11 answers

Names for Me Being a Stepmom

My question is how do i handle what my two stepkids call me? My stepdaughter ashley who is 13 will call me her #2 mom but usually calls me by my first name. On the other hand my stepson who is 4 calls me just mommie. He had been calling me B short for B. but then he changed it to mommie. He calls his real mom, momma half of the time but then will tell her that she isnt momma but judy. We have tried to correct him but he argues it all of the time and most of the time i let it go cause i dont feel like arguing. judy feels like it is my fault. I dont know what to do. Should i continue to argue with him or just let him call me what he feels comfortable calling me. I am with him 85% of the time and am his primary caregiver since he basically only sees his mom at night right b4 he goes to bed and right as he gets up in the morning.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

I have grown-up with my mom and my step-father, my dad has really never been apart. As I was growing up I called my step-father, by his first name and always introduced him as my step-father, Ted. As I got older I started calling him dad. I think that it should be up to the child as to what he/she feels comfortable doing. Good luck!

More Answers

Hi B.,
I have some friends that use the terms momma and other mother! I thought that was a very fair way to do the names,because both of you probably fit the bill for being their moms. I hope this helps!


We have a very blended family and like you my step daughter lives with us most of the time and I'm the one home with her, she calls me by my name when she talks to me or asks for something but when i pick ehr up from the bus and kids ask if i'm mom she just tells them i'm her other mom, even that upsets her mom but it is what she decided to call me and i'm not going to change it, it isn't my place, i'm not a big fan of lableing family members anyways, and try to avoid the half brother or step sister stuff. the big issue you aref acing isn't what the children call you but the fact that thier mother is insecure about her role in thier lives. we have had the talk with the kdis that they have one mommy and one daddy and then several other ppl that love them just as much and they can call them what they want and they do, my oldest actually calls his step mom mom but only when talking about her to me, lol. it's a kid thing but it doesn't change the fact that they know who mommy and daddy are. She'll get over the jealousy sooner or later and if she doesn't that is her problem i would let it go if i were you even at 4 it's a choice he is making and it's his to make. the older he gets the more he will understand and he might stop doing it good luck

Hi B.,
I haven't been down this road, but my brother and his wife are going through this right now with my niece. She calls both her stepmom and her real mom Mommy. The real mom get upset and tells my niece that she needs to call my sister-in-law stepmommy Tricia. Well this just confuses my niece and she doesn't understand. Well a few weeks ago the real mom and her husband sat down and talked to my niece and found out that all of this is VERY confuseing for my niece and have let it go. Maybe you need to sit down with the real mother and the little boy and talk to him and see if that is the case and maybe she'll see that he is just confused and she'll just let it go. Hope things get better and my advice helps. GOOD LUCK!!

Here's what we do(my husband is my son's step dad)

I told David he has 1 and only 1 dad(my ex)Kevin is his step father and if doesn't want to call him dad than that's fine.David calls Kevin by his name but will introduce him as his step-dad Kevin.
Just like now my ex husband is getting remarried he told her that she'll never be his mom because he has only 1 mom,she will be his step-parent and he won't call her mom....

Now in your case i would say don't fight it.I say talk to his mom(Judy)about it.Say that you never pushed it but this is what your son has picked to call you and he knows that you are his mommy but if he wants to call me(fill in the blank)than that's fine but i'll reassure him that you are his mom

Sorry no real help

Having been a stepmother for 13+ years, the children should call you by your first name and call their mom...mom. This keeps everything straight, and doesn't confuse anyone. Now, if they should "want" to call you mom, then that is up to them. Telling them that shows them that they are not forced to call you mom, but they can if they want.

My stepkids called me Mom once, then their real mother threw an unreasonable fit, going so far as to tell them a stepmom can't love them as much as a real mom does, and that stepmoms buy nice, new things for their real kids and give old, crappy stuff to the stepkids. It's just not worth it to try and fight with a parent who feels threatened by another person loving 'thier' kids. The kids were confused and torn between two people they loved, I told them to call me what they want, and now they use my first name.

I am not sure what ITP is, but I will tell you that I have 2 teenage step daughters, I have been married to their dad for 10 yrs. My husband and I let them decide. They call me mom. It is important for them call you what they want. Don't let the mom upset you by blaming you, it should be whatever the kids are comfortable with. Having step children is very hard, just let the children be comfortable with their decisio, it is not wrth the headache of arguing with the little boy.
Good Luck!

I think you should let him call you what he likes! If you and his mother have calmly explained to him that you are not his mother and he still wants to call you mommy then let it go he's 4!!! If the mom doesn't like it then she should try to be a bigger inflounce as mom. He's only calling it like it is kids don't know any better! I had a step dad and step mother. I was forced to call my s.dad Dad and was never allowed to call my s.mother anything but her name. I hated mys.dad and hated him even more for forcing me to call him dad when he wasn't. I was hurt that my s.mom didn't want me to acknowledge her as a parent. So it's a fine line I say let it go he's young still. Maybe meet in the middle, if it is really going to bother the harmony of relationships then maybe have him call you Nanny B. Good Luck, M.

Just let him call you what he wants. it's more of a comfortability factor with him - not with you or his mother. We recently just told my 4 year old son that he "has two daddys". His real father wasn't in his life for a long time and then last year decided that he wanted to play the role. We gave him the option of what he wanted to call my ex - Daddy, Daddy JR, or just JR. He called him Daddy JR when he was in town, but now it's back to being JR. You just have to give your stepson that leeway. And his real mother needs to understand and give him that leeway too.

From what I've read you've already been given good consistent advice from the other moms. I am in much agreement with Kari N that Judy is insecure about the role she currently plays in her childrens' lives but THAT's her problem not yours. I personally, rejected being called Stepmom because of growing up reading fairy tale stereo types. My husband and I are addressed by our first names by our stepchildren. It's what the kids were use to because of 4 years of him pursuing me before I agreed to be his bride. They are comfortable with it but most important we respect each others choices. If you don't have a problem being called B.,mommie,or stepmom it's between you and the children not her. Your husband needs to have a conversation with her on whats best for the harmonious upbringing of these little blessings. They've gone through enough because being part of 2 households was not their choice or in their power of decision. The last thing they need is to feel like they have to do minial things for what should be their parents UNCONDITIONAL love and affection. I've high hopes that Judy loves her children so much that she only wants the best for her children. Plus perhaps given you being primary care giver, is just a wee bit jealous of the time you get to have that she doesn't with them. So stand your ground but be compassionate that in time she'll let this little thing go.

I have grown-up with my mom and my step-father, my dad has really never been apart. As I was growing up I called my step-father, by his first name and always introduced him as my step-father, Ted. As I got older I started calling him dad. I think that it should be up to the child as to what he/she feels comfortable doing. Good luck!

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