My Son's Friend Is Stealing from Him

Hello, I have an 11 year old step-son that is the one that does the stealing. He goes to friend's homes and sees something he likes and brings them home. You need to speak to the other child's parents because this can lead to other problems. My step-son was caught stealing from a book fair in school. If this child has a problem it needs to be nipped in the bud

Hi K.,

I would recommend calling his parents, but not in an accusing way. I would just call and say that you and your son have looked all over for some toys and calling them is your last resort. You think if anything, perhaps he may have been playing with them and just forgot to leave them when he left. Who knows, maybe they've noticed that he has some extra toys around but just don't know that he's taken them without permission.
When my sister and I were young, there was a girl that used to take our toys constantly. Eventually it escalated to the point where she started stealing from our parents. If he is stealing, it needs to be taken care of sooner rather than later.
Good luck!

I have 4 kids, among them a 12 y.o. son. We have a "house policy" that the special items get put away when friends come to play. If it isn't available, it can't become an issue. If it's in a community area, it becomes community property. You can limit where they play together unsupervised and what they are playing with. It helps them both to understand healthy boundries about property without giving any opportunities for "borrowing". I also make sure kids who come to play understand our house rules about property and behavior expectations before the play date begins. If they can't cooperate, they have to meet at a neutral play place....a park or the library ...where the property/toys/etc. are not part of the equation....the act of being together is.

Hi,
It's unfortunate that these are things we have to deal with at that age but I too have gone through something similar and it has taught me to be more upfront and talk not only to the child but the parent(s). Then again I am a stern no-nonsense parent and don't leave much room for foolishness so when the children get together I automatically set ground rules like (if you see something you like or want please ask don't just take it) and I let them know the consequence.

you can also try dialogging with the parent when these things happen right away or wait till the next time to broach the subject not to sound accusatory but appealing to the parent letting them know what's happening the next time the children want to get together by saying something like, " This is difficult for me to say so please don't be offended but I notice whenever your John comes over Brian is missing little things like his Lego toy or his... I would like them to continue playing but it makes Brian upset when John leaves and he can't find his toys. Is there a way we can handle this situation so we can teach the children a fair way of dealing with things of this nature?"

If the parent is not cooperative or is not receptive then, that might not be the child for your child to associate with. It is my belief that we must be selective and protect our children so don't feel bad. He'll make new friends if you are not comfortable with the character of this other child.

Hope that helps.
Good luck

~C

Your son is being taken advantage of. The boy may be taking the toys because he is jealous, or because he is at the start of a very serious problem. How much does your son REALLY enjoy playing with this kid, if all his stuff disappears? You can try one more play date but put the good stuff away, and make a point of doing it, telling the other boy that these toys are not permitted out because they keep disappearing (when certain kids plays) and it hurts your son's feelings. You can also call the parents, and you can stop the play dates and either tell them why or have the other boy figure it out. You could also suggest that your son would lend certain things if only he were asked. YOu need to address this either indirectly or directly, but NOT allow it to continue.

Another way is to make a list of all the toys that are out, and then when they "clean up" before the other boy goes home, take inventory. Say to the other kid, "Let's see if it fell into your pocket when you were pickcing things up." Only allow a certain number of toys out at one time, and then when they are cleaned up, they can get another set. You can say that toys are expensive and special, and it's important to take care of them. The boy may figure out that you are on to him, or figure out that he has no opportunity.

If it happens again, you can say that the play groups will stop because it is too difficult to keep track of the toys, and you don't know where they might be disappearing to, but until the problem can be solved, the get-togethers have to stop. Your son needs to find friends he can trust and who respect him. Trading toys is one thing - stealing is another. This boy either has a problem that needs to be addressed, or he is not your son's friend. THe sooner your son learns to make decisions about this, the better.

I faced this years ago with my oldest. I live in a small town and the boys were in the same class. I went to school and talked with their teacher. I found out that the problem was occurring there also and that the parents were aware of it, but refusing to accept that their son was doing this. I ended up letting him come over to play, but he was not allowed in the house. I also had a long talk with my son to explain why I was doing this. My son's toys stopped disappearing, unfortunately, years later the other boy ended up having bigger problems in high school. Good Luck and I hope this helps. Jo

Hi K. - I don't think searching him before he leaves is such a bad idea... It may just be a matter of implementing a new "family policy" in your house.

Tell him about it next time he comes over - you seem to be missing stuff and just want to be sure that it's not inadvertently getting mis-placed. Very innocent. No accusations.

Maybe both boys do it at the same time. Empty pockets, turn hoods inside out. You see, different houses have different rules - and this is one of ours.

The opposite way to go about it is this: Next time he comes over, take him aside and tell him that your house rule is that issues (problems - but we don't use that word) that come up are discussed between "you and I" the first time.

If it happens again, I have a conversation with your Mom (Dad,whomever.)

Now we really have no idea what's going on, and we're having this conversation with everyone that comes over. (You get the drill - very non-confrontational...)

And ask him if he's ever gotten home and found that he had your sons lego, matchbox car, whatever, by accident? because eeesh - it could happen. Heck, it used to happen to you when you were a kid!

However - if your son continues to lose toys, he will not be able to have any more playdates. Period.

THEN - if you think it's continuing, you can go for option one, above.

More importantly though - here's a lesson for your son.

Here's an opportunity for him to learn about different people and issues they might have... What kind of home life might his friend have that's causing this behavior? Might stealing and breaking the rules be ok in his house? What kind of life do you think Johnny will have as a result...?

There's always an opportunity to teach, if we reserve judgement and interrupt the attitude we might be thrown to.

I don't envy you, raising a man. It is very difficult. But here you've been given an opportunity to teach not only conflict resolution, but tolerance and compassion as well - plus the simple fact that we must obey the rules or there are consequences.

What a gift!

Hi K.,
When my boys are done playing with something they have to put it away. It helps to curb the tide of matchbox cars threatening to take over my house. Maybe you could insist that everything get put away when they are finished playing. It might help you or your son notice that something is missing, before his friend leaves. Then everyone could look for it together.

I've read your responses and many have great ideas for you. I would just like to comment on what's it's like being on the other side, getting those phone calls that your child has taken something. I always hated getting them but wouldn't have it any other way. If there is a problem, I can't fix it if I don't know about it.
My daughter had sticky fingers for a few years. Having ADHD and being extremely impulsive, she would act on impulse. She had a bad habit of putting things in her pockets. Nights were the worst, especially after her meds wore off. Many times, she didn't even realize she had the things. Fortunately for me, most of these occurances happened at my best friends house. We did implement a plan to search her before leaving, but we forgot at times. I would get a call, then have to go search her clothes, coats, hamper...you get the idea.
I think most parents would want to know but there is always some that won't and don't believe their child could do something like that.
We need to teach them what's acceptable and what's not. I have no problem talking to her friends when they are at our place. They have to follow my house rules too or they have to go home. Everyone is clear up front with what is expected of them.
Good luck. Best approach is to stay calm and non accusing and hope they are receptive.
K.

My son has a friend who does the same thing, they've been friends for 2 years now... they are both 12. My son went from being upset, to believing his friend's lies to accepting since he was a "good friend", to realizing that good friends don't "borrow" your stuff without asking. Last month he found his video game at the kids house, he's a neighbor so they see each other often. Up until the video game, the kid didn't take anything of real value and the only proof my son really had was that he found them at his friends house but the friend also claimed he found it outside.

Now he just doesn't invite him over, he'll even make up excuses and tell the kid that I said he couldn't have company or that he's grounded. It's a hard thing to prove and hopefully your son will realize that real friends don't steal from you. It took my son almost 2 years to figure it out though!

Just tell the kid that he can't come in your house because you think he's taking your son's stuff but you son is welcome to go over his house or they can play outside.

I had two friends like that growing up. Both ended up in trouble for kleptomania. If it was once, it is a forgiveable action, but all the time is indicative of a problem the parents should be made aware of. Of my two friends, one ended up in therapy, and got better, the other has been in the paper twice this year for breaking and entering and then robbing the business they broke into! And it said it wasn't her first offense! Anyway, I would definitely bring it to the parents attention, and not play at your house for a while. Play somewhere else, or at his house.

I would talk to the parents. You don't have to say: your son has been taking things. But something more in a way that it would not be too embarrassing for the parents. Just let them know that your son is missing xyz and if by any chance it ended up at their house. If it did, I am sure the kid will make excuses. If the parents "cover" up for him, there is little you can do. You can choose not have him play at your house, and that will be tough on your kid.

I once was a director at a summer camp (overnight) and some things went missing, and we pretty much knew who took it. The kid would refuse to admit it, until later that day, I mentionned on the side, that the next day the police will be over and take fingerprints. He completely freaked out and told us that he took the stuff.

I think it is important to deal with it, because you don't want your son to learn that it is so easy to get away with it.

We have a similar situation with our sons friend. A few things have gone missing, some things he commmented that he liked. I did finally talk to his mom and she found 1 item. He says he found it outside and brought it in to keep it safe...we're neighbors and he could have easily brought it here, so Mom gave him a little talking to. Other things my son just happened to misplace. When I called our neighbor I just let her know they were missing and to see if her son might know where they went.
Now our problem is more how they talk to eachother. I think he wants to hear himself talk and they end up in little & silly arguements. I have often tried to direct my son in how to deal with it and this week he even tried to argue with ME about a movie no longer playing in the theater. I think these things just come with the age and puberty as it begins.
I think the call is your sons-wheather he wants to trust him to come and play without stealing. Your instruction is very important to help him decde. In my eyes from experiences when I was growing up having fun together doesn't make a good friend. Trust was something I wish I stuck with.
Good Luck!

I agree with Sheree. I always ask myself if I would want to know if my child was doing something like this. Of course, I would!!!! Sheree had wonderful advice. Nip it now and you may be saving this boy from much bigger problems later.