Need Advice Dealing with My Team's Parents

I was head of the Girl Scouts in our area when my daughter was young. I can tell you that some parents are that way in whatever activity their kids participate in. It was hard getting enough parents to be leaders so when a dad wanted to be an assistant leader I jumped at the chance. Only thing was he could only do it on his days off which was Saturday and so they set the meetings for 2 Saturdays a month. This was fine with almost all the parents except one mother who called me and told me that Saturdays just wasn't a good day for her daughter. I could argue with this but it wouldn't do any good so I just said "Oh... ok, what day would you be available for meetings?" She said her daughter would be available about any other day but Saturdays. I said "oh, I mean, when will YOU be able to take on a meeting?" She said "ME? I can't be a leader!" I smiled and said "Then I am sorry, I have a parent willing to be the leader and so they set the meetings according to his schedule since we have to have at least 2 leaders at every meeting"

Next time some parent "helps" coach. Ask them to be your assistant coach and watch them run. If they agree, then put them to work with some of the work that takes time and free yourself up a little. Also when there is another parent that complains, point to the "assistant" and let her handle them!

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My girls play soccer and I know parent coaches take a lot of grief. Everyone thinks they can do it better, but rarely are they willing to actually step up and take on the role. My daughter's favorite coach took this approach (the girls were a bit older than yours, but I think the principal still applies): He held a parent's meeting at the beginning of the season. He spelled out clear expectations of the parents - not just his coaching philosophy. He said he would discuss with parents what kids could do to improve and other issues related to their child. What he would not discuss was playing time, positions, other children on the team. The parents respected this, and the improvement in the team was amazing. I'd encourage you to set expectations of the parents and then stick to them! If you have parents unwilling to respect your role as the coach then perhaps the kids should find a different team to play with.

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Sure do - Hand them your clipboard and walk away without saying anything - and the whistle. The coach did that to a parent at my nephews ballgame. He never said a word handed them the stuff and turned to the team and said Kids - I'd like to introduce you to your new coach! The parent was of course mortified but there was about 25 people in the crowd that stood up and applauded!!!

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Hello! This is probably going to be long, but I speak from experience!

First, it sounds like you are a wonderful coach! I agree with the other posters' advice of using a sign-up sheet for snacks and clean-up. This is very standard in any activity and it's no secret to parents that if they pitch in with the program, it endears them AND their child to the coach/teacher/director!

As far as the parents, a few words of advice. First, try not to mope about the long hours and work you're doing. YOU signed up to do them and dwelling on them will make you as grouchy as those parents and tempted to stoop to their level.

Next, know that you are correct. You are in line with the program's philosophy and whoever coordinates the overall program should back you up. You never have to worry about what those parents are saying because you are ONLY there to run the softball team. The bleachers are not your problem and in a way, you need to have "tunnel vision" about why you're really there. Only focus on the field and as long as their children are not carrying their negative attitude onto the field, it's not your problem and you should ignore it. In fact, you should be so focused on these snide parents' children that you don't even notice it.

IF their daughters bring the bad attitude onto the field, THEN you have every reason and right to contact the parent. Say something like, "I wanted to let you know of a concern I'm having about Jennifer. She seems upset that she's not getting to play catcher more often. We're just a community team, and I really care about her and want her to have fun. Perhaps she should try switching to a competitive team if she feels we're not providing a quality program for her."

If the parent balks at that idea and wants to help, say, "You COULD help me out by making sure that there's a positive attitude around home. Making snide comments is never a good idea and you could chat with Jennifer about being a good team player."

I have learned that "kill them with kindness" doesn't just get the job done, it actually feels great! I get to keep my sense of dignity and the parent knows that I truly care about their child. Good luck and stay focused on what you signed up for, not what's being said on the bleachers!!

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I feel for you -- how terrible!! Our kids are a bit younger, but I'm often surprised at what parents in the bleachers say about the kids, the coach and anyone else during games. I think the sportsmanship rules should apply to the parents more than the kids. How are you supposed to concentrate on your team? The saddest part is what the girls are learning from their parents' behavior.

Stand up straight, walk up to the group after the game and ask them how it's going. Open the door for discussion and embarass them a bit about their childish behavior.

Hi R., Sounds to me that your couching philosophy is right on. I also coach this age group (boys volleyball) and it is such a great time to teach them the basic skills of the game. Since you have already stated your philosophy to the parents a few times, don't worry about them anymore. Do your best to ignore them. Most likely they are just trying to get a rise out of you and see if it gets their kid more playing time in the position they want their kid to play. As you said, these are not the ones stepping up to help in any way. You gave them a chance to speak up and they chose not to. You do not need to spend any more of your precious time worrying about them. I'm sure there are other parents sitting near them in the stands who also see their true colors. And for that matter they see yours shining thru also! Keep teaching those girls all about the game. You are setting a great example for them about peer preasure and sticking with what you believe in!

I applaud you for your great coaching. There should be more like you.

Their are always parents who need their children to be the best because either they themselves weren't or they were forced to be the best as children. They won't go away. I think it's like they have to prove something to everyone that their child is the best to make up for something lacking in themselves. That is why the childish behavior, if they want to act like children treat them like children. For example if a two year old is trowing a fit because they didn't get their own way, you walk away and ignore them and the fit will stop eventually. Ignore the parents childish behavior. Treat the girls equally and if questioned simply say we are a team of equals that means equal time at all positions.

As far as snacks, here at the beginning of every season the schedule is handed out along with snack assignments. Each player is assigned a game, to bring enough drinks and snacks to for every player. That happens all the way to the high school leagues. Just an idea, it would take some burden off of you. If you wanted to you can ask for help with the other stuff too. Some parents are good at stepping up and pitching in to make things work, with no strings attached.

I like your philosophy and wish you coached my daughter. Keep up your good work!

My daughter is actually very good at sports but because she's short her coaches never give her the time of day. I keep making snide remarks like your parents but mine are focused differently I keep saying teamwork, let's pass the ball, we don't need a ball hog etc...All the parents I'm dealing with are there to win win win and that's not the league were in. Were in the recreational league not the competative.

My daughter plays soccer and softball.

When I coached my daughter's t-ball I was exactly like you and we were there to have fun and be fair everyone got to play. I had alot of parents actually thank me for fairness and kindness at the end of our season.

Keep up your good work! I swear woman make better coaches they're more rounded and fair.

That is so RUDE!! They do it at my girls t-ball games too as the coach was new...I wish people who do more would actually volunteer to help everyone out.

I would ignore the childish behavior...if impossible, ask to talk to them after the game and express your concerns. I would think there are leagues out there for girls who want to play at a higher competitive level. Maybe find this out and give the information to the parents.

As far as snacks and other duties...can you pass around a sign up list? I am sure there are at least some parents that may offer to help or did not know what needed to be done.

I applaud you for volunteering...it is a tough job that shouldnt have to be!!

I apologize, but I have to say I agree with your parents. I have four kids in softball and baseball, and unless they play on teams that don't keep score, at that age they should be starting to define who they are as players, and at the same time learning new things along the way. As far as snacks go, you can try putting together a calendar, and highlighting game play days, then let parents sign up for snack days. You could also have a meeting with your players and ask them how they feel. It may surprise you, some of them may not want to play "key positions". One mor thing you may want to reiterate to your parents is that every position is important, you must ave a field full of players to play the game.

I wish everyone had your philosophy. IT should be all about having fun and learning abou the sport as well. I have my kids in community ed soccer and I hear some rude remarks as well. I just want my kids to let out some energy, have fun and be active!! We have not even played a "game" since we started, and that is okay with me. Some parents are very upset about that. Keep up the good work, keep stressing your philosophy. Other than that, I don't really have any advice for you. Sorry

I know exactly what you are going through and let me tell you it gets worse the older the girls get. I have been coaching volleyball for a select team for 10 years now. It has taught me how not to be a parent of an athlete (or any other activity for that matter). 2 years ago I almost walked out of a volleyball tournament because I had 2 parents standing behind my bench the entire day. It was awful. Most parents don't seem to be subjective about their own child’s actual ability sometimes. I coach 13-14 year old girls so by then it is more about the girl with the better skills plays rather then the learning aspect. I know what I am doing as it sounds like you do as well. I would either have a meeting with the parents and pretty much lay it on the line with them that this is your way of coaching/teaching these girls how to play softball and if they don't like it then don't come back next season. Or if you are part of an organization maybe have your director speak with the parents. But either way you should let them know that you are the content expert and you know what your doing so they need to take a step back and support their child and stop with the remarks because TRUST me kids see what their parents are doing and it really does upset them. I have had times when the girls are screaming at their parents to stop complaining. It is always the parents never the players (well for the most part). Sorry for going on and on but I know how you feel and it just makes me so made. Good Luck!!!!!

R.,
We had the same issue when my son played basketball. There was these parents that would do the same things. Yell that the coach should put so-and-so in. Our coach handled it very nicely by stopping the game and turned around told the parent that he was the coach if they would like to take over, please do so and asked the parent to either keep quiet or leave. Took care of it and we never had a problem again. Good luck!

I coached 10 and 11 year old girls soccer, and the first year that I coached, they called and told me that if I didn't coach, the kids wouldn't beable to play. The other parents on the team wouldn't do it, so I did. I had a team of girls that were a little over weight and never played soccer. What news that was, I didn't know anything about soccer and I was hopping for a team that had at least one child that has played before to help me out. I lived in a town that had a wonderful soccer associtaion but was having problems with parents running off the refs. So they decided that if a coach got red carded for the parents behavor that the coach would also be fined for it. When we coaches learned of this, I had my first parents meeting. I told them I was new at coaching so they would have to forgive me, I am learning as their kids were. I also told them that if they think they could do a better job then I then they need to coach, other wise keep their comments to themselfs, and I was coaching because none of them would. I also told them that if any of them caused me to get red carded and fined for their behavor, that I would knock on their door and collect the $50 fine from them.
I didn't have to many problems after that meeting and next year two of the parents started coaching as well.

Just keep at it, you are doing a good job, and ask one of your problem parents to help you with a practice and have them do most of the work.

R.,
I am an assistant coach (my brother is the head coach) of 8,9 and 10 year old boys baseball. You are right, it is a time for teaching and learning fundamentals. If your team is like ours, we are still getting brand new kids who have never played before, they need equal instruction. At the beginning of the year I hand out an assigned snack schedule. We involve other parents in our games and practices. It takes a village! It is very hard to coach a team all by yourself. Don't ask for help, you won't get any takers. Tell them to go base coach on first, keep score, help in the dugout getting helmets on, warm up a pitcher, help the catcher get her gear on, for example. Keep them busy. We had to enforce a rule that no one gets snack until the dugout is cleaned up and all equipment packed up and out of the dugout. (We had 4 baseball gloves, and 2 jackets left behind one night in their rush to get their snack.) The more you involve these parents the less time they will have to complain. Check your assosiations rules about player positions and equal time, at the same age we have alot of rules stating those types of things, then forward them to the parents highlighting those things and parental sportsmanship, midseason if you need to. Give them a warning about their behavior if all else fails, and turn it over to your umpires if you have to. Remember you will not be able to please every parent all the time, you do not give up control by enlisting these parents to help. You need to get the parents invested in the team, try it, it really does help.

If you have any questions you can email me directly,
V.

R..
I feel you are doing right by trying to let ALL girls be involved in the game by teaching them how to play all positions, If I heard parents talking behind my back I would go to them and say if you have a problem with the way I coach you should come talk to me not the person next to you. let them know you know what the are up to.let them know that all girls have the right to learn all positions and if they don't like it they can come back next year and start up there own team. I would tell them that one of the reasons we have little leages is to teach team work unlike what they must have learned when they were little. but that is me you might be able to do it better in your own words but don't let them walk on you that is not fair to you and thank you for being a coach we need more caring people to work with our young children

GOOD LUCK! my husband coached last year, high school baseball, and tried to be competive and the parents were his biggest pain. he loves the kids, hates the parents. i guess what i am saying is that even if you tried to be competive instead of focusing on fun and fundementals the parents are still not going to be happy. my husband tried to stress good sportsman ship and playing the kids at the best position and still nothing but hassels. it got so bad that he did not coach this year and the new coach is expierencing the same grief.
good luck you'll need it.
mgood

I kind of know how you feel. I taught park & rec dance and some parent have unrealistic expectations. I say ignore them unless they talk to you directly and make sure the kids are having a good time. When a parent does come to you, calmly state your philosophy and tell them if they don't like they can find another team for there daughter or suggest they coach next year.

Good Luck

First of all you need to realize that you will never be able to please all of the parents all of the time. I have been coaching for 20 years and have had some great parent groups (and some not so great ones, too). The key to keeping a handle on the parents is COMMUNICATION! While they still may not always agree with you, if you keep them in the loop and your philosophy in the forefront, they will either learn to respect your stand, or find a more competitive team "where their child's talents are recognized". Focus on the participants, the good parents, and let the side comments roll off your back - it's not worth stressing over.

I would hold another meeting and say something like, "in the spirit of teamwork, I would sure appreciate if all the parents could pitch in and help out with some of the tasks involved with maintaining our team." You could designate several "captains" making sure the ringleader of the snide group is one of the captains. assign each captain a task, raking fields, bringing snacks, cleaning the stands, and the biggie- meeting with Coach to decide where each person plays for the next game. Most of the parents shouldn't mind pitching in- and maybe the rest will learn a lesson in teamwork and and realize how much work your job is.

Let us know how your situation turns out- I feel for you on this one. It is never easy to manage people without ruffling feathers.

I have also coached softball in the past at those ages and unfortunately there are always some parents that ruin it for others. When I was coaching if I felt that the parents were getting out of hand, I would call them on it right there, and ask them since they seem to "know" so much would they like to coach. I have also talked to the umpires prior to the game and have asked them to take care of the parents when they feel necessary, I have also umpired so I know that the umpires can ask the parents or anyone to leave. Your last step would be to have the commisioner talk to the parents and see if they understand it and what it takes to coach from someone with a little more authority. Good Luck!!!!

Is there any parent that you do feel you can communicate with? Could you ask them to help you deal with the others. This is a tough situation, "parents behaving badly," and it is one we never solved when my husband taught music in a private school. Parents didn't like his casting decisions for plays, they didn't like the music he choose. One even got mad that my husband had to stand up in front of the kids to direct them.

No real advice here, just sympathy!

R. -
I think you've done all you can do. Some people will complain no matter what.

It's hard as a parent not to tell the child what to do, I have to hold myself back sometimes & remind myself I am not the coach! I am only there to encourage.

Best of luck!

Stick to your guns. I had a terrible experience with my son playing baseball in little league. He had a jerk for a coach and he only cared about winning. My son only got to play 3 innings of every game while other kids got to play the whole game every game because I was told they were better players. Ever since this experience my son has had no other interest in any sport other than soccer. I feel his choice not to socialize much also has some to do with this. When kids are younger, who cares if you win. It is about learning and having fun. The coach even tried to take my son out of a tournament game to play another kid that wasn't even on his team. I have a bad taste in my mouth about children and sports. Just keep encouraging the kids and being fair that is the way it should be. S. ( Burlington, Iowa)

Yu're the coach and it sounds like a great coach at that. People are going to talk because it seems to be human nature these days. Do you need to have another parent meeting? Answer their quetions/concerns head on. would anyone like to be an assistant coach? Ask parents not to get sucked into the "gossipy, high school " ways by cutting off the perpetrators comments. Not all parents have to buy into that and their words can help stop it all as well. I would have loved to had you as a coach when my 'clumsy' son was trying to play basketball!

It sounds like you are a wonderful coach!! My advice is keep it up!! My husband coached several years of baseball and no matter how good of a job the team did or he did, there were always parents making comments. I'm hoping that the league you are in has posted the rules that everyone should follow regarding that type of behavior. Maybe having the president of the league send out an proper etiquette email might squash the behavior for awhile. I would try and enlist the help of another parent on the team to organize the snacks, field work and cleanup. You have your hands full coaching. Good luck!! and just remember, you are coaching for the kids, not the parents!

Dear R.,

We as teachers and coaches, are often in a position to not only teach the kids, but to teach the parents. Many times adults were never taught the ideas of integrity, gratitude, teamwork and other important values. It is sad but true. Find a way to explain and encourage a strong team, both with your kids and their parents.

In addition to your parent meeting, have kids and parents sign an agreement, stating the expectations, philosophy, values, etc and what they can expect from you.

I would confront any behavior that is an example of poor sportsmanship and point out what message that is sending. Ask the offender to please stop and if they are unable to or are so unhappy, please find another team. Confrontations are never easy or fun, but know that taking care of a problem like this will make it better for everyone.

If it continues, dismiss them from the team and often that will set the rest of the parents straight. If you let it continue, it can poison others and make it a lousy experience for everyone.

Hope this helps. Let me know how it all turned out!

J.

I think you have wonderful approach and attitude about it. I can't stand the parents like that.
At my daughter's gymnastics class the coach is really strict and if a parent is yelling to their kids she says "No coaching from the stands, they can't learn how to do it from me if they're listening to you." We all got the point right off the bat.

At this point in the year I'd probably just print off a newsletter and send it home with the kids to let the parents know how the team is doing so far and what your approach is. And then add: "You might also want to start thinking about whether or not you would be available to coach next year because I'm really feeling that many of the parents are not happy with the job that I am doing and I would like someone else that might have better experience to take over at the end of the year. It's a very time consuming job and apparently all of my time spent isn't getting the job done so I'd rather spend it with my family and let a more experienced person do it.
That way it's respectful and you aren't making any enemies and hopefully they'll get the point that you've had it with their disapproval and they better get with it or you're gone.
Hope this helps,
J.
Mom to 4, soon 5 through another adoption and hopefully more :o)