Need Advice with MAJOR MIL Issue

T.,
So sorry to hear you are in this situation. I highly recommend IMAGO marriage counseling - this specifically deals with how past and present parent/child relationships affect our adult relationships with our partners now. It will help your husband realize why he feels he has to support his mother this way and then figure out how to STOP. Plus, it will help your intimacy & understanding of each other.
My husband and I started about a month ago and it is very helpful. My husband thanked me for finding this counseling.
It is based on Harville Hendrix book "Finding the Love You Want".
PM me if you have any questions. Our counselor is Gay Jurgens ###-###-####.

1 mom found this helpful

Should my inlaws get divorced, we would be supporting my MIL - I know that as clearly as I live and breathe. We would also support my dad, if he could not.

That said, this is how it goes down - find the cost of an all utilities paid efficiency apartment in the area. Your MIL has no income, and should therefore qualify for food stamps and medicaid. Divide this in half. That is your husband's monthly Mom bill. Anything beyond that (car, gas, insurance) - we make our kids pay their own... why not our adult able bodied parents?

Or, to quote a TV show - put some carpet in the garage and move her in. :)

S.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow, I will be praying for you. I think if I were in your shoes I would first talk to my husband and if doesnt "see it" I would talk to her. I dont know how uncomforable that would be or maybe even a family meeting. With the others who pay her bills as well. It sounds like she can do anything and get away with it. What if your husband and his brother puts her on a budget and she needs to take care of the rest and then as the months goes on her budget gets less and less to wein her off of your budget. I would be upset as well and you have every right to be. He is YOUR husband and not hers. If she is able to work and take care of herself then she should. Keep us posted.
God bless you.

Why can't she pay her bills? If they want to (because she cannot work) maybe she can move in with you or your BIL and then she can pay her own bills or not, but the sons will know she has food and a roof over her head. You and your husband need to put your family first and your kids. God bless!

I would contact your father-in-law and fill him in on what is going on. Tell him your mother-in-law is destroying your marriage. This way he can talk to your son and set him straight or he can talk to his ex-wife and set her straight.

If your husband stops paying everything then she will have no choice but to get off her butt and go to work. Also, I would write down the scripture from the Bible. Leave your mother and father and cleave to your wife. He needs to leave his mother and that means the bills too. If she was disabled or really ill and could not work then that is one thing but just take money and not work then that is another. Do not go to work, stay home and raise your daughter.

My heart goes out to you. Your husband sounds like a good man who just is doing what he THINKS is right. I would focus on trying to get him to see that his family (his wife and child) come first. Of course you should help parents, siblings, etc. if you have the capacity and it is absolutely necessary. It doesn't sound like both conditions are met. I would suggest finding some outside person who can explain that his first priority needs to be his wife & child. This could be a financial advisor, pastor, or counselor. That might help it not be perceived that you trying to get between your husband and his mother. You could even pose it as trying to get financially prepared before the baby comes.
I wish you the best of luck. Work on this asap. The longer you stay in this situation, the harder it will be to end it.

Oh WOW! I have to agree with the pp - you should NOT sit back and let it happen. I'm sure he loves his mother, but he is obligated to YOU and your children FIRST. That's what happens when you get married. I would sit down with him and talk to him in a calm way - not being ugly about his mother but focus and be very realistic about YOUR financial situation and let him know how worried you are. Ask HIM for some practical solutions. Share your desire to stay at home with your child, etc.

Also, might I suggest you check out daveramsey.com. Buy one of his books or check it out from the library - it will teach you how to budget with the right priorities. There are also financial classes (Financial Peace University) that would help you guys out a lot. It has changed our lives.

Good luck, I know you are in a tight spot!

My issue is with the fact that you are expected to take care of HIS mother. Last I checked, you married HIM not his mom...and in that would take as long as I wanted to in order to have time with my baby. It's HIS responsibility to take care of her or not...

it's also HIS responsibility to tell her she needs to find work. if she's capable, she needs to or live on a budget...not spend as much as she can. I would give her a set budget...and not a penny more. If she needs more money...then she can most certainly get another job...something that we are all required to do when we want to live beyond our means...

it's also his responsibility to take care of his family FIRST. That's you and your baby. PERIOD...end...I don't care what nationality it is.

I would also tell the Father...maybe he can have some influence on his sons in order to get them to see that she's manipulating them...

Good luck to you...you're gonna need it. And CONGRATS on the new wee one.

Okay, I'm going to start with some personal experience then move to financial advice.
Back before my husband and I were married, he was firmly attached to his mothers apron strings. When it finally came to a head, I told him that I loved him very much but I was going to be most important person in my husband's life. It hurt but I was very firm. I will admit that we separated for a short period of time (3 months), but when we got back together I was in the #1 slot, not mommy. He then went through about 18 months of barely speaking to her, but, when the smoke all cleared, their relationship (and his siblings and their spouses)was much healthier. You need to make sure you are in that #1 slot and set bouneries. If he can't do that, get counseling now, it will NOT get better with time.
Now on to finances. You need to sit down with your husband and look at your budget. How much can you really afford to help out with MIL? Also look at her finances and work out a strict budget. How much help does she really need, split that number and have BILs pick up the other parts. If she goes over her budget, that's her problem. If she doesn't like living that way she will get a job. She's an adult, continously bailing her out is not good for her. If she cannot stick to the budget, she also may need counseling- she is likely using finances as a way of maintaining control of her children's lives.
Finally, if you get a part-time job, then have her baby-sit, at least she will be earning some of the money and still keep a presence in her family's lives. But I would limit it to part-time and make sure she knows you have the final say about what goes on in your children's life from the start. It is likely she will be trying to tie her apron strings onto her grandchildren. If your children can have a healthy relationship with their all of their grandparents, it will give them a stronger foundation in life, but if the relationship cannot be a health one, limit it as much as possible.

Some great advice I received from a family therapist: set your boundaries with your mother-in-law and stick to them and keep in mind that they are only between you and your husband and your mother-in-law, meaning what your husband's brothers do is their business and you only have control over YOUR relationship with her. When you're ready to communicate with her, write down what you need to say first and then edit, edit, edit. You want to keep it brief, honest, to-the-point and not emotional. It's not necessarily a personal attack, you're just trying to rectify a bad situation that is very much effecting you and your family. If you and your husband and mother-in-law get very emotional when you talk to each other (like I do with my parents!), it could be a good idea to give her a written message first and then schedule a time to discuss it. It's not a cop-out but a great way to prevent hurtful things being said in the heat of the moment. I wish you all the best and hope you find a resolution soon!

Hi T.,
I am in a similar situation with my MIL, and it makes me furious. My MIL is completely capable of working, however doesn't. I took her to a finacial advisor and that didn't help. Long story short, what we did was figure out what we could comfortable give her after all our bills were paid, and we put a little into savings. Then we told her that after looking over our finances that X amount was what we could give her a month, and that she would have to figure out a way to make up the difference. One problem that I have is that she spends money on silly things, lots of money on silly things. Like you I am still young and never thought that I would have to deal with this at this age!! Plus, very similar my husband is the youngest of 3, and why she thinks we should foot the whole bill I don't know. I am sorry that you are in this situation, however if you don't stand up for yourself then you are going to support this woman for the rest of her life, most likely. That may include her moving in down the road!! Good Luck!!

Have you sat and actually communicated with your husband? Have you ask him why his mom doesn't work, and is expecting her kids to support her.? You don't have to ask these question in a confrontal way , but just mention you don't see why your bills have to be not paid, and hers are, and why should you have to go to work instead of staying home and taking care of your own daughter? I would hate for you and your husband to break up over his mother, and I certainly wouldn't mention for him to choose between you, as a person has one kind of love for a mother and another for his wife, and that would be a terrable feeling for someone said choose. But you might mention that although he should have a loving relationship with is mom, that once you get married your first priority should be to each other and your new family, and it even states that in the Bible if that would make a difference to him.

Hi T., So sorry you are in this predicament. First, your MIL is a TAKER! She is totally selfish and not someone who is a positive in your family. She will eventually destroy what you have built with no consequences to her lifestyle. She is also a Bully to her children, because they will not tell how enough is enough. She knows this too. Put your foot down now and stick to it. If your husband will not "be the man of the house" then you do it. Tell your husband that he is your husband & you and the kids come first. I was in a similar situation 30 years ago (not the financial part). I gave the ultimatum and was prepared to leave. It would have broken my heart. That was not what marriage was supposed to be. If necessary go for therapy, with or without him. I wish you luck, stay strong.

L.

i agree with you...you need to stay home with your child and she should go to work. you have to make your husband see that it's what's best for your child. don't do it in a confrontational manner...think about it before you talk with you husband.

T.
I am sorry that I don't have any advice for you really, but as a person that was a first-time mother at the same age you will be, I would not rush back to work so you can pay for your MIL's bills. I am 30 now, but had my first at age 27 and my second 17 mos later and wish I had more time with both of them post delivery. I went back at 5 weeks due to OUR bills but if I were going back to pay for MIL's, it would forever be a burden on my marriage; a resentment towards my husband for making me pay for his mother's bills and take away time from my precious newborn (they only stay newborn so short of a time)!

Tell your husband this. You are being robbed your special time with your newborn even after miticulously planning marriage and parenthood because of your MILs selfishness and you will NOT rush back to work and harm your newborn by not receiving the needed mother attention in order to help someone that will not at least try to help herself. I know you don't want to start trouble but you do have to protect yourself and your baby now. Being a parent means you make the right decission FOR YOUR CHILD and rushing back to work to pay for MIL's issues is not best for your child! YOU WANT TO RAISE YOUR CHILD, NOT HAVE SOMEONE ELSE RAISE HER FOR YOU (don't put down how your MIL care-takes but say you WANT the caretaking job since that is what you signed up for and you appreciate her babysitting but you need time to adjust on your own first)!

Good luck!
I feel for you!
You do have to take a stand though and talk to hubby and tell him your feelings and make it clear it is not about him or MIL, but about YOU and the NEWBORN BABY GIRL!!!!!

Is there some physical or mental reason why she can't/doesn't work that you might be unaware of? You need to sit down with your husband and find out why his mom is not working or not able to work anymore. If there is some problem that prevents her from working she needs to see if she qualifies for disablity.
Your family (you, your husband and your child) are FIRST priority. I'm not sure how that will come across to your husband. This might be something you can compromise on like, you will help pay his mom's bill AFTER ALL of YOUR expences are taken care of ONLY if she is activly trying to find work or if she is helping you out at the house. (Having someone to help with the baby wether or not you go back to work is a great blessing!, btw)
your husband is married to you and his first priority is to take care of his family(again that is you, him and your baby). Helping out his mother in difficult times is great but supporting her behavior if there is no reason other than she just doesn't want to work is inableing her to act this way and will not help her or you(your marriage) in the long run.
If she can't afford the house she lives in- she needs ot downsize or maybe move in with one of her children(again- only if she is willing to help with the household chores or get a job to help support the family and herself- if she is unable to work she should be able to help out around the house.)
Also, see if you can take a FPU(financial peace university)class- go to daveramsey.com- I know it's a financial class but you will be amazed at how much it helps out your marriage! Being on the same page financialy with your spouse really makes a difference- this way you can get out of debt for good and have the means to help his mom out if she really needs the help and you won't resent it.
Best of luck adn God bless!
~C.

T. I really feel for you. You need to sit down and have a long talk with your husband. I'm sure in the back of his mind whether he's told you or not, he knows this isn't right, and probably just feels that's his mother... With that being said, you need to SHOW him, write down all your bills, how much they cost, and let him know that isn't including your daughter's cost... Also, remind him that he made the vows to you before "GOD" and not with his mother. You also mentioned that his brother is helping pay for his mother, she has a stronghold on her sons that's for sure. I don't know if your BIL is married, if so or not, have him and his wife with you and your husband talk to your MIL. You also said he's one of three, but it sounded like only two of them are paying the bills for her, talk to the other brother who's not paying her bills, he's probably married too and she put her foot down.

Also when you talk with your husband tell him how unfair she's making both of your life; remind him that you are giving birth to his daughter... then ask him why should his mother get to spend that quality time (that goes by way too fast) while you have to go work to support her... let him know that isn't fair, and maybe if I was you, tell him you aren't going back to work, you want to stay home with your daughter and he'll just have to figure out how he's going to take care of his family.
You really need to talk to your MIL too, I'm not sure if you should talk to her woman to woman first of as a DIL; Besides the obvious reasons remind her that her son is grown and is married and has his own family to take care of. If she wants someone to take care of her, tell her to start dating again... Remind her there is no reason at all she doesn't work, especially when her ex-husband's new wife isn't from America but has a job and goes to work rain or shine... Ask her why she feels she deserves to put the burden on your family and her other sons...
I'm sure you are praying, continue to pray for your husband, your MIL, your family. Ask God to change your MIL's heart, to open her eyes.

I know this has been going on for quite some time so I'm sure this won't be the first time you talk to your husband, maybe by showing him, showing him how much you are going to be paying in late fees and higher interest that he might open his eyes...

I'm praying for you girl, and your marriage! Don't let her steal your joy.
God Bless!

When and why did this start? Is there something about the situation that you don't know? It's a wierd situation, so it makes me wonder what's going on... She should be getting something from her ex if she hasn't re-married. That said, the boys are taking care of her from a good place, but your hubby HAS to take care of you guys first. You might want to get into some family counseling cause something doesn't seem right where she's concerned. Good luck, and I agree with you about you not working just to pay her to watch the baby - that's just wacky.

Hi - you do have rights. When your husband married you and started a family, the MIL became seperate from him. He is responsible for taking care of the wife and children first, no questions about it. You must lay it out for him - he doesn't have to choose between you and her, you could work together to complete the family. Also my personal opinion is your MIL isn't your babysitter....she is your childs Grandparent and has a specific role as such.

T.,
I have been in a similar situation!! My husband and his mother are VERY close! They had a joint checking account (he got it in college, and never got a new one-even at 27). Well, she would transfer money from his account to hers and would overdraw his account all the time. Not my problem until we were married. Well, it took one time for her to do this to us and I WAS DONE w/the bank account. I had to explain to my DH that it was not just HIS money anymore! It was OURS! Not to mention I was working and pregnant, and she took money w/out telling us!

We switched banks and that helped a little, but she borrowed money here and there....last February was my last straw! I was pregnant w/my 2nd child and she borrowed a large sum of money (to be paid back w/in 1 month)and NEVER PAID it back! I worked my butt off so that I would not be in any financial distress when I would be off work after baby 2 was born, and by lending her that money and never getting in back, it really put a strain on us financially and hurt our marriage!!! I kept telling my DH that he could call her and let her know how I felt or I WOULD! Well, eventually I DID!! She has not borrowed any money since...nor would I ever give her a penny!!!

I do understand that your husband wants to help his mother, but at what cost??? WHY IN THE WORLD would you have to work so that he can pay her bills????? Are you seriously saying you have to go back to work so that you can help pay HER bills and SHE WILL WATCH your new baby??? Is he out of his mind???? I am not trying to be so hard on him b/c I know how upset it makes my DH to know his parents struggle financially, but come on....you are his family now...you are his IMMEDIATE responsibility!! If you have extra money to give that's one thing, but for you to have to go w/out AND miss out on being able to stay home w/your sweet baby...well, that's just unacceptable!

I hope you don't think I am being rude, I promise I feel for you! It's your MIL I am irritated w/! Who does she think she is??? I hope you can sit down and tell her what she's doing to you!! I really hope YOU get to stay w/your baby! Good luck!

His first priority is to you and your kids. His mother should not be loafing around sucking money out of your accounts. And you should be the one staying home with YOUR kids...not hers. It seems like MIL's always put themselves in perfect situations to be the wife & mother again.

The fact of the matter is that she had her chance as the wife & mother when she was raising her own kids. Now it's your turn to do it.

WOW...that is a lot to take in. I totally understand your frustration. I would not be happy having to return to work after having your little girl just so his mom doesn't have to work. I would have a problem with that. I would also have a problem with the fact that she would be the one getting all the fun times with your little girl. I would have to say that I would have a very hard conversation with your husband. Why does he feel he needs to pay her bills? Did something happen to put that kind of guilt or pressure on him that he feels he needs to do so? I could understand helping out sometimes when things were tight but she isn't even working to help out? That says a lot about her. Have you tried having a conversation with her? The way I look at it is you have a right to be hurt and angry and you for sure have a right to say something since this does affect you. You are the one giving up everything. He is treating his mom like she is the wife and putting her first. I would seriously think about a counselor to help him through this. You should go together where the counselor can help you all communicate through this ordeal. Plus give you boundaries for the MIL.

Sounds to me like you have a strong and close enough relationship to gather all YOUR bills and sit down and go over them. Make sure you do not attack his mother but do strongly point out that you will never get a home of your own if your credit goes bad especially with lending companies and the economy right now. You can not afford a single blimish on your record. Figure your bills every month including groceries, gas etc.. and show him in black and white where you stand. Get a free credit report and show him where it is and the report on what will happen if you fall behind or default. Late payments stay on your record just as long as no pay. Suggest maybe you should sit down and review his mothers bills and any money she may have coming in and set her up a budget also. You may suggest instead of you paying all her bills that if she is going to be baby sitting you would pay her the same as you would a daycare to keep the baby and she would be responsible for getting her bills paid. We help my MIL out by paying her home taxes and monthly phone one of my BIL pays her electric and gas and another pays her water the rest is up to her. She has COPD and on oxygen at night. She is a diabetic with arthritis in both knees. She works part time to pay car note and insurance and buy food, etc...She was just diagnosed with breast cancer but chose to put off surgery for 3 months because she works at a tax office and wants to see them through the season. If what you say is true of your relationship you should be able to go to him and work this out.

I do not have much experience with something like this b/c there is no way my husband would do this unless it was temporary and for resonable reasons causing her to not work temporarily. ANYWAY you do not have to sit back and let this happen. I would be careful with how you approach it, b/c it is his mom and that can be sticky, but you have to say something or all your anger is going to build up and you will explode on him. Maybe sit down and just voice that you are worried about affording all the new baby cost with all your extra expenses right now and then go slowly from there.

T.,

I think it is time to lay down the law! When he married you he chose you over his mother! I could understand if she wasn't able to work, but if she is able to work...then it is time to get a job! Does any of sister-in-laws have a problem with their money going to her? What brought this on? You need to be the one that stays home and raises your daughter! Grandmas are GREAT, but Mothers are the BEST when it comes to raising children. I don't think I would walk out because your daughter deserves to have both parents and if he is loving and cares for you then I don't think you need to leave. Just talk to him and maybe seek professional help, together.

Good luck!

OMG!!! I can't believe what I just read! There's absolutely NO WAY that you or your husband, or your bother-in-law should have to support a grown woman capable of working herself!!! And you should not have to go back to work and not be able to enjoy your baby, just so that your mother-in-law can get that pleasure! She needs to get her lazy butt up and go get a job!!! I know this is very tough, but you do need to tell your husband to choose between you or his mom. You two have your own life together now, and your mother-in-law doesn't need to be a financial burden to you. You're so young and you need to enjoy life and your baby, and not have to worry about financial issues. Who's gonna pay for diapers and other baby needs, if you're paying for your lazy mother-in-law's bills? No, please don't let this go on any longer! This has to stop now, and she needs to pay you back for everything you have paid for her!!! And if she can't accept that, then that's just too bad for her! I can't believe a mom would do this to her children, and I can't believe your husband and his brother are willing to be used this way by their own mother! I wish you the very best of luck, and hope you will take my advise by getting rid of your mother-in-law's burdens.

What a loaded problem! I guess I would say, is this going to be a long term problem? It sounds like your sweet hubby needs to realize that he is even more obligated to his wife and children than his mother. In a perfect world, his mother would realize that her dependency is causing him not to be able to be independent. My goal will be for my children to be independent of me and dependent on God. I want them to be able to function as full adults on their own. This is not to say I don't want to be included in their joys and sorrows. She is wrong to manipulate him into taking care of her responsibilities. It would be a different case if she wer not an able bodied person. It is selfish to put a debt on her son and grandchildren. Have you all had a talk with MIL about your desire to be the main caretaker or YOUR child? Have you guys in a non confronting way discussed that the numbers are not adding up right to support you both? Has your hubby told his mother that he is going behind in his bills and could use her help to support the group of you as a whole?

what would happen to MIL if hubby just stopped paying her way? would she live on the street? eat at the soup kitchens?
You need to have a serious talk with hubby, ask him why he feels it necessarry to keep his mother living a life he cannot afford for himself. I am affraid that if I were in your shoes I would have been out the door a long time ago. There is obviously a missing componant to this story, but if you allow this to happen, you have no one to blame but yourself.
She needs to file bankruptcy, move into a smaller apartment and get a part time job to pay for her own expences. This is silly, why are only two brothers helping? where is the other brother? You have a serious problem here, and I would not want that woman near my baby!

Please consider taking back your life by attending ____@____.com's Ridge training. www.SOSINC.org. This is a Life Management training class that meets for a weekend and helps you come up with answers to your problems like this. It is only $99 for the weekend plus hotel and whatever you want to eat. It is a bargain for all the tools you get to help you make some major decisions in life. You already know your husband vowed to be married to you, but for some reason it works for him to pay for mama's bills. Come to the training to find out what your next move should be for you and the baby. You may not have to leave him, but you definitely may want to consider learning how to set healthy boundaries with he and your MIL asap. Yes, it's going to cause some hard feelings for awhile, but YOU do not have to feel guilty about that. Your husband has decided to put this burden on your family and apparently didn't ask how you felt about it. Come to the training. You won't be sorry, I promise you that. You will be begging him to go, too. Good luck! B.

That is a very difficult situation. I wish I had some advice for you but I can only offer that I feel your pain. My husband is very very very close to his family, especially his mom. He literally goes to his parents house DAILY. It drives me crazy and he doesn't understand why. Neither of his parents work and they haven't worked since he was in preschool, he's now 26 and to top it off they constantly call him lazy and tell him he needs to be working more on top of the 40 hours he works and 15 hours of school he is already doing. I KNOW if it weren't for his sister already paying ALL of his parents bills plus taking them shopping weekly, my husband would want to help his parents even though this is the situation they chose for themselves. They are very ungrateful for her help also. They have never once in the 4 years I've been with him expressed their gratitude to her. They always just ask for more and more and more. (Just so you get an idea, his sister has purchased 3 cars for them over the last 2 years and only one of them drives)
Sorry this was so long but I hope the best for you.

I agree with the previous post and think some counseling for you and your husband is definitely needed. NO ONE Is going to take better care of your baby than you and that baby needs YOU not Grandma. That's ridiculous for you to have to work to help pay someone elses bills. My mother is 50 yrs old, lives off of every penny she has, does NOT work, gets very little money in disability checks YET NEVER asks us for a dime! She knows WE have bills to pay and children to provide for. If she can't afford to pay her bills, she needs to sign up for assistance from the state to help her out. I'm also curious to know "when" this started......has he been doing this the entire time ya'll were together?
Maybe with the new baby coming that would be a good excuse for him to give her about not being able to help her anymore. I'm totally with you on this one and it needs to stop if it's affecting your family this much. Good luck to you, I hope you get a compromise figured out and keep us updated!

I just read a financial article from Suzi Ormon (I think that is her name, in Oprah's magazine) that said the only way that you are in a position to loan someone money is if your 401ks are funded and you have a 8-9 month liquid fund for emergency savings. It doesn't sound like you have all of that. It sounds like you need to have a serious heart to heart with your husband and then maybe with your MIL. Bring in a financial advisor if you have to.

-L.

I'm so sad for you! MIL issues are the worst! Have you talked to your hubby about this? Have you explained (not yelled, ranted or accused) but just explained that you would like to stay home with your child and that you are scrimping but he's paying MIL bills? I assume you have or you wouldn't be so fed up! Ok, next, go to Dave Ramsey's financial peace university - I think his principles may be enough to make your husband look at your situation differently and maybe make a change.

You didn't say why he is paying her bills...is she disabled? Is it just b/c she's not working now? Maybe they need to encourage her to get into a smaller house, rent a cheap apt., etc. If she can't pay the bills she has, then she needs to adjust her lifestyle!

As a wife with many years of MIL grief behind me, I think I can help you... You sound very responsible and reasonable...You need to approach your MIL yourself and explain your frustration with the situation. Tell her that she is prohibiting her son and his own family unit from a stable financial future by supporting her. Let her know that it is not his responsibility to keep her as a husband would, because he is in fact your husband and a soon to be father. Perhaps she would be open to living with you both if you were able to purchase a home? (try not to wince at that, they hardly ever take up the offer) Remember to be calm when you have this conversation with her. Also an ultimatum to your husband is never a good idea. It's very important to not be the bad guy here. Tell him that you are lookin gout for your child's future here. You never want to come between a son & his mother, but it needs to stop. Ask him if he would feel better offering his mother a place to live in his new home. If this creates a whole new set of disasters, then perhaps counseling with the family priest would help. The bible does state that a man shall seperate from his parents and become one with his wife. Good luck and God bless you and your new baby to be :)

wow. First of all, you have the right to feel the way you do. It is not your husbands money, it yours as a family/couple. Even if he makes all the income, it belongs to you as a family. Here is my suggestion, either his mother is not well enough to work in witch case she need to apply for disability. If she is well enough to work, well then she needs to work. I would talk to your husband in these very basic terms. (no attacking) This is something you really want to take a stand on, you will not get the years back of raising your child and seeing them grow. And all that comes with that. The Mother in Law is the next best thing, not the best. Good Luck and Be strong!

T.,

I don't know if you are a Christian or not. If you and your husband are, he should know that he is not obeying God. God tells him that when he married you, his FIRST responsibility became you and your baby!!!!! There is NO question as to what he should do. The first thing is that he should sit his mother down and explain to her in a loving way that the BEST thing for his marriage is for him to take care of your family first. Only then can he help her with what he can.

Put your immediate family first!

Dear T.,

It seems often that guys from other cultures have a great sense of responsibility toward their parents--esp. their mothers. It's often difficult to change cultural beliefs. Would your husband be open to going to counseling about this?
S. P.

T.,

I am so sorry that your MIL has your husband eating out of the palm of her hand & paying his bills!!! What about his 3rd brother? Is he also helping out pay her bills? It seems like he is not, & that he has a good head on his shoulder! Your husband needs to cut his mother off financially right now!! Do NOT go back to work after you give birth! Stay home w/ your baby (at least for a little while), and your MIL will have to get a job. If she is physically healthy, she can be a nanny to a family (which would be better pay than a lot of jobs), or she can clean houses, which would also be cash, and more money than other jobs. You say her physical health is fine - then she must work to pay her own bills! Take your husband to therapy with you - he needs to hear how manipulative his mother is from someone other than you. This situation needs to stop NOW. Shame on his mother!! Do not accept this. Demand that she gets a job. Tell your husband that you will stay home w/ your infant! Best of luck!!!

I suggest that you and your husband get counseling quickly. Please contact me for suggestions.