Need an Opinion

Hi R., I am unsure of the reason your husband does not want to tell the children in advance. Too many people do not treat children like people, which is what they are. This is a form of respect and if a parent wants respect they have to show the same to their children. This has worked for me. As the mother of 5 with a good relationship with all my family. Please add this to your discussion with him. Yours truly, Grandma Mary

I understand and agree with your thoughts but I urge you to consider that it is really hard on your husband too. He needs encouragement to continue supporting his family by going to work even if that means going away. He may be so sad to see his kids upset that he can't be fully focused on his work.Try to support him in his role too.

You absolutely should insist that the childen should be told and they should be told by HIM! Perhaps he could have some sort of "ritual" for Dad going on a trip, along with a "ritual" for Dad coming home. Children need to have security in their lives and have Dad just disappear and reappear isn't very stable!

My husband travels to NV every month for about 5 days and that does not include any other conferences he attends. This has been going on for over 3 years now. One of us will tell the kids in passing, not making too big a deal out of it before he leaves. Sometimes it is the day before or two days before. He always says goodbye to them all and says I'll see you on x day. The kids know that they might not be able to say hello on the phone while he is gone. They don't even ask anymore about him while he is gone since they are so used to it. I will tell them that dad will be home tomorrow night after you go to bed or what have you so they know when to expect him.

Hope this helps.
Mom of 3 ages 6,5 and 3.

Every person in the household deserves at least a 24 hour notice. It is only fair. I'm sure your husband doesn't enjoy having a wrench just suddenly thrown into his schedule, so he should have courtesy for those loved ones that he lives with and let them know when he will be leaving ASAP so you are all on the same page. Good luck
D.

My husband travels a lot for work as well. We have 2 children 3 1/2 and 1 1/2. My husband will tell the kids at night when he's putting them to bed that he is going out of town and where he is going. If he is still home when they get up, he will remind them again that he's going out of town and will be back in a few days and will tell them where he is going. He always flies so we waive to Daddy in the airplane. We also talk about what fun thing we are going to do when he gets back. My husband then calls every night to talk to them and see how their day has gone. We often put him on speaker phone while we are eating dinner so we can have dinner together. We don't tell the kids days in advance bec. it seems to create more anxiety in my 3 1/2 year old. He will wake up every morning asking if Daddy has left yet etc. Bec. he doesn't understand time, he thinks everytime Daddy leaves the room it is time for him to fly. So we tell him closer to when my husband leaves and give him points of reference like, when you get up tomorrow morning Daddy will be on an airplane or Daddy won't be here when you get home from school bec. he will be on an airplane. I think it really depends on whether or not your children can understand time. Good luck.

Hi R.,
Of course children should know when one of their parents is going away. Why would your husband be opposed to this? Why on earth is he upset that you are telling them? Does he think they will not notice he is gone? You'd have to tell them at some point. It sounds like he thinks they are going to whine, cry, etc and wants not to deal with it himself. If they know ahead of time, they are likely to take the news better. I would suggest that all of dad's trips be listed on the family calendar, so they can see "Dad away" and "Dad comes home" for themselves.
Good luck

I am a firm believer of telling children about such events. I still remember visiting the grandparents and my parents disappearing for the night without telling us. Trust me it made a huge negative impact on my life, enough for me to still remember the crying thirty some years later. When I had my son, I was sure I would not do the same and I haven't. Both my husband and I have had to travel for work, and I tell my son a few days before. I think he is still too young to give a more heads up than just a couple of days. I tell him in advance when we plan on going out without him and if I have a baby-sitter coming to stay with him. I tell him in advance if we are going to have visitors who he may not know. I've notice because if the communication, he has no stress when the time comes. For instance we went out this past Saturday (my husband and I), and I had a baby-sitter. I told him the day before and then that morning. During the afternoon I asked him to pick some activities he wanted to do with the baby-sitter (who he knows by name), and when the time came he couldn't get us out of the house fast enough. I was extremely proud! When my husband is away, and he asks, I just remind him about the previous conversation about where daddy went. No stress, and it just makes things easier all around for them and for the parent who is staying behind with them.

I believe that children definitely to know in advance any changes in the daily schedule. If Dad doesn't let them know that he is leaving & just disappears they might associate his leaving with something they did wrong. Also why should you always have to be the bearer of bad news & tell your kids & then deal with all the whining & crying? Maybe, as a family sit down with a calendar & put stickers on the dates when dad leaves & when dad returns. This way everyone will know ahead of time & you can have a family project at the same time.

i don't think it would matter. the crying would just happen hours earlier. just my opinion. my hubby travels and we never warn kids about it. if kids ask i say he's working, he'll be back soon
good luck

My husband travels out of town regularly. My boys are small (almost 4 and 16 mos). We don't tell them in advance; but they are used to him being gone because even when he is home his work schedule is totally random and long hours.

I think the reason its not a big deal is because I make our time special when he's gone. I spend extra time with them, make special traditions we do only when daddy is gone (like we all sleep together at night, we often make popcorn together and eat it in a play tent, etc). We also try to make things special for daddy when he returns- like "lets rake the leaves for daddy" or "lets make cookies for daddy"- this distracts them while still making them feel closer to him and his return.

Obviously your children love their dad, but maybe there are other reasons why they are so upset to see him go? Are there special traditions you can make to fill in a sense of loss?

About whether he is right or wrong, I find it counterproductive to consider my "rightness"- it generally leads us to contention and resentment. I'd try to find other ways to deal with the issue than pushing him to do something or change in a way he doesn't want to. I take the opportunities when hubby has a habit I'm bothered with to change the person I can change- myself- whether that be my point of view or my response.... ultimately harmony and unity are my marital goals and I just find trying to get him to change usually creates the opposite (if I've already expressed my opinion and he doesn't see things my way).

How do YOU feel about him being gone? Children are very uncanny about picking up on undertones. Could it be that you feel distress about his trips and being an adult, you don't cry or whine- but as children they are in some way actualizing what they sense in you? Just a thought... this has happened with me and my kids sometimes.

My opinion: He should tell you all when he knows. My husband works a lot (Almost 400hours so far) of overtime and when he gets "stuck" he calls home and tells us. He usually tries to cal before the 7yo leaves for school so he can talk to her. To me it is an issue of respect both for me and our kids that he calls. In your case that he lets you ALL know. It is hard enough on kids for a parent to go away let alone walk out with "Oh by the way I'll see you in a week." Our daughter was 18 months old when my husband had to be gone all week, every week for 6 months for his job and she was old enough to understand Dad was leaving again every Sunday afternoon. He made a point of giving extra hugs and love and then she always cried but she didn't last long. My question is this: why does he not bother to tell them? Thats what you need to find out. A.

Hi! In our home we have a rule. "Everyone knows where everybody goes!" My 3 girls are 10, 5 and 16 months. I think the issue here is that we adults don't think children deserve the kind of respect that (I believe) they do.

It's worked out a lot easier for us with this rule and my husband is happy to oblige.

Hopt that helps!
P., Author, Doula, Coloratura Soprano, Christian Unschooling mom of 3 little ladies

Hi R.,
My husband sometimes has to travel for work and we tell our daughter 1-2 weeks in advance so she knows that there is going to be a change in schedule. (example my husband gives her her bath so she understands that mommy will be doing this) It also helps when he's not home for dinner and she asks "where's papa?" I tell her, "remember papa had to go on an airplane/in a car/etc to (instert place here) but he will be back on (enter day of week here).

It also helps for me to turn it into a learning opportunity. Recently my husband had to fly to Texas and this opened up a whole discussion on where was Texas, how far away it was, etc. We watched the weather channel and she was able to see that Texas had rain while we had sun. This distracted her from the fact that he wasn't home.

I hope this helps and it turns into a positive experience.

~K.
(Oh and props to you! Three boys by your self? Pat on the back for you!)

As a child psychologist I would strongly recommend that you tell your children ahead of time when something "different" is going to happen. In fact I would make a calendar for them with an icon on the days that your husband will be out of town. Children, especially young children, have no sense of time. Your husband "disappearing" creates a sense of insecurity and worry as to when and if he will return. My guess is that dad does not like to see the children upset and would prefer to avoid that situation. However, if you establish some kind of routine or tradition the night before a trip and make the children a part of getting him ready to go, the emotions will gradually decrease. Helping them "cross off" days until he comes home will make the abstract more real for young ones! Good luck-

Just an opinion: You and your husband should come to a compromise, depending on these factors: the ages of your boys,which you've stated, and the time frame your husband has between trips, meaning that he may not know he's leaving until the last minute. When I was married, my three girls always knew when their dad had to leave town on business, but sometimes not until after he left; how did I handle this? I found that by remaining calm and positive around the girls helped them to do the same. Maybe your boys can call their dad if he leaves unannounced and he can talk with them on the phone, perhaps, instead of the whole burden being placed on you. Also, your boys can do nice things for dad while he's away and it'll make it exciting for when he returns home; that's another way to channel that stressful energy into something positive. It took me a good year to get this down to a science, so don't beat yourself up. Another thing: don't take on all of this by yourself. your spouse has his share of the obligation as well. Good luck to you!

i believe that they should know a day or so in advance. it's only fair to everyone. that way every one has the proper good byes and you don't bear the brunt of the kids anger and frustration.
my husband travels about 25% of the time, and that's how we've always done it. it works for us.

My husband also has to leave town for work at times, sometimes he has to leave the state... We have two children, 7 and 4. He ALWAYS tells them in advance, where he is going, what for, why, if he is taking a plane or car, ect... The kids still miss him when gone but as soon as he arrives at his destination he will call and tell them all about his trip, what he saw and so on.. We believe that it makes it much easier on the kids to handle since they are used to him working from home and have been "spoiled" so to speak, when it comes to having both parents at home all day, every day. You are right!! He should tell them in advance!! After all, do you really want your children afraid that every time daddy leaves he might not be back for a few days or weeks?? That is not fair to them! Point that one out to him and see what he has to say about that!! haha Good luck, men are so hard headed!! ;)

I totally agree with you. My husband was an over the road truck driver and he was gone for 3 weeks at a time and only home for 3 days. It was very hard for the kids. I found that as soon as I knew when he was leaving they new. We also spent Daddy time before he left, just 1 on 1 time with each of them. It did not need to be alot just 30 min, 15 min what ever he could spare. It was sooooooooooo important to them to get that time with him. I also set up a chart of good deeds. for every good deed he got a star, for every star he got money to go shopping with daddy just the 2 of them and he could by anything or do anything he wanted. This allowed him to be good while he was gone to earn stuff for them to play with or money to have daddy take them to certain play places in the area. He loved it and it made daddy leaving exciting.

If Daddy makes leaving a bad thing the kids will respond badly.

That is what worked for us, I hope this has been helpful.

Hi R.,

I think this really depends on the age of the boys. I would definitely tell the older one in advance (I'm guessing he's at least 5).

Schedules and routines are very important to children. I would tell them (but only a day or two in advance - again this depends on their ages) when the whole family was together, like at meal time.

I think it really depends on the age of the kids (you don't say). If the boys are very young (under 5), I wouldn't give them to advance notice as they only have an attention span of about 45 mins anyway. So a day or 2 tops is what I'd do for kids that young. If their older, I'd give them more notice. They are much more capable of understanding what is going on and comprehending what is going on in their environment. My hubby just went away for a week and my kids are little (4yrs and 15 mos) and we didn't give them any notice at all really. But if your kids are older then yes they need notice. If their little and you tell them to many days in advance they won't remember anyway and you'll have to go through the tears every time you tell them.

My husband has travelled quite frequently for as long as our children have been around (26, 21, 19 -- some still in the house at times). They deserve to know ahead of time, particularly the older ones, who may have thought Dad would be included in an activity. It's much better to know in advance than after he's gone; it does minimize the whining. They are also old enough to know what Dad does, why he travels, where he goes. Use it as a geography lesson, a lesson in how businesses work, etc. I wonder why your husband doesn't want to tell them. If he doesn't want to hear the whining, then he should be matter-of-fact about his going away -- it's just part of the job and he'll be back soon. He should also call them and talk to each one , preferably every day, while he is away. That way he's still in contact, can find out how a test went, a game they played in, what their best friend is up to, etc. Once my husband started to maintain contact via phone -- an now texting, of course, since they all text non-stop -- the separations became much easier. Our oldest now calls to see if dad's in town on a particular night so he can drop in to visit and share a bottle of wine! Communication is SOOO important! Good luck.

I agree with you. I feel it helps the child get use to the idea. I do that with my four year old, he is sometimes upset, but it helps him understand and accept it more as he gets use to the idea.

It really depends on the ages and personalities of the kids. I've been traveling with my job(s) before my kids were born, now ages 12 and 9. In their toddler days, there was no need to tell them, however, I had to prep Daddy waaayyyy in advance. Once they started school, I did let them know weeks in advance since a change to their routines usually resulted in family dynamic chaos. Short notice usually resulted in sleepless nites for my daughter so advance notice was a must. As with most things, the more this becomes a routine, the better they will adapt and adjust to it. In essence, I agree with you. Good luck.

Hi R., although I understand that your husband doesn't want to make his kids unhappy by telling them in advance about his departures, I agree with you that they should be told in advance. Once they get used to the idea that the trips are just a part of life with Dad, they will be more confident that he will eventually return and everything will go back to normal. I'm sure the suddenness of his absence or the tension they feel between you and your husband distresses them. Hopefully, you can convince your husband that for the better good, all should be aware of upcoming trips. I wish you luck!

I agree, your kids deserve to know what is going on in the family including when a parent is going to be gone for a while. Given the ages of your children they can certianly be told a day or two in advance. I absoultely agree that children do far better when they are prepared for changes. I tell my 2 year old a little in advance and it seems to help--whether it is a 10 minute warning before we leave the playground or a few days before we go on a family trip together.

BTW before having a family I was a case worker for children in foster care and they often had no idea what would happen next in their lives. I found that sitting down and talking to each child about what definitley would happen next and what was likely to happen next helped tremendously. It cut down their anxiety and related behaviors to a much more managable level. It was also therapeutic because some children had little or no expereince with an adult being honest and trustworthy. Obviously your kids aren't in this kind of an extreme situation but the concept is similar.

I agree with you completely. It's very important that the boys know their father's plans, so they don't feel abandoned.If they are old enough to talk, they can understand, but to wake up in the morning and discover dad is gone is cruel. I have a son in the Navy and his children (4 & 2) know when he has to go out to sea and are sad to see him go, but also know he will be back, because he discusses it with them.
On the flip side I wouldnt tell them when he is expected home, in case he is delayed and they are disappointed. Just tell them in a couple of days or a week, nothing specific.

Hi R.,

My husband travels quite often. He actually is leaving on Thursday for France. We have 2 boys (ages 4 and 19 months)and we've always told them that daddy is leaving for work a few days ahead of time. Obviously this is more for our oldest at this point. It helps them prepare that they won't be seeing their dad for a long time. (He'll be gone for 9 days this trip). We also have my husband do a lot of the bedtime duties the last 2 or 3 nights he is home so that he can spend as much time with the kids as possible. Sometimes we bring him to the airport and sometimes he drives himself.

Good luck while your husband is away. If you need someone to talk to while you're playing "single mommy", get in touch with me! I completely understand what you're going through.

Hi R.. I agree with you and believe there is less stress for the children when they are given advanced notice, either in their dad's travel schedule or any other activity that will change their regular schedule. My husband travels just a few times per year, and when we honestly forget to tell the kids (because it is so rare, and mostly overnight, so what's the big deal, right?), they are upset because they did not know about it. That's it - the more kids are informed about family issues, the better they can handle them. Hopefully your husband's view might change.

You couldn't be more correct. Telling them last minute could leave them feeling abandoned and that could last a long time. It seems that your husband is doing it for himself and not for the kids. Everything is easier when you have time to deal with it.
Hope it helps,
J

Hi R.~
When I was growing up, my dad would travel every few months for work and was gone for about a week at a time. My parents always talked at the dinner table so when he knew, she would find out that day and we'd hear about it at dinner. I do realize that I grew up in a time when families ate dinner together, sitting around a table and that now so much of that has changed, but I do believe it is important to tell the children together the sooner the better. Let them know that it's he'll be back soon (or give a specific date), mark it on a calendar and give them the opportunity to mark off the days until his return.
It is extremely important that you do this together so you aren't viewed as the "bad guy" or the one that bears bad news. Children will change things 5 ways from Sunday and you being the one to tell them he's going (or is already gone) is completely unfair to you. You and your husband need to be on the same page, so to speak, in your parenting. Otherwise, it could have a long term effect on your children. When you are a parent, you are teaching your children how to parent their own children and teaching them how a married couple interacts with their children.
I wish you the best of luck, R..
J.~

Hi R.,

I think you are 100% correct.

But I notice that anything can work in a family
if everyone is in agreement.
I mean, even not telling them can work, if you both
agree that is how you want to handle it.

But you both are not agreeing and since YOU have to live with the results, than its in your best interest to sit your husband down and set up how you both are going to handle his leaving on trips.

Write it out step by step what you want to happen 1 hour before, 3 hours before, a day before, a week before. Put it on a post up board and make it part of your family tradition something positive and loving.
Go over all details with your husband.
Come to a final decision.
Go over final decision together with the kids.

Than let it go and move on with your life.

Don't let it become a struggle in your relationship.

Good Luck!

When there's going to be any change to the day-to-day schedule (mom or dad going out of town, visitors coming,or even play dates or special events), I'll tell our boys 2-5 days in advance (the boys are 3-1/2 and 2). Sometimes I'll also show them the calendar to help them better understand how the week will go.
I think my husband honestly doesn't think about his trips until the night he's packing so I will tell the kids to get them prepared.

I agree with you that the children should be told when you are all together. I tend to think children need time to adjust to change and they also need their Dads support. If it's handled with a positive attitude by both you and your husband I don't think the children will feel they are being abandon by him every time he goes off on a business trip.
I don't think your husband is respecting his children's feelings.

You don't say how old your boys are, but their age and what they can handle is part of the consideration. I travel a lot for work (about 1 week out of 4 this past year). My daughter is 5, and I now tell her the day before (although a lot of times this is at night when I'm tucking her in to bed and I may be leaving in the morning before she gets up). I probably have only been regularly telling her for about a year.

She has had many different reactions, from wanting to go too, to telling me she won't be home when I get back because she is flying to whatever state I was travelling to, but she's not leaving until right before I come home, so we won't see each other.

I do think that if your sons are not babies, he should tell them ahead of time. If he tells them when he is going and for how long, they'll have a better idea of what to expect and won't always be afraid he could be leaving them at any moment.

You're absolutely right about advanced warning preparing the children to accept the departure of daddy. So, children will learn to understand overtime and later accept it after crying and whining as the way of life in their household. Unfortunately, your husband disagrees because he doesn't want to put up with their crying and nagging for days before he departs but rather wait until the last hour and leave you to handle all the fuss after he's gone. If it goes on too long and really affects the children and your relationship with your husband, then seek family counseling. Most men, even the calmest men, cannot put up with children's crying, whining, and nagging.

Hi R.,

While i don;t have first hand experience with this, my dad used to travel alot and i remember my mom used to prep my brother and me prior to his leaving... she would let us know in advance probably a day or two... make it sound exciting..."dad's going to be away for a bit... he'll bring you a gift etc".... and made sure we did fun stuff while he was away... we would almost always talked to him on the phone every night before sleeping. FInally my dad always had to get us a momento when he traveled... it was not expensive... just a small token.. somehow it was comforting...

On the other hand, if your kids are old enough, you might want to talk to them independently about your husband traveling... help them understand that its part of his job and just cause he leaves for the airport, doesnt mean he isnt comming back... most of the time, kids cry because they are insecure...

I think you are right, yes plans change and he may have to listen to the cries of "why do you have to go daddy?"but lets be honest, how can they as children feel safe and seccure in their relationship with someone when they never know if he's going to be there when they wake up...or come home from school....whatever the case may be...absolutely there will be times when something comes up and he may have to leave w/o notice...but that should be rare, not the norm. Kids do so much better when they are scheduled and informed(on a level that is age appropriate). I guess my big question is WHY doesn't he want to tell them?