Nanny Stealing Small items...what to Do?

She crossed a line 3 times, or maybe more that you are unaware of. Not to mention the fact that she never confessed or apologized when you confronted her. I would really not trust her with my most prized posession--my child. Would you ever take items if you were babysitting someone's child?

File a police report?! Good heavens, people....she's not taking anything of value, and the only thing you can PROVE she attempted to take was some freaking tupperware. Have a little compassion. Sounds like this poor woman just needs a raise. Are you paying her what she's worth or does her "English-as-a-second-language" issue mean she makes a fraction of what you or I would make doing the same thing?

If you don't want to rush to let her go, find someone who can translate and ask what's going on. If her language is that limited and she wanted to borrow but didn't know how to ask, that's one thing. Because the things are home care / kitchen related, and true valueables (if she has access to them as well) are ok, perhaps a conversation where someone can help translate and clear things up could fix things.

Learn from my mistake.

we had a very kind housekeeper. She was a Christian, very kind.. great references..

I noticed a few things could have been missing, but when my brand new ring that was custom made for me.. went missing.. I really thought I had just misplaced it...Continued to look and keep an eye open.. then 2 weeks late, my wedding engagement rings were gone!

I had been having a strange reaction on my hands from something.. and so I had not been wearing my rings every day..

I searched I asked her.. we all searched.. Gone.. I just could not believe she would take them and still deny she had seen them.. She quit.. We still live in this same home it has been over 20 years.. no rings.. I have never been able to replace these pieces of jewelry.. they re just never going to be the same.
I should have terminated her, but just felt like she was not a thief.. I have now learned, some people are just ill. They think they somehow deserve these things, or these items are not special to us..

Never again..

If you can't trust her with your swifter mop how in the world can you trust her with your daughter? She has proven herself to be untrustworthy. I would fire her immediately. At the least, she is a thief and a liar.

FYI... Good people do not continuously steal and the value of the items is not relevant.

Total violation of trust--you have caught her 3 times doing something that is morally wrong. I wouldn't wait for her to do something worse than stealing. This is your child's life in her hands. With what we've seen in recent years about things nannies might do when we aren't looking, I wouldn't give her another chance. I know that it really sucks to have to find new caregivers, but you owe it to your daughter and yourself to have someone who is totally trustworthy.

Really? You think you've confronted her and she will stop? You confronted her twice, and she still took a third time. Now she knows you will just keep confronting. She is stealing from your home. Don't you think people start out small, and see what they can get away with...so they can adjust? My friend had a sitter like that. I don't know how many times she "confronted" her, to only have it happen again. By the third time, I told her to fire her. Well, turns out she was seeing what she could steal, how, etc. The LAST time she stole, the time she was fired and a police report was made...it was her beloved grandmother's wedding band. Something she never saw again.

Fire her. Your daughter will adjust. Either that, or she will keep stealing. The next time something is stolen, it's YOUR fault. You are very naive to think she won't steal again. She will. Eventually, it won't be little, silly things.

Language has nothing to do with it. She knows stealing is wrong. You don't have to know English, to know you don't steal from employers. If you got caught stealing at work, what would happen? You would be FIRED. You have to remember, you are an employer...and she is an employee...not a friend.

I'm sorry about this. I really am. But you cannot have someone working for you who takes your things. Keeping her on instead of letting her go is giving her permission to steal from you, no matter how many times you talk to her about your things.

What will happen down the line is that she will take your sensitive information and sell it to someone who will steal your identity and empty your bank account. She actually may feel like she HAS to do it because of an abusive husband or boyfriend.

You might think this couldn't happen, but where is her LINE, J.? Small things first. Multiple small things that you've already talked to her about. Why would she stop when she knows you aren't going to do anything about it other than ask?

If she has a key to your home, change the locks and give her two weeks severence pay. Let her go without having her work ANY notice. Make sure nothing is missing before you do it.

I put up with poor cleaning to a certain degree, but I did NOT put up with dishonesty. I've let go of people because of it. I know it's hard to do, but it's necessary to safeguard your lives.

Dawn

The Swiffer? She could have thrown it in an outside can.
The Tupperware? Was it the disposable stuff? Some people throw that away. Did she think you would? Did she want to use it to being you guys something she made?
The measuring spoons? What happened to the ones you replaced with the new ones? Did someone steal those too? Or were they misplaced?
(Eye roll)
If you cannot verbally communicate with this nanny well enough to discuss these small items, you have no business having her as a nanny in the first place.
As far as "theft"? You got nothing.

The point is she is stealing. She is lying. Repetitively!!

Those to me are character traits that I value. I would not want a person that lacked integrity spending time being my children's care giver.

You are her employer. If she worked for Target and did this the cops would be showing up. I know..I know..she is a sweet lady that takes good care of your daughter. You don't want to disrupt your child's comfort. Don't be so desperate that you would sacrifice morality and civility. You can't trust the woman with your measuring spoons...how can you trust her with your child??

Good luck and best wishes!!

I understand how you feel with your daughter being comfortable with her and all. I just wanted to say, that people start with stealing the small things. She will graduate to the bigger things. If stealing is OK in her book, I don't think I would want her caring for my child. Whether she has a language barrier or not, everyone knows right from wrong. That would be a huge deal for me. What if she thought leaving the house for a little bit was OK, say, while your child was sleeping? Good luck on your decision, I know it will be a hard one.

J. - please ignore the people implying you're an idiot for having a nanny you can't perfectly converse with. There is a huge difference between having a straight forward, unawkward conversation with a nanny whose English isn't perfect vs a conversation like you're describing with her feeling funny and panicking and her English getting muddled bc of that while you not knowing exactly what to say... There are nuances when someone is a native speaker that disappear when someone isn't and the only time it's an issue with a nanny is when something is awkward. I've lived it for years. Not saying the stealing isn't an issue btw. Just reading some people's responses, I had to comment on the English part. You're new to this site. Some people can be obnoxious in the way they answer. Ignore them.

it's a tough call. great nannies are true treasures, and a few measuring spoons are, from one point of view, a small price to pay.
but there are a few other things to consider as well. it DOES seem pretty fishy, the flustered reaction and the offer to replace the items while never actually admitting taking them. is it possible there's a cultural divide here? or can it be reasonably chalked up to absent-mindedness and subsequent embarrassment?
if she's so good she's worth salvaging, i'd sit down with her and be very very honest and clear. tell her your suspicions and emphasize that it cannot be allowed to continue. yes, you're risking her taking something BIG and disappearing, but from the profile you've described here it seems unlikely. if she's a great nanny, this might just be what's needed to take this from being (in her mind) just a few negligible incidents to absolutely never under any circumstances.
you really can't let it go. well, i guess the nanny cam idea could work, but i don't like it as it has a big whiff of 'set up.' obviously if she's honest there's no problem, but i myself would feel knotted up if i did not have a cam set up as a general rule and only installed it to catch her red-handed. i prefer an upfront discussion. but if she really does think it's okay to help herself here and there and you don't address it, the comfort level will grow, and helping herself to more and more is almost inevitable.
but honestly, just firing her with no proof OR opportunity to redeem herself seems harsh too. is there any chance you could be mistaken, or misunderstanding?
the risk of talking to her is that she could go big and go home. the risk of just firing her is that you could be wrecking an innocent woman. i would find the first risk more acceptable.
khairete
S.

J.:

Welcome to mamapedia!

okay, here's my take:
1. you are not 100% positive yet you are accusing her.
2. you can't communicate well with her - but you hired her anyway?
3. you feel comfortable with her in your home, yet you are accusing her of stealing? that's a HUGE contradiction.
4. She has been with you almost a year - yet you have replaced the measuring spoons within the last five months. What happened to the last set?
5. Tupperware - REAL Tupperware or the disposable Glad products? I have so much of that stuff that I might be happy if some of it goes bye-bye!! LOL! I just donated a garbage bag full of the stuff I don't use regularly!!
6. Swiffer mop? Do you want to know how many of those I have broken? Snapped 'em right in two...since the poles are thin - they go right in the outside garbage can. To replace? Not much money. I have two anyway - one upstairs, one downstairs...i know, call me lazy but it works for me!

She might consider you wealthy. Who knows?! However, you either trust her in your home or you don't. If you don't - then you need to let her go. If you do - then you need to let this stuff go.

Only you can make this decision. You can put up nanny-cams to see if she is stealing, then you have proof - and then you would have to be willing to file police reports.

What would I do? I would hire someone I know I can trust and communicate with. If you are willing to learn her language, i would. You need to understand how some cultures work. I realize she is NOT her in "home country", however, there are some things that one doesn't shake easily.

I would let them know that if they need anything - they can ask - if I can spare it - it's theirs.

Good luck!

Find a way to have conversation with her. Tell her you know she took these items and ask her why she did so. Stealing these sort of items makes no sense. I suggest something else is going on and I'd want to know what it is. Since this is recent, I'd want to know what has changed in her life. Perhaps she's having some personal difficulties that will not negatively affect her ability as a nanny. And perhaps a direct conversation with her will ease your mind as well as stop the thefts.

Because she has several months of good service and these incidents are recent, I would hesitate to replace her without first trying to figure out what is happening. Perhaps she could bring a bi-lingual friend to translate.

Did you check her references so that you know she didn't steal from those placements? I might call an earlier employee and be direct and ask about theft.

It's so hard to find someone who is good with the kids and will do housework too. And it's rough breaking in a new nanny. Which gave me another thought. Are you paying her enough? Finding someone to both care for kids and do housework is difficult and she should perhaps be paid more than you'd pay just a nanny. And maybe she has had to move to a different apartment and needs some items and a slight pay increase would take care of this. She's from a different culture and perhaps what we see as theft she sees as borrowing. As you suggested she may see you as being "rich" and can afford losing stuff.

I am changing my answer (which suggested having a talk to her and putting her on notice OR letting her go). Just let her go. ASAP.

Stealing is lying, regardless of the item. I could not have a dishonest person in my home everyday, let alone watching my child. You never know how this dishonesty will progress. Play it safe and find someone new.

That sucks. I'm sorry. I totally know how you feel as we've had a nanny for 8 years. I will say I have never ever had anyone take anything. I have loved that they all have been so trustworthy. One nanny we had for 8 years and she was meticulous about giving me change etc. This type of thing likely will eat at you.

Eta: I hope the people who are saying we're all totally reacting have or have had nannies themselves. Otherwise, they really shouldn't comment. No one is saying file a police report. And it's awkward having a certain conversation with a nanny, never mind add in a language issue. Oh. I'm sure you're completely exploiting her too! Ugh. She's of course not a horrible person but three times is just too many... Our nanny would ask if it was ok to take a magazine I'd put in recycling!! That's the type of person you want. Think if you would do this in someone else's house....

J.,

I would first tell her you love her and want to keep her but you have had some things go missing and.....does she have something to tell you? If she fesses then you work things out. If not, then you get a nanny cam and see if it catches her red-handed. If so, confront her with the video and see what she says. So sorry!

One other thing, did you go through a nanny agency? If so, they could talk to her and make sure there isn't any miscommunication.

I recently had to fire my nanny for my 4 year old. This was a difficult decision. Many factors went through my mind. 1 My son has been through so many different caregivers in the past 2 years, I was sad for him. But, in the long run I know my decision was a good one. He is in a home daycare with just a few kids his age and he is happy. School has not noticed any bad repercussions from this change. And for us, his care is cheaper (Cheaper is not always better, however if you have the right people caring for your kids price does not matter).

I do not think I could keep someone stealing like that, watching my child. What lesson is she teaching your daughter? It is okay to take things from work?

You have to make the decision, but I would choose to fire her.

Good Luck!

Are you a doormat or a rug???? LET HER GO!!!!!!!!!!!!! English may not be her first language but STEALING is!!! What will she BORROW next? Your car or your HUBBY! Duh...

Did you thoroughly check her references before hiring her?

Lesson learned....I'm sorry as it's not easy to deal with this in your home where it's important to feel safe and respected. But you have been violated now 3 times. It's a pattern, and it won't stop.

You need to let her go. Your daughter will be fine with someone else. People like this only regret getting caught.

When confronted by an employer most people, especially those with a language barrier, are a little nervous. Are you positive about your assumptions?

If she is stealing small things now I think it will just progress to larger items. I'm not sure I'd be able to get past the stealing, even small items.

M

Police reports?? An apology??? Really ladies?
How about you take it a step at a time J. and start by being able to actually communicate with her. Find someone who can translate and help you get your facts. If you cannot speak to her, or find someone who can translate for you, then she should not be working for you regardless of how good a nanny she may be.
File a police report....for what? You have no proof of her stealing anything. The tupperware scenario, til this day is a mystery right? And all those other things are small, odd things to want to steal.
An apology....How would you get an explanation, much less get an apology from her if you don't understand one another?
Ultimately, if there is a communication problem, you don't understand one another, let her go because regardless of her nanny skills there is too much doubt in your mind now to be comfortable. Start looking for a new Nanny. Check out care.com. Good Luck!

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/kleptomania/DS01034

Get a nanny cam or a computer camera that you can get various camera's all over the house. The video goes to your computer hard drive where it's stored until you delete it.

This way you can catch her in the act and confront her. If she's a thief then she doesn't need to be taking care of your daughter. If she's doing this this openly, knowing you are watching and aware of your items and if they come up missing then she's likely a kleptomaniac and can't help herself.

If she is mentally ill that does not mean she is dangerous or anything but she, by her example, will be teaching your child that stealing is okay.

If she's telling the truth then you will know what actually happened and can apologize accordingly. But I do imagine she is taking them not expecting you to notice.

I didn't read every word of every post so I hope this isn't repeating, but is it possible that she's from a culture or just a family where it might be considered "part of the payment" for an employee to treat certain household items as if they can be taken to her home? I note that the things that are missing are very, very mundane -- a Swiffer, measuring spoons, plasticware. Not jewelry or anything else, right? I am NOT saying let this go because it could escalate IF she is just a thief, but I wonder if she is from someplace, or from a family, where employees might consider these cleaning and cooking items to be something it's fine for them to take home and bring back whenever they like....? In her mind is she just borrowing these mundane things? They aren't things she could sell off for cash. Again -- she should not be doing this at all but it might be a cultural disconnect rather than pure theft.

I think you do need to deal with this. I would sit her down (when the child is napping or otherwise occupied) and tell her that you wanted to ask if she was "borrowing" items like the spoons, plasticware and Swiffer. She needs to know that even though these are very cheap everyday items, in your household they need to stay put.

But I'd still start hunting for another nanny while you still have her around to cover you. The reason is much bigger than these petty thefts:

I would be highly concerned about the fact you and she can't communicate adequately, frankly. What if your child were sick during the day and the nanny couldn't adequately describe the symptoms to you when you got home? Does she read English adequately enough to give your child a dose of medicine if needed? Would she be comfortable calling the pediatrician for advice or taking your child to the emergency room by herself? If she takes your child outside the house to any play groups or the park, I would be uncomfortable with her doing so because how would she communicate with others if your child ran off or got hurt? I would let her go just on that basis. Your child WILL get over the transition; young children adore anyone who is their caregiver, frankly, and it's up to the parents to ensure they get a caregiver who is the best one for that child -- even if it means letting go of a caregiver the child seems to love. The caregiver and the parents need to be able to communicate AND the caregiver has to be able to cope verbally when she is in charge of the child and an emergency happens without the parents available to handle things.

ADDED: I see someone decided it's "obnoxious" to mention that maybe the nanny's English isn't adequate. Well, the original poster wasn't clear that the nanny's English was OK; she only added later that it is. I do know people who hired nannies who were great with the kids but whom the parents said they were concerned about if there was an emergency and the nanny had to call an ambulance or take the child to the ER. I'm glad it's not the case here. But there's no need for other posters to name-call just because some of us dared bring up the idea that a nanny might need to communicate well in an emergency.

The bottom line is that you can't trust her. Why is she stealing inexpensive things? She can get those items at the dollar store. Time to look for a new nanny. I would wonder what she has taken that you haven't noticed...

I would file a police report and fire her. For all you know she may have been fired by the other families because things were missing. She may nor have a police record because no charges were filed but that does not mean she is trustworthy.

If you feel that she's a really great nanny, maybe you can just consider these little things "tips." Your daughter is more important than that stuff.

The only concern is that she might graduate to more important items, such as jewelry or special keepsakes.

Reading the other answers -- yeah, let her go. I would worry that these thefts could lead to more important items or possible mismanagement of your daughter.

I think that I would sit her down and explain to her that I notice EVERYTHING. I know my stuff, and I know when something is missing and will ask about it. If something breaks, I don't care what it is, I want to know about it. Don't accuse her of taking it (in those words), but put her on notice that you see all and will hold her accountable for any changes that you notice around there.

My nanny knows this about me. I notice if something is missing or in a different spot or if something new has been brought in, and I ask about it. I honestly don't know what I'd do, though, if I thought that she was stealing from me. I mean, it does make a difference that she was taking food containers and not jewelry. Something like jewelry and I wouldn't have to think about it. These "small" things, though, are the kinds of things that some people--including adult children and other relatives--think are no big deal. Like the cashier who takes for granted that you won't miss the three cents in change that you're owed, and you have to ask for your change. That makes me crazy, but there are people for whom this does not really register as a violation. Make sure that she is clear on that point and move forward in THAT knowledge.

I think you need to find a new nanny. I know she's great with your baby and housekeeping, but your things should not be disappearing. After catching her at it more than once, she still isn't stopping. She may be a kleptomaniac, and it may be just a matter of time before your jewelry starts disappearing too. It's small, inexpensive items now, but down the line, it may not be. I would put the baby in a daycare center for now, let the nanny go with a week of severance pay and start interviewing new nannies. Use an agency.

1. Do you have proof that she stole these items?

2. When you hired her, did you actually call her previous employers? Run a background check?

Hi, I know you've received a ton of responses and I saw you posted again that you're going to give her one last shot, but I'd just like to add: Do you really want someone in your home who is doing this? I mean if she feels comfortable enough to steal on a small, petty level how long do you think it will take for her to become more bold? I would just ask myself if I even want to take the chance of it escalating and I would really tune in to my gut instincts about her behavior and how that could affect my family. At any rate, since you're sticking with her for now, I hope she got the message when you spoke to her. Good luck!

I would let her go if you are sure she is taking small items vs your daughter playing "hide the spoons". It would plague me to wonder what corners was she cutting with my child's care, even if my small child likes her. Frankly, small children bond to people easily and I think you will find that she will adjust to a new caregiver.

If you do fire her, I would try to find someone who speaks her language to write up the notice for her so she's not struggling with English. Give her a copy in English and her language so it's clear to both her and anyone reading it.

When you bring someone into your home, you trust them....or you can't keep them. Our housekeeper has been with us for years. The au pair lasted maybe 4 months. We realized that "parents yelling at me" in the school parking lot was "she's not doing anything but walking with SD and the parents are yelling because they almost ran over your child." IMO, little things can be the tip of the iceberg.

Even if the items are small, she took them without asking. I would not feel comfortable with someone who did that. I would sit down with her and tell her that nothing is to be removed from the house, whether big or small. You could let her know that if she needs to borrow something, she needs to ask and get approval before taking it.

I would start looking for another person in case this turns into a big deal.