K.T. asks from Dothan, AL on April 21, 2008
Need Advice - Dothan, AL
Well I'm 5 months pregnant with my first child & the babies father has recently decided he doesn't feel the same about me anymore & it seems like he is doubting her being his. I don't know what to do, I cry & ask why all the time. If anybody has any advice please let me know..
1 mom found this helpful
C.M. answers from Tulsa on April 21, 2008
First and foremost, your concern is not him.... NO MATTER WHAT ($$ or anything else). The first main point is to keep in your mind that you will not allow anything that you cannot control to upset you. Try your best to stay calm.. you can cry, sometimes that helps, but put up the fight in your mind to stay strong and not to stress too much.. not to over think.. not to worry. I like to think that destiny is already written by GOD, and everything works out as he plan. He knew the choices you were going to make before you made them....Number one rule to try your very best from being upset, or allowing anyone the benefit to get you upset. Good practice in being mom now, when its "more or less easy".. due to she/he is in the womb.. is to Recognize that she/he feels everything that you feel. They are getting to know YOU at the beginning before ANYONE!
It is time to get down to the nitty gritty and get it out of the way so you can know what to deal with ahead. Its the care of your child that you want to protect, and not allow mischevious (spelling) harm being done. You can't control but you can try to play your cards smart for them. I sure hope you have family and friend support, for I didn't lean on anyone.. and it seems it wasn't smart. But if you don't.. you can lean on me anytime!!!
2nd. I would go to him infront of another family member of his and maybe even your own, and ask if you need to take the necessary steps now to out rule his parental rights.
3rd. Once that decision is made....then act accordingly.
I undoubtly know you are scared... and if it is your first its even more scary. I will be honest from experience 2 times around... it does hurt the heart a bit to see a child go through life without the fathers love or attention or respect..It doesn't begin to hurt until later.. when they are in daycare or school and other kids speak of stories of their dad. However you can never MAKE a person be a dad or mom. And it looks like he is recognizing or idealizing the responsiblity it is going to take from him and it is his own COP OUT way of saying "he's not quite in for it". However on the hindsite.. there are many mothers out there, that has had fathers that died in war, or illness.. and still raised fine Children.
And in the long run you are better off ... leaving him out of the pictures, if on the spot, he decides to COP OUT. If he doesn't then make sure right now you know the steps to take in order to place child support and child visition right when child is born.. I would say depends on your own descretion if you want to include him in your plans ahead.. or not. He's already somewhat trying to claim the baby is not his.. and your not married to him, so you can decide with righteousness on your side.. since you are sacraficing now.. and his is not until later...
Or.. if you really really feel you can give up a child and still stay strong with life.. there is adoption.. Knowing that what kind of life the child will have.
It is a rough road.. depending what kind of support you have, how rough the road actually is. And you are quite the baby yourself.. I feel for you. its tough.
Maybe just make an appoint with Adoption clinic just to discuss.. and see what feelings it brings on.. I bet it doesn't take long for you to know in your gut.. what is right for you and the baby!!!
God already knows what you will do.. you just don't, yet! But he loves you and he loves that baby and he does still love that father and me... But don't think he loves you ANY less!!
Your a smart girl.. you found this site, for help, and I just found this site within this week.. and I am a mother of two and 32!
Sooo much to think about, soo much responsiblity, soo much love and many emotions right now.. but focus and pray for all of you and you will be guided.
Much appreciation to see you here and inquiring is great!
1 mom found this helpful
R.H. answers from Oklahoma City on April 21, 2008
ooooooooo sweetie dont cry it will be ok. if you keep stressing your self out you are going to make your baby girl nervous. i was 17 when i had my first baby and 18 with my second and i had my times. but i remembered that i had to stand up and be a mom now so forget the dad he is the one missing out. if he doubts you then what do you need him around for all he will do is add problems. you will be fine and you need alot of support and you can get through this. i will be praying for you and you be relaxing you are hardly pregers and you have a while to go so maybe he will come around but if he doesnt you can still do this. God does not give us things we can not handle you can do it.
1 mom found this helpful
M.M. answers from Shreveport on April 22, 2008
Baby girl you are going to get soooo much advice. We all mean well. Some of us are just full of it and don't know it.
I offer this advice and will honestly admit I was not able to practice what I am about to preach.
First question: How are your folks handeling this?
Are they supportive? Are you still at home? Can you expect their help?
If the answer to any of these is no then you need stop and think. There are a lot of good agencies out there that offer birth mother involvement and financial help during the pregnancy. It would be a way to still be a part of your childs life and to be involved in the choice of parents. It can make all your lives better.
I kid you not. It is a hard choice. I as a woman in my late thirties at the time chickened out. I couldn't bare to part with my baby. The last thing I needed was a seventh child. I got VERY VERY lucky. We got back together and are still together all these years later.
The woman in my oldest son's life went ahead and had her baby. Within a year she was with my son and he has called Sophia his. They now have Alexander and I count Sophia as one of my four grandchildren.
I have a 19 year old who says he doesn't want any children of his own, but thinks he would like to marry a lady with some kids.
My 21 year old says he wants to adopt a whole house full after he gets his masters.
Your "baby-daddy" is not an example of every man on the planet.
Further more my own grand mother raised my mother alone in the 1930's and our family is very glad she did.
Now that said this is what I would tell my sixteen year old. Follow your heart.
What does it tell you? Follow your heart. You are getting a lot of advice right now. Just remember you and you alone will be the one in mirror each morning.
Follow your heart. Trust you.
1 mom found this helpful
M.M. answers from Enid on April 21, 2008
I know you are going through a rough spot just now but my advice to you is:
Stop crying and asking why.
Unfortunately, most men don't respond well to these kinds of outbursts and you are more likely to push him away. It's hard, especially when pregnant, to keep hold on one's emotions but try to...at least in front of him.
The first thing some guys try to do in these situations is find an easy way out. Usually that is by trying to convince themselves the baby isn't theirs. If you know for a fact that it's his, then stand strong. Get a paternity test if you need too.
Do you have a support base other than him? It's really important that you find friends and family that are willing to support you so that you don't have to rely on the baby's father.
It's a big change and I can tell you daddy's feeling over-whelmed. He's wondering if he's ready to be a daddy or if he's good enough. Pick him up! Make him feel good about himself and his abilities in subtle ways.
The more emotionally out-of-control you are, the more likely he is to slip away. Make sure you rest, eat good food, and meditate to clear your head.
Just remember, he's afraid. Keep this in mind when you talk to him. Be open and undemanding. If he truly loves you, he'll come around. If he ends up out-of-the-picture, then there isn't much you can do about it.
You need to do what's right for you and that baby. You aren't responsible for anyone else or their actions.
1 mom found this helpful
K.S. answers from Lake Charles on April 22, 2008
K., children are a blessing from God all Mighty,it will be hard but He is faithful, you'll see. It sounds like you need to evaluate your choices in relationships and next time look to the one that you allow to guide you into your "something amazing in life!"
A.W. answers from Hattiesburg on April 22, 2008
There's nothing you can do about the baby's father! He will eventually figure it out and regret it for the rest of his life. Sometimes our plans are not Gods plans! Jeremiah 29:11 but what he has in store for you will be great as long as you abide in him. Look to him to help you and pray about it. God will send you someone wonderful in your life when you least expect it and need it most. You will get back on track hang in there. If the father does not want to be part of your life or the baby's then you don't need him. You will find a way I did! I went back to school, got envolved in a wonderful church called Grace Temple in Hattiesburg. God sent me a good christian man that loves my children as much as he loves his. His kids are great with mine and the ages range between 17 and 4. I was 23 when my x-husband left and pregnant with our third child. We already had 2 babies. My childrens ages are 4,5,and 6. They were doorsteps. Crying is also a cleansing method to deal with what you are going through. It is better to cry and release some of that frustration and angry than to keep it bottled up! Hang in there you will get through this. This is just a milestone in your life to make you stronger and even a better person than you are. When you don't know what else to do or where to go read your Bible and pray, God will carry you! I promise you he did me!!! He will never leave you nor forsake you Hebrews 13:5, I'm living proove! Hope this helped. I will be praying for you and yours. God Bless and peace be with you, A.
D.D. answers from Birmingham on April 22, 2008
Dear K. T
You've already done the most important thing in thanking the Lord for this experience! The heavenly Father is the creator of the universe and this little life that He's entrusted to you. You don't mention your own family. If they are not supportive of your situation, how about your church family? There are agencies who can give you emotional, and sometimes financial & medical help. Often they have spiritual help as well. Look for a Sav-A-Life organization in your area. If your young man truly loves YOU, he can weather this storm. If he does not, God has a special warning for those who harm orphans & widows. Harm does not have to be physical. I'll pray for you and your situation.
C.B. answers from Tulsa on April 22, 2008
I don't know about your home life with your parents, but it is IMPARATIVE that you have support. I urge you find a crisis pregnancy center in your area. Many are listed in the yellow pages under "abortion alternatives" and allow them to help you. Also, try looking at MOPS.org, it's an international organization for mothers of preschoolers and they have several chapters of Teen MOPS throughout the country. You can search your zip code to see if there is a chapter near you. I was 25 and married when I had my first child, I can't know what you're facing, but I KNOW that you want to be the best mom you can be, just like all of us. I'm so proud of you and your attitude that this is an amazing thing, and your choice to give your baby a life! You've been couragous and I know that your life will be blessed if you can depend on the Lord and brace yourself for the hardest, most challenging, and most rewarding time of your life (the rest of your life)! PS: My mom was a teenage mother and my sister is now 38, we've had a very successful family, all due to faith in Jesus! I'll be praying for you K.!!! Much LOVE!