. Remember your the mommy your in charge. No arguing.

Try these. Good luck..

I look forward to your responses J.!
I am also the mom of a 6yr and 2yr old girls...and yes the 6yr old has completely taken over the house with "stuff" everywhere!!!!! I constantly nag and I think she may be almost starting to dislike my voice...lol! Oh well she's old enough and needs to get it together a little bit. One thing I have tried is that if she leaves her belongings or toys out-it's either thrown out or put in a good will bag, this worked for a while.

Six years old is still pretty young to be very organized or to be able to pull together subsequent thinking processes for any length, that is being able to think through, "I must hang this up or it will make the floor wet, or I must hang this up because this is what I must do."

She is still just learning mental organizational skills and she'll need your help and guidance. Think of it that way; help and guidance, not punishment. You cannot punish a child for not completing a task beyond their skill level, nor should you. It will only lead to a wedge in your relationship with her and a poor self esteem on her part.

I suggest not only what the others have said here, but also to focus on what she does correctly and reward that with praise. Try to stay on the positive and reserve your punishing/scolding mode for more serious infractions. Afterall, we all will tend to block out unpleasant communications from others after a time and your daughter will do the same with you causing you to have to ramp up the tone and type of scolding -- not a good plan!

Again, focus on the positive and also make the goals short. ALWAYS praise right away, don't withhold. She's still young and tomorrow or "this evening" is still along ways off to a child. She wants your approval more than anything, that is your tool for success in the future. Think of it as training her for the future, that someday she'll get it all as she picks up pieces here and there.

Even a "Good Job" chart would help if organization is your thing. If you want to teach her long term goals, reward verbally and with a star on her "Good Job" chart and at the end of the week do something with her that she likes.

Hope this helps.

How about a star system for a week or two. Make sure she understands that you appreciate her help around the house and with herself, now that she is older and a big girl.

Maybe she could give you stars too.
Keep a chart and put up a star when you notice her doing good things around the house, she can put them up for you too - or maybe even role model and put one up after you do something good for the family (folding clothes, dishes, etc.).
Tell her that when both of your sheets of paper are full that you'll go out for a special ice cream treat, etc.

Also make sure to use positive reinforcement words, when she does do things she is suppose to do - so it isn't all negative comments that she is hearing.

I even try a bit of reverse psychology with my son. "I would have you help me - (put away the clothes, dishes, clear the table, etc) - but I'm not sure that you are old enough/big enough yet. Then he tries to prove me wrong. =)

Good luck!!!!

As far as her things. If my daughter doesn't clean up her toys they go in time in a box and cannot come out until she starts leaning up other things better. This works very well and I hardly have o use this technique any more. If I threaten to do it now she picks up immediately . She responds to this better than a time out for herself.

She is still very young to expect her to remember everything that an adult does automatically. If she can read, post a list in each room of things that she is responsible for. If she cannot read well, then cut pictures of the activity out and post those. Bathroom: pick up towel, brush hair, brush teeth....Living room: pick up toys, put away books...AND so on.

This way you are not stressing and she is not being yelled at. When she does do one thing without you reminding, praise her. An oldest child can get the brunt of expectations and it can be hard on her. So, be careful...she is still young and she will grow up soon enough!!

I am a mom of 3 boys, aged 24, 18 & 13. You have to remember that she is only 6 years old and children will rarely pick things up on their own without your telling them to! I think that you have to put aside your need for neatness for the time being. It takes a while to get over that. When my eldest son was a little boy, we used to arrange all of his cars & trucks at night to form a little community garage & then put all of his clothes away together. As he got older, he became messier & I had to let go of my desire for such neatness. Not that I allowed things to pile up & be everywhere, but at least in their rooms I am not always at them to be neat. I do have them pick up their own things, but when they were 6, I was the one picking up the wet towels & bathing suits! Toys, they had to pick up. So, just keep at it. She may be responding to the arguing by defying you too. She may not do it on her own for a while, but constant gentle prodding will help. After a while all you will have to say is "'Susie', toys" and she will probably say, "yeah, yeah, I know!".

J., I agree with Kathy. Make the list and remind her when necessary (like when a wet bathing suit will hurt the floor) but honestly, she is still too young to be expected to do this. My daughter is 9 and she's a pain in the butt with showering and cleaning up her toys. It will come but right now they simply don't think about it or value things like we think they should.

About a month ago we started a chores chart with my 6 year old daughter. The list is long, but some very simple things are on it! some examples - getting dressed, brushing hair, brushing teeth, setting the table, clearing her place, making her bed, putting things where she found them. It has been working great! She's anxious to get up in the morning to start checking her chores off. We've listed them in a certain order so that afternoon and evening chores are at the bottom. At the end of the week, she gets her allowance - $3.00. If she misses one chore during the week, she gets 25 cents taken off for each chore. One week, we did deduct 75 cents from her allowance and since then, she's gotten the full $3.00 a week. It has definitely paid off!

good luck!

We recently started a job chart with our 3 1/2 and 5 year old kids. I have found it helps a lot with the nagging to get things still. They still need reminders, but I can often direct them to the chart to "double check" they've done what they were supposed to do. And, they get rewards, which makes it fun for them and me. We got them online at http://www.ididitproductions.com/ It is a little complicated to get started, but I think the benefits are well worth it. It definitely works better for my older child - I need to help the younger one, but I expected that. Good luck.

Definitely the age. My six year old is the same way. We are always fighting about it. I get the I can't do it response from her too. As far as picking up after herself goes my pediatrician actually gave us a game that my girls have been anxious to try. I haven't tried it yet and I don't know what I'm waiting for, but I'll share it with you. Pick a time to clean up and then put jobs for everyone to do on pieces of paper and into a hat or something. Things like sweep the kitchen floor pick up the living room dust etc. Then everyone chooses a job and you set the timer for 15 minutes and they have to race to get it done, but get it done correctly (very important part of this). When the timer goes off everyone meets back at the kitchen table and you go over the jobs and once everything is complete you set the time for another fifteen minutes and play a game. So this way she's more responsible and learning how to clean up and chipping in so mom doesn't have to do it all. You would just make her race the clock when you just want her to pick up her stuff. My kids like racing each other to see who can get it done first. You have a 2 year old so it probably won't work so well, but you could race her too that could be fun for her. As far as taking care of herself goes that's a tough one. Maybe if she knows why it's important to keep ourselves neat and clean though it will help. Again, my pediatrician kind of helped in this area at my daughter's physical. She told her that now that she's 6 she's not a baby anymore so she has to act more grown up and told her how to do this. It seemed to help her. Good luck!

Hi J.,

Maybe you should try not arguing at all. Maybe TELL her in a firm voice that this is what she WILL do (don't ever ask, but tell) and if she doesn't do it then you'll be taking something of hers away, or you & her will stand there until she does it.

According to my husband, I have OCD - I just think it's more of - I came from a very neat clean family & his family is a pack of slobs =0) but whatever - either way, I can sympathize with your need for neatness & organization.

designate one room for clothes changing - have her get dressed in the bathroom - that way dirty clothes go straight into the hamper? or have her get dressed in her bedroom & keep a small pop up hamper in there? my boys get dressed in their rooms, but before they can put their clean clothes on, they go throw their dirty clothes in the hamper - works great for me!

// as for toys - that'll never end - I keep a laundry basket (a big one) & whenever toys get out of control - I tell my boys that they don't have to put them away where they belong JUST YET - but they DO have to put all the toys that are out in the basket (and then we sort them at a later time - before bed we play the game - where does this belong? and i pass them the toy(s) & they put it in the place it should go - that way it's supervised & it goes in the right spot - they love it)

// Shoes - well I had a HUGE problem with this myself - we were constantly losing shoes/ stepping on shoes / dog chewing shoes that were under the table - SOOOO I bought a shoe tray (cheap & easy to clean or bang outside when needed) & leave it by the front door. EVERY SINGLE time we went out - that's where the kids put their shoes on. And EVERY SINGLE time we came home - that's where the boys took their shoes off! I had to remind them every time we walked in the house (hey, you're going in & out with them - so you're right there & can help if necessary )- and that was at the beginning of last school year when we started - by thanksgiving, my now 6 yr old was doing it w/o even thinking & by spring my soon to be 4 yr old had it down with no problem. Now any house we go to - my boys take off their shoes right by the persons front door when they come inside. My friends LOVE IT!!!

As far as hygiene goes - no kid likes to have sunscreen put on them - but they have no choice - if you ignore the tantrum or whatever it is she pulls - & just hum a nice song while you put the sunscreen on - again completely ignoring her behavior - it'll end - and soon.

You definitely need to put your foot down & remember that YOU are the parent - she's not. She's testing your limits & you need to lay down the law & stick to it. You're home with them - take advantage of that. I'm a stay at home mom too.

Um, for the hair & teeth & things - my son always wants to do things like that himself - so i, fortunantly don't have that problem - however ... my sister-in-law does ... so she did all those things FOR her daughter & told her that she must still be a baby cause big girls do this stuff themselves - but babies dont - they need their mommy to do it. Well that ticked her off enough to pull the toothbrush out of her mom's hand to show her she was, indeed, a big girl! (She used that for everything! hair brushing, washing up in tub, getting dressed, etc)

So, just some ideas - I know this was a long response - I apologize. But good luck & STICK WITH IT - that's my only true advice - whatever you decide - you have to be strong & stick with it.

Good luck & God Bless
C. B.

Hi J., I really need to know how to have my 9 year old pick up after himself. Is there any way you could let me know after you get your responses. That'd be great! If not, I guess I can ask my own question. My son is just lazy when it comes to picking up. It's awful. Good luck to you and hopefully I'll hear from you. Thanks alot. B.

J., keep taking deep breaths and count to 10, it's going to be a long ride! Or not. My daughter is/was the same. She came into my life at 5 1/2yrs and the biggest job I had to do was behaviour modification. It's tough and hard work and sometimes takes awhile. She will improve with age for sure. In the mean time, here's a suggestion I learned from a video for behaviour modification.
You need to retrain her on the way she does things and keep a cool head while you do this. Calm and relaxed.
example.
If she drops her coat in the hallway instead of hanging it up, you might say, hang it up please. The correct response would be to have her put it back on, go back outside, then come in, take it off and hang it up. What this speaker said, is by doing it the first way, all we are teaching them is to drop it on the floor then hang it up.

As for her wet swim clothes, when she drops them, tell her it is not acceptable, have her pick them up, go back out to the car and start over. When she enters the house, instruct (by visual) where she should put them. Keep doing this until it becomes automatic for her.

I'm sure you can think of many other things you would like to teach her. Do the same thing. think of a way you want to her do something and help her through it. EACH AND EVERY TIME she does it wrong, walk her through the right way. Hopefully, she will catch on and also get tired of doing things over and over and over. It will tire you out at first, but hang in there.
As for my daughter, there have been great improvements in her behaviour in the past 5 1/2yrs. Unfortunately, she is a slop. LOL I just have to get used to it. (to some degree.) that's who she is. I still struggle with the clean bedroom issue and probably always will.
Hope these tricks can help you.
K.

I have a 7.5 year old son who had the same problem. Here's what I did. If it wasn't put away, it taken taken and put in a trash bag - I didn't care what it was - shoes, clothes, toys. I didn't throw everything out - but I can tell you it didn't take long (especially when his DS ended up in the bag!)

I started this when he was about 6 and his little brother was starting to walk - and I have to say - the house looks much better (it will never be spotless, but at least it's picked up). My now 3 year old follows right along and puts his things away without really being asked.

I do have to remind my older one every once in awhile and now I tell him that I will just throw "it" away. I did throw away one toy (not too expensive) and it was never seen again - that stuck with him and he now gets up and does what I've asked.

Good luck!