My Son Was Asked to Be a Ring Bearer and Wont!

I agree with the advice already given and would like to add one thing. I'm impressed by his level of his self-awareness regarding this decision. He is chosing what is right for him. If bribes and recognition aren't getting him to budge -- you should respect his wishes. Kids need to know that when something is instinctively uncomfortable for them that they have their parents support. Of course kids HAVE to do lots of things they don't want to, but this shouldn't be one of those things. By respecting his wishes he will know that he can trust you to take his interests to heart; and this trust will be very important as he gets older.

3 moms found this helpful

Yeah, I think I would talk to your brother and tell him the situation. If it was my wedding, I think I would just let him out of it, in case he puts up a struggle when it comes time to walk down the aisle. And most likely, he won't be smiling in any of the pics...I would rather he be a happy guest than an unhappy ring bearer

2 moms found this helpful

I would just let him decline. I'm sure your brother will understand. Some children just don't like being in the spotlight.

I would also not bribe him with presents and money! That's not a good habit to get into, and usually doesn't work!

2 moms found this helpful

I might be different than others, but if this were my kid and he didn't want to do it (especially because he was shy) I would not force him to do it. I'm just a big believer in that the wedding day is all about the bride and the groom and although some people find this to be cute, the last thing I'd want my kid to do is be screaming and carrying on at the ceremony because they don't want to be the ring bearer and I didn't respect his wishes. You know he doesn't like it - why would you subject him to this?

2 moms found this helpful

I'd just let him decline because the wedding will be a lot more enjoyable for both of you if you're not worried about a struggle.

1 mom found this helpful

How considerate it is of you to want to honor your son's wishes. A lot of us have an agenda and storm ahead despite our children's strong preferences. Perhaps your brother can express to your son how important it is to him and they can work out something that works for both of them. Kids are very creative and your son may be able to come up with a solution that everyone's happy with...including him. Or he may just not want the attention. If we live by the maxim treat people as you'd like to be treated, then our answer is right there. Honor him.

1 mom found this helpful

Let him say no! Adults are allowed to decline, why not a child who has done it before and it doesn't agree with him.

1 mom found this helpful

Why push him. He is uncomfortable. If a child is pushed by his parents to do something uncomfortable to him he may let strangers do the same.

1 mom found this helpful

He's done it and doesn't like it. At 7, I'd let him make the choice. Heck, my son is almost 4 and if he really didn't want to do it (he's been in two weddings, also) I wouldn't make him do it.

I'm sure your brother would understand. Maybe you can talk to your son and suggest he does something else to help with the wedding. An younug usher, where he hands out the programs with another groomsman or something.

1 mom found this helpful

let him say no....he may later regret NOT having done it when he sees the actual event. this may propel him into doing more in the future and saying yes as often as he can. Worked like this for me...I said no to a reading at Mother's club when I was ten, saw it done by some other girl, thought "I could have done that; and done it better." I now say yes as often as possible and try not to let an opportunity for growth/challenge pass me by!! xo

My daughter has just been asked to be the flower girl in my sister-in-laws wedding, she will be five at the time of the wedding and I know she WILL NOT walk down the aisle. I don't know why people think kids want to do this, and I don't think they should be made to do it. Not to mention why spend the money on a tux/suit for a kid who doesn't want to do this!

Being asked to be in a wedding is an honor. If he doesn't want to do it, it's his loss. No way would I push it. And he doesn't get to change his mind down the road.

Hi M.:
My advice is "leave the kid alone". Don't make HIM
miserable trying to make someone else happy because in the end, they're going to be unhappy too. He probably won't smile for any of the pictures and he might decide not to walk down the aisle. Ask your brother to find someone else. I'll bet there's more young family members just itching to ham it up in the wedding. Good luck!

Your son is old enough to decide this for himself. Have you thought about the fact of losing his trust by not listening to his feelings?

My 7 year old nephew didn't want to be my ringbearer either at my wedding. Then we chose a cousin his age to be ring bearer with him and he said he'd do it if he could do it with the cousin. Perhaps your child has a friend or relative who could be ring bearer with him?

If he doesn't like the attention, don't force him. Let him know it's o.k. but he can't change his mind; it'll be too late. Besides, you don't want him to be intreverted. Let him make his mind up about these smaller things so as he gets older and you need to push an issue, it'll be his turn to "give in".

I wouldn't force him to do something that he's uncomfortable with. He's done it before and he's old enough to know that he doesn't like the attenton. He's probably just a bit shy. Letting him make the decision to sit this one out might be better for everyone in the long run. If he's reall close to your brother and wants to contribut to the wedding in some other way you might want to help him come up with some other, less public way of helping out. Perhaps he can hand out programs or flowers at the wedding. Good luck!

Well, since he's already done it twice, I think he knows what he is talking about,
and really doesn't want to do it.

But, maybe if he doesn't have to walk down the aisle by himself, he'd feel more comfortable.
Can he walk up with the flower girl or even you? Good Luck! Have fun at the wedding!

S

At my sisters wedding My daughter was too shy, so we walked up the aisle together, and it made it easier. (no bribery worked)

I say let him say no. You said he's done it before, so he knows what it involved and he is clearly indicating that he's uncomfortable in the role. The bride and groom's wedding will certainly go on without him, minus the cuteness factor, so why put him through it?

Has your brother asked him personally, as a favor and while explaining how important it is and how much it would mean to him? I would try that, and then let your son's decision stand. Don't force his willingness, but consult with him as you would an adult before letting him make the decision.

If he had never done this before, I would suggest talking to him about it and telling him about teh dressing up and such. But since he has been in 2 parties already, I would think he knows that he just does not feel comfortable. If the wedding is a year out, then maybe he will change his mind. I wouldn't force him. Maybe his uncle can talk to him, but I would not force or run a guilt trip since both could make him miserable. I was also extremely shy and hated having the attn on me. School plays and Girl Scout shows are not my best memories.

Hi there...

The first question that comes to my mind is how did you get your son to participate in the two weddings he was in previously? Did he express why he doesn't like the pictures and attention?

The other thought I had was maybe practice being in the wedding to ease his fears/nervousness. You know, maybe have a friend or two over..they can take turns being the ring bearer and the photographer, get a disposable camera that they can use to take pics...make it fun. This might help him even though he's already been in two weddings.

I think the more you try to bribe him, the more he will resist. Seems in my experience with two boys, ages 9 and 6, this is the case:) I don't think I would force the issue. If he really, really won't do it, I would just let him say no. But he should be able to give your brother a reason..have him talk to your brother one on one. Maybe they could go to lunch-your sons choice of restaraunt-and talk about the wedding,etc. Kind of let your son be in charge...a cool day out with his uncle.

I hope that these ideas help.Enjoy the wedding..no matter who the ring bearer is:)

B.

Validate your son's feelings on this issue and in the end let him decide what he wants to do. If he still doesn't want to be in the wedding party even after all the bribing, then that's really sending you a message not to go ahead and do it.

Maybe he could do something else for his uncle's wedding such as pass out the ceremony pamphlets/fliers or some other little job that you can come up with. He may still want to do something that doesn't require getting much attention from others... He's "been there, done that..." two times already and does not want to do it again.

It's so great that you are considering his feelings... the wedding will still be a success!

My 3 yr old niece was a flower girl in my wedding. I knew she would be too scared to walk down the aisle alone, so I had my nephew (who was 16yrs old at the time) walk down the aisle with her, holding her hand. She looked so cute. She didn't have to drop flowers, she only had to hold a flower girl kissing ball in her other hand and she did it so well. Maybe if someone else walks down the aisle with him.........

I would allow him to say no. I had a flower girl who wouldn't take pictures or walk down the aisle. And I was okay with it but some Brides that would really upset them to have it happen. Your son is old enough to know he doesn't want to do it, and it will put a lot of stress on you and your brother to try and force him.

Absolutely do not force him to do it. This will crack you up-my son who was 5 at the time, was to be the ring bearer at my second wedding. It was a very low key affair, but we wanted to give him a part so to speak. But on the actual day he totally refused to do it. Once he saw all the people and all the excitement of the day he was having no part of it. At first I was a bit miffed and then I realized, duh, of course he doesn't want to do this! SO it was no biggie.

M.,

I feel your pain. My daughter did the same thing to me last year when she was a flower girl for my niece's wedding. She didn't want to do it and kept saying that she wasn't. Little by little, she warmed up to the idea and finally did it. We read books, talked about it, I showed her my wedding pictures with her cousins as the flower girls. I think just seeing her flower girl dress and shoes made her want to do it. It may not be that easy for you since your son has already been a ring bearer and knows what to expect. Maybe have a talk with your brother and tell him how your son feels. Your son might be able to help out at the wedding in other ways...handing out programs, rice, etc. If your son and your brother have a good relationship, maybe they can do something fun together and talk about it while they are on their outing. Tell your son to be totally honest with his uncle about why he doesn't want to be the ring bearer. It is a tough situation since you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, yet don't want to force your son into a stressful situation. Good luck and don't stress yourself out too much over it. Talk to your brother so that you can all enjoy yourselves at the wedding. Take care.

If he doesn't like the attention, I would suggest you take the walk down the aisle out of the picture. Maybe he can walk out with the groom and groomsmen or just be up at the front seated with relatives and join the wedding party at the appropriate time (beginning of the ceremony or just the ring exchange part).

I was a bridesmaid for a friend; the groom's sister was also a bridesmaid and she walked with her son, the ring bearer, down the aisle (at the bridesmaid time to enter). He stood with her too.

I suggest overall that you just make it as comfortable for him as possible. And you don't have to force him. That might turn into an unpleasant struggle the day of the wedding. He probably only NEEDS to be in one picture with the wedding party and with your family too, maybe. And you may have time to let him think about it. Your brother should be patient and understanding, I hope. And if you can forgo the 'matching boy tux' and just do a nice suit that complements the rest of the wedding party, you can even decide up to the last minute/week before the wedding. Good luck. Mostly, enjoy the wedding and look forward to growing old with your brother and new sister-in-law!

When will your brother be getting married? If it's not for another year, I'd ride it out for a few months. He may change his mind. My son was a ring bearer, at 7 years old and was very shy about it too. The difference was that my son liked getting dressed up and thought it was cool to wear a tux and be "one of the men". The limo ride was the best - drinking a pop and eating snacks in the back was a great memory for him. Knowing that none of us were given that opportunity to ride in it made him feel very special. One of his favorite, older cousin was the Best Man, so that really was a bonus. And the picture of my son, sound asleep, stretched across three banquet chairs at the end of the night, was my bonus!

If he has seen pictures of your wedding and talked about the role and responsibilities of being a ring bearer and he still... really won't budge, I'd never force him or make him feel bad about it. I'm sure you feel bad about it and deep down, your son may feel bad about it too, if he is so shy. If the answer really is "NO", then help him create something or do something special for his uncle so he doesn't feel like he let him down - maybe framing a picture of them together or an art project-type thing. For the future, work on helping him handle his shyness with others. If he is that shy, I would role-play with him so that he can learn to adapt and feel more confident to handle different social situations.

Good luck.

Definitely let him say no. Explain to the bride that it is nothing personal, but your son really does not like the attention. We attended a wedding once where the flower girl had a meltdown - throwing the basket of flowers and screaming at the top of her lungs "I hate being a flower girl! I don't want to do this!" (Of course, I'm not suggesting your son would behave this way.)