My oldest son is about a month shy of 3 1/2. I've been letting him set the pace for his potty training, and he has finally decided he wants to wear big boy underwear all the time. He is actually doing a super terrific job. It has been about a week now, and he has had only a couple of pee-pee accidents (because he got so involved with his playing, he forgot he was wearing underwear and not a diaper). The bigger challenge is his "poopy". He is afraid of it. He tells me it is scary. He has had several "poopy" accidents. I know he knows when he has to go, because he goes and hides. He freaks out when I try to take him to the potty during these times, and he begs me to leave him alone until he is done. Of course, once his underwear is dirty, he comes running and begging me to change him right away. I've tried putting him on the potty kicking and screaming during these times, and I've tried just letting him finish on his own, and then talking to him calmy while I help him clean up. I don't want to threaten him with diapers, because I don't want him to feel punished for having an accident. At that same time, he is actually choosing to go in his underwear. He really and truly knows he is doing it. We have had only two successes with poopy in the potty. We praised him extensively and he was rewarded with a "poopy prize" (he gets to pick from a basket of things I've gotten at the Dollar Store).
I am absolutely certain that his problem with poopy in the potty is one of fear, and not emotional or physical readiness. He also is exhibiting fear of his bath water. This is sudden and new. He does occasionally have nightmares, and in the midst of drawing his bath, he freaks out and tells us that he is afraid the hot water is going to cover him up. He has never had a scary bath incident. Once the water is turned off, he hops in and enjoys his bath as joyfully as ever. It's just while the water is running that he gets scared. For the most part, we have simply started getting the bath ready before he comes in. This works up until I have to bathe him after a poopy accident. Then I have both fears to deal with. Any ideas, suggestions or stories to share that let me know I'm not the only one dealing with child fears would be greatly appreciated!
I think this is common. I don't know how to help, other than sitting down and discussing it with him and trying to find out why he's scared. I think my son went through something similar to this. I agree that you shouldn't punish him for not going on the potty, and continue with the praise.
I have two girls. My oldest hated pooping in the potty. She would hold it till she had her diaper on before bed. Then she'd hide in a corner and poop! Then we'd have to change her diapers. It was definitely a choice she was making. But I'm glad she chose to wait till her diaper was on. Ick!
He's choosing...and sometimes we have to guide their choices. "When you choose to use the potty to poop, I'll put big boy undies on afterward". "you don't like that mess in your undies, and neither does mommy" LOL!
You could also take him to toys R us or one of those stores and let him pick out a cool kid toilet seat of his choosing. Give him a little basket of kid books next to the toilet and let him go at it! Make it a fun--sort of by his choosing--time.
Personally, I wouldn't turn it into a knock down drag out event. Just be very matter of fact and calm and let him know that when you use the potty, you get big boy undies, period. He will remember it as a good experience rather than a traumatic one by being forced to use the toilet.
He's close! Hang in there and hope it helps. It sounded like you might have already had this approach in the back of your mind and just wanted confirmation from others?
I had the exact same problem, and her favorite treat, m & m's, seemed to miraculously vanquish the fear. I said if she poops in the potty, she can have a handful. It worked like a charm. About six months later though, she went to the bathroom and came up to me to collect her treat, and I had to tell her that that was a limited time offer. She didn't like it, but she took it in stride (thankfully).
All the best to you.
Some kids have sudden fears of the toilet flushing, they view their poop as a part of their body and then it's being flushed away. I wouldn't say you're threatening him with diapers, but just start using them again. We have told our daughter she simply can't wear her underwear if she's going to poop in them!
Ours is having a fear of the bath draining. Both the fear of it running and draining seem to be common with three year olds, the fear of drowning or being covered, or being sucked down. Just do like you said, run it without him in it, and make sure he and all toys are out before you drain it. Good luck!
couple of thoughts, my son is also 3 1/2 and just for a few weeks been in underpants. He has only had 2 BMs in the toilet as well, and instead asks to have a diaper to poop. I think that telling your son that he needs to ask for a diaper to poop in is fine, pushing the toilet hasnt worked for us, the harder we try the worse he resists. We have the presents as well, for when he decides to do it. For now, its just great to only use 1-2 diapers a day.
as for the water phobia, I would say something happened. While in child care or with daddy or something. It could have been as simple as the water being uncomforably warm or slipping and dunking while climbing in. We have had this issue before (got dunked and then we went a few weeks washing hair with a washcloth). OR something he saw of tv. Filling the tub before bringing him in is great. It will pass with time.
T.,
My boys (twins) are almost 22 months old and are just showing interest in potty training. What I am doing is trying to make the toilet their friend by showing them that their "poop" from the diaper goes into the toilet to go "bye-bye". We empty the diaper into the toilet and they wave and say "bye-bye poop" (we take turns flushing). Sometimes they want to sit on the toilet (though they do not go potty yet), and sometimes not. Maybe your son just needs to make friends with the toilet and "poop" before he is comfortable with trying to go on the toilet.
I do have a friend who is experiencing the same with her 3 yr. old son, and she is now trying to have him make friends with the toilet and "poop".
It does sound as if you are doing everything to make your son comfortable. It is so hard to determine how any child will react to any changes! Good luck.
I've been using a great book to get us through all the various potty training issues..."Mommy! I Have to Go Potty!" by Jan Faull (she's a local author so many folks have probably heard her speak around the Puget Sound). She breaks down several potential situations and gives suggestions on how to respond. I don't remember all the details right now but she does address the poopy situation and suggests cleaning them quickly and quietly (so there's not emotional battles) and eventually move to the child cleaning themselves up. We are working on all this at my house too so I understand wanting to make the right decisions that support our children but move them along to using the potty all the time. Best of luck!
One of the things I have learned in my studies of child development, as well as from my own experience and observation, is that children around 2-3 often go through a time where they have a lot of irrational fears. Part of the reason for this is that they are beginning to comprehend danger. This is actually a very good thing, because it is this understanding that can keep them from doing the spontaneous and dangerous things that children sometimes do, like run out into a busy parking lot or run right to the edge of a high ledge. It can be a frustrating stage, because they are so resistant to so many things. My daughter also went through the "poopy fear" that you described. In the end, good, ol' fashioned bribery was what worked. I pulled out the big guns... we went to Chuck E. Cheese when she had a BM in the toilet. After she went several times, she began to realize that it was not really as hard or painful as she had feared, and she got over it. You sound like a kind and thoughtful Mama, and your son is blessed to have you for his mother.
my guess is he saw something on TV that scared him. IT might even have been a silly advertisement. Talk about this, & his night mares, what is he seeing. My son had fears of "heaven" & aliens still freak him out at 15.
As for the potty training, the difference between a threat (punishment like a spanking) and a consequence for choice. (life is full of them. You don't show up for work, you get fired.)
Give him the choice. Under pants or the potty. If he too afraid to use the potty, then he can choose the diaper. One or the other. NO ANGER FROM YOU, just a choice. "We can start the day in underwear, but the first time you go poopy in your pants, "you are making the choice for a diaper." Honor his fears, he doesn't have to use the toilet, but he CANNOT use underwear, until he over comes his fear of the toilet.
my son got the opportunity to visit a preschool with a friend, about 3.5. He came home & told me he was potty trained.
That day he made a choice, & had no accidents after that.
You mentioned that there is a younger child. He may not want to leave childhood just yet, he may still want to be your baby too. Allow him to choose to go back to diapers, & wait. He's not to old to still be in diapers, & they are a lot easier to clean up than clothing.
A.
My daughter was afraid to go poopy too.
What ended up working super well, was that we explained to her that poopy is old food that your body is done with. Pee is old water, juice and milk that your body is done with. You have to get the old food out so you have room for new food. It was literally like watching a light bulb go on in her mind. Suddenly she stopped resisting, and would re-explain to me every time she went poopy that she was getting rid of the old food to make room for new food. I have read that sometimes children feel like the poopy is an extension of their bodies, and so they fear that they are more or less flushing something important. By giving her a simple scientific logic - my daughters fear was washed away over-night.
Sounds silly, but it worked with one explanation before she was even 3 years old.
With my second daughter we let her run around naked from the waist down. She was soooo much more aware of her body and need to go even when playing. She never had a poopy accident that way - but a few peeing ones. The sensory experience of not having it "caught" by a diaper or panties made it a very speedy and untraumatic learning experience.
Irrational fears at this age aren't suprising. He is just starting to comprehend consequences and danger. Perhaps let him turn the water on, put in bubble bath - throw his toys in and watch them dance around under the running water... or play with containers to catch the water as it fills the tub. I wouldn't force it - just do it yourself and have fun... see if he gets interested.
Good luck, and I commend you for your patients and understanding. I sure wish I had been more thoughtful when I potty trained my first... it was tough for both of us and I only wish I knew then what I know now.
T.,
I had a very similar incident with my 4 1/2 year old son just a couple of months ago. What worked for us was to 1)make him clean up his own messes in his underwear/clothes, and 2) Let him squat on the toilet seat. After questioning him I discovered that we had monsters living in our toilet that wanted to get him/his poop.
By making him clean up his own mess we made it clear that HE chose to make the mess, so he "gets" to clean it up. By letting him squat on the toilet it gave him the power to see below him and tell those "monsters" to go away and leave him alone.
I don't really know what to say to help with the fear of the water, but my gut says that it may be tied in with his fear of pooping right now. We had our son clean everything up in the toilet, you may want to just use the sink.
Hope this helps,
Melissa
