My Son Told Me He Hates Being Himself :(

Updated on February 28, 2013
M.B. asks from Clearwater, FL
19 answers

My 6 year old is bipolar. And he knows he is, we talk about it with him. Today he said that he hated being who he is because no one is like him and he cant be what he wants to be. It breaks my heart to hear that because I want him to always be proud of who he is. I've tried really hard to plant that seed in him because of the discrimination he will one day face amoung society. I'm sure it's just part of the bipolar talking, I tried reassuring him that I love him, and he can do anything in life he wants. I tell him about people who are bipolar and are sucessful in life. He's also becoming more aware of how people view mental illness so I'm not sure if that is playing into this also. He's been otherwise doing good. I know bipolar is different in children then it is in adults, but I guess I want to know from anyone who is bipolar is there anything else I can do to help him? You would think after almost 2 years I'd have a handle on this, but it's such an unpredictable condition and it still hurts to hear him say those things. Oh and PLEASE NO dietary suggestions, I've spoke with many highly respected psychs and behavioralist who don't beleive in them, also he changed meds and we are having a hard time getting him to eat in general.

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So What Happened?

He was eating only organically grown food, he's been tested for allergies and intolerances. And yes we have done elimination diets on him before he was diagnosed. That along side research I've seen from serveral drs is why I'm not going to limit the foods he will eat
Added BEFORE the dr who diagnosed him originally would diagnose him we had to test for allergies/intolerances and noting came back, we have also done eliminating certain foods before and had no luck, bipolar isn't caused by diets nor is it aggravated by it. So that wouldn't change anything

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B.F.

answers from Dallas on

My cousin just went to a group for relatives of people with bipolar disorder. She was one of two who were spouses, the rest were parents. Try a support group.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

Could you find a support group? Perhaps, there are other parents looking for children to befriend their children. Knowing kids like him, night help.

I know there will be people (on here, or in the world) that will say 4 or 6 is too young to diagnose. I have a sister who is bipolar (among other illnesses) and she was "different" from birth. Absolutely, by 4...she had bipolar tendencies. If a doctor was willing to diagnose her this young, I wonder how much better off she would be.

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J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

I know it isn't the same as what Andy has but is he literal? Like Andy will say he hates himself but he is actually only referring to that moment in time. Like when he is frustrated or he did something stupid.

I guess I just try to make sure I am not taking my meaning for what he is saying. Not sure if that makes sense. Like me, I can't get this report to run, Andy, I hate myself. We are both saying the same thing.

Andy is almost 14 and I would say a couple years ago he started noticing the benefits, the good things about who he is and is more able to balance that with his limitations.

One funny thing he said last week, I have autism don't I, yup, you still do. That may explain why people sometimes look at my funny. Could be. Before I could go on with the you are wonderful the way you are, he goes into, humans, and shaking his head. I have no idea where he got that. :p

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M.S.

answers from Tampa on

I'm so sorry to hear this... It's a shame he is so aware of his condition at such a young age.....

I do not know if this will help- But- it may help for him to hear about all of the incredibly gifted people in the world who have suffer from similar conditions. (I used to do some research on the fine line between 'madness' and 'greatness'.. I was a strange kid.......)

Anyway, I do not mean to glorify bipolar disorder, but there are some amazing people in the world who have suffered from this and similar afflictions. Some have theorized that such conditions have enhanced the ability to create art....... or that many with these conditions fall into the category of artist because of the nature of the profession-

Composers:
Robert Schumann, Maurice Ravel, Sergei Rachmaninoff, P.I.Tchaikovsky, Ludwig van Beethoven, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Carl Maria von Weber, Eric Satie

Poets such as: William Blake, John Keats, Percy Bysshe Shelley, Edgar Allan Poe, Emily Dickenson, Anne Sexton, and Sylvia Plath are one the "A-list" of candidates for manic depression.

Novelists: Emile Zola, Mary Shelley, Leo Tolstoy, Maxim Gorky, and Robert Louis Stevenson.

Visual artists: Michelangelo, Theodore Gericault, Edvard Munch, Paul Gaugin, Vincent VanGogh, Mark Rothco, and Georgia O'Keefe.

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D.N.

answers from Chicago on

I don't know any children that have been diagnosed as bipolar. However, I do have experience with a child that hates himself or feels like he will never be able to do anything. This is the age he is noticing that people judge each other. It is a major human fault as far as I am concerned. One of our worst faults. My son has Hemophilia, a bleeding disorder and his is severe. He had a port. At 6 yrs old he was just discovering that other boys were not told not to do something really rough. I let him play but he had to be more careful. If another child hit him, expecially a boy, he would tell them not to do that because he has a port. The other child had no clue what he was talking about and they would sometimes treat him differently, sometimes in a mean way. But as my son has grown (14 next week), he has learned to temper things and can usually take things and turn them around. He used to say he hated himself because he has the disorder. Now he says he hates the disorder. He knows that he can do anything, within reason of course. He wants to join the military when he grows up but knows that that won;t happen. So he has researched what he can do and even looked up how to be an officer with out serving. It is a struggle and hard to go through but keep positive and keep up those reminders. Show him rather than tell him.

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M.R.

answers from Seattle on

I have no advice, just wanted to say that I am so, so, so sorry for you and your son and his negative thoughts as of late. You are a wonderful and insightful and supportive mom!! He is blessed to have you by his side to reassure him and guide him.

Clearly, a support group will help him find similar acquaintances. Whether they become friends is another issue. I wonder if there are any summer camps for kids with bi polar? There are so many wonderful camps for kids with many other disorders. My husband and I have volunteered numerous times for blind/deaf camps, diabetes and epilepsy camps, etc.

In addition to your loving support, please remind him that we all have down days, even those without his issue. His might be more down than normal, but he will come out of it and will bounce back and have good days as well.

I would think making a scrap book of the good days, like at games and parks and zoos and cooking in the kitchen with you, happy moments like those, would help him remember those times on days like this. Just a thought.

Best of luck!

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H.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

I would look into a support group. You can contact the National Assoc for the Mentally Ill or talk to your psychologist they may be able to point you in the right direction. Maybe try not be so focused on it. Yes he has Bi polar, but don't let it define who he is. I'm not saying put your head in the sand, but if he is stable and doing well try to put it in the back of your and his mind for awhile. I worked in the mental health field with kids for 6 years. I know it can be hard and isolating. Hope things turn around soon for you.

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A.M.

answers from Kansas City on

i have zero experience with bipolar in children (only in adults - so YIKES. good for you for getting a grip on this early because it's UGLY if not. nothing you don't know already i'm sure. i digress.) i just wanted to tell you that my son is 6 with adhd, NOT similar to bipolar, i get it, but he has uttered the same things, more than once. it does break your heart. but honestly i think it's just a natural reaction to being "different" - or even more so, being unable to control your own body. that's what my son's is. he gets so frustrated because he tries SO hard - yet still, every day, he gets in trouble at school for being disruptive. we are also working with diet and meds and trying to find the right combination of everything. but in the meantime, he gets down on himself too. i just wanted you to know you're not alone in that feeling. i just tell him that god made him exactly as he is, on purpose. and i wouldn't want him any other way. but i also tell him there are things i don't like about myself sometimes too. i tell him, i lose my patience sometimes. i get frustrated. sometimes i don't know how to do things. but that you just get back up, and keep trying. and remember that there are a LOT of people who love you, just as you are. that we all think he's amazing.

i know, trite. not helpful. i'm sure you've already said the same.

i also remember, as a kid there WERE things i didn't like about myself. and i really do think it's very similar. so my son can't sit still and gets in trouble every day, no matter how hard he tries. i was fat, and painfully- PAINFULLY shy. i learned from it and got stronger. our boys will too, because they have great moms that are here to HELP them do that. it won't be easy but they'll get there. hang in there mama! god gave US these boys, because we were the right mamas for the job.

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X.O.

answers from Chicago on

I don't have any advice, but wanted to give you and your son a big hug! One of my little brothers has bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, both which first showed themselves when he was in his teen years. It is tough for everyone involved, but I am praying that things for your son will be better than they've been for my brother. Education and destigmitization of mental illness are very necessary for there to be social acceptance, or at least civility towards the mentally ill.

Are there any support groups for mentally ill kids and or their families in your area?

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S.R.

answers from Kansas City on

Have you ever tried changing his diet or are you just set on not even looking towards that direction because two highly respected pshchologist told you not too and they dont believe it works? Sometimes i think doctors are quick to make a judgement and write down a script to say "next please" to the next person standing in line. I wouldnt knock the diet until you try it. At least try it! I have an Autistic (which yes i know is not the same as bipolar) who we changed her diet and it worked wonders! I am here to tell you it will not be a quick fix and you probably wont see results until 6-8 weeks down the road, but if you keep it up... it could help him. It wont "fix" him but diet def does help! Maybe try researching some daily supplements to include in his diet since he is having a hard time eating....
Good luck to you and yours!

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K.C.

answers from Washington DC on

A resource for you, if you haven't already read it ...

http://www.amazon.com/Bipolar-Child-Definitive-Reassuring...

And another ... http://bipolarchild.com/ and http://bipolarchild.com/resources/jbrf/

I know this cannot be easy ... And may be walking in your shoes someday. Our son's bio parents both have significant mental health issues. We don't know how much, if any, will be inherited for him. Best wishes.

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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

Please work hard to find a support group -- no, two support groups:

One: Find him a support group for kids who are bipolar. I know this one may be tough, but at least you're in a fairly large area and not the middle of nowhere. Ask his doctors; ask the local health care "systems" of hospitals; go online and find whatever national nonprofit group helps and represents bipolar people and their families. He needs to meet other kids who have this condition. He really must see with his own eyes and hear with his own ears the KIDS who are indeed like him. At his age, you can tell him all day long that he is not alone, and that there are other kids "just like you" but he won't truly believe you until he meets one of those kids -- lots of those kids. There must be such groups out there. Whatever national advocacy groups help those with mental conditions should be able to help you find one.

Two: Please, please get into a support group for parents of bipolar kids (if you are not in such a group already). You need a place you can go, without your son present, to talk with parents who are going through what you are going through, and who have been through it already. All the doctors in the world can't replace a good self-help support group where people meet those who are in the same boat and who can offer advice and just listen and truly understand what you mean. Again -- doctors, psychiatrists, local hospital groups, advocacy groups, all may be able to connect you. YOU need support as much as your son does and HE needs you to get that support so you are ready to work with him.

I hope you all get the support you need and I especially hope he can connect somehow with other kids. Meanwhile, talk to his doctors about whether he would benefit from more (or different) activities that take him out of himself and give him links with other kids his age -- not just bipolar kids but other kids, period. Distraction can count for a lot at this age, but you might need some guidance on what would work best with him and his condition so he feels on top of things and like he's achieving things.

Years ago I used to work at a clearinghouse that connectied people with self-help groups and it's no longer around but you can search to find them online now. I really hope BOTH he and you can find them.

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

I googled and found this website: http://www.dbsatampabay.org/

Don't know if they can help, but maybe they have resources or suggestions. I would ask his doctor for recommendations for support groups. Just knowing he's not alone may help him, and knowing there are other parents out there with this challenge may help you.

Hugs!

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G.K.

answers from San Francisco on

I don't have any advice, having never known a child who's bipolar, but like Samantha R, I urge you to not be so quick to discount what dietary changes could do for your little guy. Diet plays such a HUGE role in anyone's life, and it's ALWAYS worth it to try. Instead of consulting psychologists and behaviorists, find a respected pediatric nutritionist!

Good luck with your journey, and keep up your encouragement. It never hurts to hear it! Hugs mama!

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

A support group for him.
And you/the family.

Instead of concentrating on how he is different from others, concentrate on HIM and knowing himself.
For any child, this is key.
ANY child or adult can claim no one is like them.
From the time my kids were toddlers, I taught them to know, themselves. That everyone is different. But knowing themselves, is key.
And they are not followers nor copycats... because now at their ages, they know themselves and their own, cues. And their own ideas and thoughts.

A child can be, what they want to be.

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M.T.

answers from Nashville on

By him saying he can't be what he wants to be, I am just wondering if he is being diagnosed for something he does not have and wants to break out of the box that he's been put in but cannot.

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K.S.

answers from Denver on

I am so sorry for you both! I love the idea of support groups, so I'll vote for that, too.

But I was going to suggest doing some reseasrch on celebs and historical figures who are bipolar (or have something similar). If there are no books about them, try having him watch a show or movie with them in it (appropriate, of course). A relatable source is huge, especially for kids. If he can see someone he likes and admires and find out that they struggle, too, it could really boost him. I'm SURE there are athletes who have gone public, that could be even better than celebs.

Good luck to you, and what a sweet mom to advocate for your little guy.

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

I agree with others about support groups. You can find internet support groups with discussion boards as well, if you cannot find local support groups. Talk therapy may be good for him too, so the psychiatrist can give him suggestions as to how to combat this negative talk and find the root cause, although I think it is normal, kids get frustrated and say things at that age. My daughter will say everyone hates her and she has no friends sometimes. I know several bipolar adults one of which is my former husband that get in these very negative, critical, self-destructive moods, which are at the other end of bipolar, and the next day after all is said and done, they are manic and feeling like they're the best out there. I assume this can happen to kids going through it as well.

I'd talk to him and ask him why he feels this way and try to encourage him. Show him what makes him so great and unique. Could his medications be making him feel down? Bipolar is hard to treat because of the imbalance of moods and having to find a medication that can target the mania and the depression. Sometimes the medication for mania can increase their depression, which is why they go through several trial periods of different meds, sometimes in combinations, and some patients become so frustrated they find other means of relief.

How about finding some playgroups for him? I'm sure that if he starts playing and having fun with kids, he will forget about his disorder or what makes him different from other kids. He is focusing too much on what he perceives a "bad" difference rather than focusing on the good (like creativity and/or increased intelligence, generally, in my experience) and having fun and being a kid. Also, because kids in school may be mean and know he is different, by going to a playgroup (organize one on Mamapedia or try meetup.com and search for playgroups), he may find other kids who like him and maybe some kids who are in the same boat or who have trouble making friends and would appreciate his friendship.

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A.P.

answers from Tallahassee on

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Please, please read Gut and Psychology Syndrome by Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride. She attributes several psych related issues to imbalances in the gut. My son has some issues himeself and we are starting the protocol within months. I have read many, many success stories from mother's who were otherwise hopeless. Best wishes! :)

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