Name Calling - San Antonio,TX

You've had some good responses. Let me add a moment I witnessed twenty years ago, long before I had children.

I was standing in line behind a mom and her daughter in the grocery store. The girl was being very whiny. The mom was unloading her groceries onto the belt with much patience, but I could tell her she was feeling the stress. Then the girl called her mom "stupid" and I froze, totally into their conversation, wanting to see how this poor mom was going to handle it. The mom nodded, took a breath, and said to her daughter, "you can call me all the names you want ... but you can't call me a banana".

The little girl's eyes became confused. I could tell what was going on in her head; "what the heck is Mommy talking about??" But then the little girl's eyes twinkled and she smiled a wry smile. She pointed a little finger at her mom. "You're a banana" The mom feigned sore feelings, "Nooooo don't call me that!" "Yes, you are! You're a banana!" "Nooooo, I'm not" and they left giggling.

I couldn't believe my eyes. It was the most amazing thing I've witnessed. Now, your son is probably a bit older than the girl was and it may need a bit of tweaking, but I think it could work for you too. Acting as if the name calling is not phasing you, and injecting some humor to it would completely take him off guard and could possibly lead you to really talking. If you are really taking his insults to heart, you need to stop doing that. It's giving him too much power over you. Besides, you know he doesn't think you are stupid and you know he loves you.

Good luck.

Forget discipline. Teach him self expression instead. Make him think. Make him learn to verbalize his feelings. Give him communication skills.

Tell him, find a better word. Tell him I don't think stupid is what you mean. Ask him why would you say that? What makes you say that?

Clearly he is trying to relay what he's feeling and is unable to find the correct wording.

Least that's what worked for me.

:)

Whew. You need to put on the brakes, mom. The selective mutism throws up all kinds of flags here. You are going to have more problems on your hands as he gets older if YOU don't change your MO.

Notice I said that YOU need to change. You have this child under a tremendous amount of pressure. Ease up. Instead of thinking about correcting him, remove him from the scene. Walk out of the store. Leave your stuff. Take him home. Tell him once you are in the car that he knows his behavior was inappropriate and he needs to think about it in his room. Take him to his room and have him stay in there for a half hour.

You have not detailed what his bad behavior is. However, if you harp on every single infraction, you are just asking for meltdowns from him.

Pick your battles. Decide what behavior that you can ignore, and I really mean ignore. Is he whining? Just say to him ONCE "I can't understand you when you whine" and turn away from him and ignore him. As soon as he engages you with a normal voice, then magically "turn on" and address him. Is he demanding something "now" and you want him to ask instead of demand? Say to him "How do you ask?" If he won't ask, ignore until he says "Mommy, would you please..." Don't get into an argument with him. Say it once, then turn away and ignore until you get the proper response. If he throws toys, calmly walk over and pick them up and remove them from the room where he does not know where they are. When he demands the toy, tell him that the toy is in timeout because he was angrily throwing toys and that isn't allowed. Then walk AWAY. Keep the toy for a week.

When he calls you stupid mommy, IGNORE him. You have already given him a consequence for his actions. Don't escalate. He is trying to see if he can get you to give in and reverse your action. Then you fight with him more and he just gets more frustrated. This is hurting his ability to work through his emotions and will just make the selective mutism harder to deal with at school. You have said that he has anxiety issues as well. Can you not see that the arguments you have with him make his anxiety worse? Stop doing it.

He knows what he is doing is wrong. Don't fight and argue about it. Tell him what you expect one time. Stop stressing over him saying he'll never do it again and then he does it again. He's SIX. Kids do the wrong things again and again until they internalize that it doesn't get them what they want.

The more negative attention you give him, the more it fuels the fire for him to make bad decisions. Stop doing it. When he is more calm, he'll be able to think better and start behaving better.

Good luck,
Dawn

First, Charlie Brown? You are blaming this on Charlie Brown?!

If he has the issues you describe perhaps it is an issue of choice of words and not the actual meaning. Sort of like when a child yells I hate you! They don't actually hate you, they hate what you are doing and how it makes you feel.

He doesn't think you are stupid, what to him is stupid is that it keeps happening but he does not know how to stop it. So work with him, listen to him, and together you can solve this.

I think you and he get caught up in a negative feedback loop sometimes.
When you feel that he and/or you are escalating out of control - everyone gets a time out - a break, a breather, a moment to calm down, count to ten, have a cup of coffee (or what ever relaxes you), etc.
When a kid feels angry, they don't always know how to communicate it.
So they let you know they are mad by doing/saying things to make YOU mad.
There - now YOU know how I FEEL!
This is little kid logic.

You have to realize what is happening.
"Stupid Mommy" is not what you think it is - so don't let it trigger you.
Let it slide off you and approach it sideways.
"I guess you are feeling pretty angry right now. Because you're not allowed to <fill in what ever it is>. I'm sorry you feel angry. But I can't let you hurt yourself. That's what a good Mom does. You don't have to like it. A trip to the emergency room ruins everyone's day." etc and so forth.

In a calm moment later on, tell him that you don't call HIM names that hurt his feelings.
So you would like it if he would not call you names that hurt YOUR feelings.
It will pass sooner or later as he learns better communication techniques.

Even now (my son's 14), I tell him "I always love you. I don't always love some of your choices.".
And he says the same thing to me every once in awhile.

I think all kids have a negative response to being punished/disciplined....yours is currently choosing to call you names. He wants you to feel as bad as he does, so he pushes your buttons. You'll have to stop getting upset by his behavior and correct him without reacting (well, as much as possible. We can't always be perfect!).

For some behavior, you still have to treat the kids as you would a smaller child. At the grocery store, I would have immediately left the store and not let that behavior escalate. Perhaps he knew that you would not be as harsh in a public place and he was testing your limits.

When you're both calm, you can start by talking to him about how name calling isn't nice and how there are other words/ways to express anger, hurt, frustration, etc. and that he can verbally express anger without name calling. Tell him it's ok to be mad/frustrated, but he has to choose how and where he expresses it. Help him find other words to use.

And remember that people do react in anger...even as adults :) He'll probably have times where you calls you names again...he's not perfect either.

Kids that young have a hard time expressing his emotions. While stupid is not the most appropriate word maybe try helping him express his anger etc in other ways. Tell him I know your upset and angry with the punishment or whatever but calling people names are not the right way. Put hiim in time out and say take a time out and think of a nicer way of expressing your anger.

UGH! my 5 yo does this too - especially when he is tired or hungry. I have had to step back and keep my emotions in check. Am I frustrated because he embarassed me, because it is not our house rules, etc. BUT the reality is he is expressing his frustration in the situation the only way he knows how to get your reaction. Yes, I take the bait myself sometimes, but when I am having a good parent day, I simply look at my child and let them know that I don't understand that word as I am not stupid nor do I lack intellegence (yes, use big words. It throws them off their game!)
then I ask him what he means by "stupid" "Are you frustrated or mad because of the punishment? Hmm. Ok if you don't like the punishment, then you should have made a different choice. who chose to run in the store? did I tell you to do it? No - you made that choice."

You get the gist. I think the most important thing for me is to not give him the satisfaction of getting angry or getting a rise out of me. I'd encourage you to strive for the same thing. Help give him the words he needs and not satisfaction of you getting hurt or upset.

I would say this is what kids do, they are meant to grow and become independent of us and when they want that independence it shows up in strange ways. He is still your sweet boy - even when using the "s" word ;)
Best of luck! Hope this helped a bit.

I'm not a trained counselor but fwiw, I think he is projecting. He is frustrated with himself and really feels stupid. You need advice from a counselor on building his self esteem and then conquering his acting out.

Most kids do have reckless outbursts some time. Most moms have reckless responses some times. Consider this a learning period not a failure for either of you. Get help by asking the school counselor or a counselor that he goes to for the selective mutism.

Btw, one of my son's friends had selective mutism till about 4 th grade he would not talk to any adult other than his mom or dad. He is a great kid. There are other questions about this condition on here. You can do a search for them and they might help.

We were watching Charlie Brown's Christmas over the holidays. I was shocked by the name-calling and nastiness in it, and the unkind kids never apologize to Charlie Brown for repeatedly calling him stupid, a block-head, an idiot, and unable to do anything right. My son is only 3, but I decided it was inappropriate viewing and turned it off.

My kids are too young for me to presume to give discipline advice for a much older child in this case, but I wanted to come out and say I get the Charlie Brown reference. I had very fond memories of the Peanuts cartoons, so I was really surprised by all the negative behavior modelling. I guess I see things differently now that I'm a parent. ^_~

Stay calm, remind him we don't call each other stupid, and show him how to express himself in a more appropriate manner. You are his mother not his drill sargent, and these lessons take TIME, learning how to be a mature and respectful person is a process. With his anxiety and mutism issues I would think he especially needs a lot of help and patience, not parental frustration, punishment and anger.
And PLEASE do not blame Charlie Brown, or any other TV show. My kids watched The Simpsons practically from birth and they didn't walk around saying "you suck" or "bite me" or any of the other of hundreds of inappropriate (funny) catchphrases from that show.

Tell your husband that you need him to set your son straight. He is the one that needs to teach your son that he will NEVER speak to his momma or any woman like that EVER. He needs to teach your son what it means to be a real man - and it needs to be presented to him like that. This should be an ongoing conversation that your husband has with your son(s). For some reason, this isn't happening as much any more and boys are becoming so disrespectful to female teachers, classmates, and especially their mommas.

Stay calm. Validate his feelings. Say something like " Ouch! That hurts. Wow, you must be really upset with me right now. We don't call anyone hurtful names. If you are angry with me, thats ok~ But you can't call me names. " Then let him process that a little. After a few minutes come back to him and ask him if he would like to talk about his feelings or has anything to say.

Sometimes just validating--wow, you look really upset, you are angry with Mama etc. helps diffuse the angry feeling and they realize that you do understand and you are trying to help.

Keep consistent with telling him its not ok.

you are a counselor, look a little deeper at his name calling. Why is he doing it? He's mad and hurt of course. It's his way of asserting himself in the face of being put down or corrected which by it's very nature is frustrating and humiliating. We as humans want our freedom to choose so badly we fight wars over independence, and you think your son is going to willingly accept correction and defeat without blinking an eye? Would you??? So instead of attacking the name calling and taking it as a personal affront, dig a little deeper, validate his feelings even in the midst of correction (" you are super mad right now at mommy aren't you? we don't show our mad by calling names, but you can get all your mad out on this piece of paper, or kicking his pillow, whatever) don't shame him for having feelings.

As a teacher and the mother of three grown kids I have seen this so much and there is even studies in research that boys with mothers that are not strong with discipline and do not let the father discipline end up in the court systems with truancy and other issues by jr. high.
I like you, had read all the psychology books and was afraid to damage their self esteem and what they are crying out for with every pore of their bodies is a boundary. I usually do not like James Dobson but he was right on this. Strong willed kids need to be spanked. It only takes once or twice I am not talking about more than that, but it sets that boundary. My two girls did not need to be spanked but my son did. He would not listen to any other boundary and kept pushing. I had to do tremendous soul searching and decide if I was going to do what that child needed to save his life or stick to my ideology of being the always kind rational person. I finally had to draw the line and say I love you and I will not let you act this way. The loving, rational thing for him was to let him know in no uncertain terms that you will listen and respond respectfully or you will be spanked and sit in time out. I did it before he went to school and we never had problems and he is now 26 and a great loving wonderful person, but so many of his friends with "soft" mothers did not make it. Once he knew I meant it then he never pushed again. He was so much calmer. I also had to let his father discipline him too and have an undivided front.
If he is that angry and manipulative at 7 just wait for 13.
If he can talk, which he obviously can because he verbally abuses you, then he should be talking to his teachers. He is manipulating and controlling and is miserable because he is not getting an attitude adjustment. Anxiety also comes from knowing that the parent is not in control and can be manipulated.
I know that you are probably entrenched in your beliefs and think it is "awful" to use corporal punishment, but I am telling you that certain children need it or they never get the message that you mean business.
Kids with clear expectations and clear consequences are the happiest, most well adjusted kids. Kids with wimpy mothers who have read too much psychology grow up to be miserable and manipulative and have few friends.