My Toddler Refuses Food - and Throws Tantrums! Help!

Does she nap? At this age, twice a day typically.

In addition to the previous responders, tired kids/babies get fussy... then they can't eat and get fussy at meal time... then it all just is a vicious cycle. Then by the time they are having a screaming melt-down it is too late and they are just frustrated already.
You cannot 'reason' with a kid/baby when they are in the midst of a tantrum. Let her deflate.... on her own.... and then, continue on.

Start teaching her the NAMES for feelings/emotions already. IN TIME, not now, she will then learn how to say what she is feeling... and this helps overall, with 'emotional' development and being coherent about it.
Emotions as this age, is NOT even fully developed yet.
And they can't communicate articulately yet.

I think you are lucky that she will eat 4 different things at 16 months! This is the barometer I use: my nephew ate almost nothing for the first 5 years of his life. When we visited them, he would drink, I kid you not, 10 cups of soymilk a day (plus a vitamin). He's fine (although a very picky eater still at age 7, which I wouldn't like). Another child I used to babysit ate peanut butter on raisin bread for lunch for a YEAR! Every day. And fishsticks and applesauce for dinner. For a YEAR! If she likes blueberries, maybe you can get her to eat some other fruit by cutting it up into the same basic shape. But I do think her diet is fine for her age, as long as she is drinking milk/toddler formula and taking a vitamin. (my son is 3, by the way, and is a picky eater, too).

Good luck!
B.

Why do you say that she is too young to reason with? Do you think there is some magical day when suddenly the switch is thrown and she can be reasoned with?? Start talking to her now about why you need to be doing the things that you are trying to do. But acknowledge her feelings too!! "Honey I know you want to play right now, and we will in just a few minutes, I need to get your diaper changed so you don't get a nasty old diaper rash!! Play with this dolly and we will see if I can get your diaper changed before we can going to 50!!!" "OK, now I am going to give you your toothbrush and I would like to see if you can brush your teeth better than Momma can brush HER teeth!!! Let's have a contest". I have a precious 28 month old grandson whom I can honestly say rarely has a tantrum because his parents listen to him, acknowledge his frustrations and feelings and they try and work out a solution together, just like you would with anyone else. As to the food, believe me she will NOT starve herself to death!!! You might try letting her help you prepare the food, let her help set the table ( don't expect perfection, if all of the forks end up at one place, so be it, you can sort it out later) Even one her age can help you stir things, can help tear up the lettuce for a salad, can pour ingredients from the measuring cups and spoons into the mixing bowls. Let her have a little ownership in the meal preparation. Then, let her eat what she wants, without any comments or fights, and when she is done let her get down from the table and move on. This is a battle you are NOT going to win and she knows it!!! You can't exactly force food down her throat and hold her nose until she swallows!!! Offer healthy snacks, toddlers at this age often do better if you allow them to "graze"....just eat whenever the mood strikes them. It helps keep their blood sugar at a more even level and helps them avoid melt downs. She likes yogurt....try yogurt smoothies...you can sneak all sorts of things in them!!! Try raw veggies and a yogurt dip, raw fruit slices with the same type of yogurt dip. Just don't make it a war...because you WILL lose!!

Ok, I am going to take a totally different approach here. My daughter went through a phase where she would eat pretty much nothing but peanut butter and honey sandwiches. She is still alive, thriving and hasn't been permanently damaged in anyway. We let her eat as many as she wanted and eventually she got sick of them. (She did take vitamines). Chicken (protein) blueberry (fruit) cheerios (grains). Sounds pretty balanced to me!

Tantrums. You cannot punish a child out of reacting to frustration. Take this from the expert here. ;) Babies this age get frustrated when they have to do things they don't want to do. They cannot understand WHY they must have their diaper changed or teeth brushed. They don't WANT to so WHY are you MAKING them?? They are just learning how to communicate, verbally and non-verbally. They are thinking "I am clearly demonstrating that I do NOT want my teeth brushed and yet she is still coming at me with that darn thing! What is going on here?" No, you should not give in but don't waste your time trying to reason with a tantrumming 16 mos. old. You've got to get creative and make it fun. Say "Your turn, then mommy's turn," or let her brush her doll's teeth, or let her brush your teeth and show her how you behave. I do not think that time-outs are the way to win this battle. Instead of allowing her to turn these times into a power struggle, find ways to make them fun so that she WANTS to do them. Anyway, that's my two cents. I'm all about positive praise vs. punishment, especially for silly little battles over things like this. Toddlers have poor impulse control so she is not likely to be able to comprehend the idea of consequences just yet.

Problem 1: Don't serve chicken nuggets, blueberries, yogurts or Cheerios anymore. Our son will skip meals if he doesn't like what we are serving. I did special meals and I have stopped doing that now. The only time our kids get special meals if it is spicy.

Problem 2: She is old enough for time outs! Stick her in her crib with the lights on so she knows it's not bed/nap time. She gets a few minutes, you tell her why you put her there and get back to business. You will have about a week of her pushing it, but after that - if you are consistent - you can get her to stop trying to control everything. Choices are nice too, so make sure that she is getting choice A and choice B... if that still sets her off, then she goes for a time out.

Good luck :)

Try to remain calm during her flare-ups. Stick to your guns do not give in but try not to react to her. When she is brushing her teeth and freaking out, do not speak to her just take the brush and do it for her. She will learn that you are not going to give in and eventually she will realize screaming and yelling will not get her way. As far as eating. Most kids go through a phase where they eat the same thing over and over again. My theory is as long as they are taking vitamins and are eating it will pass. I do have one suggestion. Try small amounts of something new on her plate with something she does love. She may not freak out as long as she sees something she does love, and who knows if given the choice she may try it. Don't give up but do not make an issue out of food. When she throws food, warn her if she does it again you will take her out of her highchair and follow through. Tell her when she calms down she can go back in and eat. If you put her back and she throws food again take her out and walk away. Children need immediate consequences that is how they learn. She is just testing the waters. One rule I have always lived by is to pick my battles and the ones I pick I make sure I win LOL!!! Certain things are not negotiable and others are just not such a big deal. Good luck!!

Updated

Try to remain calm during her flare-ups. Stick to your guns do not give in but try not to react to her. When she is brushing her teeth and freaking out, do not speak to her just take the brush and do it for her. She will learn that you are not going to give in and eventually she will realize screaming and yelling will not get her way. As far as eating. Most kids go through a phase where they eat the same thing over and over again. My theory is as long as they are taking vitamins and are eating it will pass. I do have one suggestion. Try small amounts of something new on her plate with something she does love. She may not freak out as long as she sees something she does love, and who knows if given the choice she may try it. Don't give up but do not make an issue out of food. When she throws food, warn her if she does it again you will take her out of her highchair and follow through. Tell her when she calms down she can go back in and eat. If you put her back and she throws food again take her out and walk away. Children need immediate consequences that is how they learn. She is just testing the waters. One rule I have always lived by is to pick my battles and the ones I pick I make sure I win LOL!!! Certain things are not negotiable and others are just not such a big deal. Good luck!!

It will be MANY, MANY years before you can reason with your children. She is at a great age to start a time-out or cool down or quiet time. One minute...One and a half....tops. After, get on her level, look her in the eye and give an explanation by a hug. Keep the language simple..."no hitting" "no biting" etc. Now that my daughter is three, I make her tell me why she was put in time out before the hugs and kisses.

A great way to deal with tantrums at this age is to head them off by giving her choices. Do you want to brush your teeth or get on your pajamas first? Do you want this diaper or this one? It doesn't matter so much that they are the EXACT same diaper...they just like to feel some control. Red shirt, green shirt. It takes a little practice but after a week or so, it will become very natural for you to automatically offer a choice. It doesn't work for every situation...and sometimes a choice doesn't exist...but it certainly can help with the gazillion thinkgs a day that irritate a toddler.

As for the food, my daughter has always mostly eaten what I eat. She was easily two before she had anything resembling a chicken nugget. I was pretty easy-going about food and let her have whatever she wanted...BUT I only had healthy choices in the house. If she wanted to eat yogurt (no HFCS) three times a day, she got it. That is a real-life example...she ate Greek yogurt all day every day for weeks. Any time she gets on one of these jags, I find it best not to fight it. It will pass.

I suggest you try some choice with food as well and be casual about other foods. Just make sure you can offer her choices that support her overall nutrition over time.

I got the best advice from my pediatrician...don't worry so much what she eats in short period of 1-2-3 days...but what is she getting over a week or month. If you can balance intake over time and introduce new flavors, you'll be ahead in the long run.

TOTALLY normal! 15-16 months is a popular time to become food-throwers.
Offer her a food, if she has a tantrum and wont eat it, try again in a couple weeks when she's forgotten about it. If she throws her food, make her help pick it up and then end the meal. My son was like that from 15 months until about 22 months. At that point, he started eating better again. He still throws food once in a while [2.5 years old now], but I realized after a while that the reason he does it is because he is not hungry... and sitting there, he gets bored, and it's a way to get attention as well. Anyway, just remember, she is not going to starve. If she was truly hungry, she wouldn't be throwing her food.
As for the tantrums, they are also totally normal. I don't think she is too young for a one-minute time out. As long as you are ALWAYS consistent with them, she will get the idea that "When I do this, I am isolated from mommy, which is the last thing I want." That is a hard age, because they have absolutely no control over their impulses and can't fathom why they can't get what they want, right NOW!
Just hang in there, it gets easier. Always try to picture the long run. What do you want to teach her as she grows up? What is acceptable and what is unacceptable, and how can you go about instilling those things in her?

Learn to choose your battles. At 16 months, she does not have all the communication skills to use nice words and be calm. At this stage she is learning how to communicate, what will work, what can she do to get what she is trying to ask for? Offer her a mixed plate with something that you know she will eat and things you would like her to try and just let her decide. I know it is tough!!! I would try label the things she is doing..Oh, you don't like the carrot, Mommy loves carrots. Those kinds of things. Be the example and show her that you love those things. She is learning that she can do things for herself and needs to learn those skills. Brushing teeth is hard for most kids. If she does not want to brush at that time, then play for a few monments and she her how you use your toothbrush! Playing is a major way children learn!!! Hope this will help you!

Dear Eleanor, Mnay children go through this stage. Welcome to the beginnings of the Terrible two's. Your little girl is showing her independence. Her chioces are not so bad. At this time let her eat these things, the time will come when she will eat more variety. My friends daughter only wanted cheese, sliced peaches and bacon. Dr. said ok give her that. She will not starve. The tantrums are also part of the same stage. I have found the only way is to get down to the child's level and remind him/her that this behavior is not acceptable. You can say"I can't hear you when you are acting this way". Stay strong, be consistant, don't give in! It is not easy but you will survive as we all did. Much love and patience, Grandma Mary (mom of 5 and 3 grands)

She is definitely not too young for a time out. Put her somewhere safe but not fun for 1 min 1.5 at the most. Partly you will be teaching her about time outs for when she is older and really needs one. At about 13 months I would put my DD in the high chair and face it to the wall for one min. No talking to her. Try a sticker chart for the diaper changes????
I would not worry too much about the food. Keep giving her the things she likes along with other things she doesn't and maybe she will surprise you. I know it is a pain to pick it up off the floor but eventually she will eat something else. Also be sure to give her drinks after the food not before otherwise she will get full. I don't think you can really get her to stop throwing food but maybe you can redirect her attention or give her a choice of "yucky" food to have on her tray. Her diet does actually sound pretty well balanced if you look at it long term. I know a little boy who will only eat applesauce for the last 6 months. He is healthy and fine.
Hang in there...
R

My daughter is still going through the "that's yucky" phase with food. She also has a list of favorite foods that she does not want to deter from. I tell her that's all she's getting and if she wanted something separate from what everyone else is having, she'd better leave me a big tip. (She's almost 4) I made the mistake of giving her what she wanted early on. Her doctor said to give her what she wants because that's "what" her body needs, but I don't think eating cheese sandwiches and chips every day is helping her BMs...lol. Her brother was the same way. He would only want corn for a week and the next week he only wanted tuna straight from the can.

As far as the issue with throwing fits goes, mine also did the same thing at that age. The Doctor and behavior specialist told me it was a control issue. They told me to try to be as calm as possible when she started and keep saying "good girl, I'm not done yet. Okay, Momma's done, good girl" when changing her diaper. It relaxed her hearing my calm tone and she calmed down after 4 days.

I haven't read the other response yet, but I imagine someone has said it. She is not too little for time outs. She is 16 months old and sounds like ahead of the curve for behavior so she probably is ready for time outs. 1 minute in a special un-fun time out place is all she needs. Don't yell, just be stubborn. she ought to be disciplined everytime. For example, everytime my son throws a toy we count one. if he does it again, I count 2 and if he does it a third time, count three-timeout! You don't have to yell or lose your cool, in fact it defeats the purpose. If you stay quiet, the child takes the punishment way more seriously. She is one year old, so she gets one minute in time out. Get the book 1-2-3 Magic, it really works and I like that it puts the oneness on the child, not you. Now the book is for kids 2 and up, so not everything will be applicable right now. But you can start laying the ground work now.

As far as the food, it is a tough road. I have a very picky eater too and we go through waves of good behavior and bad behavior. She has a certain amount of contol over what she does in the food department. We try bribery, if you eat 2 bites of your veggie we will give you more pasta. so at least he gets in the habit of both eating what we want and getting what he wants. And my son is well within a healthy weight. There are no sweets and no junk if food is not eaten. And if he chooses to go to bed hungry then that is his choice. It doesn't always work, but things have gotten better. The food throwing we counted like a behavior issue and sent him to time out. Needless to say we have had alot of unpleasant meals. But things do get better naturally in time too if you just keep at it.

make sure you aren't giving her too much milk. a child over a year should only have 24 oz. of milk a day. at her age redirection can work. or change her on the floor, get her a fun toothbrush. it is best to attempt to to ignore the tantrums and redirect. the bigger deal you make, she is probably smart and will know that that will work for you.

My son is 17 months and I was having a lot of trouble getting him to eat anything until a few weeks ago. I would serve him a million things at meals hoping he'd eat one of them because I wanted to make sure he gained weight (he's below the 5th percentile). I knew this was wrong as my other son only got what we were eating and that was it but with this one being underweight i worried. I asked the Dr. at 16 months what to do and he said to put a few items of food on his plate that you are already making and that's it. No separate cooking. If he doesn't eat it offer again before bed and then that's it. No giving him milk if he wakes up at night etc.

I was really worried about doing this (i'm not good if he would wake up to cry), but you know. it worked. I think sometimes he drank too much milk or water before the meal and he wasn't hungry.

Now i give him what we are eating and if he starts throwing it i remove the tray and ask if he is done. he usually shakes his head yes. then i offer him fruit and that's it. and you know, if he didn't eat a lot, he is hungry for breakfast and eats whatever i give him. it's made it a lot easier.

good luck

Some refusing to eat is normal but this seems extreme. If you are serious then this is a time for medical intervention. I say call the MD and say that your dd is refusing to eat. When MD says picky eater say no she will not eat. Sometimes it is medical, so if you have not already done so be sure to mention your medical symptom.
In the meantime are you feeding her or expecting her to feed herself? I know that young moms seem to think that young babies can feed themselves and they can, but not their whole diet. Since I am now a grandma, I remember playing games with our children to get them to eat. Most would not eat at mealtime so I fed them before and let them pick during dinner. Most of mine liked the one on one time of being fed in that quietness.
It is difficult to feed a child who won't eat but early diagnosis helps and saves alot of trouble if that continues.

My 17 month old is a food thrower ("throw" was actually one of her first words!) If we are at the table and she starts throwing things before the meal is over I take her tray away for 1 minute and leave her sitting in the highchair then she gets it back if she still wants to eat. I have also taught her the sign for all done (she has only learned a few signs). I ask her if she is done eating and she will sign all done if she is finished then I let her leave the table.

Tantrums are typical at this age. If you can help her label the feeling (frustrated, angry, etc) it can help so she knows you understand. The Happiest Toddler on the Block book has a good chapter on this but I don't recall every detail. If she it totally out of control and in danger of hurting herself or others put her in a safe place like a crib or pack and play until she calms down. My 4 year old is the bigger tantrum thrower in our family and I still have to take or send him to his room if he is having a tantrum.

LOL Your daughter has YOU well trained. She is NOT to little for time outs or consequences if she is able to have a tantrum when SHE doesnt want to do something. Put her in her high chair and give her food, if she throws it on the floor, pick it up and put it in the garbage. Do NOT say anything, totally ignore her and her behavior. When you are done eating take her out of her chair and send her to play. She wont starve. Next meal repeat, she will soon learn that screaming and throwing food will not get her what she wants. Dont worry, she will NOT starve. As for her other tantrums, tell her to stop. If she doesnt put her in her high chair facing a wall and ignore her until she does stop. EVERY time!!!. When she figures out she cant get her own way by screaming she will stop. It will take a few days because she has already learned that screaming is good.