Need Advise Really Bad...

I agree... find a way to go see her. Take as much time as you can afford off from work... or take several long weekends. She needs you there with her. How sad, that is just the unimaginable. :-(

I'll just add, to the great answers you got here, that www.spals.org is also a great listserv for women (also men sometimes) who've lost a pregnancy or child. It stands for Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss but you don't have to be contemplating another pregnancy, necessarily, to join.
I'm so glad for her that she has someone who cares for her so much in her life.

My friends lost their son last year so I have witnessed what extreme pain and grief goes with losing a child...it has been an incredibly difficult road for my friend (words can't even describe it). They have started a blog to talk about their story-if you think it might help for her to read it, here it is:
http://mourningformicah.blogspot.com/ Also, my friends have looked into a couple of other resources that help families who have lost children (at any age): http://www.smileagainministries.com/ (I personally know the couple that runs this and they are awesome) http://www.faithslodge.org/ (one of my good friends also works here) Of course your cousin has to be at a place where she is able to step out and seek/accept help, but she might just need some time to get to that place. What a wonderful cousin and friend you are to be seeking help for her. Our friends have told us the thing that has helped them the most over the past year was when friends made an effort to be with them and talk about their son (rather than avoiding the subject). Everyone is different, but I you might keep that in mind wtih your cousin. I will pray for your family as you come to mind-it's going to be a tough road ahead but you all will make it through and your cousin is blessed to have family members like you that will stand by her through this!

You drop what you are doing and make arrangements to go take care of her. She needs someone to carry her through some of this! She needs someone to go in and take over for her as she grieves. Her husband needs someone to come in and care for him and those boys need someone to take care of them. They are all grieving and need someone who will meet their needs to give them time to do so. It may take a week or so of feeding, clothing and nurturing before she will be able to go see someone. Having family there to cover for her so she can grieve is worth more than silver or gold. Find someone she can go to for help and take her there yourself. Let her know you are there to hold her hand all the way, to catch her if she needs to fall. I will be praying for her and her family! I am sorry to hear of her loss and think that it is awesome that you are asking what it is that you can do to help her.

She has got to go see her family doctor. Someone she knows and trusts. Even her ob/gyn will do. They will be able to refer her to someone who specializes in these topics. They will be able to put her on medication that will help her see the end of this long terrible tunnel. Is there any way you can go and stay with her for a few days until she can do this? Can someone? Please do this for her. She won't get any better until you do.
God bless you.

I lost my son at 32 weeks gestation due to a cord accident. Because of this, his twin sister was forced to be born at 32 weeks gestation and to spend time in NICU for 4 weeks. I can tell you that although this happened in 2008, I am still not "over" the loss of my son and I never will be. It was incredibly difficult to take the time out to grieve the loss of my son while at the same time, rejoicing the birth of my daughter. This was our first pregnancy after 5 years of fertility treatments so it was especially h*** o* us.

Grieving the loss of a child is ugly. So ugly that I needed to see a therapist for some months in order to learn how to deal with the grief. Our families live 1700 miles away from us; I had to rely on myself, my husband, my therapist, a wonderful Stillbirth online support group, and my beautiful newborn daughter to carry me through the tought times. I have learned over time that the grief never completely goes away; you just happen to wake up one morning and realize that it doesn't hurt so much anymore to carry it with you day after day.

Please tell your cousin that you want to come visit her, to be there for her. She may not want company right now (trust me when I tell you there were days that I just wanted the entire world to leave me the hell alone while other days, I was afraid to be by myself with my own thoughts).

My thoughts and prayers are with her while she travels on this long and hard journey.

Try to find a way of going to visit with her & the boys... it will help her to be able to talk face to face w/ someone & for you to wrap your arms around her & comfert her.

Also, a month is not a long time for greiving a child... we lost my brother 20 yrs ago - he was 9 yrs old when we lost him, but it took my mom a long time to work through it. At one point she ended up in the hospital for depression & was finaly told by her docs "you can die for the one you lost or live for the 3 you still have at home" - to her it was a slap in the face, but she was always a heavy woman over 200# and was down to 85# and so weak she couldn't even walk. They were only telling her the truth... she had to choose which one she wanted to do. She did choose to live for us, but it was still a long road... it took her almost a year to walk to the mailbox to get the mail, because she could see the spot he was hit. I understand that the situations are different, but she still lost a child... I don't know about you, but I was attached to my babies before they were here. And if she is saying "it's my girl" she was already attached & has lost a huge part of her.

I also don't know if counseling once a month is enough for her... if the family is starting to feel the stress - it's time for her to get even more help! Maybe in a few months or a year when she starts to deal with the loss she can cut back to once a month, but for now - I think she should go once a week atleast.

From what I just found on the net... some docs recomment 3 c-sections as the max, but there is actually no cut off on the # you can have. Just that because of scarring the c-sections can become more difficult with each one you have. But until she is able to accept & deal with loosing her little girl - I wouldn't mention her getting prego again. Only because it may seem as if the baby didn't mean anything to you & right now she needs to know other lost her specail gift as well.

With my brother - my sister & I were told by everyone we trusted "you didn't loose anything, your parents did & you need to be strong for them - you can't cry after all you didn't loose anything". Years later and I mean years... we did finaly sit down w/ my mom & talk to her about our brother. She saw us cry for the first time for him - it was almost 12 yrs after we lost him. She question us about why we never cried for him & we told her - I've never seen my mom so mad. She told us "she took everything so hard because she felt she was the only one who missed him, since everyone keep going on with life as if he didn't matter. Once again, I know the situation is different, but it is her child & she needs to know the baby mattered to others also. She needs to know she isn't alone in here greif & her kids are to young to "help" her with this and her hubby is doing what he has to to take care of the family & get through it himself. Do all that you can to be there for her... she needs it.

My feeling is that monthly grief counseling is not enough. I would encourage you to get her to a therpist despite her resistance. Persuade her in as encouraging a way as possible. Does she realize that her children are feeliing the stress? Perhaps they could be some motivation for her to get regular help.

Gods speed to all of you.

K.

I am so sorry for your cousin. I, too, had a stillborn baby, who was born at 7 months gestation. They never knew the cause of the loss. The pregnancy had been totally normal and no genetic abnormalities. And one day, I just stopped feeling him move. It was our first pregnancy. (I went on to have a little girl a year later and twin boys 2 years after that).
I can tell you that our loss was probably the worst thing I ever went through. The grief and constant panic and anxiety were just awful. It's really all I could think about for a very long time. With me, I at least knew I could try to get pregnant again. If your cousin cannot have another child (as you suspect), the loss is that much more difficult.
What helped me (and basically saved my life) was an amazing on-line support group called SHARE. The website is www.nationalshare.org.
It is a pregnancy and infant loss support group and there are amazing message boards for women who are going through what your cousin is going through and can understand the emotions. For instance, when I lost our baby, I couldn't even LOOK at another woman who was pregnant without being in a total state of panic and without wanting to scream. I found out on SHARE that my feelings were totally normal and that most (if not all) women who have lost babies have that same feeling. It's one of those things where, unless you've gone through it, it's hard to understand.

Please let her know about the support group. You are doing an amazing thing by being there for her. Just keep listening to her. Ask if she needs help with her boys. Help make meals or to do school pick ups.

Here are things you should NOT say: "it was for a reason," "the baby must have been sick" "You can always have another" "at least you have 2 other children" "you need to move on" "get over it, already". Those are things people always say and, for some reason, they are very annoying to women who have lost babies....

Keep up the support. You are a wonderful cousin!

Dear Carmi,

Your cousin is in a state of grief and depression and should not be alone, with young children in the home. I don’t mean to alarm you but as you may know there have been instances where mothers have killed their children and later it was discovered that they were suffering from severe mental disorders. This could be especially dangerous when grief in compounded by postpartum depression.

If your cousin will agree, someone in the family should offer to take care of her children for a week or so. Her doctor should speak with her husband so he is clear about the seriousness of the situation. You are right to be asking for advice...your cousin needs help.

Blessings.....

I think if at all possible, try to take some time to be with her and her kids.
It's bad enough to loose a baby to an early miscarriage, I cannot imagine what she is going through. Very traumatic and sad. Yes, she is mad at God right now, that is a normal stage of grief. She will go through them all until she arrives at acceptance. That could be soon or that could take decades, but each stage needs to be worked through to complete the grieving process.
I don't think a parent that looses a child is EVER the same again and it is unimaginable pain.
Be there for her physically (if you can), and emotionally. She does have two children that need her very much. Se is showing signs of clinical depression and I would urge her to see a doctor. Sometimes medication can help people get through the times when they don't even want to wake up and get out of bed. The rest of the healing will follow. Good luck. You're an awesome cousin.

I lost a baby too, not that late in the preg but a loss is a loss. I hated when people said God took my son, it mad me more angry than anything. She needs to mourn her son and mourning doesn't always look pretty. Can you go over and help her out with her kids. I think they need love and attention more than taking the mom out.

Joanna
Mom to 3 girls ages 9, 7 and 6

Hi Carmi,
I am so sorry for your cousin and her terrible loss.
Quite honestly, I think that what she is going through is quite normal. Her baby died. This was nearly a term pregnancy. You don't "get over" the death of your baby in a few short weeks. Feeling lost and not sure of where the day went, just a few weeks after your baby has died is still normal. You don't go back to your old self a few weeks or even a few months later. People often think that in a couple of weeks, you go back to normal life, and they stop calling, stop bringing dinner, stop offering to take the other kids for the day and are uncomfortable with the bereaved parents talking about their loss and their baby. I would suggest that you help your cousin find a support group for bereaved parents who have had a stillbirth or infant loss.
While your support must mean so much to her, it will really help her to interact with people who really do understand, because they have been though it.
<<dont think she will be able to have any more after this due to the fact that all of her babies where c sections and i think that after three you are not allowed to have more but dont know>> No one can forbid you to have more children, no one has the power to "allow" a woman to have children or not. It is not recommended to have more than TWO cesareans because the risk of uterine rupture increases dramatically after two.

You need to advise her to speak to a medical doctor. First of all the grief but she could also be post partum and the combination is not good. Her OBGYN should have a screening tool that you cousin should take. She might need medication at this time. Post Paryum can be very dangerous and with the childs death I am sure the pain is unbearable. A month is a minute when you are talking about such a tragedy. It sometimes many years to recover. However, the situation needs to be safe.
There are many grief groups around, they need one that meets more often than once a month. They should also find one with others who have lost children. This seems to help people.

I am a mental health clinician and this is making me nervous. She needs at least to speak to her PCP or her OBGYN now.

My sincere condolances go out to your cousin, her family, & you. I lost my first son at 24 weeks under different circumstances & blamed myself for a long time. I also had "survivor's guilt". You are doing a great thing by keeping in constant contact with her. A lot of times, people don't know what to say, so they back away. She really needs to see a therapist more often than her monthly grief counseling. My experience w/ those groups is that people just tell their story over & over w/ no way of moving through the pain. This is a death & she won't get over it anytime soon. It will get easier to cope over time, but it could take years. She won't be back to "normal" anytime soon, I can assure you of that. She may need to temporarily be put on some meds & she definitely needs to see a therapist more often. Maybe you could speak with her husband to find out her doctor's name if she doesn't want to tell you. Then, you could call her doctor to explain the situation to they are aware & can offer advice or they can contact her directly. The main thing is that even though she is hurting & grieving, she has two little boys that need her. She needs to get better for them because it will effect them. It sounds stupid & trite, but she needs to "act" happy & put on a smiling face. As dopey as that sounds, sometimes it does work. It won't ease her pain, but it will help get her going in the right direction. I hope her husband is as supportive as you are. I'm sure he's grieving in his own way, as well. I wish your cousin well.

Dear Carmi, First, I will pray for your cousin and her family. This is a very difficult time for all. I am sure she is mad at God as anger is the first stage of grief. I am sure she is very depressed which is understandable. What she needs is time and prayer. I am sure your calls are helpful... she may just need to talk about how she feels. The boys do need someone around for some stability. They must be so upset about how their mom is feeling. I am sure thd dad is concerned too. If she is connected with any church there may be someone who will come to see her in person. Not sure what else to say. If there is a neighbor or someone... try to get in touch. Maybe you can take the ride on the weekend. She needs hugs and compassion. With love, Grandma Mary

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If you can help with the chores around the house, or cooking for the family that is so much bigger then a lot of people realize. Her grief will continue forever. She lost a child and no parent should face that. It takes so much time to get back to "normal" and really the best thing you can do is be there for her in what ever ways you can manage. If you ever start to fell like her boys are in danger then you may want to become more aggressive with your help but right now what she is going through and feeling is completely normal. I will say a prayer for her and her family. They help too. I'm sorry for the loss your whole family is feeling.

I am so sorry for your family's loss. I lost a baby boy last year and I was I mess for a few months. My 2 kids were my only light and joy to help me get through. There's a website www.myforeverchild.com that has helped me. The woman who started iit s a friend of mine. She designs jewlery for parents who have lost children. I have a necklace with my son's footprints in it. My friend lost a baby and I got her a gift certificate from the site. She choose to get a healing necklace. Maybe something like that could give her some sense of comfort. Just continue to be there for here.

Call and talk her into getting help. If she still refuses call her hubby and talk to him. He may not be aware of how she really is doing. I know that sounds stupid but my husband had no idea how I really was after a miscarriage until I completely fell apart and couldn't leave the house. Men are often blind and clueless, not out of not caring but just because their not there or we can fake it for a while when the hubby is around. She needs help ASAP. It could be harmful long term for her but also the other children. If need be make the 2 hour drive and see her. It took counseling, meds and time for me to recover and I no longer am getting counsling or on meds but still have problems with panic attacks. She won't ever "get over it" but a counselor will help her deal with it and keep living. She needs help. A.

I totally agree with the others that you should find a way to go and see her. She and her sons need you right now.

Also-I never heard of a limit on the amount of c-sections that you can have.