Naughty Neighbors

R.,
I agree with the advice others have given you so far. We had a situation when my oldest daughter was in elem school, a family moved in across the street. They had a daughter about the same age and the two become good friends. We recognized that their family lived in a way that we didn't want our daughter exposed to. My daughter was allowed to invite her friend over to our house often but we never allowed her to play at their house. When she asked why, we just said, "their family has different rules than what we have here. Its our job as your parents to be sure that you always follow our rules even when we're not with you." She always accepted that explanation and, if she did ever tell her friend the reason why, I don't think it was too awful sounding. If the parents would have ever questioned us, we could have stated the same reason. BTW-jump ahead a few years, my daughter is not friends with this girl anymore by her own choosing. This girls family has dealt with a number of teen pregnancies and even police surrounding the house to find her older sister who had robbed a jewelry store. We are so glad we protected our daughter.

Shelter your child. They have exactly one chance to be innocent children...once that's taken away, they can't get it back.

K.

1 mom found this helpful

I wouldn't let him play with them - at least not with the 'yeller' there. It sounds like your son is already a little scared of her (with good reason) and because he isn't old enough to choose his friends, it ends up being your job. It is great that the grandma has stepped up and is raising her grandchildren but it sounds like she may be overwhelmed. Hopefully more kids will move into the neighborhood soon!

I have problems with neighborhood kids, too. Have you tried talking to the parents when the Grandmother is not there? They may be surprised to hear how their kids are being treated while they are away. With my son, we talk about the behavior of the other kids all of the time. When one of the older kids says a word that we do not allow, we talk about it. I think that it sort of reminds him that we don't treat people that way. When the neighbor boy hits my daughter (all of the time) I tell her to come home and play at our hose where she will not be hurt and I say it loud enough for his mom to hear. What I do the most is tell the kids that they can go over to their friends houses and see if they would like to play in our yard, then I can keep an eye on how they are playing and control the enviroment a little better.

We have a girl down the street whose parents are great, but when she comes over she is very bossy with me and was hitting & kicking my daughter. She's younger, but definitely old enough to know what's right & wrong. Rather than not allowing them to play together, I invite her in where I can supervise and tell her she is not allowed to hit or kick. When she tells me she wants something I tell her she won't get it unless she can be polite and ask nicely. I have to be pretty harsh with her sometimes, but the last time she came over she ran up and hugged me. That was a surprise. She has definitely improved. This is not the first time my daughters' friends have behaved that way. I just can't believe how many parents let their kids boss them around these days.
Anyway, my suggestion is to NOT stop allowing them to play together, but invite them over and teach these children the correct way to behave "in your home". They obviously need some better guidance and will see that not everyone treats them the way their grandmother does.

i know you dont have a yard but perhaps they can play at your house sometime? your sone would appreciate it and the kids who probably dont have a lot would enjoy playing with new toys, if it doesnt work out at least you gave it a shot

It's a bummer that kids have to deal with things like this but that's the society that we've become. I love that I live in the country and my kids are friends with the kids I want them to be friends with because they don't have a choice. We go to playgroup and have met some wonderful people that we have spent time with. If I were you I'd not let my child go over there anymore. Instead invite the kids to your house once and a while. I wouldn't try too hard though because you certainly don't want your child to become best friends with one of them and want to spend all their time together. If the Grandma says anything about it I would just say "to be honest with you, my son isn't used to being yelled at and it scares him". "He thinks you don't like him because you called them idiots and he knows that that's a mean word to call someone".
Maybe then she'll get a clue.
Best Wishes,
J.

R.,
It's so hard when you want your son to have playmates but don't agree with their behavior and the morals the grandmother is teaching. (Do you think it would be possible to talk to her about this?) -Although, sometimes with the age difference, I'd worry she'd think you were 'telling her what to do.'
What if you invited grandma over for an afternoon playdate, and took over the 'parenting' and acted like a 'hostess.' If you made her comfortable in your environment, she may see that you use different words for disciplining. When you notice that one of her grandchildren uses a naughty word, you can nicely, inform them that those words are not ok in your house, and suggest a fun activity.

There's absolutely no easy way to do this. I'm sorry you have to go through that.

-K.

One idea is to have them over to your house, or at least the boy. When its on your turf and your home, you get to set the rules. So if he does act out of order you can tell him that you don't behave that way and that he would get along better with others if he acted with better manners. Sometimes if you're in control of the situation, the kids act better. They like rules and it might make your son feel more comfortable too. The neighbor boy may appreciate a "non-yelling" more calm environment.
Good Luck!
M. B.

I was in a similiar situation. However, it was the neighbor who decided she didn't like me. I yelled at my son to get out of the damn road (he was 9) and she decided that was inappropriate but letting her 2 year old wander the streets naked and unsupervised was ok and smoking pot in front of her children was also alright. Therefore, she told her son he couldn't play with mine anymore because I was a bad mom who yelled and swore. This was not the case. Basically, I suggest that you try to discuss with the grandmother that you would like the children to be friends but you would rather they play at your house. Or, set up play dates and take them all to the park since you don't have a yard. This is a sensitive situation no matter what. If you feel the need to talk to your son, I feel honesty is the best, but if you tell him the truth, you should talk to the grandmother as well. I do understand how you feel and I wish you all the best!!!

i think that if you keep explaining to your son that in your house things like bad language and the wild behavior is not acceptable you should be fine. he will probably hear more things on the school playground than you will ever know. do what you think you should. i dont think it will scar him to play with these children. besides maybe he will figure out he doesnt like playing with them.