Need Advice on a Step Child That Is Not Disciplined at Home.

Updated on April 08, 2008
T.M. asks from Seagraves, TX
45 answers

I have a 4 year old step son and he is living with his mother. We get him every other weekend, and I have been having problems with him being very violent with me when I tell him to do something.
A little background on this little boy. He started pre-k in January of this year. Every week since he has started, he has been sent to the office for either hitting and kicking the teachers, the students, or throwing things at the students and teachers. One day he tried choking another child and when he was sent to the office he went on to hit the principal. His mother spanks him, but it is not doing any good. I have 3 children at home and I am scared that he is going to hurt one of them, especially the 2 younger ones, one of these days. Does anyone have any ideas of what needs to be done with him? I would love to hear what everyone has to say.

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L.W.

answers from Dallas on

I also have a 5 year old step son who has problems as school. And what we discovered was his home life wasn't stable and he had problems learning which made him act out at school. Although he was never violent with me, he was definately violent. I tried my best to help but soon realized it was up to his father and mother to handle him.

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P.B.

answers from Dallas on

My grandson is 6. His parents divorced when he was 4. We had some of the same issues but not quite as violent. My son who now has custody decided early on to put him in therapy. My grandson goes to a great children's therapist in Arlington, TX, her name is Teresa Kellum. I highly recommend her. She has been great and my grandson has now adjusted very well to his circumstances. When I divorced my husband many many years ago my oldest son went through the same thing except his anger was all directed at his step father around 8-10 years old. Therapy really helped him work on his anger which was really meant for his dad in that situation. You never know where the anger is really meant to be directed and he can be taught how to deal with those feelings even at age 4. Good luck.

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K.D.

answers from Dallas on

Read Five Love Languages for Children by Gary Chapman.
Physical punishment is not the correct way to go, but if you find this child love language, and "speak" to him in that way you might find how many wonderful things you can accomplish with this child.

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S.S.

answers from Wichita Falls on

A few things - his daddy needs to be spending some one on one time with him. I know (I'm in your shoes) this seems unfair to your children - he's their daddy too, and they may not get any 1-1 time - but it is ESSENTIAL to helping this little boy with his anger issues.

If you and his mother are civil, I'd recommend the three of you - Mom, Dad, Stepmom - sit down together to a brainstorming session. For the next 14 years you are going to be in his life as a responsible adult - it's easier to show unity now than later. Once this little cohort is formed, your husband might bring up the possibility of having son meet with a child therapist - his behavior might be indicative of ADD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, bipolar disorder, or depression. Something is clearly wrong either in his mind or in his home life.

I believe - STRONGLY - in spanking, but spanking is not always the answer. Discipline means to make a disciple of. Love is just as important as punishment - and any punishment that isn't doled out from love isn't going to be effective. All it does is inspire fear - and that's going to cause him to want to inspire fear in others the only way he knows how.

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D.H.

answers from Dallas on

I am so sorry this is such a hard spot for you. Because your home really needs to be the haven and soft spot for him to rest in. I think its clear that he is really needing a lot of help and attention. Does the BM have any more children in her home? is it stable? is visitaion stable? do yall live in close proximity that maybe you could maybe eat lunch at school with him? (if bm would allow that) but he needs to know that school is where he needs to be and that he can show off his best attitudes there and he can get rewarded. I would definatly have Dad find a child psycologist and see if they can get to the root of the issues. He may just need to know that no matter what Daddy will be there for him.
you'll be in my prayers

1 mom found this helpful

J.L.

answers from Dallas on

Hi,
First of all, my sympathy and empathy to you. I was a step mom once to a major BRAT. I am no longer married to his father. I really feel for you because I know how frustrating it can be. Your main focus should be on keeping yourself and YOUR kids safe from the step child. Other than that, it is up to his FATHER and MOTHER to discipline him. Unfortunately, you don't really get a say in this. Tell your husband to man-up and take care of the problem by dealing with his ex and child, or you will be forced to ensure the safety of your own children and that may mean living somewhere else. He has to work in unison with his ex-wife to make any difference. They still have a responsibility to co-parent this child, even if they are no longer married. You have a resonsibility to step aside and let that happen.
You can call Dr. Laura for advise as well. I love listening to her advise. She is on FM 100.7 from 1-3 pm
(I think those are her times, I generally tune in at 2pm)
Best of luck to you, it's a hard road ahead for you.
J.

1 mom found this helpful
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L.P.

answers from Dallas on

Well...at my daughter's preschool they use the Love and Logic principles (www.loveandlogic.com). I read the book recently and it seems pretty good. I have not tried it yet (we are re-evaluating our discipline since we have had an "episode" with my daughter's father--but it is the opposite; we discipline, they don't). Anyway, I would check that out, because it seems like it would work, and maybe it would be something his mom would consider at her house. ?? you never know.
hope everything works out!

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E.H.

answers from Tyler on

Your step son is desparate for love and attention, it's not easy sharing Daddy when back home he's the only one...more than anything it seems to me to be frustration, he is four and can't express himself appropriately, so love him, give him a special time just for him and be firm. Obviously the attention he would like is from his Daddy, so let your husband have a special time with him and then have a special time with all other sibilings, give it a try, and don't be discouraged. Your situation is not an easy one, but I believe you want to be on your step's son list of friends that he can trust as he grows and develops.

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S.M.

answers from Dallas on

My son started to rebell a year ago, so I took some parenting classes in Plano that proved to be priceless. I suggest NATURAL CONSEQUENCES WITH EMPATHY AS TAUGHT IN LOVE AND LOGIC. I'm thinking his mom is overwhelmed and not able to instill boundaries and the result is falling in your lap. I'm feelig bad for her as well.
Get ahold of a love and logic book/work book...look at the sections that have to do with enforceable statements, how to give choices so he child feels empowered, how to deliver unwaivering empathy, how to carry through on consequences, and lastly the differences between helicopter moms, dictator and consultant moms. Wow, when I read the lasting effects of being a helicopter mom, I immediatly vowed not to ever do it again ...I didn't want wining kids or a son that was going to be irresponsible and exaust his future wife.
Copy the information you get out of the book, make a little packet and pass it along to his day care. The more people doing the same strategies the more likely it will carry over.

Also since he is a kid he has EMOTIONAL LIMITATIONS when dealing with his upside down world...he needs a health environment to get his words out. What's his life like at home, are mom/dad not dealing well with their emotions. Are they lacking emotional awareness and spinning their wheels? (unfortunatly WE MODEL BAD BEHAVIORS FOR OUR KIDS, it's all learned behaviors). Start with the LOVE AND LOGIC the rest is up to his parents.
Good luck!
" I refuse to complain, till I have exhausted all my effort finding my own solutions"

1 mom found this helpful
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T.T.

answers from Dallas on

Hi T.,

I suggest that you call The Salesmanship Club Youth and Family Centers. They have a program there that is just for kids 1-4 years old. They have an excellent team of professionals who can and will help you to work this out if you just receive it. The pay is according to your income and if you don't have income, its' still okay. They will accept your family. Give them a call at ###-###-#### and ask about the PEP Program.

GOOD LUCK !!!!!

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K.S.

answers from Dallas on

Sounds like some family therapy to help to blend your family would be a good investment.

The little boy may behaving issues in his mother's home and at school. It also sounds like he is being cast as the bad boy when he comes to his dad's home as well. That's a pretty heavy rap for a 4 year old!

Put yourself in his shoes. He has two homes he shuttles between. He just started school. The kid is probably scared to death and wondering where he fits in or even if anyone really cares about him. You don't mention the relationship between the father and mother.

I was a stepchild although I was much older than 4. The dynamics of such families can be healthy or unhealthy and everything in between.

My son-in-law just received visitation last year of his 5 year old daughter whom the mother had barred him from seeing for 3 years. She also visits every other weekend and her visits are welcomed by my daughter and by my three year old granddaughter who thinks her sister is the best thing that's ever happened to her. There's still a lot of work ahead to get the mother and father to be civil towards one another. There probably won't ever be one big family with holiday picnics, etc., but we're all working hard to make sure the kids know they're loved and welcome in both homes.

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T.R.

answers from Dallas on

Investigate school counseling right away. The counselor may be able to recommend techniques to use with him. I'm not against spanking, but since he is hitting others, that may not be the best way to show him how to act. Taking priviledges away might work. Time outs - but someone has to be calm and consistent in making him stay in time out, taking him back if he walks out. It may be that his dad needs to do this disciplining since he is getting violent with you. He sounds like an angry little boy. I hope you are able to help him express his feelings in a more constructive way. All of his parents may need to go in and talk to the principal and counselor to make sure that his discipline plan is consistent in both households. Sometimes different styles confuse the little ones and make them act out. He needs to know he is loved on all sides. Loving him includes consistent limits, not giving him anything he wants. Kids at this age need and want structure from the adults around them. Good luck!

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J.H.

answers from Dallas on

Hello,

Have you thouhgt about taking him to a play therapist? Children that age cannot express their feelings, so they act out. A therapist may be able to help figure out what is going on that is causing him to become violent. Good Luck!!

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B.I.

answers from Tyler on

Coming from another perspective on this subject, being the full time mom and my daughter goes to her dad and step-moms every other, I understand the difference in her attitude when she comes home. After three years, communication has gotten much better with me and her dad, so my suggestion is to question as much as possible about the day to day activities, discipline and whether or not his confidence is taken into account. It is difficult from either point of view, but the it is what is in the best interest of the child to get down to the real problem...Communication is key!!!!!

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S.H.

answers from Dallas on

I had a very similar problem with my step-kids. It took over a year for the youngest one to finally level out. He was expelled from school and finally kicked out of pre-K for hitting, kickin, biting the teacher. I had to be consistent in my discipline, even though that meant when he got a spanking he was kicking at me the whole time. With consistency and continued support from my husband and his reinforcement of my discipline, it finally started coming together. It took a long time. Also, if anything like my experience, remember that at home this kiddo is being told how horrible you are and that you are not his mother and he doesn't have to listen to you. If you can ever get the ex on the same page it helps too. Good luck - it's frustrating, but hang in there!! S.

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K.G.

answers from Dallas on

His dad needs to sit down with him and have a man to man. His dad needs to be his dad. His dad needs to make a point of spending more time with him. He is four and he is feeling replaced by you and your children. In reality, he is four and he is being replaced by you and your children. I would be angry four year old too. Tell his dad that he needs him more than ever now. Encourage your husband's relationship with his son. Little boys have a big need for their daddy's. It's just reality...

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E.M.

answers from Dallas on

Hello T. - I haven't had the time to read all the caring responses you received. I'm on my break at work and have only limited time. I have experience with children who behave aggressive towards themselves and others, who are self-destructive, constantly break things, hurt others and them selves, etc. I want to make it clear that under no circumstances do I approve of this type of behavior, but it sounds to me like this little boy has more on his plate than he's able to handle. Children read and react a lot with/through their heart and emotions; they understand (think) with their feelings. He seems to be stressed out and reacts with very bad behavior to get attention, or maybe better: help? In my experience the key to change this type of behavior is lots of love (hugs, kisses, holding) balanced with reasonable boundaries,(loving) discipline (time-outs, with-holding of privileges when breaking the house rules (assuming he knows and understands them), a basic routine(set times for bed time, (a nap when emotional exhausted?), healthy nutritious meals and less sugar, regular outdoor activities on the fresh air with the family, meaningful educational activities, lots of positive re-enforcement. First of all, my children know the ritual of time-outs, the house rules ("we don't hurt, kick, hit, bite, etc and instead we're "kind, respectful, helpful, etc") and what to expect when they break them including the ritual of time out. Then, when my children break the house rules I give them at least one chance to correct their mistake (depending on their ages)and if they don't react or stop whatever they're doing wrong, they get a choice which is either to obey me or time-out (one minute per year of the child's age). This combined with all the above, should work. But above all, in my opinion, mostly he wants and needs to know that the people who care for him love him unconditional, which I'm sure they do, but he needs and wants to hear and feel it every day. One more thing I'd like to mention, children in general, but especially step children are very sensitive to being (or even feeling) treated unfairly or differently to the rest of the children in the family. Please feel free to contact me through my mamasource email link, if you have any question. Oh, yes I agree with the previous response; it is difficult, when not all parents envolved are on the same page. But the way I dealt with the different set of rules of the other parent or a children's friend's house; whenever any of my kids wanted to reason that things where done differently in someone elses household, my answer to them was: "I'm fine with that. Your friends' parents do it their way in their house and I do it my way in my house. End of story." (unless the other parent had a better method of course :-) then I would consider it at a later time.) I wish you all the best. With kind regards, E.

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C.J.

answers from Dallas on

Hi T.,
I think he needs to see a child physcologist. It sounds like the child has some anger/hurt and is acting out. Also what kind of tv is he watching, games he is playing.Young children are very impressible. But he needs some kind of professional help to get to the root of the problem before it is to late. You, your husband and the ex need to sit down and talk.If that isn't possible then you and your husband need to take the action.

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T.D.

answers from Dallas on

He has anger from the divorce. When my son was 4, he had the same issue. Apart from the immediate, I did not want to have an angry 15 year old on my hands someday. I took him to a therapist who effected "play therapy". They played games and talked. It was wonderful. He worked it out -- going to Dr. Joyce initially 1x a week for 6 weeks and then 1x every month for about 3 months. Now he does not go at all. When I got remarried again last summer, he began to act out again. When I challenged him about -- he asked to go see Dr. Joyce again. This was very healthy for him to do. He went to see her 2x -- he apparently wanted to work out his feelings about my (and his father's) remarriage. He is now a delightful child and expresses his feelings through words "When you and Daddy weren't married anymore -- it hurt my feelings." We are all very happy now. Good luck.

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J.M.

answers from Lubbock on

First, I would suggest your husband talk to the boy's pediatrician about his behavior pattern. This is not normal and he may actually hurt someone. If the boy was my child I would ask if testing, counseling, etc. could be tried as a beginning. He may have a physical/mental/emotional disability that needs to be diagnosed. This is not something that should be ignored. Spanking the child only reinforces that to change something you must first hit the offender.

I hope your husband and ex-wife will work together on this. They may indeed have to in order to save the child.

J.

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S.D.

answers from Dallas on

I think your step son is broken hearted and angry that his daddy has a new family with new kids. He probably feels abandoned and unwanted. What child wouldn't have those feelings in that situation? I agree with the play therapy suggestions as long as it was okay with Dad and BM. Since you're the step mom all you can is suggest it. Also make sure you guys reassure you love him often! Good luck! :)

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C.T.

answers from Dallas on

I have found the "Supernanny" television show on Channel 8(I forgot what day and time)is excellant advice on your problem with this youngster. I think she also has written a book. Her name is Jo (I forgot her last name). She makes a list of things that are not allowed to be done on a poster, like, No hitting, no choking, no hurting others, no sassing back & hangs it on the wall in a prominent place & goes over it with all the children. If those rules are broken then the child is taken to the "naughty chair, step, mat or whatever you have", just call it the "naughty__________". He sits there for one minute per year of age. He is four-he sits there for 4 minutes, if he is 41/2-he sits there 4 & a half minutes. The first few times he will scream, holler. get up. That's okay, that is normal but you address it every time-if it takes 4 or 5 hours, do it. Consistancy is what his mother needs. When he gets up, each time you go over & sit him back down &(get down to his eye level every time you discipline him) say no hitting or whatever he did & tell him he has to sit there until you tell him he can get up. Then he has to tell you he is sorry before you let him up. When he tells you he is sorry, then you hug him & tell him you love him. Also you give him one warning. Say he hits, then you say, "don't hit again or you will have to sit on the "naughty chair". Then if he does hit again, then put him on the "naughty chair",get down to eye level & say I said no hitting or whatever he did. I love her ideas on the show. She has a lot of good advice & good tips for just about every bad behavior there is. I used that technique with my 3 kids, before I knew about "Supernanny" only one of them was a terror & strong willed!! But they are grown now. The one that was a terror unfortunately drowned 3 years ago. He was 33 years old. My other son is 32 years old-& is a wonderful man who works everyday & helps take care of me. I am disabled. My daughter is 28 years old & is a Math teacher for DISD in Dallas. She is an awesome person also. Both of them are & have always been well disciplined & loving. I could always take the 3 of them to any restuarant, & any person's house & they behaved. They wern't perfect but at least they did what they were told & didn't sass back. Hope this helps.

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E.S.

answers from Dallas on

the father needs to deal with him and get him therapy something is bothering the child. try something besides spanking, time out ,corner,take toys away. you can ask him why he is acting a certain way try to get him to talk but,above all else your husband and you need to tell him he is loved just as much nothing will change that. also ya'll need to get togther with the mother with the boy if possiable so he will know none of you will tolerate such behavior

about me
married 30 years,two children, four grand children

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C.C.

answers from Dallas on

Where is the child's father in all this? What kind of relationship does he have with his ex-wife? It sounds to me like this kid has anger issues, possibly due to his parent's divorce. I highly suggest you speak to your husband about seeking some counseling. Now is the time to do it . . . don't let this child grow up to be an angry teenager or adult.

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N.R.

answers from Dallas on

Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel

My sister told me about this book. I am buying it this weekend. It has various ideas on how to deal with kids who need another way to dsicpline. Like for every piece of clothing left on the floor you go to bed five minutes early. If they say they don't want to go to bed, they get to stand up instead, bed starts to look good after standing for thrity minutes.
I have a son who is six and had a lot of problems with hitting, spanking seemed to make it worse. With him he just needed more attention and/or taking away favorite toys or games. I did a reward ssytem for him to and that helped with his behavior at school. I am gonna try this book because now he just isn't listening. Just thought I would share. Soemtimes kids need soemthing different to shake them up and get their attention.

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T.L.

answers from Dallas on

Hi T., I was very sad to read your story. Obviously, there is some major things going on with the little boy. The one advice I have for you if the mother is willing to consider it is counseling. I promise you he is not to young for this. I had a step son that was like that as a child, no one thought he needed help, well he turned into a VERY ANGRY kid. Please before it gets any worse may I suggest calling the Salemanship Club ###-###-####), they have the best therapist in Dallas, they go by income, and if you cannot pay, that is ok to. I have used there services before with my son when he was 6 and lost his grandfather(he was with him when he died), they are OUTSTANDING!!!! I will continue to pray for the entire family, God Bless, T. L.

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T.B.

answers from Dallas on

T.,
It really sounds like your step son is overwhelmed and frustrated with life. The change to preschool may have been too much at this time. Has anything else changed lately? Play therapy may be something to look into. For now, stay consistent in your love for him and in your discipline. Special times with the parents (including step parents) at various times throughout the month are also an idea. He may be crying out for attention. I know that my own children who have step parents and step siblings on both sides, sometimes just need a little one on one time. They have told me as they have gotten older that the shuffle from home to home sometimes made them feel like they got shorted on that special one on one time.
T.

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T.L.

answers from Dallas on

I hate to say this but if something isn't done now, he will possibly get worse. It sounds like he may have ADHD or even ODD (Opposition Defiant Disorder). He needs to be seen by a doctor or behavioral health doctor because that sounds like a little more than not being disciplined at home.

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M.K.

answers from Dallas on

I dont think we really know enough of the situation to respond. I am wondering what was the divorce like. How is the relatonship between his mom and dad now. How old was he when they split. These are all important questions.

With that said, I would do a few things that might help.
First the mom and dad need to talk to him together. They need to show a united front. Two, I think until his anger is adressed you should not be so involved. He needs reassurances from his parents and to him you are an outsider who took his dad. His dad is now raising children (not him) and that is all he knows. Three, I think if his dad devoted time to him when he was there that did not involved the other kids, it may give him a chance to feel safe and to talk about these issues. Four, I would try to discipline him as little as possible and let his dad handle it. (Hopefully in a loving and nurturing way)

I have said I don't know all the variables but it sounds like he needs some major reasurances from his dad that he is important. Lastly just pray with your husband about him and over him when he is sleeping.

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Y.B.

answers from Dallas on

This child needs to be evaluated. Who has legal guardianship? Does the father also have rights? You may have support from the courts especially since he has a record or disorderly conduct at school. There is obviously something going on in his mind. It could be that the mother is saying bad things about you and his father, possibly because you are in a relationship with him. Some mothers do this out of jealousy.
The child may be jealous because his father and you have children that you both are raising and he may not feel apart of your new family with his father.
If this doesn't stop his behavior may land him in the situation where he may cause serious harm.
I was in a simular situation, that my step son would return home Sunday night or after school on Monday.

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C.F.

answers from Dallas on

T., Sounds like he's "acting out" because of the changes in his life that he can't control. Which is perfectly normal, but he needs to learn how do deal with anger, disappointment, etc. However, it also sounds a bit like their could be a some signs ofODD, possibly ADD. I have step twins, married their father when they were 3 and are now 11. My husband and I have since had 2 boys. We had a hauntingly similar situation with our oldest son between the ages of 3-5 and I swear I was ready to ship him off to military school! I was at wits end, tried one family thereapist/counselor and 3 months of "play therapy" yielded no resluts. Then we went to Dr. Harvey G. Davisson of the Davisson Clinic ###-###-####) at 12900 Preston Rd in suite 1117. He is a MIRACLE WORKER! We had a couple visits, went through some testing, he evaluated our son's behavior disorder (Oppositional Defiance), armed us with infromation and discipline techniques that have worked beautifully to this day. He is now 7, helps around the house, does his homework, makes A's & B's and is a wonerful older brother to the baby. As far as the step children go...it is difficult to control what is done in their permanent home. But you CAN control what is done in yours. Children learn very quickly that different rules apply in different homes. Be consistent with Dr Harvey's discipline techniques when the child is visiting. If the behavior doesn't change or improve...go to the ex-wife, let her know that you care about the boy's situation and fear that if it is not addressed and corrected NOW you'll all be visiting him in Juvenile Detention! Perhaps you can get the ex's approval to switch the custody order so the child lives in your home permanently - then you have more control over how he is disciplined. If she doesn't agree on her own accord, you can enlist the help Dr. Harvey and the school principal or counselor to write a recommendation for a "change of living arrangement and environment". Then you go back to court to fight for custody armed with his history of violence at school, testimonials from the principal, counselor, and Dr. Harvey's evaluation. Because of the severity of the situation, you might even be able to request that a portion of your child support be specifically earmarked for his counseling and therapy! This will give the ex-wife more incentive to help re-enforce the discipline techniques (because she knows that as soon as the therapy is working and her son's behavior improves, she'll get her full support money back)! I hope this helps you and your family. I'll be praying for you. One more thing...Dr. Harvey's discipline is not necessarily spanking, but rather, NOT offering "choices". Whereas a normal kid you could say, "If you clean your room, then Bobby can come over to play. But if you don't clean your room, Mommy will throw away your toys" and they would make the right choice. An ODD kid would reply "I don't want Bobby to come over and play, so now I dont' have to clean my room." or "That's okay, you can throw away my toys, Grandma will buy me new ones". You can't give an ODD kid the power of making a choice (which is a huge parenting technique these days - but does NOT work for an ODD kid). They need the firm, authoritative, almost military-type order "Because I said so, that's why. End of discussion". Hope this makes sense.

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W.F.

answers from Amarillo on

Read James Dobsons "Bringing up Boys" Book, go to the Focus on the Family website at www.family.org, and check into professional counseling. Keep your other kids safe!!!

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N.H.

answers from Dallas on

My oldest (have 3 girls) got very frustated and angry. She didn't want to miss a beat. She would have a 'melt down' as i called them of even the sillies things. I finally realized....she doesn't like the feeling that she 'doesn't get it'. Seh liek to be the first to understand everything. To show everyone else how to do it. The problem, hello she is still a child and she can't get the words out the way she wanted to. I think that with your son going back and forth that he may need to visit a doctor. A very kid friendly psycologist. There is a reason that he is acting out. You need to know the reason. It is hard to address the real problem when you don't know what it is. Plus, he is at a tender age where he does know, and is expected, to communicate. But he is young still and the words to handle his emotions, fears and troubles just don't come out as well as they should....or as he wants them too. A lot of his anger is towards himself. After you tackle that, you need to stick to your guns. There are rules for this house. You have to follow these rules, no matter what other households do. A little talking, patience, a good physical outlet and father time and a huge helping of love. Good luck!

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A.P.

answers from Dallas on

I can hear Dr. Laura in my head.

This little one is in a world of chaos. His world has been ripped out from under him and has no solid foundation (no home for him, he's bounced around).

I am not slamming you but my heart goes out to this kid who has endured a divorce and not endured it well, which is to be expected.

I really think you should go the Love & Logic route, have a family Pow Wow with Bio Mom, and Dad involved. This child needs stability and a safe haven and to feel loved, wanted and cherished.

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A.H.

answers from Dallas on

Hi I'm A. H. I am a stay at home mom in the same boat you are I have 3 boys 10,8,1 and a step son 4 and we have had a really hard time dealing with his violence, he is also dealing with learning problems.His mother treats him like hes a friend and not her child. She is a stripper and in pornagraphic movies, and a compulsive liar. She is more worried about how she looks and what shes going to wear then disciplining her son. He gets away with anything at her home. So when he comes home to us hes confused and doesn't no whats right or wrong. My husband is in Iraq and won't be home until Sept 08. I still get my stepson every Sunday, Monday Tuesday, and everyother Saturday. We have had him this schedule since birth I have to watch over my step son constantly. He has hit, slapped, and tried sufficating our youngest son. Prayer has been my only help at this point. Hope to hear from you!
A. H. Sachse TX

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C.G.

answers from Abilene on

wellif you live in the Brownwood area there will be starting a new Parenting classes on Monday March 10, I belive it is a six week course but only one day a week thru the family service center in Brownwood,Tx I don't know were your from but I'm sur there is some parenting classes were you are too. I have 4 children there ages are 19,17,13,13, 3 of them boys and the 17 yr old is my daughter and I got her when she was 3yrs old the very same day I brought my twins home from the hospt her mother just left her and her sister behind to go of and do her own thing. I'm 43 in two months and you will never stop woundering or learning how to be a parent or if you are doing it right I have learned that hiting your child is only inflicting pain on another human being and only teaching that hitting is how we handel things. You may see this as a problem but if you will look at it as a blessing that God has put YOU SOMEONE so conserned about his wellbeing as well as your own children's in this child's life then ask God to guid you and to give you what you will need to love this child as thou you had givin birth to him your self plz dont put a wall up between you and him as young as he is he still will feel the rejection and it will not do your marrage any good to as a singel mom now for the last 8 yrs and you know I am still raiseing MY daughter. she love's and see her mom now on holidays or spring break but I am still her Mother we are so bonded and God knew she needed a mother see her mom has since had 2 more children other then her and her sister and an older brother so look deep at why this child was put in your life okok I'm done now and I hope you will find some thing that will help you on here God bless ...

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P.M.

answers from Dallas on

Hi T.,
First let me say thank you for caring enought to help this child. I believe that you have taken the first step to help by asking for help. T. this little child is crying out for both help and bounderies. When adults go through difficuties the children feel it, however they do not know how to express it. They experience frustrations, anger, fear and trust issues. What he is trying to do is compensate for those feeling and he is having fits because noone can comfort those emtions he is feeling. First is to continually assure him that he is loved by his mom and dad. Many children of divorce or separation blame themselves for the parent divorcing or separating. They feel angry, hurt and fearful that they will be abandant by the other parent. They can develop fear of death and separation anxiety. So the next critical things to say to him is that mommy and daddy love you very much and they will be here for you. Daddy left mommy not you! You did not do anything to make Daddy go away. But daddy will live close by so that you can call him, talk to him ans spend the weekends/ or every other weekend with you, pick you up from school, come you your soccer game, or your school function. This is where the adults must make every effort to help keep the support for this child. He should have his own room and take him shopping to get the beading he wants, lamps, few stuffed annimals or toys he likes to play or sleep with, including favorit pjs and his own tilettries. Even playing his favorit music that is peaceful or encouraging at night can help. Always read a book with happy thoughts or play a game where you all laught out loud and make it fun for him. Children laugh over 100 times a day, if he is carring the world on his shoulders you need to cast those care on your shoulderes to let him be a child. Everyone must be sure that they have their dates, times and facts straight when it comes to picking him up form shool or each others home and also when it comes to his events. They are very keen on that because it goes back to trust. Can they trust you when you say you will be there, can you be trusted to do what you promise. If not then you can expect anger and frustration to rear it ugly head again. Also help him when he can not help himshelf. If he is throwing a fit, get down to his level and talk to him in a calm auoratitive voice. Such as Madison this is not exceptable, when you can stop crying or what ever his action is I will talk to you. I can not talk to you when you are acting this way. I love you to much to let you do this to you and others. I want to help you, but this is not exceptable! They continue to fight, hit, cry carying take them to a chair, couch and or bed and if you have to carry them put them on it and tell them that when they calm down they can talk and go have fun. You must remain calm, patient, and your tone if calm no screaming that just adds fule to the fire. Once they calm down, you gently put your hand on his hand and let him know that you are sorry he feels sad and angry and that you want to help. But explanin that adults also feel sad. They talk to someone about how they feel. They feel bad about feeling bad so you can wipe their tears and nose gently while telling them how much they are loved and that you want to spend yout time having fun with them. Ask them if they wat to go to a park to play, or play a board game, or help you cook, anything that envolves the two of you or the daddy or mommy and them. This is what they are asking for is time. Love in a childs mind is spelled TIME! I hope this has helped. Again thank for loving a child and helping them grown secure, and loved.-P.

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A.M.

answers from Dallas on

Look into Love and Logic parenting. It puts the fun back into parenting and helps with handling discipline. Remember also, that the child has to realize that you will have different expectations at your home and some of his actions will not be tolerated. Shower with love and attention for positive behavior and ignore negative behavior--sometimes that is what the child is wanting is attention and at home he may only get it when he acts out. Also, play therapy may give you answers as to what is happening with him. He seems way to violent so it makes you wonder what is happening at home. What is he seeing, experiencing, etc. Get him to a counselor for play therapy and get to the root of this. In the meantime don't leave him alone with the other children you will need to be present to be sure no one gets hurt. Pray over him alot, and pray and thank God for the character you want him to have. A.

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T.R.

answers from Dallas on

Hi T...
I am so sorry for your step son and also for your family. This can be very hard thing to endure. The first thing that has to be asked is how long you have been in this childs life? Reason being is, if he doesn't remember a time not having you as step-mommy, then you can be a key role in discipline, however, if you are new to him then Daddy and Mommy need to be the key disciplinarians. It is not recommended that Step-parents be the ones that discipline a child. I personally don't like putting labels on children.. oh he has this disorder.. oh no maybe this disorder.. lets just prescribe this and zone him out. Why not get to the root of the problem and solve the issue so he can be a productive teenager and then adult. Personally I believe you need to schedule a sit down with your husband and the childs mother. It is imperative to this child that they (bio parents) be partners in still raising this child. NO bickering and using the child to hurt one another.. they need to be advocates for his well being together. Make out a plan as a family.. if counseling is needed for this than great. I think counseling can be a wonderful thing. What is important is that this child is given some stability and feels that he is accepted and loved. Children don't come with a hand book so we are all learning to navigate through this together. Blending families has to be one of the hardest things, but it can be done. Seek out help and don't be ashamed to do so... do it now before he gets any older.

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P.K.

answers from Dallas on

Nip it in the bud! A little alone time in the corner allows him to think about the consequenses without violence. It does work.

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M.W.

answers from Dallas on

Hi T.,
I feel your frustration. Is this is the first time this little boy has been put in a child care situation? He may be having an incredibly difficult time coping. My son was two the first time he was put in child care... it was awful. He did not hit the teachers, but he would come home and throw the worst temper tantrums and hit me.

IF you or your husband can talk with the biological mother, you should suggest that she use time out to let him vent his frustrations. He may just need an acceptable way to let out all of those feelings. Then after he has calmed down, explain to him that it is ok to be upset (sad, etc.), but that type of behavior is not acceptable. Then give him some coping methods. Taking a deep breath, snuggling with mommy on the couch, etc.

I do believe in spanking and it works in some cases... however, if he is trying to work out his feelings it is a totally ineffective discipline.

I would also suggest that he needs a routine. This may be difficult at four, but if he has a regular pick up time, dinner time, bed time, etc, this will help him tremendously.

Another thing to consider, is the visitation regular? Finally, if discipline is not consistent and routines are different between households, none of this will matter.

I am sorry that this turned out so long. My heart goes out to you and your family. I truly wish the best for you and that precious little boy (even though he doesn't seem precious right now).

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C.T.

answers from Dallas on

I am in exactly the same situation!!! My step son has just turned 5 yrs old and has been in Pre-K with behavior concerns. He has thrown chairs, spit at the principal, thrown tantrums, hid under tables etc. His mother has gone so far as hiring a behavior psychologist but we have yet to have a report. The interesting thing about it, is we hear of all of these behaviors but have NEVER experienced them in our home. I am a health care professional who studied child development so I am familiar with the necessity of discipline, boundaries, and consistency with children. We have never tolerated back talk, violence (for kids..hitting biting etc), lying. The kids are required to do what they are asked of when they are asked. No questions asked. While that sounds strict, we provide double the amount of praise and positive attention for good behavior and especially when rules are followed without being asked.
We have recently learned from the older sibling that this is the exact opposite at their house. They've never even had a bedtime!! Until recently...They are reaping what they sowed, so to speak, with their lack of discipline and are now asking for our help in how we do things.
We have our kids every other weekend and make it a point to have fun family time together with all of the kids, my 2 step kids and our new child.
A big issue I had to deal with initially with my husband was his guilt for leaving the kids. He was giving them anything they wanted because he felt guilty for leaving them and only seeing them some weekends. Make sure this is not an issue. While we realize we are not the "fun" house versus their mom's because of our rules, we realize this structure will be appreciated later on. And, surprisingly we have great kids on the weekends. We've done co-functions with mom and both kids are completely different while around her.
I have to say, and my husband would agree, they are brats!!
We just this weekend, us and the kids, made poster boards of the expected rules, and initiated the green and red star program. When the rules are followed without asking they get a green star, when not a red star etc. They get a nonfood reward when they get 20 green stars. They were so excited they wrote down the rules!! I am rambling about this because I can empathize with how difficult this is and I must stress how important it has been for us to be 100% consistent with our discipline, which was difficult for my husband at first. If my stepson had to spend all weekend in his bedroom for time out, then that was what occured. Fortunately, it never got that bad.
Another thing that we have done was always, always, explain why he was getting in trouble, even if you think he should know. This was done After he had calmed down prior to letting him rejoin the family. Then it was emphasized (and especially by me becuase I was the new one in the mix) that we loved him and wanted him to be an important part of our family but that when he hit, bit etc that was a way of telling us he did not want to be a part of the family. I hope this info helps and I wish the best for you. I truly do. It is absolutely not exceptable behavior he is exhibiting and if he is allowed to continue it could be a serious issue. there is certainly an attention seeking aspect of this behavior. Try to find out why and address that issue while not allowing the outburst to go unaddressed.

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T.T.

answers from Dallas on

I understand your concern. I would not want to expose my children to behavior like that also. Most anything that is done MUST be done by your husband otherwise both the child and his mom will become resentful.

I would strongly recommend that you get that child evaluated. It sounds like there is more going on here than just anger issues. Can your husband talk to the mom and work with her? I know there was a boy in my son's pre-k last year who exhibited simular behavior. It got so bad that the school said he could not come back until he was evaluated by a doctor. It ended up he had a SEVERE case of ADHD. The teacher said that he was a different child (for the better) after he got on the meds. Maybe y'all could talk to the school and see if they recommend anyone for an evaluation.

I'm sure his mom is at the end of her rope also, so hopefully you can work with her. GOOD LUCK!!

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N.S.

answers from Dallas on

T., When I divorced my 1st husband my son was 5 years old. He started acting out in school both in behavior and academics. When he was in the second grade I remarried and we moved. Both of these were tramatic on top of the divorce. By the forth grade he was out of control. That is when the school councilor stepped in. The councilor had lunch with my son everyday in her office for the rest of the year. She talked with him and went over a coloring book she had about when your parents divorce. That was his turning point. He had so much anger built up inside of him about his father and I divorcing that it came out in his behavior and studies. I never knew that he blamed me for all of it, but the councilor helped him work through it and he is a loving & caring 16 year old now. His academics could be better but he has worked though his feelings about the divorce and is healthy emotionally.
I don't know how well you get along with your step son's mother, but it would benifit him (and all of his family) immensely if you could get him into counciling. Maybe if you or his mother belongs to a church they could help or suggest someone to talk to. This little guy is hurting and he is so young he probably doesn't know what all these emotions are and certainly he doesn't know how to handle them. Good Luck.

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M.D.

answers from Dallas on

T.,
What are some of his favorite things he like to do? Whatever they are try taking some of those priviledges away from him and see how that may help. It always helped with my girls and I am also doing the same for my granddaughter and that seems to work.
Thanks,
M.

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