Need Advice on Affair :(

Sorry to hear. It is hard for you guys also if you are couple friends. Word to the wise though....becareful of the words you speak and sides you take, as in bashing etc... I have seen some of my friends go thru really akward times when they didnt split and they worked it and stayed together. Listening is the best thing you can do!

Bless you for being there. When I went through my "wilderness experience," friends were very important. I had two that prayed with me, for me, and listened. I chose to forgive my husband because I felt he really wanted to stay married. That's going to be the deciding factor in your friend's situation. You can't reconcile unless your spouse wants to. Prayer does change things, though. I can't relate the miracles that came out of our dilemma, but I can assure you there were so many. I read Psalms while I was navigating that road. I gained so much help from that. I've also recommended it to other women going through it. Another thing she must do is exercise, walk, run, or whatever she can do to help her not to give in to depression. Third, she needs to fix herself up, get her hair highlighted or just do something to make herself look pretty! If she likes what she sees in her mirror, she'll feel better about herself. This has worked for several women I've advised. It may take time for her husband to see he's making a horrible mistake. Tell her to pray.
We just celebrated our 45th anniversary in April. It's been 25 years since then, and as they say, time does heal wounds. I haven't forgotten how painful it was, but I see how God worked those miracles and I give Him praise!

First of all, I have no experience on affairs. My relationship of 25 yrs with my husband is wide open communication and we are very open minded.

You are a good friend to allow her to vent and just listen to her. I don't think I would be offering her advice to leave, not to leave, etc unless she specifically asks for your thoughts.

I do believe marriages can work after an affair. Of course the trust has to be rebuilt and some people can't handle that. Some people simply cannot tolerate the fact that someone had an affair and it is a deal breaker for them.

She has to figure out if this is a deal breaker or if she wants to repair the marriage. I think it is wrong for man or woman to establish humiliating rules for each other after the fact. They are partners in the marriage...no one is superior. If she chooses to stay with him, he does not need to have this thrown in his face for years to come. Resentments will build on both sides. It is a matter of can she forgive him and restart the marriage. Does she want to save the marriage? Does he?

She has every right to be very angry with him. She is especially in a vulnerable time with a little one and post pregnancy.

Best wishes to you and your friend.

J.,

I don't have any experience on this as well, but my best advice is to turn to God. Now I'm not a big religious person and I don't know your friend beliefs but I would turn to God for advice and guidance.

J.,
A great book to look at is called, "Divorce-Proof your Marriage" by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg. You are being a great friend by offering a listening ear. I have had many friends go through this. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. Good communication is critical. I would also encourage your friend to seek God for wisdom. Have her read Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Prayer makes a difference. I'll pray for your friend.

Hi, J.. You sound like a really great friend. Supporting her through whatever happens is the best thing you can do. Offer her time with your family to give her some "normalcy"--like having her over for dinner.

My first marriage ended after an affair. I am remarried to a wonderful man and I love my new family very much. I have no regrets. But I would say that if her husband can turn from this affair and change, then it is always best to save the marriage--if she can forgive him. Recovering from an affair is hard; forgiveness is hard. But I truly believe that divorce is harder. Remarriage is hard. Blended families are hard.

So I would encourage her to be open to staying together before seeking a divorce. Then if her path does lead to divorce, support her through that. A great book is Healing is a Choice. I would also recommend DivorceCare (a class & support group) if she goes that route.

My niece just went through this with her husband. It about killed her. She was so hopeful to get back together, then so angry with everyone especially herself. We had to wait it out and be there for her. After a year of issues and finally the divorce, she is happy and getting back to her happy self. Of course she won't ever be the same. A broken heart changes people.
Adultery is the ultimate betrayal, so many lies.

I wish I knew some good advice to help but I don't so just wanted to send my support. She is lucky to have you.

C.

I am going through a similar situation and know that having someone to talk to is a really good thing, even if that person has not been through the same experience. There is an author who has several good books, his name is Rick Warren. Good Luck with your friend.

Aug. 21 will be my 10 yr anniversary, but it will also be 2 yrs from the day I found out about my husband.

I'm still dealing with thing, most my anger at the situation and the trust. You being there to listen whenever she needs it, and helping when she needs it. Is the best help you can give her! I had some WONDERFUL friends that would just listen to me rant and rave, they never pushed always there to support me. When I could start talking about it without crying they'd ask questions. I went to a counsler, and that helped a lot, cause even though I had my friends, talking to them got to a point where it didn't help.

My counsler was wonderful and helped a lot. I asked him to go, but he wouldn't. But by me going, I'd come home and he'd follow me around until he got the courage to ask how my session went. By me telling him what I was told it helped him.

She needs to confront him, that she's found out about him cheating on her. That he needs to make a decsion wheather he wants to be a family with you, or if he wants to be with her. That his decision is to be made right then!(This is VERY hard to do) If he intends to stay, and work out the problems then no more going out with friends, no more "traveling" if he can help it (i'd ask for proof from his work) They should also try to seek out someone to talk too, and work to the root of the problem, cause there is always something deeper that helped contribute to the affair in the marrage. It's usually something petty on the man point of view.

I hope that your friend stays strong! Tell her she needs to be strong for her daughter and make decisions based on their daughter and not selfish, vengeful things. There will be lots of fighting, crying. I still hurt from it and it's been almost 2 yrs. It's a constant work in progress, but my husband has changed (used to be the party guy, always going out. He never grew up after we had kids. I was the only one who did that. Through out it all, he's always been a great dad.)

you are doing what you can. don't offer any opinions on her guy. if you downtalk him, she'll complain later if she stays with him. if you uptalk him, she'll complain later that you wanted her to work it out. leave the opinions out of it. my personal opinion, for what it's worth: my hubby and i worked out in the engagement period that sexual cheating would not be tolerated in the marriage. period. the other partner was free to pack their bags and file for divorce should you decide to oops have a one night stand or worse yet an emotionally charged affair. almost 7 years later, we are still faithful and the rule still stands. i'd make that rule again in a heartbeat, no matter how much i love him. i could never trust him again and i doubt that he could ever trust me. marriage is based on trust. counseling and time may build some type of marriage back for your friend, but for me i don't want that type of marriage. i want my good one, even if it is imperfectly perfect in it's own way.