August 27, 2008,
A.G. asks from Sunnyvale, CA on August 26, 2008
Need Advice on How to Heal from a 7 Year Relationship Breakup
I just moved out of the "love shack". I had been living there with the man that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We had talked marriage and babies and actually were planning on becoming pregnant soon because he felt like he was ready to be a dad and I wanted to have a child with him too. Towards the end of May, he gets this email from a friend to look into a particular situation especially if there was a possibility that he could be the father of a nine year old. It turns out he had a one night stand with this woman 10 years ago. He did some intricate research on the internet for her, locates her, shoots her an email and she responds back that it is his child. To make the story short, he made the decision to take care of his daughter and to make an effort to work things out with the mother. I don't understand what happened but I do understand that I need to heal from this. I loved this man, excuse me, boy(in retrospect,a man would not leave his family to start another one). And it hurts...can anyone relate and tell me how long I'm going to feel like this? What can I do to make these feelings go away? I asked him not to contact me. I told him that when I was ready I would call him. He still wants my son and I to be part of his life, just in a different light....Doesn't feel like I can do that, ever. I welcome any advice.
So What Happened?™
Thank you ladies for all your heart felt advice. Things did not work out with baby's mamma, he came back and apologized. He told me he realized that he already had a family with my son and I. He does not have my full trust yet; it will take time. I'm willing to give him a second chance but I will not live with him again until I have full commitment from him (a ring on my finger) and even then is that guaranteeing anything...I'm willing to take a chance that it will work out. Wish us luck!
N.K. answers from San Francisco on August 27, 2008
This situation sounds a bit suspicious. He hadn't been in touch with this woman for 10 years. They only had a one night stand that produced a child and he's going to try and "work things out" with her? I can understand him wanting to get to know and support his child but why the mother?
I know this is very painful for you. After seven years, it is hard to say goodbye. Here is the advice I give to my girlfriends when they break up with someone. Be as sad as you want to be. Embrace the sadness. Cry, mourn the loss of your time with him, it's okay. You love him and you can't just turn that off like a faucet. But like the old man who ate the prunes said, this too shall pass. ;-) You will feel better. You will feel stronger. While you should embrace your sad feelings, don't wallow in them. It makes it hard to move on. There is not set amount of time that you will feel this pain. It will subside each day until you notice that you are not thinking of him anymore.
As far as continuing to be in his life, that may be possible in the future. But if you are trying to move on from him, it would be a hard thing to do right now. You can't just "be friends" after a seven year relationship breaks up. You are always tempted to go back to what was. If it is truly over, I would recommend not seeing or talking to him. But it is up to you.
Think of this relationship as preparing you for your next one. You've learned and experienced things that have made you grow as a person and as a mate. This guy may come back into your life or he may not. The important thing is you focus on and do what is best for you and your son.
M.B. answers from San Francisco on August 27, 2008
Time will heal all wounds although you won't understand this until about a year later. You will go through different stages, grieving, anger, mad at yourself etc. but eventually you will understand how important that it is for your son to see him. He will be the most affected. Watch for any signs. The teacher is a good source at the parent teacher conference. That is where I found out that my son was having trouble adjusting. Counseling is always good and church really helps. It makes you feel good about yourself and gives a positive outlook to the weeks ahead. Cathedral of Faith is a big church but you can come as you are and they always have a great positive message. Take care, good luck and God bless.
G.L. answers from San Francisco on August 27, 2008
Wow, im so sorry! Is there any chance that he really did have contact with this other woment all along? Perhaps didn't tell you? Just really dosen't jive. How can he leave the ones he loves to start a family that he didn't even know existed? Stay strong and true to yourself and your son! Sorry no magicial advise or answer, just that time will make since out of this somehow.
E.C. answers from San Francisco on August 27, 2008
If its not being too forward I would suggest getting a good family therapist. The reason I say this is that this is a deep wound not only to yourself but to your son. Any advice here will be short lived, but this will not be. It will take months to work through your grief and it would be wise to have help. Some churches offer lay counseling if you cannot afford a therapist, and some insurance companies will cover therapy. I recommend either Dean Smith, or Steve Grizzle...or they can help you locate someone to your liking.
I imagine that your ex is going through a tremendous upheaval and is hoping to do "the right thing" but this is very complicated and he could probably use some help as well. Perhaps you can learn enough to guide him through the process. It may even be that he will realize he needs to reconcile with you.
I hope marriage will result, which is a protection for all concerned. Best wishes. Ev
M.T. answers from San Francisco on August 27, 2008
I'm so sorry to hear about your break-up. I broke-up with the man I thought was my soul-mate, who I had been with for fifteen years and had 3 kids with when I found out he had married another woman. I found out while I was on a business trip from our oldest child. We were never married. I wanted to marry him but he was never ready.
Anyway, this hit me really hard but I found help & solace on a website called www.soyouvebeendumped.com. You can express yourself anonymously and you have this whole online community helping you through this. It's been almost 3 years now and it turns out the break-up was the best thing for me. I'm much happier now. I've made some great friends through the site.