My Son Has Become Afraid of His Grandmother

It is probably the visual change that is upsetting to him. He probably doesn't understand. You should just talk to him about all of the physical things that are different....He may also be confused about why she lives with you now and why people come in and out of the house to care for her. Just be really honest on a very simple level with him and help him understand. You may also find some way that he can be helpful to her...bring her water or bring her the newspaper every day, etc. That may be a comfortable way for him to acclimate himself to the change in his and her life.

It's not that they are old. But I'd be willing to bet that a large part of it is that your son, at age 5, is much more aware now than he used to be, of how different his grandmother is from other people. 99% of the people in his life, and people he comes across in general, don't have COPD and don't have an oxygen tank. And now that he is getting older, he may very well be more aware (without knowing exactly what it is, but) that she is very unwell and nearing the end of her life. He doesn't know how to deal with that. So he tries to avoid it. Or maybe he is scared that something will happen while he is with her.

Even though he has been around the oxygen his whole life, he hasn't had the same awareness of things that he has now.
Try not to let it affect how you see your son. He is not being intentionally rude or disrespectful or anything. It is just something he doesn't know how to deal with emotionally.. much like you trying to figure out his reaction.

Your son is a "little adult" now, so respecting him with honesty on his age-level would help him -- he understands his grandmother is doing poorly. Have you ever talked with him RE aging or death? These are scary concepts, when a day lasts forever at this age and things should never change... Maybe he's afraid this will happen to him as well -- like catching the flu? Talking will respect his thoughts and feelings, not just his reactions, and assuage his unspoken fears.

On a happy note, your grandmother can still read stories to him, watch his favorite shows with him, draw/color/play board games, help him with homework -- showing how to include and not exclude would be a great focus for their love.

Good luck and light to your family:)

Children can sense when things aren't right. The fact that they were close since the day he was born, he will notice her health changing just as much as you do. It can be a scary thing for a child. Re-think what you told him why grandma was moving in. If you were honest about her health, then that could play into his behavior towards her as well. Have a little talk with him and try to figure out why he pulls away from grandma. I know it breaks your heart, but he won't be like this towards her for very long... you just need to get to the bottom of it. Hang in there

Have you just asked him? It could be that the tank scares him, or that he's afraid of the changes in her. Ask him, and talk to him about what is going on. Take him in there and let him talk to her about it. He's old enough to need an explanation.

My kids were 4 and not yet 2 when I had a serious accident, and they came to see me in the hospital. At first they were frightened of all of the tubes and wires and everything, but I talked to them (they had seen the accident happen) and explained that I'm still Mommy, but I need some help because I was hurt. Once everything was out in the open, they took it all in stride and started fighting over wheelchair rides once I got out. It's hard, but honestly goes a long way. Let him tell you.

I doubt your son is afraid of his grandmother. He is afraid of her appearance and the reality that she is very sick and dying. Even if you haven't told him that she's dying, at 5, he's bound to have heard people talking. I suggest that you be honest with him and explain in a very simple way what is happening to her. Allow him to ask questions. If he doesn't ask, you ask for him. For example: "I wonder if you're worried about Grandma?" That might be a good way to start this conversation.

Share pieces of information with him over several days. Stop when you can sense that he's not ready to hear more. He can't absorb it all at once.

I would directly ask him if he's worried that Grandma will die. I'm only 67 and in good health but my grandchildren have asked me about dying for several years now. They started around the age of 4. We talk about death in general, what to expect, and I emphasize that I am not dying anytime soon and that I will always be with them. You can't say she won't die soon but you can reassure him that she will always be with him, in his heart.

I'd also talk about his memories of her and about her and how she is still the same grandma even tho she looks different and isn't able to do all of the same things. Plan and suggest things that the two can do together. Are there any table games that they could both enjoy? My grandkids like "go, fish." Could they watch kids TV or DVDs together? Could he build something for her with his Legos or blocks?

Starting out with him drawing her pictures, as someone else suggested, for his grandma or even for you might be helpful You can gain insight from what he draws, how he draws it, and what colors he uses.

Is there a place in her room for your son to sit? Perhaps help him choose a special place that's his in the room. Keep some of his toys there.

If you think now is the time to deal with dying there are many good books written for children that you can get from the library. I don't remember names except for one entitled Freddy the Leaf. Another one was about a grandfather and child and how they spent time together before he died. Read them with him.

Once the "elephant in the living room" is out in the open he will probably be more able to spend time with his grandmother. The "elephant" being her illness and process of dying.

I also agree that Hospice may have some helpful suggestions.

And added thought. Because she's recently moved in your household has changed. He may be unconsciously angry that she takes time away from him or because everything is so different. He may just be mostly confused and need time to adjust to this new way of doing things. Include him as much as possible in your time with grandma. Let him go into the room with you some of the time. Don't try to involve him. Just let him be the way he wants to be. He may be feeling overwhelmed and his way of dealing with it is to withdraw.

I'm assuming that she doesn't come into the rest of the house and is unable to participate in ordinary daily activities. This would've caused me, as a child, to be anxious and I would have withdrawn. As I'm thinking about this an anxious feeling is coming to the surface. I know I was anxious about major changes in my child hood home and my reaction was always to withdraw and be very quiet and unwilling to do things.

What I would suggest is that you speak with the chaplain that is assigned to your family through your hospice about this. Sometimes it is a scary thing to see your once independent grandmother becoming more and more frail and chaplains are usually a great source of information on how you can open up a discussion with your son about what's going on with your mom and answer any of the questions that he may have.

There's also a possibility that, although your son and mother were once close when he was younger, he's a little bit older now and more independent and visiting with a bedridden (I'm assuming she is bedridden) grandmother is just not as interesting or enjoyable to him and being outside playing or spending time with his friends. This was the case last year when my mother was in hospice and my children were barely 5 and 6. Seeing them act this way was very hard for me to bear sometimes because of my own feelings about losing my mom and the fact that I just wanted to scream at them, "She's not going to be with us much longer so make the most of this time with her to say your goodbyes." I did have to make them visit with her but I didn't really press h*** o* the issue. I'm not entirely sure if I had this situation the right way but I just didn't see it happening any other way.

I hope this helps. Please take care.

I agree with what the others have said, children are very intuitive and I am sure he has overheard conversations that have seemed very ominious to him. Just model the behavior that you want him to copy..be very loving and kind and affectionate to your grandmother and let him see that you love her very much.You might also want to talk to a counselor with Hospice and see if this is something that is pretty typical of young children when people that they love are not well.
I also want to tell you how wonderful I think you are for having your Grandmother come to live with you as she approaches the end of her life!!! I spent last 6 weeks of my Mother's struggle with cancer, living with her and I know just what a huge committment you have made to your Grandma!!! You will be SO grateful for the Hospice Organization!! I truly do believe that they are angels here on earth!! Maybe God bless all of you...and please use this time to make wonderful memories with your Grandmother, take lots of pictures, let her talk to you about her childhood. If she has pictures from her past, get them out and talk about them, find out who the people are in the pictures or what the situation was when the picture was taken. Make notes on the back of the pictures. It will be invaluable information in the years to come!!! Most of all, just love her and enjoy her, and be there for her!!! And let Hospice be there for her AND for you and your family!!!
God Bless You

Here are some great books. I agree it is probably confusion more than fear. The fear is the change in his life and would happen in lots of other situations.. Hospice has great services, they may have a childrens program. I know they offer them here in Austin all year long..

Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie
The Next Place by Warren Hanson
I Miss You: A First Look At Death by Pat Thomas
Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs By Tomie de Paola

I am sending you a healing heart.