My Son Is Acting Out a Lot Lately.

It's so normal at this age, but your response will determine how it progresses. Of course he will get angry when you say no. That's normal too. Our job as parents is not to keep our kids from getting mad or upset, it's too help them manage their emotions.

Our pediatrician recommended time outs at 9 mos. - and no, he's not too young! It actually prevented us from having more problems as he got older and now, during the "terrible twos" it's much more effective because he's used to it.

First time: Firm "no hitting". That's the warning.

Second time: "Time out for hitting." One minute per child's age (five and ten minutes is TOO LONG. That's forever to a toddler.) He will wiggle and scream. Ignore it. Do not talk with him. No discussion.

After the time is up, say, "You were in time out for hitting. We don't hit." Then give him a hug and say "I love you." Now, we do make our son say "Sorry" and give a hug before he's allowed out of time out. As he gets older, we are able to have more of a "discussion."

Your child may not understand WHY he's getting time out, but he *will* understand, "If I hit, then time out happens. I don't like time out. I'll stop hitting." It's behavior modification. Works on dogs, right, so wouldn't it work on your smart kid?! :)

P.S. - Sounds like you could use some help too with your feelings about the separation. Ask your doctor or son's pediatrician about getting help for that, and for information about developmental stages, because you're dealing with so much uncertainty in your own life right now! Good luck!

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As a child development specialist I was very surprised when my first son started this behavior. I called the pediatrician and he explained it was a "temper tantrum" which it was. He did it when I put him in the car seat which I had to do.

If he does this while you are doing something required of him I would just get the job done (put on his coat for example) but don't lose your cool. Just verbalize calmly "You seem really angry, you don't like getting your coat on" and then stop. Don't explain why. Too much for him.

If you are in the house and he does it I would give it the least attention possible. Walk away and let him tantrum on the floor. Don't time him out, he is entitled to his anger. But if he tries to throw things or hit, put him in a play pen or his crib (that never affected my son's positive feelings about his bed the way people said it would--they know why they are there!! Come on, these are smart kids!)

If he tries to hit you or pull your hair I would put him in the play pen also and say "No hitting" or "No hair pulling". When he stops crying and shouting let him come out. If he hits you again put him back in.

You are correct in sensing that the separation could be influencing him. Children this young are sensitive to changes and especially if you handles limit setting differently. Try to be on the same page as his Dad. This can be difficult but hopefully you can both decide he comes first.

Good luck. A.

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Discipline him NOW! He will only learn from what you do or do not do. Grab his hands set him down firmly and tell him NO. I always told my children to be "gentle" not using the word "nice". (What is nice?) Start now as it will only get more intense and he will not "grow out of it". YOU are the parent. YOU teach him. Do not let/allow this behavior to rule his. Lovingly tell him how this hurts mommy and others and is not healthy/good. Be pro-active. Are there triggers to this behavior? Stop it before it starts if possible. Diversions are good tools. Even if he is acting out because of fear or frustration about the seperation the behavior is not acceptable. Address the issue, reassure him w/ lots of love, but not not accept this, ever. It will only escalate as the child grows, taking away the respect he would have for you if you do not start now. Pray!

hello jen,
time outs for bad behavior is good. what i do is have a speacial chair just for that in a corner. hitting mom is a no no. you put them in the time out chair and tell them why. of course they may scream about that but you just leave them there and don't respond. once they've calm down alittle you explain how what they did was a no no , then give a hug and let them out the chair. but be careful that the time out isn't too long because they tend to intertain themselves and really forget why they were put there. start with 5mins. especially us new mother we really don't want to discipline our babies, look at it this way, that we're teaching them a better way to behave without inflicting physical pain.

Hi J.,

Getting angry isn't exactly a stage, but it is something new for him. Developmentally, he's reached a stage where he cares if a toys is taken away or he doesn't get something he wants.

At 11 months, it's too early for time-outs to be effective, but a stern "No!" will probably help. If you're holding him when he hits or pulls hair, say no and immediately put him down. If he gets upset, don't pick him up again. Tell him he hurt you (even if he didn't) and that he can't behave that way first. Once he calms down a little, then it's okay to pick him up again.

Sometimes they're just so darn cute, even when they are misbehaving, but don't laugh. Or at least don't let him see you do it, cause that will only encourage the very behaviors you don't want. Also, whatever you do, don't give in and give him what he wants just because he's yelling. All that does is teach him that if he yells long enough, he'll get what he wants. Sometimes the best thing to do in that situation is to walk away...obviously not too far, but far enough so that he realizes yelling isn't getting him what he wants.

Good luck and remember, it will get better! :)

Hi Jen,

I am also a first time mom and seperated from my daughters father. I have to tell you my daughter is a pistol and has been since around the same age as your son, She is 3 now and is still has a temper! I used to think she needed anger management! :) I used to try time outs at that age and it was like a circus (still is sometimes) but she didnt get it, not a clue in the world what this time out was. She thought it was a new game!! So Finally I just kept trying differant things until something worked. I would take her hand and tap it and say very firmly NO. Or fake cry and tell her that she was hurting mommy and if she did it again I would walk away and tell her that mommy cant play if she is going to hurt mommy. I tried giving lap time outs where she had to sit in mommys lap in "time out" but I wouldnt move or say a word. I cant recall which of these things works. But I tell ya, as soon as you find the one that works she will learn some new thing that puzzles you. As he gets older the time out will work and so will the 1-2-3 magic's (thats a good read) I have had many sleepless nights wondering what to do with my daughters tempers and outbursts and sometimes sound myself hiding in time out myself. I would just keep trying differant things, you know your child best and what will work best in your environment. Oh I bought this time out mat at http://www.momsonedge.com/servlet/the-2/%C2%A0THE-NAUGHTY... and it has worked wonders for me! For some reason my daughter "gets" this one! Best of luck and you can email me anytime... we are in the same boat and sometimes its just nice to vent!!!

You are right he is only 11 months old you cannnot discipline him he wouldn't understand....what you can do is firmly say no and take his hand and touch your face gently and say be gentle to mommy. Smile and at him and kiss his hands. Show him how to nicely touch your face, then touch his face nice too, while you are doing this say touch nice or gentle. Let him see you don't like when he hits you and hug him and show him how to touch nicely. You are the parent and he is a baby. You need to let him know you are in control. You can anticipate when he is going to hit or pull your hair and stop him before it happens. Then direct him in touching gently.

First, i felt like I was having deja vu because wrote this same post a few months ago when my daughter was around your sons age. I came to discover it's TOTALLY NORMAL behavior. In fact, it's part of their development and you would be worried if they didn't act this way! I was so concerned that I was going to have a bratty baby... I definitely think that it's too early for time out, an 11 month old can not comprehend time out yet. I think the most important thing a child is learning at this age is empathy, caring and general compassion, SO just telling them no repeatedly may make them stop whatever they are doing, but you're not filling in the void with positive behavior. They don't fully comprehend everything we are saying yet so in addition to saying no to hitting or other inappropriate behavior (EVERY TIME) explain that "it's not nice to hit/pull hair etc. nice people are gentle." then take their hand and rub it gently on your face or hair AND take your hand and rub it gently on them. You have to teach the gentle behavior and teach that gentle is the right thing to do because it feels nice. my daughter doesn't always pay attention and often wants the little session to be done, but she hits much less now. maybe because she just grew out of the phase, but i'm hoping it's because i taught her something better...
GOOD LUCK!

My oldest son was a biter from 10 months on. My pediatrician highly recommended that I disipline him when he does that immeadiately! If not they will think it is OK to do that when they do not get thier way all the time (and trust me playdates wil be a nightmare...we had to leave early ALL THE TIME!) I waited too long to seek her opinion. I thought at first it was from teething, but it beacame a habit (and he learned quickly how to use it from my reaction). At this age, really the only way to disiple is to firmly say NO! (don't yell)they know that word by now. And if you are holding him, put him down. Or playing, stop playing, etc. Another thing is also redirect him. remove him from what is making him act out. They do that because they know they are not happy with somthing but cannot verbalize. Unfortunatley we do not know why either! Eventually they will learn they cannot do that if they want mommy's attention. They are still to young for time out. I used to put my son down and just step away (just a few steps). I hope this helps. Good luck!

Is he getting at least 15 - 17 hours of sleep in a day? I bet that he is overtired.

That is a normal stage, but I have found that well rested kids tend to not have the stage be as bad if it occurs at all.

N.

I'm amazed at how many moms feel the child is trying to act like the boss, or that this behavior will be forever if it is not stopped.

Your son is 11 mos. No matter what is going on w/ you and your husband, your child will be displaying at least some of this behavior. That's a good thing. It means he's moving to the next stage.

He can't talk yet. He does not have the cognitive ability to understand things as you do. He's a baby. He does know what he wants though.

Take your time and get to know his signals. Look at when he's throwing a fit, and try to change the situation to make it less stressful. For example, if your child sees something he wants, at his age, that's what he knows. He wants it. And..that's a good thing. If you need to take it away, give him another alternative. He may scream and cry at times because he's disappointed. He'll soon bounce back.

Pulling hair is fun. Slapping the face or chest is fun at that age. He's not acting out; he's acting his age;) It will pass and then something else will take its place. If you need to, use the word no. But remember, don't use that word too much. It can get overused, and...eventually it will be used on you.

Dr. Sears has great ideas! Check him out.

As far as you and your husband are concerned. If mom is upset, baby is upset. Take care of yourself. Your baby feels everything, even if you put on a good face. Make sure your husband has positive and consitent interaction w/ your son.

If your husband is willing to go to counseling w/ you, look for that option. The first year w/ a baby is very stressful!!

Good luck!

I read your concerns about your 11 month old son, and I'm sorry to hear about this. I had to read this out loud to my husband because it was like you were talking about our son. Anyways, I was hoping there was some kind of responses to this cause I'd really love to know what to do as well, I have the exact same problems, although mine is 21 months old (not to be the bear of bad news). I'm wondering if this is a boy thing or what. Let me know if you get any good advice casue I could use it too. As far as being worried about this, I wouldn't be too concerned cause your not alone.

E.

It sounds like a stage BUT how you react to the behaviors will determine his choices. When he pulls your hair or smacks you, put him down and either walk away or turn your back, dropping the 'attention' you are giving to the behavior. He will eventually learn that hair pulling and smacking you do not get a big show of attention from you.

I've got news for you - your kid's going to say 'no' to you when he's mad for a very, very long time! They're kids and that's what they do. Remember that you are the mother first (and not their friend) and if your 'no' is being used because he's doing something that is unsafe or not nice, then you're doing the right thing. Will he get upset? Probably. But when he's 3 years old and wants to eat 7 pieces of cake you're going to say 'no' right (I hope). You're saying 'no' because it is the right thing to do.

Whatever methods you choose be consistent and stick with it. There's nothing more confusing to a child than strict discipline one day and permissiveness the next, and that does nothing but teach them if they press the issue as hard as they can, mommy will eventually cave in.

No WAY would I put up with any of the violent behavior at any age. My "kids" are now all in thier 20's..but time outs worked then..and still work for my Grand kids. Kids have short attention spans.. Start with sitting in a corner for 1 full .TIMED minute..to begin when he calms down..Even if you stand there with him. But calm him BEFORE you tell him 1. You LOVE him very much ..BUT 2. You do NOT approve of his bad behavior. When He does stuff you DO approve of..don't forget to tell him how much you appreciate his efforts. Too many folks pass the "good moments" up by ignoring them..and only telling the kids when they are behaving in un-acceptable manors. We as adults are very busy..and it is easy to notice loud bad behavior and not notice the good quiet moments. But make the effort.. to reverse things.. Try to ignor the bad..and praise the good as much as you can.. It really makes a difference. Remember.. if Kids were born knowing how to behave, how to do everything right.. they wouldn't need you. You need to be the grown-up now. Don't let your son run your life. You are not a tackleing dummy to get beat up by him.. none of us are. Your little guy needs to learn this lesson.. Good luck.. and don't blink cause if you do, your baby will too soon be a teenager. Teach him LOVE now.. and he'll be able to remember it better later.

No, it's not too early for discipline. The 1st time should have been when he slapped you. Daddy leaving may have something to do with it but the way you handle these situations is the way your child will develope. Discipline now but never bring harm or pain to a child. Don't yell or scream, nobody responds to that. Good luck mom.

hi,
you received a lot of good advice, and i'm sure i'm repeating a lot of it, but just to reinforce... your son is developing emotionally and part of that, for better or worse, is going to include anger. since he doesn't have a full vocabulary, he doesn't know how to express his anger. i think 11 mths is too early for them to understand discipline for behavior episodes. i would suggest honing your skills on the art of distraction. i find that if i distract rather than impose something negative, i can cut some 50% of the bad episodes. so say you want to take something away from him, give him something else to focus on, then sneak what you want away. hope this helps!

You poor thing. I feel for you, my husband and I are in the process of getting divorced. It's really not easy on anyone, but I truly think it's hardest on the little ones.

Your son is at a very normal developmental stage where he's figuring out how to express his opinions. And no, it's not too early to discipline him. A stern "no, we don't pull hair" or "no, we don't hit" will usually work, after you repeat it a few times. After you tell him "no", show him how to be gentle. Show him how to stroke your face gently, and stroke his face gently, saying "gentle" all the while.

He's going to get mad. He expects his world to revolve around him, and he should. It's how he learns to trust. But at the same time he needs to learn about limits. A little healthy anger is good, and it gives your son a chance to act out his anger with someone he knows he can trust completely: you. So hang in there, and get ready for the tantrums. They're uncomfortable for everyone, but they're usually fairly short-lived. Hitting is never acceptable, nor is pulling hair. Be firm and consistent.

talk to the pediatrician about it at his 12 mo. checkup. She'll have some great input for you, and then you'll feel like you have some more tools to help you cope.

Hang in there, and try not to give in while he's in the middle of a tantrum. We're trying to reinforce good behavior, not the other way around.

Hi J.,
It's interesting that what some moms call discipline is hitting one's child and other's are referring to educating the child. Discipline actually does come from the latin term that means "instruction". It's important for you to understand normal developmental stages for children so you don't freak out when they do things that are extremely normal and really an important part of their process. But it's also important that you teach them what is and is not appropriate behavior. You will have to decide what is the approach you are comfortable with, and stick with it. An 11 month old does not have the cognitive abilities of a 3 year old or a 6 year old, etc. So you have to stick with things they can understand, and it will take time.
My son was the same at that age. They don't understand they are hurting yet. But you can teach them. When my husband left me it had a big impact on his behavior. He did have more frustrations and he had a hard time coping at times. I was patient with him (or tried to be! Not always sucessful of course)but taught him what was not okay. He is not pulling your hair because he thinks he's boss. He doesn't even know what that means! He's doing it because he can! He wants to see what will happen. Everything is an exploration. And all children get mad at that age when you tell them no. It is part of their development. You might want to get a book about that...I liked Penelope Leach's book about children 0-5 yrs old. She does a good job of explaining it.

I'm in a divorce -- have been since my child was six months old and she is now 20+ months old. My daughter does not do these behaviors (despite that she is subjected to MUCH stress at visitation transfers, etc.) Please check in with your pediatrician or some other resource -- I heard Tuesday's Child (correct name?) is good. Children model what they see... my advice is to ignore "bad" behavior and praise the good, but please check in with an expert. I understand the major challenges of separation, divorce and single parenting for both you and your child.

Hello,

I am a first time mother of a 16 month old and I had to chuckle a little when I read your request because my son did the same thing at that age and still finds it very funny to hit me in my face. I have yet to speak to someone whose kid did not enjoy hair pulling and face smacking. My son likes to stop his foot when he gets mad as well. I don't think you have any cause to be alarmed.

Best of luck to you!

Hello! I am a mom of 4 ranging in age from 12 to 4 years old. I agree with all of the moms that have already advised to discipline/teach your child right from wrong. If the word "discipline" gives you a hang up, or any of the other moms, then I encourage you to use the word "teach" instead. Because in the end, isn't that the role of a parent - - to teach the child right from wrong, teach them the importance of good behavior, teach them to be a productive human being, teach them to care about their world and all people. I also agree that at this age, keep it simple. The best teaching tool are to simply use yes and no. Don't try to explain why at this point unless it is just a few words that get the message across. Explaining should come later as they are able to understand the explanation. I also found that each child learns differently. I have one that learns more by touch so I would hold out one hand to represent the good choice and I would hold out my other hand to represent the bad choice and ask my child to pick the choice she/he would make. Ex. You can pick up the toys (Rt hand) or you can go to time out (Lt hand). Let the child actually take the hand that represents the choice she is making. This style probably comes later when teaching a child to make a choice is a little easier but wanted to mention it just to illistrate that teaching rules to children may need to be adjusted based on the child's learning style. Good luck!

I'm reading some of these responses and thinking some of you didn't read the same letter I did. This is an 11 month old BABY we are talking about, people!

You can't discipline a baby. Memorize this line: "we touch gently." Demonstrate it. He probably tends to do everything a little rougher than you would like - my younger son was like that. And he's my completely neurotypical kid - totally normal! (my ADHD kid didn't do any of that stuff.) Give him lots of love and good attention. Make sure he has toys that he can bite and grip hard. Put your hair in a ponytail and don't wear necklaces or earrings for awhile.

You might benefit from a session with a counselor who can observe how you interact together. It's totally normal for a baby to object when you abruptly take something away (that's why they call it "acting like a baby") Practice the art of distraction. Make sure he has enough sleep and isn't cranky due to teething.

But whatever you do, dismiss from your mind the idea that he's defying you or trying to irritate you. He's a baby. He's doing his job - trying to get what he needs.

He thinks he's the boss. You let him do it and he will continue. You need to grab his hands and firmly tell him he's not allowed to hit you. If he laughs then a good swat on his bare bottom and 10 minutes in time out will teach him that you are the boss and he must respect you. That's just my opinion and I'm sure that there will be those that read this and think I'm a tyrant..but I'm old school and we never had these kinds of problems with kids or the multitude of other problems we have with kids when a good spanking was standard practice. Ever heard of kids shooting eachother in the 50's? Ever hear of kids hitting their parents in the 50's? Ever hear of metal detectors in schools in the 50's? Nope. Kids were polite, respectful, and so on.

He needs to know whose boss. He thinks he is the boss right now.

It does sound like normal behavior at that age. If it is emphasized because of the separation, I wouldn't think of it as a "discipline" issue, more of a "need extra love & patience" issue. I believe it's way too early for discipline. I'm sorry about your separation. It's never easy, but in particulare when you have a new baby.

I think it is good that you are setting boundaries for him by saying no. I don't feel as if it is too young to discipline him and tell him right from wrong. It is also good to use short sentences with him during this time (i.e.- No hitting. No hitting mom. No pulling hair. etc.) Typically, we as adults use long sentences when we are communicating with one another. Another important point is to be consistent with whatever you think (i.e.- rules, how to discipline him, etc.). It is not easy to be consistent, yet it is benefical for your child. Good luck!