Need Advice on Misbehavior

I agree with the ones who say make him clean it by himself...I went through the same problem, except, he was peeing on his bedroom floor, then right by the toilet but not in the toilet...then one day he pee'd in his room (also asked for a potty in his room) and I gave him the towel and made him clean it up...he hasn't done it since.

it is almost as though they get this trigger of satisfaction watching you clean it up...

also going in there with him will help too, but having him clean it up worked wonders.

My almost-four year old often threatens to pee on the floor when he's angry. He's never done it, but I sometimes wonder how much more it would take for him to pee or poop there. We had our baby 7 months ago also, and I'm just now starting to see the impact on our 3 yo--now that the "baby" is wanting a lot more attention and time and toys.

This is not misbehaving C.: Your son is responding to his fear around going to the bathroom alone. As well, he is probably upset about his new sister, who has taken his mommy away at potty time.

Most kids are afraid of being in the bathroom alone ~ the toilet scares them as it is powerful, loud and has water that sucks things (maybe even you!) down.

Go back to getting up and taking him to the bathroom yourself (or your husband). He is too young to be expected to go alone if he is scared.

Even if you believe that his fear is unreasonable, you should plan to nurture him in this or you will be cleaning up messes and fighting with him unnecessarily for years.

Hi C.,
I have a 5 yr old boy who did that as well. He peed all over his bedroom floor. Then when he is in the bathroom its all over the floor & toilet. I told my husnad that if this continues I will have to cut it off! LOL only kidding of course. My son said he wanted a bathroom in his bedroom! LOL! When he is in Time Out is mostly when he will go where he is not suppose to and thinks he is not aloud to leave his room so, fine I'll do it here. I know you spend a lot of time with your son due to his new sibling, but sounds like he is just acting out to get *negative* attention when you are possibly giving it to your daughter. I think, I beleive he will out grow it! But What I made my son do, was *clean up your mess* they dont like it very much and you may have to reclean * I insist* but it might change his mind next time he decides to go on the floor! Good Luck hun!

C., my daughter did this same exact thing! She was 3 years old and my second born was a few months old. I think it's being 3, having a new sibling, being new-ish to using the bathroom, and being able to drive your mom crazy. You're at a difficult time with your baby wanting your attention rather than just wanting to be held. People expect all the big adjustments to happen when a baby is first born but I think it's harder when the baby gets to be a little older.

I don't really have any advice to you except to be patient and try not to read too much into it. Your son is just trying different things out of impulse. He knows he's being naughty but he doesn't really know why he's doing it. It's maddening but I don't think it will last very long. He'll find his equilibrium and be just like a real person again soon! So just hold on, give him lots of love, and go out of your way to give yourself some breaks. It's going to get a lot better!

J.

C.,

I have to agree with KRISTIN--your son made the mess, he needs to be allowed and required to clean it up. If he 'owns' the behavior, he will think twice about what to do next time.

I just want to add some words of moderation here. 3-1/2 can be a really really tough age - they talk about the "terrible twos", but 3-1/2 was way, way WAY harder for my son. There's a lot of internal conflict for them at this age, they feel really pulled between their desire for independence and their desire to be taken care of - perhaps especially with a (still relatively new) baby sister who gets taken care of *all the time.* It is completely developmentally appropriate for him to be struggling with control issues - which can mean defiant behavior, but the whole potty process is really their first experiment in self-control, so it's not at all surprising to me that he's acting out through potty behaviour.

Now, it's also totally NOT OK for him to pee or poop anywhere but IN the potty, but be a little gentle on the correction, here. It was very hard for me, but I found I got much better (and faster) responses from my son when I responded to his "control experiements" with firm compassion rather than punishment. You really don't want to set yourself up for ongoing potty battles, here. I personally would not feel good about making a 3-1/2 year old clean up their own poop - they just don't have enough coordination or awareness to do a good job or to keep themselves clean - you hardly need nasty gastrointestinal infections on top of everything else. Pee, totally fine - but also, not as a punishment - just, "oh, well, you made a mess, you are a big boy, so you can help clean it up." But don't leave him alone with it, and don't shame him about it - that can lead to all sorts of potty training problems. Honestly, it's pretty amazing that a 3-1/2 year old is well-enough potty trained to go without any assistance - let alone poop and wipe without any assistance! Some kids (especially boys) are just getting the hang of peeing in the potty at his age!

I know it's hard, and baffling, and frustrating - and you do need to set up some clear boundaries for him, not just about the potty. But this is a really important struggle for them, it's their first independence crisis, in a way, and they're going to keep coming back to this over and over again for the next 20 years. Think about teenagers struggling between independence and being taken care of - it's the same conflict, just on a different scale. Start to think about ways in which you CAN give him more control in his life. Whenever you CAN give him a choice about something, let him choose (even if it's just, "do you want peanut butter or tuna for lunch?" or "do you want to wear the green or purple pajamas?" And whenever you CAN skip the battle, SKIP IT (If he's playing something annoying but not physically dangerous or disturbing to his sister, let it go sometimes.)

So take a deep breath, know that your child is not the first (or the last) to poop in inappropriate places, set some clear boundaries about appropriate behaviour, and try to make some more room for him to have control over age-appropriate things (what he wears, what he eats, which park he goes to, which game he plays next, which friends he plays with.) Staying firm about the things that were NOT in his control, but making extra room for him to start to have control over other things really worked for my son. It was a tough 4-5 months, but he really seems to be coming out of it now, and with a whole other set of independence skills!

Good luck!

Hi C.,

It's not unusual for an older sibling to regress after the birth of a sibling. Toileting is one of their favorite areas of regression. We lived through that a couple of times as the parents of 4. Remember to include your son in the care of the baby, even if it's to get a diaper, or a wipe. If possible, try to hold him on one side while holding the baby. Just simple things. One thing that's fun, is to ask his advice about what he thinks his little sister wants or needs. It's fun to hear the responses! If he starts acting out in other ways, or acts ill, as if he may have an infection, I would consult his pediatrician just to be sure. Good luck.

He is trying to get a response you and rebale all at once.
Start over and say ok it is your time,but first put him on the potty and give him a firm five minutes,if any potty stuff silently award him with Mommie time even if you both sit in a chair with him on your lap by baby and read.
If he does not potty give him a time with you like he can follow as you pic up and do not discuss potty unless needed and when he dances around make the trip with him, make him sit.

D.

I wish I had some good advice....but have not had a toddler in many years.
There is a ton of good advice below...and you know your sone better than anyone. So, take the best of the advice and leave the rest.
Good luck and keep on loving your babies :)

This may not be the advice you're seeking, but I'd make him clean it up himself... Best of luck.

C.,
I don't want to sound like a broken record when I respond to some of the moms' requests for advice, but I think many behavioral issues are connected directly to food issues. . .what they eat, if they have allergies etc. . .
I never ever thought my kids had food allergies~why would I? They weren't sniffling, sneezing, etc. . .but boy was I wrong! I had them checked and what a difference in their behavior when I changed what they consumed!!

I often visit the GFCF Kids website where you can share questions and get answers from other moms who have been through what you are going through, and "poop smearing" is a big one that many of them have dealt with. Maybe your situation is different, as he is not smearing the poop. But it's worth checking into. I kid you not, they can actually tell you why they think he is doing it, and what it would take (from a dietary standpoint) to stop it! I don't remember what it all entailed.

I was shocked when I saw it, and it just seems strange that food could make a difference with this behavior. But many many mom's swear by it! It's worth a try. . .you certainly don't want that behavior going on for years~! Also, punishing a behavior that he isn't even understanding why he does it won't necessarily be effective (please don't think I'm saying not to give a consequence for his behavior. . I'm not. I think having him clean it is a great consequence. I'm only trying to offer a solution to the problem itself.).

I also agree w/the mom who talked about the fear of the bathroom. Worth looking into each of these for your son.

Good luck, C.!
J.