December 07, 2007,
M.H. asks from Higley, AZ on December 05, 2007
My Son Has a Mean and Rude Friend
I have a son that is 7 1/2 years old. Our neighbor and him are both in 1st grade. We moved into our neighborhood about 2 years ago and they have been good friends ever since. When his Dad is around the boy is pretty good, but when dad is gone and it is mom for about 3 months straight, he is rude, and a brat. I have 5 children total. The 7 1/2 year old Alex is the oldest boy, then I have a 6 year old and anothr one that just turned 7. Then a girl that is 10. When Alex is playing with the friend his friend is rude to at least one of Alex's brothers or sister. They will purposely pick on my 7 year old, and willtackle him down and are very rough on him. He does have some bipolar issues, and other issues and they know he is easy to push around. Or other times they will not let the 6 year old play. And when another kid walks over there the neighbor kid says " oh is he crying...well good.". This child gets EVERYTHING he asks for, and brags abou tit. But if someone else gets something new it just is not a cool toy. He also will tell Alex if you don't give me that toy i willnot be your friend. I don't know what to do about this friend. Alex will come home talking rude to me after spending the night over there, so I stopped that. Alex really likes playing with him since it is the only boy that really plays sports with him that is his age. But I am so tired of the kids being mean to all of our family and making our family fight. It causes stress in our home cause the kids come in crying due to the neighbor kid being mean to them. I don't know what to do. This kid is not kind at all, and I am raising my kids to be nice to everyone. The neighbor kid has even made fun of Alex's 2 special needs cousins when they are over. I don't want to ruin my childs friendship, but also I don't want him to think it is okay to be rude to tohers since his friend is. Somedays all the boys play together fine. But most of the time this kid is rude to at least one of them.
So What Happened?™
Well thank you for all your responses. I am glad that I was making the right choice in not allowing my child to play with the boy. I told all my kids that they were not allowed to play with the child since he is rude and mean to the brothers and sister. The child then realized that nobody was playing with him, and my kids even told him that he is mean to the other boys so they can't play with him. It has been a week without playing with him, and the boys understand why they are not playing with him. I will allow them to try and play again, but if it goes back to him being rude, then they will no longer play with him. The mother of the child also realized when her son came home cause the kids couldn't play, I think she realized that there was obviously a reason they were allowed to play with everybody else and not him.
J.D. answers from Las Vegas on December 05, 2007
I'm sorry to hear this kid is causing your family all this stress, it's a shame when your child has a friend who can be horrid. Firstly, I would definitly suggest that he not spend any more time over at this friends home, unless the father (who must be the disiplinarian) is home. It may mean having to awkwardly explain to the Mom of this kid that you're not comfortable with how your son behaves when he gets home after being at their house - but just keep reminding yourself that YOUR family comes first and all your doing is whats best for YOUR family. Treading around anyone elses feelings just takes a back seat to looking out for YOUR children first. And when this kid is in your home, tell him you have rules and lay them down. NO being mean, NO namecalling, NO excluding others. And if these rules are violated, he goes home and your son comes inside. And stick to it, if they're outside playing and one of your other children comes in complaining, bustle your son inside and send the other one home, explaining why. Remember M., it may be hard to have to distance your son from this friend of his, but this is for his own good. YOUR family comes first, ALWAYS. I recently had a friend (a good friend) that I had to cut off contact with because of her son. It was hard, but MY family comes first. Sorry this was so long, but I hope this helps. Good luck!! :)
1 mom found this helpful
B.C. answers from Phoenix on December 06, 2007
I don't really have any advice, my kids are still pretty young, but I think this is a good opportunity to teach your children how not to behave and also that there are some unkind people in this world and they will unfortunately have to learn to deal with it.
L.M. answers from Phoenix on December 07, 2007
That's when you need to tell the mom and dad that their son is not welcome to play with your son. You have to put your foot down and protect your kids from your neighbor's kid. Once he realizes that he's the PIA, then he'll be nice again. He's probably the only child, and jealous that your oldest son has siblings.
I have an almost 4 yo mildly autistic son who was jealous the first month our almost 4 month old was born, and he now dotes over him, helps me take care of him, and don't let any other kid bully his lil brother.
G.G. answers from Tucson on December 06, 2007
We had a similiar situation with my daughter (she is 4 - friend is 5 but has never been around kids her own age - always older cousins until starting kindergarten). It was a very toxic situation and I had just finally had enough when the "friend" continually insulted my child and started to try to touch our 2 month old without permission. When the friend thought I wasn't paying attention, she would be extremely rude, use bad language, and try to get my daughter to do things that would get her in trouble. I finally said they couldn't play together anymore because the "friend" didn't know how to play nicely. My daughter seemed relieved when I told her and barely asks about her anymore. My daughter's behavior improved dramatically and I know that it was the right decision. I know you hate to ruin a friendship but if it is a toxic situation, your child is better off without it. Bless you for taking on another's children and good luck!
J.J. answers from Phoenix on December 06, 2007
i think that you should monitor their playing time and when he says anything mean or rude you need to tell him that is not right and that you dont tolerate it in you home and that if he cant control himslef he has to go home. im sure hell tell his parents and when that happens you need to be frank with them and tell them that you dont approve of that kind of behaviour . i think your child needs to learn now that you will look out for him and that ifhis firneds anrent acceptable that he cant play with them. just imagine it a few years down the road. if this neighbor kid was stealing or in gangs, would you accept him at your home?
A.G. answers from Phoenix on December 06, 2007
First off I want to say that you are an awesome person and even greater mom! You've taken on so many responsibilities and obviously care a lot about these kids.
At this age (but not for much longer) you have the right and responsibility to choose your 7 year olds friends. You are his example, he is looking to you for the answers. If someone your age was treating you this way would they be YOUR friend? Guide him towards healthier friendships. It won't be possible to isolate him from the rude friend. Limiting his exposure to his behavior IS possible. Talking to your son about how he feels after playing with a nice friend vs. playing with a rude friend may be helpful. Perhaps eventually the rude friend will get the message that his behavior is causing him friendships.
D.K. answers from Denver on December 06, 2007
If the parents cannot be talked to then it is time to let your son know how important it is for him to have friends that make him feel good about himself. That behavior rubs off too later and he isn't a good influence on your son. Some kids that are shy tend to gravitate towards agressive or bully type kids for some reason. I would just start telling your son that you hate seeing him upset, that it is his choice but that wouldn't he rather be with someone that made him feel happy instead of sad. I had to put an end to one of my 6 year old daughters friendships because of the parents and their lack of supervision when my daughter was over there and that the girl was mean and rude to my daughter. I didn't make it a big deal but just started telling my daughter that she couldn't play with her for this reason or that, then finally sat her down and explained what being a friend was all about. They still see each other at school, talk and hang at school, however due to many incidents that pissed me off when my daughter went there and played and when the girl came to our house (she was rude, bossy and mean to my son), then I just nixed playdates. Eventually my daughter has a new set of friends, much more positive when she comes home from playing with them. YOu cannot force a child to chose or not chose a friend, however gently guide them in the right direction.
M.L. answers from Phoenix on December 06, 2007
"But I am so tired of the kids being mean to all of our family and making our family fight. It causes stress in our home cause the kids come in crying due to the neighbor kid being mean to them. I don't know what to do."
yes you do. It sounds like he is a good playmate when it suits him but not a very good friend. Talk to your son about the difference and help him find new friends. Or talk to the kid and say hey, be nice to all in this family or go home, and stick to it. Maybe he'll learn and you will have done him a great service.
J.L. answers from Austin on December 06, 2007
I had the same problem with a boy down the street. But, one thing that you have to remember, is that when any kid is at your house, your rules apply. What I did was to sit this kid down one day and have a serious talk about the rules in my house and if he couldn't, or didn't want, to comply, then he wasn't going to be welcome. He straightened out real fast. He was still bad with his mother but at my house he was good as gold. I even got some pleases and thank yous out of him and a lot respect that he apparently wasn't being expected to show at home.
You may just teach this kid something his mother isn't. That way, your kids learn a huge lesson also. Mine did.
H.Q. answers from Great Falls on December 06, 2007
My daughter has some friends that are hellions. And they like to come play at my house. That's fine with me - I'd prefer them to be here.
I tell the kids "These are the rules. If you can follow my rules, that's fine and you can play. But, if you can't follow my rules, then you'll have to go home."
It's hard to have them here all the time, but that is the way that I can supervise what my daughter is dealing with and can step in where necessary.
Also, I took my daughter and sat her down alone one day and told her that her job when frinds are here is to make sure they know the rules and that they follow my rules. If they don't then she is to tell me and I'll take care of it. That's kinda a lot to put on a 7 year old's plate (she is also 7)but it (hopefully) will teach her that doing what everyone else does is not always the best thing and that she needs to think for herself.
If you talk with the mother of the other boy, she may very well take it as a personal attack. Imagine how you would feel if someone commented about your kid - so I'd be cautious about that. I feel that if you state the rules and tell the boy what the results are that will help. I'm not saying it will take care of all the issues, but for us it's helped.
I wish you well - it's SO hard to have to be the guiding force for your kids and whatever friends they have, too.
G.W. answers from Las Vegas on December 06, 2007
Congrats on taking these children in and raising them to be polite!
I was starting to think that nobody did that anymore.
I had the same situation with my daughter and a neighbor girl up the street. I actually caught this girl "who was 6 at the time" pushing my son who was 1 yr old, it had happened before.
I hate to say it, but my daughter was not allowed to play with her after that. I also explained to her that she is never to let any of her "friends" ever bully her brother. Her friends will come and go in her life, but her brother will always be a part of her life, also if she allows it and I find out, she is the one that will get into trouble.
I do believe that family members should defend each other, if needed.
I can't say that this is the right choice for you in your situation.
K.N. answers from Phoenix on December 06, 2007
M. H. Let me start off by saying BRAVO!!! You are not just raising your own children on your own, but you have brought in other kids. That in itself is a very big accomplishment.
Now, with the neighbor kid. I would personally go to parent, and tell them what the child is doing. If the kid denies it, I would tell your son, "Just because he says mean things, it does not mean you are those things." I understand that it's the only child his age in the neighborhood, but I would ask your son if he would mind having that boy as a nonfriend, and explain what the boy is doing is wrong, and it's hurting you to see him hurting.
R.J. answers from Phoenix on December 06, 2007
The cool thing about being "Mom" is that what you say goes. And as "Mom", it is your responsibility to protect your child from harmful influences. If 7-year-olds were mature enough to choose their friends on their own, they wouldn't need us.