Need Advice on Dealing with Caring for Elderly Grandparents in Home

First of all, I know you don't know me, but I commend you for taking time from your life to better then ending years of your parent's. It is certainly one of the most difficult jobs in the world. Especially when you have little ones in the mix. After Hurricane Katrina, we had to stay with my in-laws for 6 weeks. My mother-in-law is one of my very favorite people ever, and my father-in-law the same! But dealing with these difficult emotional times for all is HARD. My 15 month old never slept, I cooked and cleaned night and day without hardly a break. When my dad-in-law yelled at me a few weeks into the stay (the mom was ill, the father just banged up a bit from a car accident) I backed my position clearly, set my boundaries, took a LONG walk with my daughter and decided to get out of the house whenever I could. Then the mom got a bit senile and it went downhill fast after that. They refused my medical advice (no coffee...lots of water...dehydration leads to mental confusion), they never seriously followed my advice. Just an hour of time, guilt free, just for you can do wonders. Get your hair did, girl! Get a pedicure! Buy yourself some beautiful spring flowers. ENJOY YOUR LIFE. You deserve the best you can get. And when they get nasty, try and calmly walk away. Talk about it when tempers cool. Remember, this isn't easy for them, either. It is frustrating when you can no longer do for yourself the way you used to. Let me know if you need to vent!!

1 mom found this helpful

from experience you have to just keep doing what u r doing and god will bless u it is hard but it will pay off in the end. My biological father got down on his health a few yrs ago my 2 brothers, one from my mother the other from another wife told me if he was not dead don't call them he never did anything for us. i stepped in had him transferred to a local hospital here took care of him for a yr to get him back on his feet he was rehabilitized by the grace of god he went back home but remember he could not walk when he came he had to go through therapy and this man has talked about me said i stole his money and he didn't have any only a ssi check. he was 67 yrs old and i took my grandmother in that he was caring for she was 88 yrs old with althimers disease. My children and i had to pick my dad up from his wheelchair and sit him on the toilet then wipe his but b/c he couldn't we bathed him and did the whole 9 yds he would curse and say bad things so i know how u felt but i still treated him with respect and now he is 100% he put my grandmother in a nursing home and never goes to see her he gambles at the casino weekly and just forgot how i helped him but i turned him over to god and i don't regret what i did i am blessed everyday of my life and i owe it to god so pray and stay strong the lord will see u through

B.
I took care of my elderly mom until she passed away 1 year ago. I was difficult but the one thing you must keep in mind, what they do and say is not a personal attack. It is their deteriorating state of mind. If you take it personally it will have a negative affect on you and the way you handle them.
An elderly person knows that they can't do what they use to physically or mentally and their independence is declining so when someone suggest changes their first thought could be someone is trying to take away the little they have left (even thought your are trying to make things better for you and them). It is that state of mind. Try a different approach that would make them feel like they are not loosing anything or you are taking something from them. I might work better. Be blessed.

As people age they become depressed because they are unable to do the things they want. They are hurting, scared and worried about their own futures and the future of their loved ones. Dementia also causes people to experience personality changes. Maybe one or more of these reasons is why your Grandpa snapped at you. Continue to suggest the changes, pointing out reasons why it will make things easier for everyone. It may take him a while to get used to the idea, but eventually he will (hopefully) warm up to your suggestions. Sometimes you may have to just take things into your own hands and do what you know is best for them, even if they are not happy about it. That is what happened to me. I eventually had to put my parents into a nursing home even though they were dead set against it. My father was continually falling, and his dementia had him doing things that were dangerous to himself and my mom. He would go outside for walks and get lost, then sit down in the middle of the road and cry because he didn't know how to get home. Once he forgot a pan on the stove and nearly caught the house on fire. I was constantly afraid that I would come home and find him with a broken hip, or worse, not be able to find him. I had to work and could not stay with them all the time, so I eventually decided that they needed constant care and supervision. I did a lot of research, and visited a lot of nursing homes before I found one that made me feel "like home". Then I had to trick them into going there. I took them to "visit" so they could see if they would want to go there some day...and then I left them there. I promised them that after a month if they really hated it, they could come back home. I know that sounds kinda heartless, but it was the only way I could get them to even consider it. After about a week, they decided they liked it there...they like all the attention. Whirlpool baths, manicures, pedicures, beautyshops, bingo, cards, crafts, and 24 hour nurses to help them get back and forth to the bathroom and the dining hall, and reminding them to take their meds (which it turned out they apparently had not been doing at home even though we had pill containers with days marked on them). After a week of eating well, getting their meds on schedule and regular baths (which was a real problem for me cause they were both over weight) they were feeling so much better that they agreed to stay at the nursing home after all. I had taken many of their personal belongings, including my moms favorite easy chair, their own blankets and even a mini fridge in their room so they could have cold pops. Yes, they were in a room together. Turns out my mom had been so stressed worrying about my dad that she was making herself sick. Now she could relax. It worked out for my family, even though it was a difficult decision. I think the clincher was that I went to see them everyday, just as I had when they lived at home. I think they thought I would put them in the nursing home and then forget about them...only visiting on special occasions. Good luck to you and your family. D.

Don't take it to heart....! I took care of my mom in her home for years taking her "bashings" almost daily & feeling so guilty that "I" couldn't get anything right! I talked to her doctor & realize it wasn't her fault or mine...I've had to put her in a nursing home but visit almost daily. She has demintia and doesn't remember much....she's so child like & depends on me for "everything" since she doesn't remember the past. I got some books at the library & talked with the local support group to understand the "whats" & "whys" which helped me understand so much. Giving up their independence is difficult for them as they were taught to be self sufficent! Please seek help for you in understanding where they are mentally. Your county,state should have government agencies to help...good luck.

I empathize with you and understand much of what you're going through. It's hard for people to get older and to see themselves getting this way and though you're trying to help- your grandpa may not see it that way. Sometimes we need to step back and look at the other person's viewpoint. It may be that change scares him and also may make him feel like he's no longer in control. Maybe you can take some time to talk with him and listen to what he's thinking and make slow changes that won't upset him or his lifestyle. Though his health is not doing well at this time, he still probably sees himself as being able to continue doing much of the things he enjoys and keeping things the same. Often times when our health causes us problems, we can't control this; but we can control our surroundings and maybe for him he needs to know that part of his life will remain the same and stable; because with health issues you never know what will happen.

It may be a slow process, but hang in there and continue to give love and listen with an open ear and mind and put yourself in his shoes for a moment and think about what you'd like if this were you or how you can help him understand that he will be in control and in charge of changes and let it be his idea, which will make things much easier on you.

Many blessings

Hi B.,

We are living the oreo generation and I believe there are more of us everyday. The oreo generation is people caring for children and parents at the same time or in your case grandparents.

Sometimes I don't know who it is harder on, the caregivers or the people we are caring for.

Your grandparents have lived a lot of years. Raised a family, and is the head of the family...mentally. Physically they need care and this falls to you. You know what is best for them. But they feel powerless. Your grandfather always made decisions. And now the grandchild he adored, held on his lap, played with and was so proud of, is now taking care of him. Its not easy. His manhood is threatened. Not by you...by his own mind. He feels frustrated and unfortunately he takes it out on you.

You care for them, you care about them, and work so hard, just to get your feelings hurt. No it's not easy. You feel stuck between a rock and a hard place at times.

I care for my mother and I tell you, she is the most hard-headed woman I have ever know, and complains about everything. I bite my lip most of the time and go on...but everyone reaches a point.

When I reach mine. I just look at her and I say...well Mom...I don't see anyone else knocking down the door volunteering. So you are stuck with me and how I do things.

Generally that will settle her down for a bit...until the next time.

I know nothing will change...they are who they are and they are soooo set in their ways. All we can do is reassure them that we only want whats best for them, and we are doing the best we can and take one day at a time.

It's not easy growing old either. Your grandfather knows he is having problems and that means changes in their lifestyle that is really hard to face. His anger isn't all about what you are wanting to do but more whay they realize what their mortality is. Be loving, patient and I know it's hard, they had to have the same patience with you growing up. There may be a senior advocate program in your area that could assist you in ways to better communicate what you want to do or you may want to speak with their doctor and possibly he could help you help them understand it is not only to make things more enjoyable for them but for you too. I know it's not easy, I had my grandmother with me in our home with a husband and two small boys. I asked her if she could help me with household care by making some changes which would give her more privacy and also help me with the boys. I know it's not easy, I will pray for patience and stamina as you try to make life easier for them and you.I would not be surprised if your grandfather was raised where the men made all the important decisions about the home, you might make subtle hints around him not actually talking at him yet allowing him to hear you talk with yourself, maybe then he'll make the decision to make the changes and he has maintained his "status" as head of the household. Good Luck and hang in there.
M.

Your grandpa isn't yelling at you . . . he is yelling at the frustration of aging and declining health. He is yelling because it is scary to age and lose control of your life. He is yelling because he forgets things and gets confused and that is a frightening place to be. It is hard when you give so much and get anger in return, but try not to take it personally

As you get older you feel people are trying to take advantage of you because of your age. You have to tip toe about every thing. Sit Grandpa down for a heart to heart talk about what you would like to do and ask for his advice. Make suggestions not demands. Let him know its his home and its his decision. You might get his doctor involved if it is something to do with his health.

I know how difficult it is to be a primary caregiver. Several of my patient's have primary caregivers or live alone and have to be able to care for themselves. Several things that need to be looked at is their safety in the home. Are they falling? tripping over objects? slipping in the tub/bathroom? Are there cords stretches across doorways/walkways? Do they walk holding onto furniture or wall? Have difficulty getting up/down steps? Being of sound mind has NOTHING to do with it. Even if they are mentally sound, they may physically be incapable of catching themselves from falling in what could be a preventable situation. If they have mental difficulties (alzheim., dementia, memory issues, stroke) then that makes your job more challanging. As a family member, they are less likely to listen to you then a health care professional. You can speak with their physician regarding the safety issues and perhaps get a prescription for a home evaluation by a professional. Maybe a physical therapist to help determine safety issues that need to be addressed. Some quick things to look at: remove throw rugs, remove cords from walk area, remove clutter (stacked magazines, excess furniture), install bars around tub and toilet, tub stickes on bottom of tub to prevent slippage (not tub mats, they get slimy underneath and could slip), Steps could use a ramp with handrail. ADA complaince states for every 1 inch of rise, there needs to be 1 foot of run. That means one six inch step needs a six foot ramp. I think that every seven feet is supposed to be a 4 foot by 4 foot landing. You may find this on the web. http://www.access-board.gov/adaag/html/adaag.htm go to this web site or type: ramps ADA into google. Strong handrails for support are good. Have the physical therapist assess for need of an assistive device if they are having walking difficulties. You are in the right. Getting them safe will help them tremendously even if they don't realize it now. Good luck.

I too have had the same problem with my mom, who is an 87 year old hoarder -(spelled pack rat). She won't let me get rid of anything!! This is the advice my mental health therapist son gave me: clean what you can & let the rest go. My mom just recently had to go into a nursing home & I'm really cleaning house right now---MY OWN! There will be plenty of time to clean hers later...after she's gone to her heavenly home.
Mom will never be able to return home to stay (I can no longer take care of her - I'm 68 years old myself & not in good health), but if & when I can bring her home for maybe just a few hours, I want it to (even though she's legally blind)look & feel the same as when she left it. It IS still HER home. The very best advice I can give you or anyone, is LET GO & LET GOD!! It's a very hard thing to do, but believe me, after you do, you & your parents will be so much happier & there will be no more confrontations...

Hi

I am so sorry you are going through this. But, if it helps you any, you are doing a good thing and you will be greatly rewarded. But remember, YOU are the caregiver and YOU should know what is best. Our elders often times express themselves by lashing out at people that love and care for them the most. Trust me, I know because I lived and was raised by my grandmother. As long as you know that you are doing the right thing(s) and know and feel in your heart that you are making the right decision(s), then go for it my friend!

You need to step back and realize that just because they are a certain age doesn't mean they want all of their decisions made for them.

As long as they are of sound mind, you have to do what is right for THEM, not for you. Perhaps they are reluctant to admit that they are older now and could use help. Maybe they are too stubborn to want to rely on you. Maybe they know you cannot financially afford to upgrade their house, or, if you are financially capable, maybe they aren't aware of it, and really don't want you spending your money on their needs. Maybe they feel that it would be a waste of your money, since they aren't going to be around forever. Possibly, they feel that the struggle to do things for themselves in their own house is worth the effort. Maybe they think that if things were easier on them, they would die sooner...who knows?

What you do know is that it's their house, and if they don't want you to upgrade it, then you need to listen to what they WANT, not what YOU think they NEED.

Don't make this about you and your feelings. How would you feel if someone came along and decided that you couldn't care for yourself the way you have always cared for yourself just because your environment isn't 'upgraded'? You would likely be offended and hurt, and chances are good that they think that if you 'upgrade' their house, it means to them that you think they aren't capable of taking care of their own home or needs, and the next step (in their minds, perhaps) is a nursing home or assisted care facility.

My advice is to back off of it, but tell them that if they should need anything, you are there for them. If you start seeing any signs of them neglecting themselves, then sure, step in. Otherwise, respect their right to refuse your help, as you would expect others to respect your rights.

We love our parents and grandparents and sure, we want to do everything we possibly can to make their lives a little easier, but sometimes people don't want easy...they probably weren't raised that way, and they aren't about to start taking the easy way now.

If you live with them, ask them if it would be ok if you made changes to the house that would benefit YOU, don't make it about them, make sure they know what would help YOU out. If you turn it around and make it more about your needs than theirs, they may be more willing to listen to your ideas for upgrades.

Good luck, and bless you. Not everyone would do what you are doing for your grandparents. Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it.

I heard from a psychologist that elder people (it also applies to differently-abled persons) usually refuse to get voluntary help from someone. Offering your help makes them think you consider them helpless... just help them if you are solicited or just do your basic tender loving care. Upgrading your house may seem a major change to him w/c causes him anxiety. Be more understanding and forgive them for hurting your feelings, after all he is your grandfather,. Try talking to him in the most polite and loving way possible. I have a grandma at her mid-80's, she sometimes chew me out, too. It hurts sometimes but understanding and forgiving her is very helpful.

I too have been int he same situation where I had taken care of my father for 8 years. There were good times and bad times but you have to stick with them. Many times I wanted to give up or put him in a nursing home but I couldn't take my guilty conscience of thinking that he wouldn't be taken care of. Just hold on, sometimes they say these that really hurt but just have patience. I had to look at the situation in another light, more of his perspective. In my case it was; here's a man that was always a provider for his family able to do for others and now someone has to take care of him. It was a pride issue for my father which may be the same for your grandparents. Continue to support them that's really what they need right now. I took care of my father for 6 years until he passed away and its something that I have never regretted it. Be blessed and have a good day on purpose.

Your grandparents may not be able to take care of what happens outside their home. It is only natural for them to want control over what goes on inside of their house.

I know, what a challenge it can be to take care of elderly. It can be difficult to keep your patience at times. Just remind yourself that someday, you may grow old!

To make my life easier, I have invested in a delivery laundry service. It isn't that expensive, and you wouldn't believe the time it saves me! They also have a cell phone via kid connect with fixed dialing. Mail is delivered into a post office box, so I will get it and can therefore remind them of the bills. I have them trained to leave an ongoing list of needed items by the door along with outgoing mail. These minor upgrades, have simplified life for all of us without changing their home. Also, I have located a Doctor that still makes housecalls in the event of a minor emergency.