My Thirteen Year Old Daughter Behavior Changed Drastically Overnight

J.,

My heart goes out to you. I just got thru the teenage years with two of my kids. It's tough!

Let's take this one step at a time.

Cellphone:
I like the prepaid phone idea. Then she has a "bill" of her own to be responsible for. If you want her to stay on her current plan then I would call your cell company and ask what feature they have for blocking data. Instant messaging uses what's called data transfer which is seperate from your minute usage. This would keep her from getting online with her phone.

Myspace:
I also agree with contacting myspace and telling them to remove the profile. My sister found a myspace page that one of my nieces made. She contacted them and they removed the profile.

Drug Testing:
Do it! She is showing some of the "symptoms" of possible drug use. She's made it so you are going to doubt everything because she chose to lie to you. As was mentioned you can get the drug tests in any drug store now. They are pretty inexpensive too.

Bottom line is nothing should keep you from parenting your child. Including guilt. Parents make tough choices and kids do not always understand or agree which is fine. Their kids! It's our job to raise them to be good adults and if that means doing things that make them mad or think we're unfair then so be it.

My rule was while your in my house your right to privacy was very limited. I always knocked and waited before entering their room but that room was in my house and they knew that if I chose to look around then that was my right. Same thing with the computer. The computer is in a common area so I could pop in at anytime. If I saw something I didn't approve of I let them know. Now did all my "rules" stop all bad behaviour? NO! But it allowed me to get a handle on things.

Good Luck to you!

i remember as a teen i racked up a $400 long distance phone bill and i had to make weekly payments to my parents from my babysitting job to pay it off and had very strict phone rules after. ithink you are doing a great job with your consequences to behavior. i just want to suggest that you may want to look into counseling for your daughter also. i remember doing things as a teen and my parents swore i was on drugs and i can honestly say i wasn't,but i had no explanation for my behavior. looking back i think i should have probably been treated for depression. i did go to counseling as a teen and that helped alot with dealing with issues i had but didn't know how to put it into words or deal with built up resentment, (not knowing my dad, stepfather, moving, ect..)it was nice to have someone to confide in that i felt was on my side. i fought it at first but once the couselor built up report i looked forward to sessions, it was also a useful tool to communicate with my parents on "neutral" territory.
i hope everything works out for you and your daughter.

Oh, J.. 13 is such a tough age to deal w/as a parent AND to deal w/as a teenager. It's also a pretty good bet that puberty isn't helping her situation either.
I'm going to start w/the cellphone situation. First, I had a similar problem w/my son, but it was text messaging w/his friends and g/fs back & forth. I shut that phone off & got my son a prepaid phone. His allowance paid for his minutes and he learned REAL fast not to text (or get texts from) anyone.
Next, the MySpace situation. If you have your daughter's email address & the password she used to even have a MySpace account, you can sign in to her account & cancel it. If you don't have the password, but know the email address she uses, you can contact MySpace Customer Service (directly from the MySpace website) and request that they cancel her account, as she is underage according to MySpace rules & terms, and that she never had your permission to create a MySpace account. <-You have to specify these. They'll have her profile deleted in a matter of hours. I sincerely hope that she has not met (or attempted to meet) anyone she has been in contact w/on IM or MySpace.
Next, the drug testing situation. This topic is touchy for ANY parent. Your daughter's doctor will tell you that there are home test kits available for purchase at most major pharmacy chains (e.g. Walgreens) and you can conduct the drug test in the privacy of your own home. If you are not comfortable w/drug testing your daughter at home, you can contact her doctor's office & find out from them if they can set it up for her upcoming appointment.
The school problems are another situation that can't be ignored, & you know that as well as I do. To your knowledge, is there an on-site counselor at the school she attends that she can talk w/on a regular basis? That might help, having someone to talk to when she needs it. If there isn't, you just might want to consider taking her to a psychologist for counseling. I have a psychologist I see about twice a month out in N. Dartmouth, and that woman is a godsend! You can give her a call & set up an appointment (if you want more information, send me a private message & I'll send it to you).

Wow. You have a lot on your plate! It sounds like you are doing the best you can. I know that when I was that age I wasn't always honest with my parents and I did some pretty stupid stuff, but because I knew they really cared about me and because I knew they would ask questions...I didn't do too many stupid things I know I shouldn't.
As an adult and also a previous highschool art teacher (and in art class you really get to know your students) kids today really push the envelope. Sitting down and talking with her is good, and taking away her privileges is also a good move. But she clearly disobeyed you with the phone usage. Maybe a good talk with her about how this makes you feel as her mom, and the worries you have for her safety and well being and how much you love her will make HER feel guilty. (you shouldn't be the only one with guilt here. you are trying to be a great mom that you are)
Then maybe you should think about taking away and canceling her phone. If she's not using it to call you and for emergencies then she doesn't respect the privilage of having one in the first place. Give her a change purse with quarters or a calling card for emergencies and ALWAYS know where she is and who she's with. (even if she lies, at least you have an answer) That way if she's late or if her story doesn't match up, you can talk to her about it.
Don't give her an allowance. She should earn money by doing chores until she can get a job of her own. Free money doesn't teach you how to respect it.
She will appreciate you in the long run and by senior year her head will be in the right place. You have to hang in there...this is a really rough age where she probably doesn't know who her friends really are from one day to the next and to her...that IS the most important thing. She will grow out of it, just make sure you keep an interest in her and always ask her questions about her and find time to spend alone with her every once in a while for fun for the two of you.
Cherish the times when she lets down her guard and you see the real "her" again...let her know you love that about her.
Chin up...you are doing great.

hi jen

being there and have done it all my self ....i feel like you two need to bulid some trust in each other...set small goals
for her...be home by 6pm or have your chores done by 12 pm on a saturday...before she goes out with her friends....rebellion
is natural...pick your battles... maybe invite the girl over
from my space and build a relationship with her too.. it's always more fun to get a reactions out of a parent then to find a parent that is calm...give her a chance to talk and make it a open forum....i dread the day my daughter becomes that age but open the lines of communication ....i know you are trying, but maybe she doesn't see it that way...

I just wanted to let you know that there is nothing you did wrong. I went through this with my oldest daughter and it really is the teen years. They test their independence. They know other kids with more freedom to do whatever and want that same freedom. I wish they would understand that we are doing this for their best interest but they think they know better. She will always find a way around her punishments no matter how hard you try to stay on top of her. It is only going to stress you out more and may cause further issues later on. I wish there was a simple solution but there really isn't. If you have family members or friends that can watch the other two kids maybe you could try to spend the day with her. Sorry I can't be of too much help but you are not alone.

D.

I feel your pain. i have a daughter who turned 15 last week. I have gone through similar stuff with the sneakiness. I took her computer away for a whole year when she was 13, I have also taken the cell phone, but when i did that she had to go to school, and come home right after. She is now in high school and plays sports every season, so she doesn't really have time to socialize. The last time i had a problem with her friends, i told her that if she couldn't be responsible enough to choose her friends wisely, i would put her in a different school, different environment. I haven't had a problem with her since then. My advice would be to keep her busy with chores, family stuff, etc.
Oh, and welcome to the teenage girl years!!

Girls are tricky. I was one much worse than your daughter at that age, I felt like if I could tell my parents who they could be friends with, then they could tell me, but less that, I was going to do whatever I wanted to do and be friends with whoever I wanted. It was NEVER my friends that made me do things, I only did what I wanted to do, I was strong minded, as I still am.

Now, I think there's something parents forget about when it comes to protecting their child - teach your child to respect themself, to respect their body, and to respect NOT fear you. Your daughter is going to do all the things you don't want her to do and thensome.

Hormonal changes and a new sibling (even before they're born), a large homework load, large class sizes at school where there's a lack of personal attention - like - if you raise your hand in class because you don't understand something and by the time you're called on your question isn't relevant to what the teacher's going over now - or if you don't ask questions because you don't want the other kids to get annoyed because they're past you, if you don't get along well with and have respect for who's teaching you the material, or maybe you're above average in something and you're bored with the material, and having natural human curiousity, is enough to overwhelm your daughter...

And she's so young that she's living moment to moment and doesn't understand that what she does now could effect her future, and even if you tell her all the bad things that could happen, she's not going to take it to heart unless it happens to her or someone she knows. So I would say to do your best to get creative and educate her on everything she may come to face, like if she so desperately wants to use MySpace or AIM - have her write a paper on the pros and cons of teenage use of the internet, then in the conclusion have her argue why she should be able to use it - tell her if she can make a good arguement, maybe you'll let her use these things with some guidelines that don't totally invade her privacy but that let her know you will be keeping an eye on her, have her research sexual predators murders of teens that have occurred from these sites, if you do decide to let her have a myspace page - make her make it private where only people she adds as friends can view her page, tell her she can only have "friends" on her page that she already knows in person, let her know that without notice you're going to ask to see her page to check her friends list and the content of her page, don't pry too much but check her inbox and sent mail to make sure she's not talking to strangers, make sure she's there at the time and handle issues on the spot, etc. teach her to make educated decisions, but let her make choices for herself, if she does something you see as unacceptable, try to be understanding, put yourself where she is and really be careful how you talk to her about your feelings, and if you disagree on something ask her this question "why don't you trust my judgement?" - she could see you in two different ways depending on how you express your concern - a control freak that just doesn't understand her OR an understanding mom who's opinion & feelings she respects & trusts.

And about drugs and alcohol, have you heard of the A&E show Intervention? it's on at 10 on Friday nights, it's pretty graphic, but I think it could be a really good educational tool for both of you, you can see what leads people in and out of drug & alcohol use, and she can see just how easy it is to ruin your life from one bad decision, try engaging her in conversation about what's happening to the people and see how she feels, get her thinking about these things, hopefully she'll see how bad it could get, and that it happens to people from all walks of life, not just to people coming from bad homes, or dumb people, or poor people, etc., and in seeing this it will make her feel sad and scared that this happens to people and not want it to happen to her or anyone she knows, and in seeing that accepting help is never a bad thing - successful or not - she may feel more comfortable coming to you asking for help if she has an issue.

I've "talked you ear off" by now so I'm going to just say - try to be understanding, open-minded, accepting,and educating, and continue giving her your unconditional love, so that you become her rock, her strength and confidant, not her adversary.

Best of luck, hope this will help.

Hi J... I too have a 13 yr old daughter.. Really cannot wait until this "phase" passes. Anyway, the one thing I have learned is that punishment just makes them more mad at us! I absolutely agree with the drug testing. I actually manage a doctors office and many parents do it.. you do not even have to tell her.. You can just tell her its routine blood work if you want. Or, you can tell her the truth and when she freaks out, tell her if she was not so sneaky about everything else, this would not even be a thought in your head! 13 yr old girls are very sneaky.. I actually allowed my daughter to create a myspace BUT then created one for myself and have my children, nieces and my daughters friends on my page so I can monitor without being the bad mom and just not allowing it. It actually worked out very well for me. My daughter helped me set up my page and thinks its pretty cool.. (Believe me, I am not the kind of mother who wants to be cool or be friends with my daughter.. She knows that is not the case.) IF I go on her page and see something I do not like, I tell her to take it off. She begged me for a very long time before I gave in... We had a nice talk before I allowed iy and I told her their would be rules. The other thing I suggest is time for just the two of you.. I take my daughter out at least twice a month for "our" time. We usually get our nails done and go get something to eat. When she is not behaving as I would like, I refuse to let her get that treat and it really upsets her because she likes it so much. I am sure you are very busy with a baby and a 16yr old with down syndrome.. She is probably feeling like she is stuck in the middle and believe me, if you forbid her to do anything, she WILL do it anyway behind your back. IF this behavior continues, I would consider counseling.. It certainly can't hurt! Good luck.

ok first of all. I have to tell you I dont have a daughter but I do have 2 boys (18 &15). The 15 yrs old is the one who has given me the run for my money. There is so much to say on the subjects you mentioned so Iam just gonna bable. First of all. I truly beleive MY SPACE isnt as bad as people make it out to be as long as there is PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT. meaning you get yourself a password and screen name and make her one of your friends and MONITOR everything. make sure she knows you are monitoring. it's like looking over her shoulder. also there is a way to BLCOK out people on her site. If you find she is messing with the wrong people, have her cancel it and make a new screenname and make new friends. this will be a problem for her at first but remember YOU ARE THE PARENT and you have a say, you pay the bill.. even if she goes over a friends house and goes on her MY SPACE you can see she did and punish her acordingly. NOw as far as the cell phone. HONESTLY does she need one?. does she go places off the face of the earth that phones dont excist? my oldest son got a cell phone when he got his liscense, we paid half. thenn when he became an adult and worked more hours he now pays for it. he is responsible for the minutes and text messaging. my youngest wants one but he doesnt NEED it. Forging your name. ok my youngest did this when he was in fourth grade. i was mortified. and i had him write a paper to me explainign how wrong it was to STEAL my identity , which is what he did by signing my name. I laid guilt on him and he never did it again.maybe girls are different i hhonestly dont know but beong a girl myself when ever my mother laid guilt on me, i felt bad. my youngest has been punished more than he hasnt in life. report cards always seem to come out just before vacation and lo and behold there is an F so he gets NO TV, No computer and can go outside from 9-5pm and can't leave the street, has to show me his homework. iwill check withthe teacher in a week or so to make sure his grade is better, if not punishment again for another two weeks and we find out if maybe he needs help in his learning then we take it from there. I guess what I am saying is,. there are things you can do as a parent to stop such behavors and sometimes there are times when you simply cant. jump on the wagon of "saying what you mean and mean what you say" stick to it. Use the guilt card on her, make her feel bad she is doing this to YOU , make it personal maybe she will find her heart and do better. Keep up your good work mum.