My Three and a Half Year Old

The book mentioned is actually called 1-2-3 Magic and it works like a charm!!

I have 3.5 YO twins and yes the days can get VERY long but I think back to what was hard a year ago and how much I (now) miss that age and it helps me realize that I have to embrace and love even the hard times b/c this age is flying by and pretty soon they'll be in school all day and off w/ friends, etc.

Breathe! Before you think another thought, simply Breathe. It is going to be OK.

Children sense our stress, and often act out based on it. This may sound counter productive, but the next time he acts out, instead of escalating it; ask him if he needs a hug.

In example: Grocery shopping had become a horrid event for me with my son. He went from being wonderful to acting out, and screaming and kicking me...the firmer and more frustrated I got, the worse he got. Finally, I looked at him one day as he was winding up and I asked him if he needed a hug. He looked completely shocked, nodded his head, and I hugged him. He was already so frustrated with the limitations that were set forth, that he had become insecure and was acting out. While he was still not happy with what he needed to do, knowing that I loved him and understood his frustration seemed to make it easier for him to accept what was expected of him.

Another thing that worked for us was sometimes we each needed some space. When things would get really tense or frustrating, I would ask if he needed quiet time or space. This was a moment when we could both retreat and get ahold of our respective emotions and then resume in a calmer state.

Keep in mind the small things. Try not to get wrapped up and battle the small things. If you have other stressors in your life right now, it gets harder to differentiate between the small things and the important things.

Also, remember, you are mom, and mom is a safe person. Our children will often be their worst to mom. :) I guess it is something written in our genetic code ;)

Finally, treat your child in a way you would like to be treated; with respect, compassion, and understanding. Treat yourself with respect compassion and understanding too.

It will be ok. Just Breathe.

I think the threes are far worse than the twos. They aren't really frustrated babies andymore... much more trying to push the envelope and see wha tthey can get away with.

All I can say, is give him tons of responsibility, empower him. Let him dress himself, help make lnch, load the wash machine, whatever! Let him have any choice in the world - when it doesn't matter. This means building more time into your day for certain activites, but that's what it takes.

However, pick your battles. Eating lunch at the table, not running into the street, and going to sleep. Those are things you don't allow fights with. Decide what matters most to you, and be tough. If he cries about going to bet, offer him a choice of jammies. If he still cries, ask him if he wants one more book. But don't llet him stay up. If he still cries, tough!! Give him lots of warnings, show him th eclock, let him know it's coming, but then follow-thru. bed TIME is bed TIME. Close the door and leave and let him cry!! Go back after a few minutes, and say, "Stop crying, you must go to sleep now." Maybe pat his back or kiss him, but don't get rattled and don't stay more than a second. Let him know you acknowledge him, but don't giv ein to his desire to hav eyou come back and play.

It si hard, but consistency is everything.

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Get Jim Fay's books- Parenting with Love and Logic. There is one for toddlers too. They also have classes you can attend. I am a former teacher and have used many strategies with my students and my own children. It gives a lot of great ideas as to how you can maintain control while your son also feels like he has control too. That is really what it is all about-everyone wants to feel like they have control including small children. When that is disrupted we lash out and make the situation worse.
I would start with giving your son choices-two choices that are both ok with you. For example, if bedtime is a struggle give him a ton of choices leading up to bedtime. Do you want to brush your teeth or put on pajamas first? Do you want to read this story or that one? Do you want to wear your dinosaur pajamas or the car pj's? etc. etc. He has to choose one or the other within 10 seconds or you will choose for him. This is called depositing positives into his account, so when you have to make a withdrawal (make the decision) it will be much more likely for him to share the control. When you actually get to putting him to bed, if he doesn't want to do it then simply say, haven't I given you a lot of choices? Now it is mom's turn to make a decision. Always keep your tone of voice neutral because kids will play into an angry tone. Also both choices have to be fair. One choice can't be a punishment (such as do you want to clean your room or be in time out?)
It REALLY works and it is actually fun to give them choices. I have even given my son the simple choice of do you want to sit on my left or right? He was happy making a choice and I got him to sit without having to have a big fight about it. Hope this helps!
A.

I have posted this very same thing recently, and was encouraged to find out that many parents of 3 1/2 year olds are experiencing the exact same thing. And they all say that the 3's are worse than the 2's! With mine, it has gotten somewhat better, and he seems to be reaching a point where I can talk to him and reason with him. It's still hard and we still have a LOT of time outs. He's constantly pushing the limits. All I can say is be consistent with your discipline, even if it seems like it's not working, and eventually he'll get the picture. Hang in there!

p.s. With the fits/tantrums (and we've had a LOT of those too) I tell him he either needs to pull it together or cry in his room because Mommy doesn't want to hear it. If he continues to cry/scream, I lead him by the hand to his bed, leave the room, and close the door. He knows he can come back out when he's done with the tantrum. This at least gives me some time to compose myself!

My friend just gave me a book that she swears by called "3-2-1 Magic" about disciplining. Might be worth looking into. I just started it.

I'm going through the same thing! Mine turns 4 in October and we cherish the days when no tears have been shed. I think there have been 5 in the last 4 months. Add to that a new baby sister and our sweet little boy has become such a frustrating challenge. (I am also educated in teaching & Child care and I keep trying new things. It's a big experiment at this point.) good luck!

It can really help to realize that all behavior, child or adult, is an attempt to meet some need. Your son reacts against something you want him to do because it doesn't meet his percieved need to do something else. You react to his resistance because your needs for an orderly day are going unmet.

How about using a technique that helps him understand and explore his real needs, and come up with strategies of his own that work better? Once he realizes he has other choices that won't get you upset or put him in time out, and other ways of expressing his unhappiness, tiredness or frustration, he'll start making those choices. And all the more, if he gets to help figure out new solutions himself.

There's a brilliant book that I've been using for a couple of years with my grandson (now 4.5), and he's been evolving into to most reasonable and cooperative kids I've ever had the pleasure to meet. And yes, he's a little boy who has his own definite ideas about how he wants his life to run. If we didn't coax better impulses out of him, he'd play until he dropped, live in a heap of toys, and eat nothing but marshmallows.

If this mutually-respectful approach sounds appealing, check out How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I think it will not only help you deal effectively with your son's normal "kid" behavior, but you might communicate better with each other, as well.

The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs, and participate in finding creative solutions. And they teach parents how to establish their own needs and boundaries in a clear, understandable, and respectful way. Much of the book presents situations with good and not-so-good ways of handling them in a clear and easy-to-read cartoon format. Try it; I think you'll like it.

P.-
HI - I have two boys ages 2 & 6. At 3.5 consequences have to be repeated and repeated and repeated. You need to be consistent every time no matter how frustrated you are. My 6yo thinks he is 16. He pushes and pushes every button he can. I can't have any graduated consequences anymore. He usually gets three chances and then he is grounded. Unless he does something very wrong that he KNOWS is wrong from previous errors he has made. I don't listen to whining or crying. If he wants to cry I put him in timeout in his bedroom with his door open so I can see him. From your descriptions it sounds like your son has figured out he can get away with everything he is doing. Just put a stop to your reactions to his behaviors. No need for spankings, just be consistent in your consequences. Even my 2yo understands timeouts. With your background I am sure you know you cannot leave a 3.5 yo in timeout for very long but I have always heard a minute for each year of age. I figured out that for my 6yo being grounded from something is the worst for him. So he gets grounded for an evening from playing with his friends. He has a bad habit of mis-placing the TV remote so I will ground him from even touching the remote for 24 hours. Figure out what consequence is the hardest for your son and then be consistent. Same thing everytime. Tell him you won't listen to crying, put him in his bedroom and then supervise him but ignore him. Once he figures out he can't get his way he will change tactics. Just remember, you are the mom and you are in control of the situation....that is all your child really wants to know! Good luck!
J.

i know how you feel. 3 year olds are very much like this. my son is about the same age as yours. they are just testing the waters trying to figure out how they can make you react and how they can push your buttons.... and sometimes moms reactions can be funny, even if sometimes they are scary too...

the NUMBER ONE thing to remember is to walk away, breathe!!! breathe!!! breathe!!!!

you can think and react better when you breathe! its amazing the difference when i have the chance to breathe. also, kids get scared when they dont really know if mom has it under control. losing control of your emotions is an immature reaction that really is for kids. we all do it, but it really doesnt help kids to know whos the adult and whos in control. they actually learn to control your emotions! throwing a fit doesnt get anyone anywhere, and to teach your child that you have to teach yourself. its hard!!! i know how hard it its!! i hate spanking, but sometimes i feel as if its my last resort you know? but really, if i breathe, if i laugh at a funny situation, if i calmly say "ok honey it looks .like you had fun with that paint, but using paint on the carpet is NOT ok" - its amazing how much more he learns when i use that calm voice.

when we yell, most of the time kids get so scared that they dont hear us anyway.

so just try to remember that. just try to breathe! pick your battles. if he wants to go outside on a cold day with shorts on, let natural consequences lead him to want to go back in and change. you know? think before you react, breathe, and decide if its something worth fighting over. ;)

you are a great mom, i know it because if you werent you wouldnt care that you are having a bad time! we are all weak sometimes, tired, exhausted, frustrated, angry, and very emotional!!! thats what makes us moms i think. we are human. but try to remember. it takes like 30 days for an adult to make a behavior change, so be easy on yourself, but try to remember to breathe. even if you have to stick post-it notes all over your house to remind you. :P

He made need to cut out his naps. My son stopped taking naps around three b/c he wasn't tired at bedtime anymore.

Regarding other behavior, think about how he is changing, his body, his emotions and his capabilities. He is growing and you will need to change some of your behavior, by that I mean approach and expectations, as he grows too. By changing your tone of voice lets him know you mean business and since he hadn't really heard that before now - his reaction is crying. That will change with time. Remember you are guiding him and teaching him. Even though you are a teacher, it is very different when those strategies are being delivered by a parent and to your own child.

My philosophy has always been, when they get out of hand and won't listen anymore, than you ignore them. Put them in a place they can't be harmed or get into anymore trouble and walk away. I tend to lean away from sending them to their room b/c that should be a place they love to be plus that is their own space - I don't think punishment should be tied to that space.

You may need a time out too! When you feel that frustration taking over, excuse yourself from the situation, even if only for a minute or two. Then come back and continue with the redirection.

Patience is definitely a virtue. Consistency is a necessity. You're doing good mom, just keep reminding yourself that all of these phases are temporary.

Multiple timeouts for the same thing is natural. You don't learn something by doing it once. He won't change his behavior until he understands that absolutely every single time he does A, he'll get B. He repeats the crime because he wants to see if you'll give him the same punishment, which apparently you're not. He wants to see if he can "get to" you. If you use timeouts consistently, some days he'll spend more time in the corner than out. That's when he'll learn not to do something. Consistency is always the key. He's turned into a monster and you're yelling and spanking! That means he's winning because he's pushing your buttons and watching the fireworks. Stay calm, be consistent, and alot of this will stop.