Need Advice on Holding Son Back in School

Hello A.: I am the mother of 5,( one has a disability) have raised several foster children. I am also a child advocate for children and adults with special needs.
Consider looking on line for "Aspberger's Syndrome". Believe me I am NOT saying he has it but it may help you see some of the things you are talking about.
I am amazed how a gifted child can just not function in the school system at all times. I say gifted because he must do many wonderful things when allowed to do so in his own way. I really believe in holding a child back if it will help the child not just the school. We have held some of our children back and even started them a year late in the 1st place. It has helped everyone of our children.
My son that has learning disabilities because of the way we had his IEP written is very successful. I can give you some examples: 1. have him tape record the homework instructions- if the teacher has it in the IEP it is a legal requirement. We found that our son, could not retain the information to get it home and start because his mind had already moved on to better things.
2. Never give more than 2 instructions at a time or they are lost. That sets a child up for failure.
3. Be sure that your child understands the written word. Our son was in the 5th grade before we learned the reason he ignored the notes left for him by us or the teachers was they were in CURSIVE and he could not make it out. He just thought he was dumb because others told him he could do it and was just being lazy and never said anything. He could have been saved so much pain.
4. I know that our IEP was 13 pages long because I made sure that everything I wanted covered was in it. My husband was a teacher, and he said only a lazy teacher does not read the IEP or ask about it if he sees achild in need. If you have one and the teacher is not holding to it then file a complaint with the district office put a letter in their personal file. That really does alot for both good letters and bad letters.
** You are able to get the next school years class plan in advance and I council you to do this. We did it every year until he graduated from High School. So at the end of 4th grade we got the 5th grade plan so he spent the summer working on it, the summer before the 10th grade we got the books all checked out and he went through it all. It is not easy but it makes all the differance to the childs self esteem and success. Again; every child should have what is best for them and staying back another year is not going to matter in 5 years let alone later.But not keeping him back now may mean frustration, dropping out, and resentment for not being able to do what some roundpegged person wants when you think like a aquare peg. Good luck in your adventure of parenthood, it really is the greatest thing you will ever do in life. Feel free to contact me at any time, Nana G

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Hi April,

Unfortunately math is one of those subjects that builds upon itself, so if he is missing a building block or two (by not understanding it or not having memorized math facts), math beyond that point will get more fustrating and become imppossible for him to truly understand.

I'm a homeschool mom. I've been teaching for 7 years. I was never strong in math myself, and so I had to learn how to teach it right. That was through trial and error.

I have my first child that's a strong reader and great in every subject... except math. These issues started showing up in 4th grade, when she had to memorize math facts. Math was SUCH a struggle for her. We moved into 5th because I wanted to stay "on schedule" even though I knew she was "behind" in memorizing math facts I thought she'd catch up. Mistake. That was a disaster, and without a solid 4th grade foundation, 5th was "performed" but without retention of what she'd learned. It was clear that she was going through the motions, but didn't understand what she was doing. She would fail at finding larger numbers in her division problems because she didn't have all her times tables down. I ended up switching curriculums and repeating 5th grade math again and getting those math facts down solid. I don't regret it.

One thing I learned that is imperitive to math fluency is knowing math language. I didn't realize it at first but I sure do now. As you go up in grades math language becomes more and more important. I was reading a study written by a college professor that said at least half of all college students that fail college math are failing because of a lack of basic math language. The other half was because of missing blocks of knowledge. If his school teachers didn't use a lot of of symantecs when they explained how to perform the math, but the text book does, the child can find himself frustrated indeed.

I wonder how many public school teachers were like me, who thought you could teach math without using proper symantics? How many of them have degrees in language only to find themselves forced into teaching math because the school didn't have a math teacher? (That was common in my school days). Shame on that school for pushing children through who are not ready. Somewhere along the line, the teacher(s)have failed him. They should fess up that they did a poor job and make things right, instead of turning their face and pretending the problem doesn't exist. They should know, since they deal with test scores of countless children over years and years, that moving failing children ahead is NOt going to produce higher test scores, in fact the opposite is true. Pushing several grades of children together for their other subjects - what in the world are they thinking? I guess it's great for the school budget (several less teachers to have to pay, less curriculum to buy) but a failure for the children.

I know my situation is a little different from yours as you would have to hold him back for ALL his subjects. However, I really don't see this as a bad thing. Taking the stress off of him will open his mind up. Learning should be a joy. It doesn't only occur in a classrooom and it doesn't stop when we graduate from school. The basics done right in the early days builds for a life of learning (and a desire to learn). If he feels he is missing some pieces somewhere and would like to stay back to learn those before he moves on, he's a smart fellow indeed, and he WILL learn it and he will move on.

Check to see if your son has a good grasp of math language. Does your son know the difference between a sum and a product? What an exponent is? can he tell you what a quotient, a divisor and a dividend is? If you asked him what the difference was between a whole number and a fraction, could he tell you in words? Does he understand "why" we round numbers (and not just how to do it). If you asked him to write an improper fraction, would he understand what you are asking?

If not, you could help him by going online and looking up a "math glossary for 5th grade" ( you could do all the lower grades if he needs them) and make flash cards out of the meanings, and drill them on them until he knows them.
Another thing you can do to help him understand math is to apply it in real life. Take out your grocery ad, and have him figure out how much each, if the ad says 3 items for a dollar. Albertons has 3 lbs of apples for $5.00, rayleys has 3 pounds for $2.50, which is cheaper? what is the price per pound for each? After he gets good, show him how to use a calculator to do this. On Halloween, have him make a tally chart of his candy, (or make a chart of the canned items in your pantry) Show him how to use tally marks and why that is a faster way to count. have him add up all the chocolate and then all the hard candy, and do an average of each. Show him how he can take his data and make a bar graph, so you can see the results of the data with a quick glance.

You are a wonderful mother to be so concerned for your child.

ps..have you ever thought about homeschooling?

Blessings,
G.

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How about a third way: you're home. Is it an option to homeschool your son through this difficult year, maybe use the time to really hit the math hard & let him do some things that correspond with the ways he DOES learn well, to give his self-esteem a shot in the arm, and then head back to school for 7th grade, much more ready to cope with the age group & the curriculum? Maybe use an online school to back up whatever else you do, and keep him connected to his friends through extracurriculars?

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Hi April,

You are a SAHM? Have you ever considered homeschooling? Most counties now have a homeschooling program through their department of education. That means you receive all the materials from the school, and do the work at home. They keep the records, they do the STAR testing, and you are able to bond with your children, be the role model, and allow them to become confident young adults. :)

I've been homeschooling for 7 years now and would not change a thing. I believe the biggest advantage to homeschooling is that your children are able to focus on learning without the distractions that come from the school environment - such as peer pressure and bullying.

The way the homeschooling program works in our county is: We meet with a teacher and receive all our materials - books, teachers editions, pencils, paper, etc... The teachers editions usually have a weekly plan to follow, but, we ususally 'tweek' it to fit each child's personality. We complete the work at home, I correct it, then we meet with the teacher every 2 weeks to turn in work and review progress. We also have 'field trips' as a homeschooling group. We've gone to several plays in Chico, gone to Turtle Bay, on hikes at Dye Creek, gone to Civil War reinactments, had gardening days, show and tells, done bowling and pizza get togethers, just to name a few. We also do P.E. once a week in fall and spring at our local fitness center/gym. Then in the winter, we have a weekly art lesson at which the kids learn about famous artists and their different styles - all of this is free because it is through the public school system.

I have 2 boys who are very advanced and we were able to toss alot of the redundant material and get them into subjects that really challenge them. I also have one boy who really struggles more with spelling/writing/math. So we are also able to cater to his learning abilities. I have found that he is much more visual, and is able to advance much faster if we loose the standard worksheets and instead use art projects to learn comprehension and vocabulary. It's amazing how much faster a child can learn if you understand their personalitie's and use their strengths to help them learn.

I'm not sure if this is an option that you would want to take a look at, but if you'd like to know a little more, feel free to email me. :)

I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the best one for your son. :)

Have a great weekend!

Rene
www.BeachBodyAtHome.com

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Does your son do any outside activities that would make him more social, like baseball, basketball, soccer, even art/dance type classes? My son was very shy. Once he started playing sports, it made him a different person. He was always the smallest in his class. When he started high school, he was 4'7 and weighed 82lbs. He got his growth spurt in his junior year, and is now 21 and still growing. As far as academic goes, I personally don't like 6th grade with 7th and 8th, however I think it would be harder on a child to be left behind while all of his classmates are moving forward. I would enroll him in a academic program in the summer and see what happens. Good luck

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As I was scrolling down I thought, "the best thing they could do is hold him back and switch schools to lessen the impact." And you are switching schools! That's great.

Does your son have an IEP or a 504? If he does, call a meeting to address this issue. Include his resource teachers. If you haven't had your annual IEP, remember that you are a member of the team and you don't have to sign off on anything, but once you sign it is binding.

If you don't have an IEP, call the district and ask who you need to talk to about this. I think retaining him would be the best thing considering all factors. I cannot tell you how many parents I know who wish they had held their children back.

We tried to have our son held back, but he's the tallest child in his class and it may not have been for the best. Call in an independent evaluator who can back you up- an educational consultant or child psychologist. You will need to pay out of pocket for this. Call a meeting and don't back down. Tell the district that you feel this is necessary for his social and academic development.

If your new school is in a different district, call now and get the ball rolling. The school year is almost over.

No matter what you choose, you will feel doubt and perhaps regret. As a doula and a parent, trust your intuition. You know your child. Best of luck to you and to your sweet children.

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I'm so glad to see most people support holding him back. I don't have direct experience but my sister happened to tell me the story yesterday of a boy in her children's school who wanted to stay back and his parents finally agreed. Now the son is doing great. Switching schools makes it so much easier too as it'll only be obvious to your family. I think success breads confidence as they say and in turn, failure likely breads anger or depression. My sister held her daughter back in K bc she was little, struggling a bit etc and now her daughter is much more of a leader. Why wouldn't you hold him back? He wants to stay, he's small (huge issue for boys), he struggles in some spots... Seems like there's way less to lose trying it than forcing him to continue on a path that isn't working well. Good luck.

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HI!
I am a teacher in San Jose, and have taught K-5. I have retained kids and pushed some ahead who maybe should have been retained.

Generally RSP kids CANNOT be retained, and especially if the child is reading at grade level, as you indicated for your son.

You will fight an uphill battle to hold him back. Districts will want to push him ahead. Cheaper for them in the long run and also could mean a lawsuit to hold back a RSP kid or any kid with an IEP.

Good luck.

H.

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I think you've layed out a very good case for you son to stay in 5th....he's small, socially & physically immature....all things that could make him a target for being picked on. Remember, kids at the jr high level can be so very cruel. This is also the age where issues like your son's start to become much more problematic cuz other kids are maturing, hitting puberty & developing other intersts while your so will not which beomes very obvious. But, most important, your son is telling you he doesn't want to go. I say respect his wishes, let him do 5th again which will help him to ctach up w/his peers. If the school discourages retaining kids, then it's not the place for your son. They should understand his issues & your opinion as well as his & works w/you onthis.

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In my opinion, if you and your son think that he isn't ready academically for the 6th grade and he's switching schools either way then holding him back is probably the best idea. I don't think any harm will come of it, the extra year will give him a chance to mature and become really comfortable with the material. Have you spoken to any counselors at his new school? My advice would be to just keep asking around, I think you're doing everything correctly. Gather as much information as you can so that whatever your decision is, it's the right one.

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Hi,

It sounds like your son is really concerned about going on to 6th grade and has some very valid, real concerns. Why not let him have another year in the 5th grade. I don't see any harm in that-- I see that it would give him a little more time to catch up socially and in whatever areas he struggles in. Since he has already told you he wants to repeat the 5th, I would let him. If you decide to go ahead and put him in 6th, he may end up being too overwhelmed with everything and have a much harder time because he's just not ready yet. Good luck with your decision.

M.

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I don't have any first hand experience, but having him do 5th grade at another schools sounds like a good idea.

I do recommend contacting Parents Helping Parents in San Jose www.php.com for more information.

Also Schwab Learning used to have a good website on learning disabilities. I think nowadways its under www.greatschools.net I searched for schwablearning.org and got redirected to it. Something like www.greatschools.net/content/SpecialNeeds.page

Good luck

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I have a son who was a preemie. His physical development wasn't as fast as a full-term sybling. However, he tested "gifted", and was far ahead of most of his class in reading. Math and science were of absolutely no interest. Lots of bullying because of his size and immature social skills.

I held him back in fourth grade. As a teacher myself, I could see that he would fit in the next class much better than he fit in the class he was in. I also changed him to a private school that was very good academically and got him away from the bullys who had tormented him since kindergarten.

In the new school, with children his same size, and an academic program he fit seamlessly, he excelled. In fact, he learned so much and did so well, he coasted through high school and college on what he had already learned in seventh and eighth grade!!!!!

Staying back was a problem for him for a couple of months before it happened, but as soon as school started and he fit in so well physically and socially, he had no regrets. He still (at age 40) tells me he's glad I made that decision.

Keeping him in the same school may be a problem. But if you can transfer him to a new school, he's less apt to carry the stigma of being held back.

Analyze the situation carefully, and explain to your son that he's not being held back because he's dumb, but because the new situation would be better for him, and explain HOW it would be better.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!

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I think your intuitions are best and I agree that a little more time wouldnt be a bad thing for your son. We held back one of my sons for similar reasons in the 5th grade. The schools had been opposed to it for the previous 3 years we had suggested it. I felt each time he was on the cusp and I would have preferred to give him more time but they wanted him to press forward. How we accomplished this was by transferring schools. It eliminated alot of the schools arguments and the new school was private and he wasnt up to speed for their 6th grade so it meant sense to them too. Of course the kids at the new school didnt know or care if he was repeating. The new school also had mixed ages in their classroom so it was more important that each kid did what they needed to be doing.[Montessori]
Now my kid is going into 9th grade[different private school] and I feel while he still has learning styles different from mainstream he was well served by that year. good luck

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Hi April,
I was in a somewhat similar situation as your are. We happened to be switching schools at the time my daughter was going from 4 th to 5 th grade. She was having a hard time in 4th grade keeping herself organized. Her teacher said that all she needed was to keep herself organized and she would be fine. We truly believed her! What a load of BS. They
did not want to hold her back, they wanted to pass her to go into 5th grade ( to make themselves-and the school look good) She is still having a hard time in high school. She is more organized now than ever! That was not the problem! Never really was. It took me taking her from teacher to teacher to figure it out! I guess my point is This is a really good time for him to start over. Start fresh. New school, new friends, He still has some of his old ones. You could maybe ask how he would feel about maybe trying it again, it would be different, because he is at a different school, they do things a little different, he could maybe help, in the areas that he already knows well. I wish you luck.
I wish we had done this years ago.

1 mom found this helpful

Hold him back...as he is facing moving into a new community of kids, give him the extra comfort that he craves of being a little older than the rest.They won't notice that he has come from fifth since they were not with him before. I would have begun university at 14 if my parents had not held me back. My brain was ready,but not my heart, so I think they were wise.
P

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my daughter was held back because she was having a hard time with school that was too much for her. i am soooooo grateful that we did this. she was able to get the learning she deserved because she was not ready for what they were expecting her to do. she is now an adult (away at school). she will herself tell people that she is so happy she was not pressured. do what your heart and brain tells you to do for your child. good luck!!

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Hi April,

What a tough situation for you and your family.

I'm a teacher...

I read a great study about holding children back (sorry, can't remember the source). Unfortunately, according to the study, children who repeat a year do not suddenly excel the next year and become the top students. They still struggle. As a teacher, I see this. (FYI for other readers, the study did not address the starting age for kindergarten.)

On another note, I moved to a new city when I started sixth grade. It was a difficult transition. It was much easier when I moved on to middle school (which was grades 7, 8, 9) because everyone was new in the school. I really found my footing in eight and ninth grade, I seem to recall. It's a difficult age...

And yet another note, my daughter is four feet tall and 55 pounds. She's in kindergarten. I don't think she's the tallest in her class either. I say this just to say that kids come in all shapes and sizes. Being in fifth grade again won't change your son's size. He might still be the smallest. Your son will bloom when the time's right. My husband didn't grow until he was 16.

Why not arrange for your son to meet the sixth grade teacher at the new school? Or consider a charter school? Talk to the new school and try to arrange for your son to make a friend over the summer with someone who will be in his new class. Perhaps try taekwondo or other summer activity to meet people outside of school. My kid's class is beginners age five and up. The oldest are probably in middle school.

Good luck to you!!!!

1 mom found this helpful

A.:
If you didn't have second thoughts, no matter what your decision, you wouldn't be a great parent. We are always struggling with which fork in the road is best. All you can do is make your decision and stick to it with confidence. My guess is that you HAVE made your decision to keep him back. Have you discussed this with your son? How does he feel about it?
Maturity level is just as important as the academic competence. He should be in a group of his true peers, not peers of age, chronogically.

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If you are going to be switching schools, then I would definately hold him back in the 5th grade again. Also, what are the teachers recommending?

My stepdaughter has a June bday as well and we had to hold her back in the 2nd grade,(she is now in 5th going to 6th- will be 12 in June) but at that time she was changing schools and coming to live with me and my husband so we didn't have any reservations about keeping her behind. We are so thankful that we did because she still struggles. She does resource classes twice a week in math, plus tutoring once a week, yet she is still struggling and pretty much failing 5th grade math. As far as reading & writing, she is still 1 grade level behind, but catching up quickly.

She is now okay with being held behind and the issue never comes up anymore.

If your son wants to stay back, then don't push him through, my Stepdaughter didn't want to be held back and we had issues with that, but if we didn't hold her back then, we would have to be holding her back now. Hold him back while his peers will not notice, because if you don't do it now, you might have to do it later on, and if he is not socially ready to go to 6th grade, I wouldn't push the issue. Give him another year to develop.

Summer school is a good option, it is something that we do every year. (If your son qualifies). Over the summer tutoring would be helpful too. We all want our kids to have a break over the summer, but if having to work a little more over the summmer makes the school year easier then the payoff will be so much better, they won't see it at first, but when the school year comes around and they are struggling a little less, then they will be thankful.

Just a side note: After dealing with all of the issues we had to go through with my stepdaughter (my son who has a June Bday as well). We decided to hold him out a year and not put him in Kindergarten until age 6. It was the best decision we could have made. We put him in a 5-day pre-K program and he is thriving and ready to begin K at the end of July. I just only wish that my stepdaughter's mother would have done the same, instead of pushing her through, then I feel we wouldn't have all of the school problems that we do.

Best of luck on your decision! I hope I could help.

1 mom found this helpful

We held our daughter back and don't regret it. If anything she feels more intelligent because we just let her be who she is without too much concentration of where others think she should be. Trying her best and thriving while she enjoys learning is much more important than fitting into some box. She feels great self-esteem working at the rate she is comfortable with, and we focus on nurturing that. Wouldn't we all like that kind of understanding when learning new things?

If the odd comment gets made from an adult or child who lacks understanding, or is just a bully, we concentrate on our daughters feelings and helping her work through why people may say certain things, so she can separate the reason for their actions from comments regarding her perceived inabilities. But in reality, are not insensitive comments something every child must be taught to deal with at times, regardless of whether they are held back in school or not? They are just a fact of life, and something we need to teach our children how to work through in order to be well rounded adults.

You are his mom, you know him better than any teacher does, and you will be the one working through this with him and the consequences of choices made regarding this (not the teachers ultimately). With all due respect to the teachers for how much they give, they are not the end all and the be all when it comes to your sons rearing...that is your privilege and right. Maybe the best thing to do is take what they say with a grain of salt and really sit down to contemplate the little one you have come to know and love so much...and from that place do what you know is right for your son.

Your taking the time to show so much concern for this shows what a loving mom you are to your little one. It is that love that will help him to have a more full and enjoyable childhood to look back on, whatever your choice in this matter.

Hope this helps!

M.

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I personally was held back in school. and i had always been upset with my mom but once i graduated i was completly fine with the decision my mom made for me. I believe you should ask yur child how he feels about it and then go with your gut!!!!!! I ended up graduating a year an a half early in the long run. after i was held back i wasnt suppose to graduate till june of o6 and even if i wasnt held back i should of graduated june 05 and i graduated feb. 05. so in the long run think about whats going to be best for your child. I was in speaical ed from my 2nd year of kindagarten till 8th grade for every class except math. Good Luck

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Our friends held back their son in fifth grade and it was the best thing to ever happen to him. Although he was doing fine academically, he was struggling so much socially that they decided holding off on middle school was his best option. They wished they had done it sooner, but had worried about the horror stories the school kept spouting, so kept letting him move up a grade. He is now in 8th grade and doing great. He has a few really good friends (not really a 'lotsa friends' type of kid), and is happy to be starting high school next year with them.
I think sometimes schools don't realize the impact social interactions have on a child's education. Like it, or not, it is an important consideration. It sounds like this is an excellent opportunity to give your son another year of social growth before he really gets thrown into the mele that is middle school. If he's fine with it and you're fine with it, the school will have to get fine with it. :o)

Just for the record, when I say middle school, that doesn't mean a school designated as such. My oldest daughter went to a K-8 and still the amazing change in attitudes, behavior, and social scene, etc. that happened between 5th and 6th grade was a bit scary. :o)

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Hi!
I have never had to hold back my child, but I have volunteered at my elementary school for 9 years, 6 to 8 hours a week. I mostly am in a third grade class now. Our school refuses to hold back children also. I think you should go ahead and hold him back. It sounds like emotionally he is not ready and another year would make all the difference. He would already know or been exposed to everything and that would make him a big fish in a little pond. His confidence will be boosted immensely, and he may be able to help others, especially in reading. There was a little boy , very much like your son, except he could barely read. My teacher friend wanted him to be held back, his Grandma didn't. His mother was undecided. He wasn't held back, and now two years later, he is still behind and struggling.We can see that he has been set up to fail...They get so far behind they get discouraged, and don't want to keep trying. What is the use? I don't know what "horror" stories they are trying to impress on you, don't listen.They just want to say that they don't hold anybody back. From what you are saying I think the best thing you can do, especially if he is going to a new school, is to hold him back.Please, hold him back!
You can email me if you want to talk some more. I will help you all I can.
Good luck with this!
M. Neider

1 mom found this helpful

Hi -- I would definitely consider having your son start at the new school in 5th grade. My kids' school also combines 6/7/8. And my daughter was also the smallest in her class and less assured socially. She was very uncomfortable with all the big kids and more grown-up behavior. She requested herself to stay in 5th grade a 2nd year. Because her grades were good, we were confused and reluctant. But a space opened up in the 5th grade, 9/11 happened, and the teachers agreed that our daughter could move back. She is now 18, heading off to college in the fall. She has never regreted the decision to stay in 5th grade!

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April,
I would not hold him back just for math. It sounds like he is fine in all the other subjects. I also would not send him to the Jr. high that your other one had trouble with. Get him into a sixth grade only school/program.
W. M.

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Usually the biggest struggle is getting child buying and you have it.

I would want to be sure that your son does not believe his school life will magically change if he repeats 5th grade. He may have a fantasy that all will be right with his world and if that doesn't happen.....

It is better to retain early, K-2nd.

A year of relax and fill in holes could be just the thing he needs and moving to a new school makes it that much easier.

Intensive work over the summer with a program that knows how to deal with his LD issues may also help. Don't count of RSP services. They are overloaded and doing the best they can, which often isn't enough. Get him in an individualized, summer intensive math program. His confidence will grow, which will open the doors for learning in school (classroom and RSP).

I say, if all are ready, willing, and able (able to understand this is not the miracle cure), let him repeat 5th gr.

Stephanie

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Hello,
I do not have a child who was held back in school, but I was. I went through 3rd grade twice, at the same school. Honestly, I think it was the best thing my parents could have done. My biggest issues was/is English, spelling, reading, etc. I still struggle with it, but often wonder if I would have failed school if I didn't do the 3rd grade twice. Another thing they did was send me to Sylvan Learning Center when I hit high school and was still having issues (I saw a tutor from the summer before 7th grade on, also). Sylvan brought my reading level from 6th grade level to a sophomore level (I was a freshman).
If your son is telling you he wants to stay back, and you know it's from his heart not just concerns he's probably heard adults around him saying, then I would do it, but that's just my opinion.
Best of luck!
C.
PS. You my want to also consider the type of school he is currently at vs the one he will be going to. Between my cousins and my family there were 6 kids, 3 of the kids did great at our elementary school and 3 of us did not. From that, I learned there are different styles that work for each kid, not to mention the attention they can give to each kid.

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I think it seems like a good idea to let him repeat 5th grade, for all the reasons you cited. You have already gotten a lot of good advice. The one thing I really wish to add might sound corny, but I truly believe it. Follow your heart. You and your husband are ultimately the "experts" on your son. No one cares about him and his future more than you. You have nothing but his best interests in your heart. Sometimes I think as moms we get bogged down with the hard decisions, and actually we know in a deep place inside all along what is best for our own child. Let yourself get in a quiet place - maybe go for a walk in a beautiful place - and let yourself think about it. What does your heart (or your gut) tell you? Sometimes we just have to get in touch with what is inside us. I think you already know what is best.

I wish you much luck with this; it must be hard, and I wish your son the best outcome in life for all his struggles.

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Slowing things down a little sounds like a great idea to me.
We didn't experience "Retention" ( new euphemism for holding kids back) but my son has a learning disability (language processing, and maybe some dyslexia), and when we finally got him into Special Ed (because he couldn't read, even though he was really smart), in spite the fact I knew it was the right thing for him, I worried that he would feel too "different" or that he would experience "social rejection" because of it.

Well, he has been like a whole new kid, and he is doing SO well! He went from NOT knowing the letters/sounds, to reading on a 2nd grade level in 2 years. And he is happy, and has lots of friends.

Some kids just need a slower pace to get a stronger foundation for learning, and some more confidence.

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Hi A.,
During all my years of teaching 4-5-6th, I held one child back. Your son sounds like his twin! Since you are moving him to a different school and he is agreeable, I say go for it! His self-esteem should be put above all else. Good luck...keep us informed! N.

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Hi, I have never had to keep one of my kids back, but I have worked at an elem school for 11 years. First, if you have THE OPTION of holding him back, you are lucky. Has the teacher recommended this? It sounds like your family is all on board with it, even the kid!, so hold him back. But what do his teachers say, including the RSP teacher? If he has an IEP, and attends special ed, or is being watched (student study team SSTetc) for Special Ed etc(for the math), it would be wise to see what the pros think.
Switching schools is hard too. Better the enemy you know and all that-

They don't hardly EVER hold kids back these days (sadly- because many need it and would survive academically with a repeated yr), especially in low tax brackets like where I work. It is another EXTRA year's $ after all, and they say it can be bad for their self esteem. They usually only do repeats in kinder and first anymore, IF EVER.
That said...my kids were fall babies, and if I had it to do OVER, I would wait til they were 5 to start K. My girls were so tiny,had no boobies or periods, but were academically way higher...they often related better SOCIALLY to the class BEHIND them.
Sooo, how does your son relate with the class behind him? If that is an issue too, I would just go with teacher recomendation. If he does fine with them, put him there.
btw, I loved what you said about yr son's info processing. Good luck, K.

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The fact that he is physically smaller than his peers and socially less mature mean that holding him back is probably best. This will give him that needed catch up time and hopefully next year he will feel confident and ready to tackle the extra work and all the pressure that comes with it. The decision I made to hold my son back had a great deal to do with confidence and breaking the negative self-esteem cycle he was in. Ultimately, I decided I wanted my son to have a love for learning for life...and that was paramount. He is way taller than his peers and stands out from them. But the decision to hold him back made him more aware of his gifts and gave him the confidence to learn. We still struggle, but the pressure is not as great as it would be had we not held him back. If you decide to hold him back, make sure to convey to him that your decision was based on giving him optimum learning conditions that would help celebrate his gifts and alleviate a lot of the pressures that so many students feel in these times. And for yourself, read "Doing School" by Denise Clark Pope for some additional perspective.

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Hi April,
My oldest son was very intelligent, but had 3 learning disabilities that made it incredibly difficult in school. Although he was on the smaller side physically, he had amazing social skills, and was a natural leader. His youngest brother was also very bright and physically small. He was very quiet, and needed his alone time. My youngest son had a terrible time in his junior high years. We know that it's not so much what happens to a person, but what they believe about themselves as a result that causes the damage that many people struggle their whole lives with.

Junior high is tough enough for kids who aren't struggling with learning challenges. I would not put my son in a place where he is going to feel like a constant failure. What do you see is the cause of him not being able to keep friends? Have you considered homeschooling him? There are many homeschooling groups you could join. It's interesting that Homeschooled children are really much less "peer dependent", and accept and enjoy a wide age level of friends. That might be the greatest gift you could give you son. Give him the time he needs to understand the concepts he is supposed to learn without the pressure of public failure at a time when he is most vulnerable emotionally.

I hope this helps and send my blessings to you and your family.
D.

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I don't have direct experience, but all the warning signs are there that he should repeat 5th grade. It might be a different story if he had close friends and was adamant about being moved up, but he doesn't want to and it doeasn't sound like he is ready. Moving him to a new school might be a good idea to avoid any social stigma.

So the SCHOOL is adamant? They have their own agenda - they are up against the wall with unfunded mandates, cuts to programs and on and on. But their first priority has to be what is best for the child not what looks best on the schools performance evaluation.

Go with your gut instinct. Horror stories abound from every decision a parent can make, so don't buy into what isn't right for your own personal situation. Pushing a child can be as bad as holding back.

Good luck!

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I held my son back in Kindergarten. He was born in August and he too was the youngest and smallest. it didn't bother him much in elementary but in middle school it bothers him alot!! He see's his friends in higher grades then him and he is older then alot of kids in his current grade. He also has ADHD and attends RSP. I wish I had never held him back despite his school difficulty. It bothers my son all the time. He will be 13 this August, and will be in the 7th grade. He knows that next year should have been the year he graduated. There is not a whole lot of data out there that supports the retention of children is better for them in fact it is detremental to their self esteem, and personally i beleive that. I hope my words and my situation can help you resolve your problem. Take care.

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Since you asked, I beg you to look at schools that meet your son where is at, not where the schools are at developmentally or based on content standards. That has nothing to do with his needs and it will only cause more duress for your family, as you know.

He will arrive. He can learn. He clearly needs a different type of support.
Look for all the obvious, public charters, waldorf, montissori,and community private..but peer issues are real..Please look at K12.com, independent study and unschooling/homeshooling options. Your life, career and spirit clearly match the concepts.

email me and I will share what we are about to do for our son...

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My experience is that holding a child back is often a social disaster for them. My son has extensive learning disabilities, and his teacher recommended he be held back in second grade. I agreed to it, not realizing that the other kids would talk about him "flunking," and call him a dummy, and his former friends would avoid him. It was rough, and he only got through it because he has athletic skills, and he gains a certain amount of status from this.

However, it sounds like your son might really benefit socially from being held back, especially if he wants to do it. If you decide to do it, though, definitely move him to a different school, and warn him that other kids may be mean to him if he lets them know he was held back.

I also think it is an absolute disaster for a lot of kids to have to attend 6th grade with 7th and 8th graders. Kids need to be kids, and to enjoy being kids, for as long as possible, without being rushed into adolescence. There must be some monetary benefit to moving sixth graders from elementary school to middle school. I certainly can't see any academic benefit.

Kudos to you for asking about, and thinking about, all the potential consequences. You should also know that you are very lucky that your son is a reader, despite his learning disabilities. A reader can always do well academically, and a reader never gets bored.

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I agree with Molly's advice: If your son doesn't mind repeating 5th grade, it might be best all around. He will be starting fresh with new friends, and he will helpfully fit in better socially. I started a new school in 6th grade (in a new town) and it was very tough for me socially and academically, despite my being a good student. 5th graders might be more receptive to a "new kid" than the 6th graders are...

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I don't have the experience to give you advice on your son. I just know that my husband also struggled in school. He was put in special classes and even held back in kindergarten. All of this really hurt his self esteem. He always felt stupid even though he isn't and never was. Everyone learns differently, yet we're all taught in the same way. And when kids don't catch on as fast or are being taught the wrong way for them, they're made to feel even worse by the very people who are supposed to make them feel confident. So I guess I just wanted to share my experience with you in hopes that it may help to give you a diffent point of view.

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Hi April-
First and foremost, you need to do what is best for YOUR child. It sounds like he could use a little extra help in math, and there is no reason on this earth why- especially if he is game for it- that you should move him to 6th grade when he isn't ready.
Second, I was not held back, BUT, I did have to repeat math courses. I took pre-algebra twice- the first time was a disaster, the second time I scored straight A's. ALgebra was the same. I consider myself intelligent, a great reader, etc., but math requires alot of extra work for me. It can be done, and I definitely succeeded, but it was alot of work.
Third, I graduated school with a girl who was almost 20. She was one of the more brilliant girls, and I am not sure if she was held back or what happened, but it did not hinder her abilities any, and socially she turned out quite well despite the awkward start.
Last, I knew a boy in school that was held back- and socially, it did not hurt him. Scholastically, I think it was a positive, giving him more time to learn and spend on things that he struggled with. There is nothing wrong with being held back one year. But I truly believe there is something wrong with pushing kids forward when they are not able to keep up with the work. THere are people graduating from High school with less than a 4th grade reading level who can't fill out job applications and cannot add their own change back from a purchase at a register. THAT is a problem. I've seen it with friends and my husband sees it with the kids he works with daily.
I think you are being responsible, and your son has given you the perfect opportunity to help him out. YOu never know, this second time around may make things really click for him both socially and educationally. I believe it is worth it.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your decsion.
-E.

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A.,

I want to commend you for being such great parents. You have discussed this with your son and the school and you are still seeking advice. Your children are blessed to have YOU as parents!!!

As for MY advice, I would say that holding him back is probably your best bet. HE wants it and YOU two seem to be leaning more towards it as well. I have a 16 yr old that I started in Kindergarten at age 4. (His DOB is in late Oct...so we went to a Charter school) It worked out great till about 5th and 6th grade. He is lean to start, but being a year younger didn't help him either. He has always been VERY bright in every subject, but struggled TERRIBLY socially. I would watch him on the playground from my back yard at reccess time and I would cry. He would just walk around aimlessly, because he had very few friends. He was quiet and withdrawn. He insisted that he didn't want to be held back...and I was not wanting to either...because he was so advanced for his age. He is much more social now, but it took him till the middle of his Freshman year to come out of his shell. (Not to mention the boost he got after puberty) I would listen to my child (If I were in your position)...he knows what he wants and is pretty sure of his currents needs. You can't go wrong if he is not fighting you on your decision. He is old enough to weigh in, and it seems he has. The school can't MAKE you do something you and your child are against....if they try, maybe that is NOT the school you want your child at after all! Maybe a Charter school with more one on one would be better for him anyway at this point.

I hope that helps! Have a Blessed day...and keep up the GREAT parenting!!!

M....

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My husband had a similar situation when he was a child. His parents decided to hold him back in the fourth grade. At first he was upset, but he says it was the best decision they could have made and that he realized it a couple months into that school year!

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I have a son who had trouble in school but it would have been hard on him to hold him back so I spent 2 hrs every night with him helping him. We would work for 15 min. and then I had him get up and run around the house for 5 min. He had a great attitude about it.

Every child is so different that you pray you are doing the right thing. If he wants to be held back I don't think it is a bad thing since he is going to a new school. My sister started all 4 of her boys a year late in school. They were on honor roll. Usually boys have a more difficult time than girls.

I did a lot of praying for God's wisdom. I am not saying I did everything right but I could not do it on my own.

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HI April, I help my son back and he is 10 and going into the 4th grade, so he will be 10 turning 11 in the 5th grade. We have had no problems socially and he is academically at grade level. I am glad I made the choice.
Good luck, R.

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My son goes to a school where they are in 3 year blocks-3-6, 6-9, 9-12. I ended up keeping him in the 3-6 class for an additional year so that he could become more of a leader and continue to master his skills prior to moving on to the more challenging class. It was both good and bad. Socially he really did blossom. However, I think he could have been challenged more academically. I was worried that he would be a year behind for the rest of his schooling but in the end that extra year will probably benefit him both academically and in any extra curricular activities. I think you deep down know what is right and you and your husband need to make the decision that is best for your child regardless of how the school feels. As parents we know our children better than anyone else!
Good Luck with making this decision.

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Dear A.,
You have a golden opportunity in switching schools to do the right thing for your son and let him repeat 5th grade. And if he wants to do it as well, you're doing the best thing and just ignore anyone who tells you otherwise. Follow your gut, and I can tell that your gut says let him repeat. If later he finds that he could skip a grade or graduate early from high school, fantastic. But mark my words, he'll just continue to struggle if you put him ahead, and he'll forget what success looks like. My son is 22 now, and he's finally discovering the joy of learning again after skipping 2nd grade--the worst thing I ever allowed to happen.

Follow your heart and do the right thing for your son. You know what it is.

Best of luck.
L.

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Yuk. I could have written your question. Let me tell you what happened with us. My son started having issues in second grade. In 3rd grade they started asking about putting him on meds for ADD. We declined the meds but started to work with him more. He was smart! He read at a very high level and could work great if he could work one on one or with less distractions.
He was one of the younger kids all through school. He had issues socially as well. Immature for the groups and he tended to make friends much easier with the lower grades. In 8th grade things got far worse. His grades were failing and we had tried everything to give him all the help possible. I wanted to keep him back in middle school as he had a really hard year. They fought me all the way. I ended up talking to the high school counselors and they said to go ahead and let him go up to the next level and they will help us work with him more. Long story short. It got a lot worse. He ended up with no credits for his 9th grade year. After another fight, we pulled him from traditional high school and enrolled him into independent study. In one year, he made up his 9th grade credits and half of his 10th grade credits. He is still a bit behind but had I kept him in the school, he would have kept on the same path.
Looking back, we faced the exact same issue you did. We moved to another school and we felt that was the absolute best time to keep him back as he can make new friends and start fresh. We didnt do it and now i regret it. I think my son could have done so much better if we would have stayed with our instincts. While I think that a lot of teachers have good intentions, we know our kids best. We have to fight for them. We have to do whats best as they dont have to deal with the aftermath. We do.
The argument they gave us was, socially, it is bad for him to see his friends move up but they stay back. But look at what happened now? He is now schooled at home. So was it really better to not keep him back? no
My advice to you, if you feel that keeping him back is the better alternative for your child. Then do it.

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You could look at this situation not so much as "holding back" but "starting over" for your son. It's great that he has this opportunity to make a change from a situation that is not working for him due to factors that he cannot change, such as his age and maturity level. Boys often mature more slowly than girls and are less prepared for the demands of a school setting, so as a teacher I always recommend giving boys a little more time to mature before beginning school. The boys then are on a more equal footing with the girls, and not always struggling to keep up (this is a generalization, but it seems to apply in your son's case). Everyone who started their son "late" for kindergarten, or had him repeat a grade, has strongly felt that they made the right move. No regrets, plenty of relief. The biggest hurdle in "repeating" a grade is the child's possible feelings of embarrassment among his/her peers and that isn't the case with your son: his new classmates won't necessarily know that he's repeating, and most of all he is wanting to repeat. I would give him this opportunity to start over, and to succeed.
Good luck, G. O.

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Hi,
Based on the infomation you provided it sounds like keeping him in 5th is the best thing to do. I don't see a down side. It would give him time to mature and re do the subjects he may have had problems with. He won't be much different in age then the kids in his class because many parents don't send kids wiht June birthdays to kindergten when they are 5, many wait till they are 6. My daughter attends private school and we were told they almost never allow a boy who turns 5 after May to start school that year. They can't pass the assessmento and they just aren't mature enough. it holds them back their entire school career. So keeping him in 5th may be just what he needs to do better in school. He is very lucky to have parents who care as you do
good luck
J.

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I think you should listen to your son and hold him back. Giving him a stronger foundation will give him a better chance to do well in high school where it really counts. Mother of three grandmother of 7. I have been a teacher for a total of 28 years. High school teacher for 25 years. I taught special eaducation for 9 years and algebra for 19 years. Good luck with this tough decision.
J.

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My mom wanted to hold me back in the third grade and I absolutely protested, eventhough we moved to a different town and no one would know. but I didn't want to do an extra year of school! I have a November b-day, and started early so I was a little younger than most - I did well in school, but looking back maybe my mom was right as it was challenging to keep up it seemed. I think the fact that both you and your son want to stay back you should go with it, especially since you both agree on it.

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Hi. I have not held my kids back, however, I have many friends with boys who did hold their sons back during kindergarten and they are really happy that they did. One friend moved to Colorado and she said that it is almost standard procedure to hold back boys at that age level. From what you have written, having your son repeat the 5th grade would be a wonderful thing for him. Why not give him the opportunity NOW to get up to speed rather than have him struggle and fall out of the system later. You are smart to do this now. Boys develop socially slower than girls anyway so I see having him repeat the 5th grade as an overall win/win situation all the way around.

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Research shows that if you want to retain a child, you should do so as early as possible, preferably in kindergarten and first grade. Most "horror stories" about retained kids mainly involve situations where the parent(s) and/or kid weren't really buying into the idea of repeating a year. Because of that resistance, there are more problems. If the family and child are on board and think it is a good idea, then it will be more likely to be successful, mainly because the attitude is different.

I teach high school and I see a lot of "pushed ahead" kids who are socially less mature than their peers. It causes complete havoc for the student, as they cannot mentally handle the academic load, social transitions, etc. They can't sit still as well, pay attention as well, and they start to panic because they realize school is suddenly hard. If your son is having social issues and he is not even pushed ahead, he'll face even tougher challenges on the road ahead.

The one thing I would be careful of is how your son deals with social and academic issues after a retention year. You cannot allow him to think that every time things get tough, he can just redo the entire year. So you'll have to work with him to build some skills and strategies to keep moving forward too. It *is* a good attitude to think, "Gee...I can do better. Let me try again." BUT this can turn into "I don't want to try a new thing because it might be too hard" if you're not careful.

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I would suggest homeschooling him for a year to keep him up with everyone while letting him keep his own pace. It sounds like he's smart, and not ready for junior high yet. My best friend's mother did this for her son, one year to give him some special attention, and it worked wonderfully for them. He entered 7th grade at the normal time, made LOTS of friends (at least he did in high school) and was always doing well academically.
A lot of people say to hold him back, which sounds better to me than sending him onward, but I think that a year of homeschooling would give him the time he needs and get him up to level by 7th grade.

Before holding him back, I would have him hang out with some 4th graders and see if he is more at ease socially, as they would be his friends the next year.

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I to struggled with holding my son back who at the time was in 5 th grade (now in 7th) he is the smallest in his class and always has been.... he never struggle academically but socially for sure..... always being teased for his size and how he wears glasses. The teachers were very supportive but the priciple wasn't. My husband i agonized over it and he certainly didn't want to be held back. We worried about his friends that he had how he would miss them and not go with them to middle school.So when 6 th grade came around it was our last chance to decide and looking back now wish we would have done it regardless of his feelings, in the long run i think it would have been so much better for him socially because we all know how cruel kids can be and now being in the 7 th going into 8 th it is to late to hold him back. I regret not doing it and really wish i would have. I say go for it ! If he is wanting it then what the school wants does not matter your son's well being and happiness through out his school years is more important ! Good Luck !

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What a tough decision your family is facing. But just from reading your story, you have a tremendous amount of love for your son. My daughter game to live with us when she was 10. She and my husband are from Colombia so English was not her first language. I got her started on Hooked on Phonics immediately and she was speaking English quickly. However when she started here she was in the 5th grade, but had missed most of our school year(she came in April), and in Colombia their school year was just starting. Her school didn't have any problems sending her on to 6th grade, but we just didn't feel that she was ready for that, so we held her back and had her do fifth grade again. I think it was the best choice for her. She is now graduating in June and has done well. She had reached all of her credits even before the beginning of the school year and past her exit exam in the 10th grade. Often, we do have to push her(or I do), but that's just because she is not a self motivator, but she always gets an A for being the Social Butterfly. We are really glad that we held her back because truthfully, though at 18 (soon to be 19)her maturity has really come to match her age, at least at a constant rate, but she is coming along. We are extremely proud of her and have no regrets about her choice. I think if your son is really struggling now and has problems with kids his own age and is really fearful of moving on you should error on the side of caution and have him do the fifth grade over again. Not being the smallest kid will help boost his confidence and if he is going to go to a new school, he won't get the teasing about being held back because no one will know. This is the perfect opportunity. God bless you and your family.

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I think a new school is a good idea. Bottom line is that the one he is at has not served him as well as you'd have liked (not saying they're doing a bad job, it just isn't right for your child). Why not shop around to a few different schools and see where he might fit in best?

Once you've found the school where you think their teaching style will work for your son, you can ask them to test and place him into the appropriate grade. Perhaps he needs some extra tutoring in math to catch him up in that area, or maybe he will struggle with math no matter what grade he's in, and it is what it is. I had a friend in grade school who switched schools and was held back a year (I think it was in 6th grade?) and she turned out fine. I think it's just a matter of figuring out if holding him back will truly help or not - his current teachers could probably provide some insight on this as well.

Good luck. It's a tough decision and I don't think there is a clear-cut answer either way.

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Hi A.,
I held back both of my boys one in the first grade (suggested by the school) and one in the fourth grade (that I felt was struggling way to much with his school work). We sent them both to a new school and I feel it was one of the best things that we ever did. However when they got older they would make comments about how I held them back. We moved to a new school district and they did very well. My only suggestion is to reinforce your reasons to your son and listen to how he would feel about it and then do what you think is in his best interest. Good luck do what your heart says is best for your child and it will usually turn out okay.
W. P.

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It's never easy to know what to do but it sounds like you and your husband have thoroughly considered everything and your son seems to feel he needs to say back, so I would hold him back. We held my grandson back in 4th grade and it was the best thing we could have done for him. It helped him to catch up and fill in the gaps so he was ready for 5th grade when he went. he is doing much better, has better self-esteem and likes school again. Don't worry about what the school wants - they don't love your son like you do and it's really no skin off their nose if your son gets an education or not! You do what you think is right - the school may not like it but they will have to choice but to accept it. Stand up for your son and what you know is right for him. don't EVER put too much stock in ANYTHING the school tells you - you know your son better than they do. This is my third time around with kids in school and I've learned to take the teachers and administrators with a grain of salt. I pay very close attention to my grandchildren's skills and learning level and do what i KNOW is best for them regardless of what the school wants. The schools have one goal - get kids in so they can get money so they can get a raise or more benefits or whatever!

My advice is to listen to your son's concerns. If he doesn't feel ready socially for the sixth grade, and if he is not concerned about being held back, I would follow my gut, and hold him back. Since he is changing schools, there won't be the problem of everyone knowing he is repeating a grade. Social development and a child's being happy and having friends is as important as academic advancement. Also, 6th graders shouldn't be taking PE with 7th and 8th graders, particularly if they have to change clothes together; it is inappropriate.

A little about me: I am a child and adolescent psychiatrist with a son 18 and a daughter 12

As a 6th grade teacher, I recommend that you keep him in 5th grade, especially if he is questioning moving up. I see kids who come into my grade all the time that are not ready.

It gets so much harder in 6th grade and if he isn't doing super well now, he would be better off now staying back than when he is older.

good luck

April & Sam,
My daughter had some of the same issues your son has at the same age. We were really torn as to retain her or not. Her teacher was recommending it but our daughter was so dead set against it! "I'd rather be the dumbest one than to flunk" She painfully told us. After some agonizing thought we decided to retain her. What a great choice! It gave her time to mature some, catch up physically to other kids and more time to get some math concepts under her belt befor middle school.

Guess what? We made that hard choice some time ago because she grew up, went to college, got her masters in education and has taught 5th grade for the last 6 years!
Good luck with your boy! "Whose time table is it anyway?"
P.

Hi April,
I'm a resource specialist and have worked will K-12. The research doesn't support retaining students, but I think it is personal decision with in your family. I think you have two major things going for you. The first being he will get a fresh start at a new school and the second being he is on board with the retention.

Good Luck,
H.