M.R. asks from Lake Wales, FL on October 03, 2007
My Relationship Has Fallen Apart!
I know this may sound like something that should not be on here but there is a category for it and I am completely distraught! I recently kicked my boyfriend out and feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. I love him with all my heart as do my children. It was a selfish move and now I regret it 100%. I would like a little advice if any on how to get him back. I appreciate any advice! Please help me with this.
So What Happened?™
Thanks for all of your advice! I, myself, do not see anything wrong with living with someone you care about. That being said, I talked to him straight forward and let him know how I felt and he decided to give us another chance. I am soo happy and the children are ecstatic! We have a new found respect for each other and I have come to understand that the little things that bothered me really werent worth crying over. Thanks to all.
T.W. answers from Orlando on October 03, 2007
I have been in your shoes, only my kids were much younger at the time. First let me start by saying, unless he's your husband he shouldn't be living in your house with you and your kids, Period.
As much as you might want that and as much as you think it's your life you can do what you want, just as much you have to set an example for your kids. Living together out of wedlock I am sure is not what you want your kids growing up to think is acceptable. I mean just like the old saying goes, why buy the cow if you can get your milk for free. You aren't going to get the kind of commitment you and your kids need if you allow him to live with you no strings attached. It's giving both of you the easy out if you need one. If you had no kids then I'd say hay go right ahead, but then the kids start getting emotionally involved with this person and attached and then for what ever reason you and your boyfriend decide the relationship is over then boom the kids are left abandoned too.
So, don't let him move back in. If you want the relationship to mend and continue then pursue it, but tell him he's not allowed to live with you anymore. You want to do what's best for the kids and that starts with both of you setting the good example. If he's a good man and cares for you and your children then he'll be on board with it.
Secondly, there's obviously some reasons why you kicked him out. You both have to work on those first away from the kids. I would suggest counseling, if you plan on making a life long commitment then I would suggest premarital counseling that is faith based if possible. You have to get to the root of the issue before you can start to heal from the effects of them.
It's rough at first, but if you both are focused on the best relationship possible it will work beautifully.
I was married for almost 10 years I had 2 kids one was 6 1/2 and the other was 4 months. My now ex husband came home one night and decided he wanted to see if the grass was actually greener in someone else's yard. We were together for a long time and this was devastating.
We were divorced and a few months later I met my now husband. I wasn't even looking and neither was he. We dated a few times for about 3 weeks and then we both got cold feet and didn't speak for about 5 weeks. At any rate, we started dating again. He loved my kids and they loved him, but we refused to move in together. I guess I should say he refused more than I did at first. He would come over and stay late, but always went home and was never there when the kids woke up in the morning.
We spent a lot of time together and always did things as a family would on the weekends. When we decided to get married we talked to the kids about it and we went to premarital counseling for months. We dated for 2 years before making this decision. We wanted to make sure that we had the most stable foundation we could have because there were kids involved. They were are and still are our main focus. I thought then what a pain all of that was and how I just wanted to be with him and everything would work out, but I can honestly say that what we did and the way we did it was the right way.
I can not ever imagine being without him and my kids have the utmost respect for him. My son who was 6 is now 19 and he knows the right way to treat a woman and how a relationship should be and that it's not all about the here and now or the physical aspects. Marriage and relationships are a commitment and you have to come into them prepared for the long haul.
Just take your time and really think about what you want and most importantly what's best for your children right now and then go get it.
Pray about it, and it will work out fine.
2 moms found this helpful
D.T. answers from Orlando on October 04, 2007
This seems like it might be a time for new beginning for you. Before you jump back into the fire, take more time and reflect on your values. Is this man, living in your home, what is best for your children? Why is he in your home, is he a good provider? There is actually a much more important aspect to consider, but I haven't heard it mentioned and that is do you love God. If you do, then what Tiffany had to say, would make great sense. What she had to say makes sense anyway. You are the example for your children. What kind of life do you imagine for them? Having live in boyfriends and girlfriends? Think ahead to their future, it really is all about them now.
You might try reading Dr. Laura's book on 10 mistakes women make, I could be way off on the title, but I remember reading it and she will be very blunt and considers all the reasons, we do what we do.
Take some more time, maybe he might be the right one, but you both need to grow and start being able to do the right thing, for both your life and that of your children.
By the way, if you will live with him, what motivation does he have to stay when you get older?
1 mom found this helpful
A.H. answers from Melbourne on October 04, 2007
I agree with Lyndall. Without knowing why you asked him to leave it is hard to say how to ask him to return. You and only you can decide if it is worth having him back. You also need to take a step back and review the situation that lead up to you asking him to leave. I have always found it useful to take a piece of writing paper, draw a line down the middle and label the columns "Pros" and "Cons". Make a list under each, be as objective as possible, regarding your relationship, placing the good things under "Pros" and the not so good things under "Cons". This is an age old remedy that people have used in decision making.
Give him a call, ask if he would like to meet somewhere....a place that has great memories for you. Pack a picnic, even if the special place is the middle of your living room. Make small talk which could lead up to why what happened. Don't accuse or take blame but rather look for solutions. Most of all don't make this a screaming match. It just worsens the situation.
I do hope that things work out for you. I am a hopeless romatic that always sees her glass as half full. Think positive thoughts!! Either way it will work out
A.L. answers from Melbourne on October 04, 2007
It really is hard to say what to do without knowing why you kicked him out. You did say your reason was selfish which leads me to believe he did not hurt you or the children. So, in your heart I think you know what to do and you're looking for validation. If you really love him as much as you say you do, then you do whatever you have to. And there is nothing wrong with living together, so long as you know you're children are safe. I don't mean to be critical but I do not agree with some of the things Tiffany posted, they sounded very hypocritical. I don't think a split up would be any more harmful than a divorce, and I don't see how spending all day and "family" weekends is going to make it easier if there is a break up. Being upfront may be your best bet. Maybe you could invite him to do something with you and the kids, then after they are put to bed, talk to him as honestly as you can. Don't be afraid and don't hold back. If it's meant to be it will be, but it will take work. I wish you the best up luck, sweetie, keep your head up!
C.M. answers from Melbourne on October 04, 2007
I noticed you did not write about why you kicked him out. There was obviously a reason for it. Think about that reason long and hard before asking him back. And when trying to win him back, (if that's the decision you make) don't beg, whine, or plead. Have a sensible, give and take conversation. Let him air his issues about you, and take them in stride. Give him that opportunity first. Then, take care with your words when you tell him that x behavior bothers you, and ask if he would he be willing to change that. Remember not to have a shouting match. Keep your tone low. Trust me when I say they hear you louder when you speak softer.
Hope this helps!
J.P. answers from Orlando on October 04, 2007
Call him. Ask to meet with him (without the kids) and explain to him why you thought you should do what you did (was it spur of the moment over heated anger? what triggered it ect.)
Then explain to him why it was a mistake, how you came to realize it was mistake, and what you learned from it (um.. ultimately that you love him and are willing to go through hell with him and stand by his side never to leave him again.. ect.) if that is how you feel.
If he loves you, he will come home and you both can start working on your relationship with one another and putting each other first before your children (if there is a long term commitment on the table). Should marriage be on the table? If you are that committed, and it sounds like you are, you should probably consider that route and start making long term arrangments and decide to become interdependent. God didn't intend for a world of single mothers and we don't deserve to be alone in this.
Although we have all proven we can do it on our own, we don't really need men, we can make our own decisions, and we are no ones pet, there comes a time when we have to truly listen and respect our partners desires, wishes, and understand why they are who they are and then understand why we ever loved them/were attracted to them to begin with. Sometimes we forget that when we are so full of pride.
Best of luck,
Time to figure out what's in your heart (and being alone isn't reason enough to take someone back.. just FYI.)
L.M. answers from Denver on October 04, 2007
Without knowing why you kicked him out it is a bit hard to give your advice on how to get him back. If it was something to do with being unfaithful or harmful to you or your children's mental or physical health, I say it is not worth getting him back. If it is for some other reason eg he has no experience with children or an instant family, a bit of patience on your part may be needed.
If you feel deep in your heart that he is worth a second go a slow and gentle approach may be the best way. If it doesn't work out and he is gone for good, it was never ment to be and some guy will come along that is perfect for you.
Good luck and I admire any parent who has the sole job of raising children.