My Son Is a Bully

well...the good news is that this behavior has nothing to do with your parenting and is probably not an indication of things to come.....my 2 year old girl is doing the same thing....i'm always pointing out how friend in her books are gentle with their hands....so far the biggest improvements i've seen are these two things:

1...i taught her words for when she's mad or i verbalize her frustration for her (i can tell you're really mad, or i can tell you wanted to play with that toy or i can tell you need your space)

2. i litteraly take her hand and stop her hitting me and firmly guide her to stoke my face for my arm and say....i like it when you use your hands to be nice....

i've recently read in a book: firm but loving....firm but loving...and not to say things too much...to take action more...i have to get up and go stop her instead of telling her to stop something....

well...that's what i'm trying today anyway....as you know....this may not work tomorrow...but you are not alone out there! good luck mama

I just wanted to second what Inga told you. I would also recommend Mary Kurcinka's book and an OT evaluation for sensory issues. I have two spirited boys, the younger of which was aggressive like your son. Both of my boys ended up going through OT for sensory issues. I've read several of Mary Kurcinka's books and have even taken classes from her. She also has a website called parentchildhelp.com. Good luck--I know what it's like. I always wondered how other moms were able to have playground conversations because I had to be constantly watching my son. I felt left out and judged. He is now 9 and doing very well in school, no aggression issues there (his teachers love him). We are still dealing with some of the sensory issues, he can be aggressive with his brother and we are working on his yelling, but the OT and hard work have paid off.

I would think it would be too much stimulation for him...if that is how he acts, really only when he gets around others...

when my son has been in school all day long and we pick him up at night, he saves it for us...he is cranky almost everyday and requires 'alone time' or 'unwind time' by himself every day otherwise he will yell at us or just 'hate' everything...

I used to be the same way, still am when I get home from work but I cannot just start throwing things...

you could talk to him and tell him that you know it is going to be pretty busy for a little bit and that you won't be there long...yada yada just something so he knows you understand he is taking too much in...

Your son may not be a bully at all.

Try reading these two books:
The Out-of-Sync child

and
The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun

for ideas and coping strategies.

Hi, A.! I only have one child, and so I do not have a wealth of experience. But I'm reading a book right now called "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Something I just read about last night is that children who can't stop an undesirable activity--such as hitting and not being able to stop, continuing to run to danger (a pool, street, etc), etc--may benefit from occupational therapy. Your son may be very sensitive to noise, colors, bright lights, etc., and over-stimulated by his surroundings, especially at your older son's preschool, where there are, I assume, lots of children running around, lots of activities, different toys, etc. He may not know how to cope with the over-stimulation, and uses the only means he knows to process the sensory overload. It might help if you were able to bring your 3 year old to school a little bit earlier, before all the other children arrive, so your 2 year old isn't overwhelmed by so many older children who are so active. Perhaps he wants to participate just like his older brother, but doesn't know how to be involved in an appropriate manner, and uses the only means he knows to get noticed, if he is not talking as well as your 3 year old. (I'm making a lot of assumptions here--please forgive me if I am totally off base!)

It sounds like your little man is a very spirited individual! :) Kurcinka's book has been really helpful with understanding my spirited little boy. It's giving me insight into why he has such a hard time following directions and gives me skills to help parent him so he can be more successful interacting with people and his surroundings in an age-appropriate way. I just checked out the book from our library, and I know they have it at Barnes and Noble. And if you try some of the things she recommends (I would particularly look at the chapter on "Sensitivity"), and they do not seem to be helping, then I would talk to your doctor about recommendations for an OT.

Good luck with your little man, and God bless!

MAybe the boys are at war more than you know and he is picking up bad behaviors and just carrying them further due to his age. Also what is he watching on tv? he may be trying to re enact that. Look at environmental factors and what you can change before you get freaked out about other issues. If changing what he sees and is exposed to doesn't work then take him to a dr. If a child is exposed to violent tv, games, and play they are more likely to act out. And at 2-3 that includes Spiderman, Batman, Transformers.....

Hi A. -- I didn't have to deal with bullying, but what I did for "uncivilized behavior" might help because it gives some of the responsibility for discipline to the perpetrator.

When one or both of my kids would misbehave I'd say, "Okay, you have to have a 5-minute timeout as punishment for what you did, and when the time is up you can rejoin us IF you think you can be civilized and remember that each one of us is a human being just like you. When the 5 minutes are up, if you don't think you can do that, tell me and we'll figure out how much additional time I should set the timer for. And if you say you can be civilized and you rejoin us but it turns out that you can't be civilized yet, of course we'll have to start all over again, but with a 6-minute time out, and that would make both of us sad." Then I would put a kitchen chair in the hall and sit them so they were facing right into the wall -- no being sent to their room where they could play, etc -- and I'd set the timer for 5 minutes. (Then they couldn't think I was stretching the time out, etc.) Always when that first 5-minute bell rang they thought they could be civilized, and they always
were! And they knew that if they hadn't been successful they'd start all over again (but with the 6 minutes out) because I never made a threat I wasn't prepared to carry out.

I'm not sure how I'd apply this in the outside world but I do know I'd keep a timer in the glove compartment! I guess at someone else's house, daycare, etc, I'd do it like at home with a chair facing a blank wall. In a public place, I think I would have put the child in the back seat of the car, facing the rear. (Guess I'd put a good trashy paperback in the glove compartment too, to amuse myself while I monitored the back seat.) What I did when driving was pull over immediately -- even on the interstate -- and go through the routine, and I'd say "If you're late for soccer, you'll have to tell the coach why" or "If we miss the start of the movie, we'll know whose responsibility that is."

As I write this it occurs to me that I don't think my children were as young as two when I started this, but it worked at three. I wish you the very best, for your sake, but especially for your child's sake, because the person who is most damaged by the bullying is always the bully, and we don't want that!

Onward and upward! L.

Oh! be sure when his brother is involved that he gets the same time out and the same options at the end of the original 5 minutes!

My son went through the same thing for about 6 months at exactly the same age. I completely sympathize with you. It's rough, really really rough. He did eventually outgrow it (he's 4 now) but it was really hard when he was in that phase. I still went to playdates, outings, etc but I limited it to 2 hours and told him that we would be ther exactly 2 hours.

My little one only hit babies (which I think is worse) so I would watch him and if I sat his arm about to go up, I'd run over and hold it and tell him no and then take him away for 2 mins. (This went on a lot). Then I also told him that whenever he felt bad and wanted to hit, he was to come over and let me know and we would cuddle and do hugs. I also gave him an incentive. Since he LOVED stickers, if he could go thru a 2 hr outing without hitting (or any other disciplinary issues), then he would get a treat: he woudl be taken to michael's or joann's and allowed to pick one set of stickers. It took about 6 months but it did resolve itself. Yes, I did take him to the pediatrician as well to make sure there were no other issues as well and discussed it with the dr (who had 4 boys of his own). Good luck!

I would second the post regarding this being a trying time for kids who have a younger sibling. The 6-month age is when they start crawling/moving around a lot more and needing more attention, and that is often a time of strain for families because the older one feels put out. I have used "The First Three Years of Life" by Dr. Burton White. He has lots of practical, no-nonsense advice based on the Parents as Teachers program. I think the latest version is actually called "The New First Three Years of Life."

A.,

Go to Staples and get one of those easy buttons. I use it for many things because it is fun to get to push the button and hear it say "that was easy" .
Potty training, reward any good behavior with the button. I even use it when I finish those jobs like emptying the diswasher. it is surprising how good asomething so simple makes you feel!!
I learned about this in a coaching class that I was taking because of my business. Life is fun! www.jvoss.myarbonne.com Thanks J.

OK, I son't know you but I am sure because you are on here and searching for answers that you are a good mom. But we get into bad habits with our kids and allow these behaviors. Instead of going into it all I will tell you to check out loveandlogic.com. It is this amazing parenting model that is basically using empathy (love) and consequences (logic) to teach. You said you "explain how that is unacceptable." That simply doesn't work, as you can see. We as parents use too many words. I imagine they hear us like the peanuts characters hear adults "wha, wha, wha". We have been using love and logic for about a year with amazing results, and we just started taking the full class last night. We have a strong willed 3 year old daughter and the results are truly amazing. And the best part is that I am not longer angry or frustrated all the time! You can also usually check out the books from your library. Good luck!

Hi! This is very simple and I'm not sure I have a suggestion on how to deal with the behavior, but could he be acting out because of the new baby? (I see that you have a 6 mo.) He may be realizing that this new baby isn't going to go away and is here to stay. That's just the first thing I thought of when I read your post. One thing we tried with our daughter at that age was giving her the words to verbalize her feelings. ("I'm so mad! Mad! Mad! Mad! I am mad because...whatever you think the problem may be at the moment.) If nothing else she would stop her tantrum or hitting and listen because it was not something she expected to hear. Maybe he is using his hands because he doesn't have the words? Also, being that middle kid is tough. Just a thought! Can you tell dh is in the mental health field? :) Good luck!

Regardless if your son has autism, the following article describes the functions of behavior. You may also want to Google "functions of behavior."
http://www.autism-how-to.com/behav_function.htm

Good luck.