Need Advice - Pawtucket, RI

My oldest will be 14 this Feb. She seems depressed sometimes as well, but not to the point your daughter is. I make sure I say godbye to her every morning b4 she leaves for school, and I always tell her I love her. Make time throughout your day to pat her on the back, kiss her on the cheak, hug her, even if she tells you to stop,know that you still touched her heart. Don't let her actions of "pushing you away" or rejection fool you.... Its all a show, If she tells you to stop, then stop, but always come back and try again it will take some time ( it will seem like forever) but you will get through and she will come around!!
Just let her know you are there is comfort enough for her, and now and then remind her that you are here for her if she needs somebody to talk to. To her your advice is not bad, its the visual that her mom was once a kid that freaks her out. she is abrasive because she feels safe with you, she knows she can say and do whatever and you will still be there for her, YOU ARE HER SAFETY, with her Peers she is not so sure and thefore you get all her fustrations.

I hope this helps you
M.

I'm a mom to two boys ages 13yo and 10yo, both have ADHD (along with a few other diagnoses and both are also on the autistic spectrum but very high functioning).

About a year ago my 10yo wanted to do the same thing as your daughter- he wanted to cut his hair right at the front of his head on his own. Of course I stopped him from doing so (at the last minute too). He couldn't explain why he wanted to do it either. 6months later he decided to grow his bangs so that it would cover his eyes and nose- I didn't let him do that either.
I saw all of that as a sign of depression and took him to a psychologist for an evaluation.
I was right!
It turned out that my son has been depressed for quite a while now (he says it's been 2 years).

When a child is depressed they can do all kinds of irrational things that will attract attention. I believe that cutting their hair that way was a "cry for help".

M.

Is your daughter med icated 4 the adhd/add there arre studies that most add/adhd meds cause deppression try a homeopathic(herbal) Dr. Also make sure she gets counselling.

T.,
My daughter was thirteen when she started having problems. Her older sister never went through the mood swings so this was new territory for me. My daughter cut also, but not her hair, her arms and legs. I tried talking to her her but she would shut down or become angry. I found her a psychologist and a psychiatrist and they diagnosed her as Bi-Polar. She was also diagnosed as having major depression. It took going through three different psychiatrists before I found one who listened, and put her on a low dose of a mood stabilizer. Some of the doctors wanted to medicate her so much that it became a nightmare. I really had to be vigilant and question everything, in order to find the right person to work with. But it did help alot. My daughter still sees a psychologist(its been three years), but I had to go through 5 to find the right one. She is off meds now as it seems her hormones have stabilized enough, so I am not entirely sure the Bi Polar diagnosis was correct. Depending on how close you live, there are several groups for girls this age to become a part of, socializing and therapy all rolled into one, at Newton Memorial Hospital. I believe St Claire's Hospital in Denville also has some programs, as well as therapy groups for parents going through this type of thing. All can work with your budget, and talking to others in the same position makes all the difference in the world. Good luck!

Hopefully with these diagnosis your daughter is in theraphy.
What does her theraphist say. There are support groups for parents of children with disabilities that will help you cope and deal. These groups are broken down into the particular disability. Check your local paper.

My experience with this kind of situation may be a little bit different. I actually was that kid around that age. I always felt like I just didn't belong and I needed to stand out in order to get any attention. My parents are wonderful people I never really wanted for anything as a child, they made sure we were happy. Finally a guidancce counselor at school recommended therapy and that I get tested for ADHD. I went to a psychologist and was diagnosed as ADHD and the went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed as clinically depressed. Having therapy as an outlet was very good. Unfortunately they did put me on medication and the meds for both these are exact opposites (uppers and downers). I ended up feeling like i was in limbo and couldn't feel anymore. At that point I attempted suicide. Thankfully I failed. My docs stop the meds and just started intensive therapy. It worked I am lot happier now and so is my family. It took awhile and a lot of trial and error before we got it right but we did. Definately get your daughter into some kind of therapy, but I strongly recommend to try as hard as you can to avoid the meds. Being numb isn't any fun. She will appreciate you for it but she might not show it for a while. Good luck I truly hope that everything works out for you.

Having gone through that sort of thing when I was a teen I can tell you that the one thing that would have made the most difference for me would have been getting the help I needed. I suffered with depression (actually it was bipolar disorder but I didn't find out that until after I was long out of high school and my teen years) all through junior high and high school. I begged and pleaded in every way I knew how to get help but it didn't happen. I wasn't able to get into therapy until I was 22.

If she isn't already in therapy, you need to get her there as soon as you can. It really is a matter of life or death.

UNFORTUNATELY yes I can relate. My daughter, when around that age, began to slice her arms with a knife making huge marks all over her forearms. It is definitely an attention seeking thing used by kids with depression. After she did it she'd be embarassed and try not to let it be easily seen... but it was. She still has scars from this activity, and she's now 20 years old. Being a very smart girl, an honors student at Sacred Heart University, even, she freely talks about this hard time in her life and has a good understanding of her own needs and problems back then. She's also read a great deal on children's issues, and she has told me there are books she read that are about "cutters" and about teens who are depressed and things I could have been doing to help her. I was missing the mark completely, just yeling at her over it and not looking into the deeper reasons for why she was doing that to herself. DO NOT YELL AT YOUR KID for cutting her hair or doing a self destructive thing... though I don't know all, i do know that much. When they want attention, and do something like that, it's a sign they NEED your attention: and now that they HAVE it, open the door and let them talk, talk, talk. You have to get her to talk to you and let these feelings OUT. My daughter was molested as a child, and I know this is/was part of her issue. She didn't like to talk about it back when it happened, when she was 9.... and by 14 was taking it out on herself. She has a lot of good insight on it now.... if you want I could ask her what, specifically, you could or should do if anything for your daughter that my daughter thinks will help her to not want to be destructive to herself... though the methods are different I think the end result is the same goal, attention for some deep need not being met. There are also a LOT of good books out there and at local libraries (I could ask my daughter for the names, she's read them all basically) that either you or your daughter may want to read to help you both grasp what's going on... there are a lot of self destructive outer "signs" out there that kids do, whether it's "cutting" skin or hair off, eating disorders... I think they all tend to point towards attention seeking, appearing to punish themselves for something they're angry on the inside about. Read up if you can, and if you need names of books or more advice I'd be happy to talk to my daughter and ask her what things you could say, specifically, that may help get to the root of the situation. My daughter's a really caring child who can relate, and I'm sure she'd be happy to help and offer suggestions if you want. Good luck, I know it's certainly worrisome and difficult!

Is your daughter in therapy? She is exhibiting self-injurious behaviors. Often children with ADHD and depression hurt themselves on purpose because it feels good. Cutting her hair the way that she did is a mild case of this. If she isn't in therapy, I recommend that you get her in therapy very soon, and if she already is, then you need to talk to her therapist about this and other concerns.

I was your daughter when I was a teenager. I tried to commit suicide 2x. The first time at 14, the second at 16. I was a cutter, because there was so much inside me that cutting helped deal with the pain. I also did the extreme haircut things. I'm now 34 and still have ADHD and depression and anxiety. I still deal with issues of self-injurious behavior. These days I either pull out my eyebrows or hair. That doesn't mean that I don't think about cutting, or burning or hurting myself in some way.

Therapy is an important thing right now. There are good anti-depressants that can help her too. Being a teenager is scary enough, as I'm sure you remember, but with the other issues your daughter has, it can be a terrifying nightmare. Tell her you love her.

If you want to talk more, you can message me anytime. Good luck to you and you DD.

Not really in the smae situation but my 10 year old has bipolar adhd. And I think I have been through every mood swing in the world with her. Have you talk to her doctor since she cut her hair? I know mine is not a teen but I been dealing with it for a while if you ever need to talk I am hear.

S.