29 answers

My Oldest Son Broke a Serious Rule - Are Consequences Too Strict?

Hi Moms,

I've enjoyed reading the advice on this site. This is my first post. I have a pretty serious problem and I'm wanting some objective opinions.

I have a 9 year old daughter, a 4 year old son and a 22 year old step-son. My step-son recently moved back into our house after having been on his own for over a year. We've been pretty lenient, I think, since he's returned, only giving him a few basic rules, but very important rules for us. The most important thing we told him was that if he wanted to live with us, he would have to stop smoking. He had quit smoking for about 3 months when he was living with someone else who wouldn't allow him to smoke. He said he had no problem because he wasn't addicted to it and just smoked 'cause his friends do and he gets bored. We told him if he could go without smoking when he lived with the other people, he could do the same for us.

The reason this issue is a deal breaker for us is that his paternal grandmother, paternal great grandmother, his uncle and his maternal grandfather all died painful deaths prematurely from either cancer or emphysemia (sp?) due to smoking. We are insulted that he decided to start smoking to begin with given how he saw his close relatives pass away, but he got involved with women and friends that smoke and he thinks it's cool.

Anyway, we told him we didn't want him smoking at home, or anywhere. We didn't want him to buy cigarettes or smoke anyone else's cigarettes either. We wanted him to NOT SMOKE AT ALL. We said if we found out he was still smoking, he would have a week to find another place to live.

Well, I found a receipt for cigarettes that he bought yesterday, along with the plastic from the outside of the package in his room today. I know he doesn't really like living here because he doesn't like having to keep his room cleaned or do any chores. He is very lazy and likes to just play games, watch tv and sleep. He doesn't get along with his sister at all and he's bothered by his little brother. He's been talking about how he hopes his best friend will move out with him in November, but his best friend lives with his father, and unlike my step-son, he seems to like having a no-rent place to live and respects his father's rules for living there.

Anyway, now we have to confront my step-son today when he gets home from work. I've left the receipt and the cigarette wrapper on his bed where he can find them so he knows we know. My husband wants to give him until the end of the month to find another place to live. I'm ok with that, except that we did tell him a week originally so I'm a little perturbed that my husband wants to give him more time now. But I can understand because my step-son has like $50 to his name so my husband wants to give him time to get a couple pay-checks from his new job before he puts him out.

I'm sure he'll go to his friends and make up some sob-story about how we're throwing him out for some BS reason, which is what he did when the people he was living with before threw him out for not following their rules. He'll make us look like the bad guys and like he did nothing wrong.

I guess my question is how would you handle this situation? Am I being unfair in your opinion? Would you be even more strict than we are?

I will say I would prefer not to hear anything about how whether or not he smokes is our business. If he didn't live with us, I would have nothing to say about that. But it's our house and we get to set the rules. Our rule is that only non-smokers can live in our house.

I just want to know if you think putting him out by the end of the month, as my husband has proposed, is reasonable. Also, how would you approach the rest of the time he's here? Would you ask him to turn over his cigarettes that he bought yesterday so you can throw them away? Would you just let him smoke as long as you don't know anything about it since he's leaving anyway?

We don't want to build a chasm between him and us so we want to keep this fair, but we cannot sanction this behavior. We were very clear with him on 3 different occasions over the past month about this rule, he acknowledged that he understood it and he said he thought it was fair. Obviously, however, he still feels like he can just do whatever he wants and not suffer the consequences of his actions.

Thanks in advance for your advice. Sorry this turned out so long. :-)

S.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

First, thank you very much for all of your responses. Oddly, when my step-son came home yesterday, I don't even think he put it together that I had been in his room because when my husband got home and asked him "Do you have anything to tell me?", my step-son said "no" and seemed very surprised when my husband said "What about those cigarettes you bought last night?" You could have knocked him over with a feather.

To address a couple of things before I tell you what ensued, first, I was in my son's room looking for the receipt because I had sent him to the store to buy some milk and it cost way more than it should have. The receipt was sitting on his bed and the wrappers were in plain sight. That said, I don't have any problem going through my kid's stuff if I think there's something harmful I might find, regardless of their age. Up until recently, I never went into my kids’ rooms, believing they deserved their privacy. I've since learned that is not the best policy and as long as my children are living under my roof and are my dependents, I can get my nose in their business any time I see fit. I learned this from a Christian family counselor who essentially said I was doing it all wrong when I wasn't checking up on my kids.

Also, in regards to it being our business whether he smokes at all or not, why is it ok for someone who’s renting out a room to say “Only non-smokers need apply” and they can evict their tenant if they find out they are smoking, but we’re not allowed to do the same for our son? As far as I know, “smokers” are not a protected class. Lots of people discriminate against smokers. Our situation is no exception.

Now, in regards to why he's living with us, that's a long story. He's very immature for his age. He may be 22 in years, but he's really more like 16 in maturity. He has some learning and motor skill disabilities, nothing he hasn't compensated for over the years, but he has impulse problems and because of his upbringing early in life, he has some very serious entitlement issues. He lived with us full time from about the age of 7 until last year. And as an aside, some of you said I should let my husband handle this. My step-son is my son. I’ve been in his life since he was 4 and have been his only “mom” since he was in 4th grade when his biological mother abandoned him. He calls me “Mom” and my husband and I handle all family issues together.

Now, he had an apartment and lived on his own at first, but quickly went through several thousand dollars worth of savings he had built up with shopping, drinking, getting tattoos, smoking, women, and goodness knows what else. We have babied him way too much and we know that now. We gave him a car when he wrecked his and he couldn't afford to get it fixed. We've bailed him out financially 3 times when he couldn't pay his bills and was going to be evicted. We did let him go to jail when he couldn't pay his outstanding warrants due to unpaid speeding tickets, but he didn't seem to learn anything from that experience and brags about it now like it was a right of passage. Each time we helped him out, there was a "plan" for how he wouldn't let it happen again, but then he'd screw up at work and get fired or he'd just keep spending like he had all the money in the world. He abandoned his apartment and the last 3 months, he lived out of state somewhere he was NOT ALLOWED TO SMOKE. Now, he's been smoking less than a year. He hadn't touched a cigarette in over 3 months when he came back to live with us when he got thrown out because he was getting into fights with others who lived there and not following their rules. We knew he didn't have any place else to go, BUT, we decided if he can go 3 months without 1 cigarette, why not continue the streak. He understood we didn't want any smokers living in our house. As far as we were concerned, he was a non-smoker and we wanted him to stay that way.

All that said, it just so happened that yesterday was my visit with a counselor whom I see for stress issues. She and I talked about what was going on and she also asked, as many of you did, if we had tried to help him quit. I said no because we were led to believe it wasn't an issue. She said she didn't think it would be going back on our word if we offered to help him quit and if he agreed, letting him continue to live with us rent-free until he can get out on his own again, which is the eventual goal.

When my husband got home and confronted him, my son said "Ok, I'll go pack my things." like he had no other choice, so I think he knew we were serious. We know he doesn't like living with us for the reasons I mentioned in my original post and he may be subconsciously trying to get us to throw him out because of that. We are a very loving family. We have always tried to be his "soft place to fall" as one of the mom's mentioned. We don't have terribly strict rules, but with my step-son, any rule is too many. We've given him gallons of free will letting him come and go as he pleases with very few restrictions. Until yesterday, I hadn’t stepped into his room even once. One thing that was a deal breaker though was the smoking. Now, we did say that we're willing to give him a choice. He can try to stop smoking by getting help like using the gum or the patches and as long as we have proof that he's doing that and NOT also buying cigarettes, we will extend his stay here. Otherwise, he has until his second paycheck at his current job, which would be about a month, to find someplace else to live. He was very reluctant in his reply, but said he would try to quit smoking and stay here.

We're going today to buy the smoking cessation stuff to get him started. Also, if he's living with us, we can add him back to our insurance during the upcoming open enrollment and he can get some counseling himself, which was the plan originally when he moved back since he has such a hard time keeping jobs and getting along with roommates and stuff.

My husband and I are not delusional. We think he'll put on the facade that he's trying to quit and as soon as he finds another place to live, he'll be gone. Of course, he'll want to come back when that doesn't work out, but we're not sure we're going to allow that again. You try and try to do good for your kids, but sometimes, they just can't be helped. My counselor agrees that my step-son will probably always be this way and that the only things we've really done wrong were to help him too much over the past 2 years. It's hard to let someone you love hit rock bottom, but my counselor says that's when he will probably figure out we were right all along. Until then, he will never have respect for us or our rules. He takes advantage of us, and everyone else he can, at every turn. He's not an evil person. He's just very self absorbed and his philosophy is that the only person that matters in this world is himself. He even has a quote that says that on his my space page.

Thanks again for all the advice. We will pray that he stops smoking for his physical health and that he stays around long enough so that we can get him the mental help he needs as well.

Blessings,
S.

Featured Answers

He's 22 years old! He knows what you said, but he's not HEARING you. If you don't like his lifestyle, give him his walking papers, and stay out of his personal choices.

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I'm against the stream... I think it's too severe.

It is an addiction and he can say he's not addicted but it's physical and he needs help.

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Ok, so my kids are 1 an 3 yo, so I'm hardly equipped to give you parenting advice. However, my husband fit the description of your stepson about 10 years ago. His mom made him do some community service, which gave him a serious reality check. It really turned him around. So, my recommendation to you would be to give him a written warning with the proof you found of his infraction. On the "warning" have an offer that he can remain in the home temporarily if he agrees to 2 conditions: go to the doctor for assistance in quitting, and do volunteer work (homeless shelter might be good for him). He should sign it and give it back to you or get out.

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S.,
As the parent and step-parent to 7 young adults some with some serious drug problems I understand your pain. You and your husband are really afraid for his health. In my opinion your rule of no cigarette smoking was a little unrealistic for a 22 year old. I could see that no smoking anywhere near your house but finding a receipt for cigaretts in my opinion is not grounds for the punishment you are giving him.
It sounds like you are driving the bus on what is the punishment. Let your husband deal with what he thinks is best because if you just throw the kid out and he gets into some real trouble you will be blamed.With a young adult this age I would assume what you are trying to do is motivate him to be on his own.You have a bigger issue that this with this kid other than smoking. He needs to be better motivated to get his act together to take care of himself.
N. Cox

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Hi there. Just my two cents...he should respect you home and your rules. Period.

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Kudos to you and hubby for enforcing respect! Kicking your child out has got to be one of the hardest things to do. Be careful about the entire month - chances are, once you tell him he's out, he'll flaunt his smoking because now there is no reason to stop. Also, beware of his response when you tell him that you know he's smoking - he may beg for another chance. You and hubby need to think of all the things that he could say and have a response ready before you talk to him.

Instead of cutting him off in one week if he doesn't have any money to move, you could give him a week to find a new place and you guys pay for the move in cost. That solves the time issue, but does put a burden on you. It might be an option though.

Good luck - it can be tough, but you do need to teach him respect. The other responses also mention helping him quit - great idea and i hope some of the suggestions work. The key, of course, is that he'll have to want to quit. Take care!

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House rules are one thing controlling someone's behaviors and habits are another. When you laid out the house rules on never smoking did he have any other option than to say "okay" (to be able to stay with you)? I would think he had to agree because you gave him no other option. If he was really trying to be defiant we would smoke in your house or right outside your house.
It sounds like you have very strict rules for him, he could probably use some grace. Giving him till the end of the month and helping him prepare for a move would show that you care for him and want him to succeed.
I hope it works out for him and your family.

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To answer your questions, no the consequences aren't too strict. He knew before hand the rules, and he made the choice to not abide by them. My kids are young, but I know one day I may be in your shoes. My only suggestion would be to let him do the talking first (love and logic). Start off by saying we saw the cigarettes and you knew our rules about the smoking, so what do you think we should do about it? Let him tell you to see if he remembers first. When it comes to finding a place, don't tell him how, make him think. So son, mom and dad love you and will always be there for you. What are your plans for finding a place of your own? Let him come up with the suggestions and you be there to just lead the way. Love and logic is basically a way of letting the kids know they are responsible for their choices and decisions, and you just guide them when needed. Tough situation....good luck!

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This is a hard situation. But because it is your step son..I really feel that you should allow your husband to deal with it. Voice your opinion to him but then allow him to deal with his son. If you don't, trust me, they will both resent you at some point. Smoking is bad..but having your husband resent you is worse.

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I think giving him until the end of the month is best. He does need a little time to save. I would not do anything about the cigarettes. He broke the rule, the consequence is that he has to move out. If you throw away the cigarettes he will probably just spend money on more and he will need every dime to move out. I would for sure not allow any smoking while at home, but leave it at that. Good luck!!

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