Need Advice on Gift Giving to Family Members

Updated on August 11, 2009
C.M. asks from Ocala, FL
28 answers

I am a member of a rather large family who gathers for birthdays (and there are a lot of them!) My frustration occurs when I go to buy gifts for extended family members that are wealthy......my husband and I are not! In my opinion, we are gathering to honor the "birthday" person, and it shouldn't be all about the price of the gift. However, others obviously don't feel the same way. I like to attend, as it is the only time I get to see some of the family, but, I really dread the opening of the presents, as it seems my gift is opened last, and seems so "cheap" compared to the others. I know it sounds very shallow, but, it is hurtful.....I appreciate any suggestions you may have. Thank You!

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D.G.

answers from Boca Raton on

Be proud of who you are and give as thoughtful a gift for each person as you can. Screw anyone who doesn't understand and have compassion for those who are less fortunate. If you want to take the road that "sticks" it to them, you could write a card saying that although it is their birthday and since they are so fortunate you just KNEW they would rather the gift go to a more unfortunate person and state that you have made a donation to whatever charity in their name. It will make it almost impossible for anyone to make any remark other than "What a wonderful thought." Make it something like St. Jude's Childrens Hospital and I guarantee all you will hear is praise or crickets chirping as everyone slinks away in embarrassment for spending so lavishly while children are suffering and dying. An added bonus: you truly are doing the right thing by giving to those less fortunate if they are so well off.

1 mom found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Tampa on

for what its worth the way i handle the snobs in my very large family is i make up a very nice gift book, each coupon is good for 1 washing dishes, 1 for a car wash and wax, 1 for a yard mow and de weed,1 for waiting on them hand and foot, and boy did they play that one up but they loved it, you get the idea.
my mom and grand mother really loved the idea, it meant more to both of them than any gift they got.
good luck J.

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K.W.

answers from Miami on

Hi C.,

I have always appreciated the well thought out gift - my favorite dessert recipe - the dry goods (flour, sugar, etc) in a mason jar attached with a ribbon and maybe some cooking utensils to go with it and the recipe card. Or a scrap book of sorts for kids - how special you are and listing ways you thin they are special. I know these are all time consuming, but they always seem to impress those on the recieving end. Also you can make a nice gift by personalizing it yourself - buyign towels at the local Marshals or Ross and going to an embroidery store and having them put initials or symbols/pictures on it. Hope this helps!

1 mom found this helpful
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S.W.

answers from Miami on

No need to continue feeling lesser than ignorance, or "holier than thou" You are taking on a lot of guilt.
People who make fun of others are assholes. Period.
Be your kind self and give a donation to a charity in their name, which will really shake their tree....

My extended family practices "secret santa" where we draw a name and then have fun finding out the recipients' wish list. Usually there's a limit to cost. But everyone gets excited keeping the secret until christmas day. This can apply to birthdays as well.

Bottom line, what you give is from the heart, not the wallet. Be happy you have wealthy people in your family and delight in their folly. But don't take it personally that you watch your budget, that's your choice. Stick to it.
Blessings, S.

1 mom found this helpful
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F.R.

answers from Pensacola on

The people that matter don't care... and the people that care shouldn't matter.
You do what you feel is best. If you know the child and what they like, try to tailor their gift to their personality, but you don't have to buy anything outlandish to make a good impression. You could get some vouchers for a local movie theater and attach it to a bag of popcorn if you need a more generic gift. Books always make great gifts.
Stop feeling guilty over it. You are probably the only one that notices how "cheap" your gift seems. Be confident in yourself. And being there to celebrate with someone is greater than any gift anyway. :o)

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H.S.

answers from Orlando on

You are making alot of meaning out of this gift. You bought what you thought appropriate as a gift and then gave it to them. How they react with it is up to them. Be proud of yourself and dont react to stuff

1 mom found this helpful
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P.M.

answers from Port St. Lucie on

When I was married my brother in law was single and in the position of buying for our 2 kids and my other brother in laws 3 kids, as well as the adults. He finally asked if we would not buy presents for each other at birthdays and Christmas, only for the children. The whole family agreed. However my ex and I would buy something for the single man and say it was "from the kids". Maybe this kind of thing is something you can discuss with your family. You can often find nice things that are not expensive if you look for them at consignment shops, thrift stores, etc. My mother is the queen of finding expensive items for a lot less than they were originally worth. For all you know maybe other family members are doing that! In my family my brother and I will chip in together to buy something for my parents or vice versa. Myself I wouldn't worry about it. Maybe your family understands the issue and they don't think about like you do. Maybe they don't think about the price tag and it's YOU who is worried that the gift seems "cheap". What's important to me is that the gift is special and that the person knows you put effort into getting them exactly what they might like or want. Now if someone has made an issue or a comment about the cheapness of your gift then as far as I'm concerned they are not worthy of another.

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C.S.

answers from Jacksonville on

C.,

A nice " priceless gift" can be a photo you want to blow up to 5x7 or 8x10 (cost usually less than $3 @ Walgreens) and put in a nice, but, not necessarily expensive, frame (wALMAT HAS SOME GREAT FRAMES FOR $3-$5 ). I do this every year for Christmas for my siblings and often times their Birthdays. Doesn't have to be a professional pic, just one you like. There are alot of us and none of us can afford to do the expensive thing. It could be a group pic of your family ,their family, just a candid shot of a family member(s), your parents, etc . I've never had anyone say a negative thing about it, they always love them. I've even had neices /nephews /grandchildren over and taken them to a great location,(park on the river)and took pics, it can even be a reprint of an old photo !

Lots of happy pic taking, C.

1 mom found this helpful

A.F.

answers from Orlando on

It appears that they might not get it or change....so change the way you view it. Are you giving from your heart with good intentions?...Ofcourse you are - so let it be. They are shallow - THEY need to check their intentions.

I know how you feel. If you ever need to vent - I am here for ya!

Keep your Head up!

A.

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M.O.

answers from Tampa on

I would go with something personal as well. The best thing you can do, if you have the time, is make something by hand. Scrapbooks are the best and/or picture frames. And if you don't have pictures to put in them you can do a scrapbook so they can put their own pictures in it later. Or buy or make something with their name on it. I'm sure they won't get one from someone else. They will appreciate it more since you took the time to make it yourself. Worth more than money!
Good luck.

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J.H.

answers from Pensacola on

I have begun to make their favorite dish or dessert. I give something with a scripture or wisdom, figurine, inspirational book, etc., I also do movie tickets, gift certificates to a place out to eat or to dinner theatre. I can't beat gift prices so before I leave I always make a point of telling the person about a random act of kindness I witnessed them do, or a funny thing they said and tell them that I love them. It adds more of a personal touch and the sincerity is felt.

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S.S.

answers from Tampa on

I have had gift giving frustration with extended family members, too, so I understand. It is a terrible feeling. I've learned that no matter how much I spent, they were judgemental and unhappy with the gifts. So, I started shopping the summer sales and the after holiday sales. I get everything 50%-75% off the original price. I can spend $10 and it looks like $20-$40 or more. If they don't like it, I don't care. I got a great deal which was fun for me and the gifts are very generous, more than I could usually afford. Now that I don't worry if they will like it, I just expect that they won't. I have learned not to seek approval from people that will never give it to me. Hang in there, I know it's tough. But I please myself with my smart shopping and am satisfied with that. I also find it less stressful to shop ahead of time instead of near the birthday or holiday. It takes away a lot of pressure.

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B.W.

answers from Orlando on

I have a large family and extended family as well, and love any chance to get together with them all. I am the poorest of the bunch however, being the single mom of a son in college. Everyone looks forward to my gifts because they never know what they'll get, but they know it'll be fun. I usually go to a dollar store and pick through the silliest things. You'd be surprised how far $20 or $30 can go. Such things as squirt guns, bubble blowing toys and soap, silly hats, army men for guys, tiaras and boas for girls, puzzles, grill liters, candles, frisbees, glow sticks, silly sunglasses, etc. Always, the bubbles are opened at the parties. People need an excuse to be a kid again, and I like to provide it. Use your imagination- make it a themed gift and load it all up in a great big gift bag with ribbons and balloons. It's worth a try. Good luck!

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M.H.

answers from Gainesville on

Do you have a Beall's Outlet near you? I do all my gift shopping there, as you can get name brand (expensive-looking) items for cheap. I usually get toys there for kiddie parties, but you can get really nice baby items and name brand kids clothing too. The toys are also name brand stuff, but really CHEAP! For our last party for a 4yo, I got a Speed Racer Hot Wheels set (brand name Hot Wheels) and two extra Hot Wheels cars for $10. Cheaper than I could get it at Wal-Mart even. You can also get books, gift sets, and even journals, or unique home decor items for adults.

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T.A.

answers from Tampa on

i hear ya! i have been through a similar situation with a past marrage. i would either tell them to "deal with it," or do a little research, and find out what they need or want that i can afford. you can give an inovative gift of any "low priced type", thoughs are always cool! it sounds like your rich family has the "problem", and not you; they also shouldnt leave your presents for last, but what can you do? maybe give the birthday person your gift yourself, (and first). you can tell them how much you thought about them, and why you picked that special gift (just for them.) just some thoughts! good luck, and GOd bless!

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A.P.

answers from Jacksonville on

Hi. I know the feeling. I am making 2 suggestions - based on my gift-giving over the past year, and my line of work. The first is, set yourself apart by giving a "green" gift. Need suggestions? Go to my website below. There are plenty of things that are green and SAFE that can take the place of things people are using -expensive or not - that contain harmful chemicals, dyes and fragrances. All-natural gifts set you apart from a thoughtful perspective. The other suggestion is that you can make a donation in their name. You don't have to put the amount and you can choose a charity that is close to their heart. Best of luck to you. By the way, my website is www.greenplanet.myarbonne.com. Thanks!

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S.S.

answers from Tampa on

Hi C.,
Straight up, Mamas, you are a fabulous group of women.
Your creativity, sass and pizzazz color the answers
I've read. Ya'll are amazing.

I agree that one's presence is the best gift,
and when I have to, I hold to that.
When I can afford the opportunity to gift,
I might, especially for the little kids
and the elders. Not always though.

There was a time when I was challenging
to cover the basic needs of myself and my kids.
If I loved someone enough to want to gift them,
I would create the time to make construction paper cards.
No kidding, sounds silly, but actually...
I'm an artist. I did some very personal series,
mostly with a nice black ink ballpoint pen
and gifted them to several folks.
Each was different, but similar.
They are all numbered, and signed
because someday, they'll be glad they saved them.

Other years I would buy wooden things
(ornaments, tops, sign plates, animal shapes, boxes, wee pots...)
and paint them with acrylics.
Star wire on a wooden letter painted a solid color,
with a name on it, and a glass bead on the star wire...

Way back in the day
I used to gift them readings
to enrich their spiritual concepts.

Some years I have a fudgefest
and pour pans of fudge for folks
(from wee breadloaf pans, to larger ones, for families)
When I make fudge,
I pray for the folks who will receive it,
stirring in the smoothing out of things;
the appreciation for the sweetness of a moment,
and the melt-in-your-mouth smooth quality
of a ease in relationships.

One of my favorite cards, received for a birthday,
is from a friend living far off, and on a tight budget.
Its a folded piece of construction paper
with a symbol on the front
made with glitter, and glue.
Inside, she wrote of our friendship.
Its been in my keep for 16 years.

And really, I dont remember anything
that anyone DIDNT give me, anyway.
Do you?

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G.M.

answers from Miami on

Hi C.!

I am a local mom and I have a stationery line for kids and families. Our designs are custom and affordable. Something unique and personalized is very special. If they can't appreciate that, then nothing you do will make them happy! Check us out at www.wee-words.com. Personalized stationery is a wonderful gift for anyone - kids and/or adults!

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R.W.

answers from Tampa on

Because our family is so large we set rules on gift giving. No gifts for brothers and sister in laws. Reason for that is I don't have sisters. My sister in laws all agreed to our arrangement too. A special gift for the first Birthday for neices and nephews, then a $5.00 to $10.00 gift up until they turned ten. After they turned ten the gifts stopped. If you wanted to give a card that was fine. For the great neices and nephews we decided seeing there are so many if you want to get a gift for the first Birthday that is fine. But no gifts after that.
This way it takes the pressure off of everyone. The child actually gets what they want or need from the parents. Because the money they would be spending on other Birhtdays they can now use on their child. We don't buy gifts for Aunts and Uncles unless it is like an 75th, 80th. etc...
And no gifts for cousins. Only a card.
My sister in law came up with this years ago as there became more and more neices and nephews. Of course me and my little brothers felt a little cheated because we had purchased gifts for the older neices and nephews for a longer period of time. But it did help everyone. Not just with the money but with the stress of what to buy.
A gift comes from the heart. If you can't afford to give a gift then don't feel pressured to. Or you could make something. My one sister in law couldn't afford to give much but she did knit and crochet like I do so she made all of the kids gifts each year. The kids loved them and thought they were great.She makes special pies for Mom and Dad's Birhtdays. They love it. I don't even send cards any more because I have 16 neices and nephews and no idea of exactly how many great neices and nephews. I lost count. I do send a first Birthday card with $5.00 in it. Other than that Mom and Dad get presents from us. I have one brother that lives at home and takes care of the house for Mom and Dad. I do buy him something for Christmas and sometimes Birthday.
The gift isn't what matters. It's the thought that counts. Just being at the party should be enough. Your family is wrong to put pressure on you to buy gifts all the time.

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T.B.

answers from Miami on

How sad that you are made to feel inadequate. It sounds to me that this extended family is not grateful for anything and of course it's only natural to feel like you are being treated indifferently. Why not simply give a card? There is no "rule" that states one must give a gift for a birthday or other occassion. Never give a gift out of guilt. A cheerful giver gives out of love, not obligation. If you are giving out of obligation, then I would suggest you stop giving at all and perhaps re-evaluate why you are going to the party in the first place. I understand the hurt you must feel but you are doing nothing wrong. Give out of love or don't give at all.

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T.P.

answers from Tampa on

There's nothing more special than what you made yourself. Your time and thought are priceless. The birthday boy or girl can buy most gifts they get themselves in a store!

Anything that shows forethought, planning, effort etc is a better gift, regardless of value

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N.H.

answers from Boca Raton on

I give tons of books as gifts. You can order used but like new books from amazon. The shipping is what is expensive but you can find books for a penny and the shipping is $5 so you have only spent $5.01. Check out chinaberry.com for really awesome gift ideas, many of which won't break the bank. I use Chinaberry for my book choices as they have amazing write ups for all ages including adult. I love getting the catalogue each month!
Good luck!

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P.O.

answers from Jacksonville on

C. M

Nothing beats something "personal" and valuable on a birthday or celebration. So what I usually do, because I do have a large family as well, extended and all...is know what the person likes said about them, personal words, memories, etc and put those in the form of frames, CD's, books, etc. Buying something for a wealthy person at the high price stores will only get you that, something expensive and they just snicker at it based on its "price", but get something that the birthday person can value for years to come- a memorable moment on a TShirt, a scrapbook with family members, name inscripted on a watch, plate, book, cup, etc. The memory is more important than the gift...create a memory.

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B.A.

answers from Tampa on

I quit buying for the adults in my family. I buy for the kids only, but I attend all birthday gatherings for adults and children. As far as I am concerned, it is important to participate in the celebration of the day of their birth, but as an adult it is unreasonable to expect gifts. There comes a certain age, when we all have to accept that our birthdays are not a national holiday and don't warrant piles of gifts.

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B.K.

answers from Tallahassee on

Give them a nice picture of your kids in an affordable frame.

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M.S.

answers from Miami on

I definitely understand your frustration. Especially in these tough times....

For adults- I try to find something that is more meaningful, rather than expensive. For instance, you can make photo books REALLY inexpensively. They look so professional... (Shutterfly.com, Photobooks.com, even Walgreens and CVS do them now!) Sign up for the Shutterfly e-mails and you'll constantly get buy-1-get-1 specials. CVS even had a deal recently where you spent 7.99 for the book and got 7.99 in extrabucks back. Also- my father-in-law knows to expect a bottle of his favorite wine and box of favorite cookies. It's my 'staple.'

For kids- I ask the parents what sorts of TV shows or cartoons they are into and try to find something inexpensive. (Once I even went to the fabric store and bought 1 yard of a ready-made blanket for each of my nieces and nephews. I bound the edges and they all loved them!) And- for kids...they are usually impressed with the littler things that really express 'who they are.' My little nephew's favorite b-day gift was the cheap barrel of 'gags' (including a whoopie cushion). He played with everything for hours and left the huge boxes behind. Also- kids love candy.. I try to find one item that's about 10 dollars... another that's up to five... decorate it nicely and adorn the package with a few lollipops.

My husband has is one of 5 siblings. Between nieces, nephews, husbands, wives, etc... We decided to go the 'Secret Santa' route for X-mas. We set a dollar amount (which I have negotiated a smaller amount in the past with someone who picked me..........That was considered tacky at the time......but in these tough times it's completely understandable.)

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L.H.

answers from Miami on

buy a gift card to target or starbucks or itunes or something and DO NOT write the price on it!! let them figure it out when they go to redeem it...
OR buy UNIQUE gifts that are inexpensive:
like wristlets:
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5003214

or: a bottle of wine (go to Costco and buy an inexpensive bottle that has a high rating...)

or an orchid, even home depot sells them

you just keep doing what you're doing. Shame on them to judge you!

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S.S.

answers from Miami on

C.,

I have not dealt with this personally even though my in-laws are well off. However I dated a gentleman in the past whose family did this to me. I fixed them by doing the following. When special occasions came around and my previous attempts at gift giving were not appreciated I finally decided that I had enough of the judging and decided that if it wasn't going to be appreciated and they were going to turn their noses up at something that I worked very hard for and spent my hard earned dollar on and that is the response I got then I wasn't going to do it anymore. From that point on I no longer purchased gifts for his family, I gave them cards saying happy (whatever the occasion happened to be) and then at the bottom, I wrote a little note. Funds were short, funds were tight, needed to pay the bills so I could sleep tonight! I did that for the next couple of years. They finally got the hint. Well that relationship didn't last but at least they figured out treating people that way was unacceptable.

Good luck.

S.

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