Need Advise on Protecting Our Reputation

Hey K.,

I am a teacher and was raised in a home where we cared for a lot of children who did wind up in the system because of truly abusive parents. The system isn't perfect and I totally understand your concerns, but there is a protocol and the school followed it. They really can't talk to you about it, as unfair to you as that is. The state and school's priority has to be the child.

They may not be behaving the way they are because of thinking you are guilty of this. They could be feeling guilty for having made a wrong call, for example. Take the fact that they didn't report it as trust that they decided his responses were honest ones. It sounds like you might still be needing to talk about it or feeling angry, embarassed etc. (Which is perfectly understandable!).

Your feelings and need to discuss it in order to move on (while again, perfectly understandable) might be contributing to why they have been so standoffish and uncomfortable. It is probably really awkward for them just like it is worriesome for you. No teacher likes to report such a thing because it strains relationships and can mean really difficult things for the child no matter what the outcome. They are leagally required to say something if they have any question and are strongly encouraged to err on the side of caution. As you said, they are concerned about the safety of their students and are doing the right thing by checking it out. That doesn't make it any less difficult for any of you that were in the situation that it happened.

I suggesting that you give it a month or so to blow over - allowing the people at the school and yourself a little space. It won't hurt your son at all to sort of take a month off from family so - to - speak during the school days. He has you in the afternoons and on the weekends. I assure you, it is clear that you are a loving, present mother and he knows it whether you are at school or not. Then, ease your way back in. It will probably be more comfortable for you too!

Good Luck!
R.

PS in regard to the next advice on the list, they are required to send the transcript themselves (or at least that used to be the case) because there are people out there that would tamper with it. However, you can also request a copy of the transcript for yourselves, that way you know what is in his file.

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wow! That sounds terrible! Would you be willing to tell us what school that is?? Probably not, as I'm sure you don't want to have any more trouble.
If you really think they are going to ding your son in his file, I think you may just write your concerns in a letter to the principle, just as you have stated them here, and request that they be included in your child's file.
But I suggest one more meeting with the principle to try and communicate your feelings. Maybe it's just a miscommunication problem.

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I suggest you have another meeting with the principal - this time with the superintendent there. You ahve a right to be at school with your child. Don't give up, and don't let the principal discourage you. If all else fails, go to the school board and tell them what's going on.

Good luck!

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Most California school districts are now limiting the presence of parents when they are unannounced or not preplanned. You have to sign in and be fingerprinted in order to volunteer also. I know that we used to suggest that the volunteering be done in the grade below or above where the child was instead of their own room. It is amazing how different the child would behave with their parent in the room. By the way I am a retired elementary teacher. School records can be viewed in the main office if you request it. You will need to sign in to see what is in there. You are also allowed by law to request negative comments to be erased from the cum folders. In 34 years I never saw negative comments or references to things like you speak of. Also if you desire to have lunch with your student you can sign them out for lunch time and eat in the car or go to a picnic spot and then return them and sign them back in when class will start. I hope this helps.

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It seems that every school pricipal has their strenghts and weakneses, and many are not great with the communication. If it helps at all, know that they are concerned about the children and attempting to protect them. They see many different types of situations, and probably kneejerk into thinking the worst instead of leaning toward giving a parent the benefit of the doubt. If you are concerned about what is being placed in you childs folder, you have the right to review his file, and to respond to things that you do not believe should be in there, or are of a questionable nature. I have also been subjected to being escorted off campus when I have attempted to join my kids for lunch, and I really don't have any understanding of this policy at all! As far as a teacher turning down donations to the classroom, that is truely odd. I have had teachers that don't want parent help, for what ever reason, and others that are not excited about the kids being allowed parties, but if they are acepting treats and donations from other parents, and not you I would attempt to talk to her. I any case, make sure your son knows that you are tying to be there. I too gave up a career so I would be able to raise my children, and it drives me nuts to have strangers tell me they know what is best for my kids. I integrated myself so deeply in the committee's at school, they have to trip over me at every corner! Maybe you could sign you son out of school once in a while, and have lunch together off campus. Good luck!

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I would just come right out and discuss it with the principal. Come right out and talk about being uncomfortable and that it is very unfair if you are being misjudged. Talk about all of the feelings you have and ask why you can't have lunch etc. you should not be uncomfortable nor should you worry about the next school. you need to talk about how ridiculous this is and how you feel.

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K., I don't think they can put anything in your sons transcripts, that there was no followup reports done, I would ask for a copy of them. Sometimes schools like to send the transcripts themselves to the child's new school, but in this case I would just tell them to give the transcripts to you, because you are not sure what school your son will be attending. J.

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Hi K.,
It is possibly the new principals policy to not allow visiters in school. Each Principal has their own policies. I don't understand turning down the voluneer work, unless they turn it down from EVERYONE. I would talk to the principal about the policies without bringing up the past.

As for the bruising, they said his explanation was fine, so I would leave it at that. It is their job to check into that and we have to appreciate that. So many times bad things happen to children and we ask how this got passed everyone. I know it doesn't feel good to have someone check on you as parents, but it is for your son's protection. Any doctor or hospital nurse would ask the same thing and they would ask him not you.

My daughter is two and has had a busted lip, her two front teeth knocked back in her gums, and her head split. I fear one day they will ask the same thing since she has had so many injuries. In fact they kind of did ask a lot of questions when she split her head...I had the blood all over my arms because I picked her up and was holding her.

Best of luck.
C.

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Legally, you can sit in the classroom ALL DAY if you like as long as you do not disrupt the children from learning. The teacher can turn down the volunteering but she cannot reject your presence.

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Working at a school, we are required/mandated to report injuries to our superiors to ensure that there is nothing happening to the child. I am sure the school was just ensuring that your child was fine otherwise you would have been contacted by family services. I work with special needs children and we sometimes have a hard time getting the real stories out of the students so have to err on the side of child safety. I would not worry about it.

As for volunteering at school, showing up for lunch with a toddler at school would not go over well at any of my child's schools. The schools are secure from visitors unless those visitors have PTA id badges and are requested volunteers. Unless it was a PTA lunch day, visitors are not allowed. Children would need to be left at home due to liability issues (we have had siblings get hurt running around or causing distractions). Most moms with small children take work home for the teachers. Some of my daughter's teachers wanted in class help, but some found the moms unreliable or would chat away with each other distracting the learning process. I would simply send a kind note to the teacher asking how you can help out the classroom (donations, cutting, copying etc)...helping out PTA is usually a fantastic way to help. BOX TOPS coordinators don't need to be at school and you could do that at home without getting a sitter.

I wouldn't worry about your situation or your reputation!!! :)

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K.,
I am so sorry to have to be exposed to such ignorance, Paranoid people.
You know what you are doing and I would leave it at that. Hold your head high and move on. You do not have to answer to that principal. You are also the mother of that child and you have the right to go and have lunch with your child unless polices have changed.
Be glad you are moving from that school.

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AS a former employee of the school district in CA and a child protection worker in Denver, there should be nothing following him (documentation) unless they call Social Services. Hang in there....being involved in our schools is probably the most important thing we can do!

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In Canada we have the right called the Freedom of Information and Privacy act to view anything that is written about us in any public document. So, court files including evidence against us prior to trial, school records of a child in our care, medical records. I am not sure if there is a rule down there that is enforced federally, but if you write to the public school board and superintendant that you would like a copy of your childs school file, then you will be able to see what has been written.

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Good morning K.,
Take a deep breath and let it go. It's not a problem unless you make it one. Think of the child that is abused. You would want the school to care. They asked their questions and it's over. Some principals are more friendly than others and it sounds like your's is new. Maybe just getting to know the community. If you put all your energy into this it will stress you and your family out. Wipe it off and keep moving forward. Get back to the business of living your life.

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Good for you stay at home! If you have concerns about this situation take your child to your doctor explain your concerns and have him examed and documented in his health file the bruses. The school nurse would be a good contact person for you. Tell her your concerns about your sons bruses and you want to make sure if she see's anything unusual on your son to please call you right away and visa versa. And you will be taking your son to your doctor just to make sure your son is not being beat up by a bully at the school and afarid to tell anyone. In form the teacher and the prinicipal as well. Put the responibilty on the school and they will know you and your husband are proactive. Good luck! P.

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K., Don't worry about his transcripts having any personal info. They only have grades and behavior. Just be glad you won't have to put up with this principal anymore and start fresh at his new school. If I were you and I was completly discouraged by the principals behavior I would write a letter to the superintendent of the school addressing your concern and send a copy to the principal. It might help the way he treats kids and their parents in the future! Stay-at-home moms are the best, keep up the good work!

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Transcripts and cumulative files are different things. Ask to see his cum file. It probably wouldnt have this incident in there, but you will never know what it has until you go thru it. (I was a teacher before i had kids). I know that they were just following protocol, so I wouldnt worry too much more about the nurse checking it out with your son.
As far as the other stuff, you need to talk to them directly. Ask them point blank what their policy is and why you are getting escorted out when you used to be able to have lunch with your son etc. It could be a school policy, in which case the last principal was not enforcing due to his/her personal relationship with you. As another poster said, they cant check out every parent, so a no visitor policy is protecting everyone. You should be glad they are this diligent about it, as it sounds, they were not so in the past with the old principal. Be careful however, this could backfire on you too. Making you appear pushy, demanding and difficult, raising red flags. At the new school stay as involved as you can, but dont overstep your boundaries he needs his space at school. Help out in the classroom/pta, buy supplies, go to school functions, attend back to school night etc. Good luck!

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K.,
Have you considered calling in an attorney for some advice? I don't think that the situation would get escalated but at least get some documentation for your piece of mind. I feel that the relationship between me and my son's schools staff would play an important part in ensuring that he has a good environment to grow. I'm very disapointed that someone who has experience and education (the principal) would react without basic understanding of child rearing. It's just sad that there are so many loving parents that get insinuated because of child abusers. If I put my self in your shoes, I would most likely obsessed about it. Don't feel like you did anything wrong, we as parents have to stop putting the blame on ourselves for things that we have no control. I try to make that my mantra....stress the word TRY.
Good luck to you and your family, everything will be okay.

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These days, parents and school staff alike are a bit paranoid. No one wants to be accused of looking the other way and avoiding warning signs, especially when they can be held legally liable if they do. On the other hand, kids get hurt, for goodness sake. Quite often, my kids won't even remember what caused an injury. I often look down at my own legs in the shower and think, "Huh, where did that bruise come from?" I've also scratched an itch, only to discover that it itched because it was bleeding, and have no idea how I cut myself. But if anyone asks, they're completely suspicious if the answer is, "I don't know," or, "I guess I fell down." The joys of modern life, huh?

I don't know what state you live in, but in some states the law sides with the school and some with the parents as far as privacy issues. My advice would be to not worry too much about what the records say, because most of the new administrators and teachers will form an opinion based on seeing your family, not on a single mention in the paperwork (especially since they were satisfied by your son's answers.) And you can't please everyone - some people will watch you and feel that you're smothering and controlling, and they'll second guess your every move, when others will see THE EXACT SAME ACTIONS and decide that you are an amazing, involved parent, and wish they had more like you at the school. Every teacher and principal will have their own comfort level as far as visits, siblings coming along, and the like. Be sure to ask at the beginning of the year, and honor what their wishes are.

Don't stress out too much! :)

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one word: HOMESCHOOL!

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The whole situation seems awfully strange. I don't blame you for being upset. HAve you spoken to any of the other parents? I don't have much to offer in terms of advice except to say that maybe it's a good thing you are leaving. You know that you and your husband have done nothing wrong but the silent accusation is unnerving. Are you the only parent that is denied lunch with a sibbling and volunteering? Then if so it is worth looking into. Maybe another meeting with the principal if things continue to be this uncomfortable And this time it would be nice to have a more definite and honest repsonse from the school.
Otherwise continue tobe the supportive nuturing mother that you are to your children.

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Years ago, I was accused of "consciously starving my baby" by the nurse assisting my doctor. I was very concerned and offended by her comment. The teacher of the baby class I was taking told me to report it to my doctor. When I did, he had the nurse come in so I could officially identify her. I found out from my new doctor that the nurse was fired that day.

In the meantime, I was advised to gather quotes from friends, neighbors, family, a variety of people who would witness my character on paper. The gal teaching the baby class had been a nurse for 25 years and cautioned me of the "take your baby, ask questions later" attitude of Social Services. This scared me to death, but I did what she said and Social Services never came to my door.

My advise is to document the attitudes of those you've encountered at school, report the guilty attitude and actions of the school to the school district and cc the principal, meet with your son's teacher and get her personal view - if good, get her to write a supportive letter for your records only (assure her the principal won't see them or she may not provide it for you for fear of losing her job), . . . basically, gather as much supportive documentation as you can before you leave. Once you arrive at your new school, have a professional letter ready to present for your records, in case the present school has dirtied your reputation.

I've been a teacher for eighteen years (taught in both public, private, and home education).
I've seen a lot, been a part of a lot, and prayed to God through it all!

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The only way this would be on his records if there was an incident report done, then it goes into his records, like you husband said I am greatful the school at leasts cares enough to ask a kid if he is ok, and check on him. You can ask to get a copy of his records call your local school districk office request to veiw his records. About the principle, she or he has no right to escort you off the school grounds, if you wanted to have lunch with him check into the office first, so thy know your on school property, then go and lunch with him, I used to eat lunch in the cafe once a week with my kids they loved it, plus I would help clean up after ward.

I dont mind a strick principle, means at least they are watching your kids good.

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Hi. I'm a 3rd grade teacher and prior to becoming a teacher, I was a school secretary for 10 years. I am also the mom of three adult children. Please allow me to give you advice from an educator and experienced mom's point of view.
I'm going to be blunt; I hope you are open to receiving this advice. You're being paranoid. You handled the situation perfectly. If anything was going on you certainly would not have made an appointment with the principal the next day. Kuddos to you. I don't believe the school thinks poorly of you but I can tell you that they had to investigate the bruises. Actually, you were pretty lucky they didn't report it to child protective services because that's what they are suppose to do, by law. They saved you a heap of embarrassment.
I think your involvement in the school is great and you're doing what you should, however, I can see a potential problem with you going to school to have lunch with your son. It might be disruptive to bring your 2 year old and it would be very unusual at my school for a parent to have lunch with their child at school. At my school, any student beyond 2nd grade, having lunch with their mom (on campus) would be very out of place. It might even subject the child to teasing. If I were you, I would take him off grounds for lunch. And as far as helping the teacher in the classroom...of course you would have to leave your 2 year old with a babysitter. I think most teachers would love to have a helper but most often parents do not keep their committments. For instance, I have a mom that comes to help every Thursday. Problem is, she rarely comes every Thursday and hardly ever at the time she said she would. Sometimes teachers get frustrated with that and often they discourage parent helpers. If I were you, I would approach the teacher and say, "Please let me know if you need help. I'm open to doing things at home or if you have a special project coming up I can help with that too. Just know that I'm here if you need me." I'm wondering if you want to help in the classroom to observe the teacher and your child or are you really wanting to help the teacher. Maybe the teacher senses this??? Anyway, my advice to you is this: You have a 2 year old. During the day, focus on your 2 year old and send your 9 year old off to school happily. Ask about your 9 year old's day and look over his homework when he is done. Continue to be supportive of the school and never-ever
let your child hear you say that you liked the former principal better than this new one. You'll be fine at the new school as long as you listen to this advice. Good luck!

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Hi K., I am a mom and a school counselor (formerly in K-6, now 7-8). Questioning kids about suspicious bruises is all in a days work for support staff at elementary school (counselors, nurses etc). I doubt there was documentation on it at all unless the nurse jotted a note in her own confidential files which are for her use only and not transferred to another school. That kind of info does NOT go in cumulative files, so rest assured this incident will not follow him to his new school.

I see the main regret of the situation is the school didn't give you a courtesy call after talking with your son, which would have made you feel more a part of the situation and allowed you to help him process the experience of being questioned. Also sounds like the questioning was not done very sensitively if it was still on your son's brain when he got home. I would move on from the situation, I am sure your son has (or wants to, as soon as mom and dad do!)

Many schools don't allow parents popping in at any and all times... you'll just have to really take advantage of the times they do (open house, performances, field trips). Don't worry- your son will feel supported because I can tell you are a loving supportive mom in general!

Hopefully your next school will have a more warm and inviting principal, and many opportunities for you to be on campus. He is nine- in a few short years he will feel like school is "his" world and not want you there as much anyway... So take advantage of these years now when he does!

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Hi Karia....I am a grandma and a retired school teacher. I live in Hawaii. You did not mention whether your child goes to a Public or Private school. But I don't think it matters. I think there are now laws allowing parents of children to see any records that the school maintains on each student. I think it was in 1990 or so before I retired that we were requested to be very professional in writing up conference reports or observations because they were no longer for school eyes only. I am wondering about Parent Advocates in your area... I am active in HIDA for dyslexic kids....and HALD has advocates for kids with LD>...there must be something for all kids....especially if yours if very active....Hope this helps...Aloha, J. Helbling

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I would be outraged.....We all know the reason the laws are in place as they are, to protect our children. What I am appauled at is the response you are getting from the school and it does not make sense that you are literally being told not to get involved. I cannot believe they would turn down supplies that you wanted to donate! I would seriously consider going directly to the school board in your district and documenting all of this for your protection. Your child's safety of course is first and foremost, but the same laws that protect us can and have hurt us. It is to easy for something to get misconstrued and if not corrected, can lead not only to hardships, but financial burdens, amongst many other things. You could go to www.greatschools.net and look up your school, get a little more detailed information on parents feed back and it will also give you information if you choose to pursue contacting their superiors, for questions or answers you may still have. You know you are protecting your son and because the "concern" is his well being, before anyone else, as the parents, you will be held accountable, for that reason and that one alone, set the record straight and do not stop until you have it documented. Write a letter to get it started, ensure the school keeps a copy of it on file and take it from there. I raise my hand to you as a concerned, loving, protective parent, we all need support! GOOD LUCK! OH YES, YOU DO HAVE RIGHTS! YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE RIGHTS!

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I would ask to see your son's school records. They have to let you read them. If there is some notation about suspiscious bruises, you could discuss it with the school then. If they don't agree to remove their comments, maybe a meeting with the school psycologist (or one of your own choosing) and your son, would provide enough evidence for them to remove any inflammatory comments. I have not gone through what you are going through, so I don't claim to be an expert. It would be very unfair for you and your son to have to go through the rest of his school years with incorrect information in his records. I hope everything works out for you.

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this same thing happened to me when I was a kid my pediatrician at the time told my mom to give me multivitamins 2 times a day, it will help with the bruising. Good luck and remember you are a good mother and all your friends and family know it.

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Hi Karia

to be honest with you if the school treated me that way...well..lets just say it's not acceptable to me. I would write the principle a letter..(always good to have things in writing) be firm...explain as if you "don't understand" why you are being treated this way and request a response in writing...Ask the principle in the letter..why did the school not communicate to you that they had pulled your son aside..also ask why was the principle stand offish..ask why were you escorted off the premisises when you went to see your son at school. Does the school have an open door policy..put it in writing that the old principle encouraged you to visit your son at school and ask when did this change why did it change and why were you not notified of the change. put the principle on the defense..don't let the principle put you in that position...ask the principle is there something going on at school with your son that you should be made aware of and if so, why was this not communicated with you. the principle works for you not the other way around. again put it in writing. I have had several issues with teachers and one principle in particular..when the issue was not resolved with the principle I called the superintendant of the school district..the problem was immediately resolved and the principle did not cross my path again...also ask for a copy of your son's school records...everything that is in his file...this is your right to have these..give them a time frame of which to respond..me personally would write a letter asking how my son got bruises at school. put the shoe on the other foot so to speak...I'll gurantee they will back down.

let us know how this goes..
D.

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Are you staying in California? Homeschooling is unbelievably easy and very rewarding, and California is a very homeschool friendly state. Check with the school district to see if they have a site, as ours (Placentia-Yorba Linda Unified) does. We love it! I homeschooled 2 of mine 7th through graduation, and am now doing twins grade 2, and another in grade 3. We love being together. I am a foster and adoptive parent, and understand the scrutiny you are feeling. All you can do is continue to be a good parent, and your children will uphold the truth, as your son already did.

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Hi K.,

I was a teacher before I had kids and then a stay-at-home mom(with a home Discovery Toys business), but I have found that principals are all different. This one just may not like have parents on campus. I was frustrated by some teachers who didn't want parents in the classroom. Since you are moving I would probably just let it go. Do you know other moms in the school so you can find out if this is personal or just a new policy? You could always ask specifically about their "visitation" policy. Unless laws have changed since I was teaching parents are entitled to see their child's records. You can ask to see the full "cum file" (cumulative record) before it is transferred to the new school, and then if there is a problem you can request a change and/or to put your own explanation in the file. Hope this helps.

T. M.

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Re: Julie L's advice - schools are required to send the transcripts directly to the new school. it is the law. Otherwise they can be tampered with. And they are required to report the incident with your son's hands. It is clear that you are a loving parent, but think of it from the other side of the table. Little things can add up. If a child has repeated incidents, they must be recorded somewhere, or a parent could simply switch schools after every incident and no one would ever know that it was a repeated situation. It is embarrassing and uncomfortable for everyone, but please let it go. It happened, it was investigated, nothing came of it, it is over. Every school knows that there are far more incidences of investigations leading to nothing than there are investigations leading to something. They must go on the "better safe than sorry" principle. As for your son, do nt make an issue out of the schools new policies. Just tell him that every principal is different, every teacher is different, and change is something we all have to learn to deal with. Good luck at your new school!

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go to your cities school district offices, and write a letter and ask for it to be put in your new principals folder, It shows that you did not agree with her ways and is documented so if some thing may follow your son ( which it probably wont) you can show that you both questioned eachother and the board will also let the new principal know that they she may be too overly protective, or defensive.

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You are moving and have a chance to start from scratch. Nowadays parents (well meaning, of courrse) visit their kids during school, volunteer in the classroom and are generally more involved and present on campus than in times past. Although well-intended, it can be disruptive to the child, the teacher and ultimately the parent because it upsets the flow in the academic environment. Let the teacher and principal do their jobs and don't impose yourself in their world. Be confident and don't let anybody put you on the defensive. Your child will probably love his new school, teacher and friends if you let him and don't over-protect him. It is great that he was open with you - that shows good parenting on your part!

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Maybe it is not such a good idea for you to be around at the school. Does he have friends? The activities you described are all lone activities, not group. Possibly your involvement at the school is hindering his social skills. Children can be nervous their first day at school, but your son should be making new friends and having lunch with them, not with you. Sorry to say that, but it's true, you can see him when he gets home. Your dislike of the pricipal is based on the first day incident, I would suggest you give him another chance. A lot of schools have policies about parents on campus, it disrupts your child's learning by you being there, even if you sit quietly, your child knows you're there, it doesn't help his independance either. His teacher has the right to teach her class without a lot of parent disruption, however, if you have a direct concern regarding the teacher you can set up an appointment to sit in the back and observe the class, however, don't bring your 2 year old to the classroom. Good luck with your move and with the new school, but don't be surprised if the new school has similar policies.