My Niece Is a Bad Influence on My Children

Cince you sister dosnt care to disaplin her if you still want to se her naybe you should become the mother sshe should have be dicaplin her with time outs etc.if mamma dosent like it let her react maybe sth wiil thank you good luck raised 4 aand now have 7grandchildre good luck A. no hills

I finally had to cut my niece and nephew off. This was when my son was 3 and they were 4 & 7... so quite a bit younger than your niece. Same types of mean/violent/abusive behavior (and I work with kids, I'm not talking the age appropriate kind of rough and tumble learning to interact with kids behavior, I'm talking violent, & cruel.) They were causing waaaaay too much trauma to my son, and too many headaches to me. I could deal with the headaches, but this wasn't about me. I had to choose; family politics, or my son's well being. (Similar things, hitting, biting, cattyness/swearing, ruining his things... essentially they just broke his heart or beat him up each and every single time we saw them.) I don't know why on earth I waited so long (yes I do, family expectations/chances/politics)... but one day my eyes opened and ENOUGH!!!

It blew everyone away, but it was the single best thing for us. We saw them at most 4 times a year after that (thanksgiving, xmas, and their birthdays). If they started treating him in an unacceptable way, we spoke up (warning) and if it kept up, we left.

FF 4 years later, they've calmed down (their parents got their act together), and my son and his cousins are great friends ). But I don't regret a single moment of the "ban". It was relieving, inspiring, w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l. And I'm really proud of it, because I stood my ground with both our families. But how on earth could I expect my son to trust me, if I just kept putting him in a situation where he was being abused?

It took over a year for the worst of the effects on my son to be gradually chipped away at (terror of other kids, shyness, fear, nightmares, reticence, and trust that the adults in his life WERE going to protect him). That year wasn't easy for him, or for us. A child who's naturally shy one can work with that...that's who they ARE, a child who has LEARNED to be afraid though, you have to keep exposing to children who WON'T attack him, over and over and over again, working through the trauma. We had to be extremely careful in the preschool we put him in, and work with his teachers, and work with him on a daily basis to coax him through his (justifiable, and proven) fears. If I had any doubts though as to my actions at the time... all I have to do is to look at my son in the eyes now. Mr. social butterfly, caring, trusting, kind, class clown. That he and his cousins are friends now is a bonus... if they hadn't changed we still wouldn't have a thing to do with them... and believe me, we tested the water very VERY carefully when we reintroduced the *possibility* of that relationship.

Both our families kept wanting us to do the "second chance" thing with them. Eventually I did. ON MY TIMEFRAME. For me, before I was willing to even consider it my son needed to be himself again, and to be able to make friends, and to have a solid foundation in acceptable ways to treat and be treated by other kids. For us that took 2 years. A year to get over "the worst of it", and a year for him to really blossom. Only after I felt he was solid did we start meeting up with his cousins. First in places we could leave. Then over at our house.

Anyhow... my story.

I think your neice should be made aware by caring adults that her behavior is out-of-line and harmful to others, that she needs to start making better behavioral choices, and that she has adults who are caring enough to help her do this.

So, if it were me, I would visit their home without my children, to give them my concerns. I would be insistant that the neice was present. Simply sit down and detail ALL of your concerns about her behavior. Describe the bad effects it is having on your children. If she tries to interrupt, be disrespectful, or leave the room, stop her and and tell her that each person will have the chance to respond, ask questions, then tell how they feel when you are done speaking. After all of you have shared, then try to work out solutions. She must be respectfully listened to and allowed to give her ideas as well. Consequences for certain behaviors should be a natural part of the discussion.

To this end I would not ban her immediately from my home or quit seeing your family. Rather I would change the focus of the visits. Adult time would be put aside for a while. The adults would facilitate her interactions with the kids. Just be present with them as they play. If she stepped over-the-line behavior wise or verbally, she would be gently modeled on how to behave, given agreed upon consequences for actions, and then positively reinforced when she did better. In other words, teach her how to behave in your family settings. Do this to unify your family and give love to this willful and unguided child.

We need to recognise that every child has worth, every child has feelings, every child deserves to be disciplined, cherished, and guided. She is related to you, step up to the plate for her as you would your own child. Teach her how to behave and make sure your family is as involved as you are.

If, after you have made every effort, and it does not work, then I would have another meeting and discuss it again. I would then tell the adults that only you yourself will visit and they are welcome to visit, but the children will not get together at all until your neice mends her ways. Stick to your guns!

Good Luck!

I think you should leave it up to her - either 1)she stops the bad behavior in your home OR 2)she doesn't come over. If she chooses to come over, then the moment she doesn't obey YOUR rules, she has to leave.

Put up some cute posters in your home... about "rules" on how to behave, for the kids. Much like Teachers use in their classroom.
That is what I would do.
And if they don't listen, then they leave. Or if in the case of your kids... stop playing etc. or what you normally do to correct them.

Its YOUR home. You and your kids should not be "abused" in your own home... that is a bad example for your kids, and disruptive for your family.

They are very dysfunctional.
You protect your own kids and family. Bottom line.

I would not allow that kid in my home.

All the best,
Susan

I'm going to echo what others have said. I would also ask, what kind of example do you want to set for your children? They are seeing someone (a child) rule the house (their house) and they feel unsafe (in their home). If someone, anyone, treated me, my daughter or my property in that fashion, I would politely let them know that was not acceptable.

Conversely, it sounds like she doesn't know the rules and if she does they are simply not being enforced, by you or her mother. You can be a wonderful example to her by setting limits. I would not "ban" her from the house necessarily, but she may need to leave after she is given the opportunity to follow the rules. She may need to experience the limit setting again and again because it will be so new to her. The consequence each time may be needing to leave your house if she chooses not to follow your house rules. "I'm sorry, I will not tolerate that behavior. When you can act respectfully, I would love it if you would return, but for now you will have to leave." End of discussion. You can also model limit setting for your sister.

She is begging for some guidance, discipline, knowing what the rules are and how she can be in control of the situation by choosing her behavior and therefore the consequences. Its no different than dealing with a toddler.

Best to you and your extended family!

Jen

Your house, your rules, if she doesn't listen then she doesn't come over. Period. Don't let your kids think it is ok for another child to hit them because then they will grow up & think it is ok for their husband or wife to hit them also. Your sister needs to get this child & herself into some counseling asap!

Good luck & God Bless!

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like your niece is really disrespectful and mean to your children and she should not be around them. I think you need to sit down with your sister and have a heart to heart. Tell her how important your relationship is and how important it is that your children are close to their cousin. But, explain how harmful her behavior is to your and your kids and that if it doesn't change, you'll need to stop spending time together. Find ways to spend time with your sis alone if possible, so that you don't forever damage the relationship.

I really think that, for awhile, your kids would be better off without the niece around.

K.
http://oc.citymommy.com

I would totally ban her from your house and make sure you tell your sister why. If she gets offended, too bad, in my opinion. That girl needs an adult influence in her life who will make her behave. She seems to be crying out for boundaries. I would recommend counseling for your sister. We say in our house "You choose the behavior, we choose the location." So, if she chooses to misbehave, then you choose where it occurs (not in your home, for example).

I had a similar problem with my nieces although to a lesser degree.
Your niece must know how to behave or she wouldn't still be in school. So she is capable of it. There is hope.

At first we had all kinds of problems with my nieces who were 8 and 4 at the time. My voice would be hoarse by the end of an overnight stay and I would be crazy.
One weekend I brought the oldest first into the living room alone. I calmly and caringly explained to her that we do things differently in my house and that in order for her to continue coming over she had to shape up. I told her that her mom doesn't always do things right and that in my house we keep things clean, we respect one another, we don't sneak food or steal things. If she wants food-ask, if she wants to play with something-ask. 9 out of 10 times I'll give it to her.
I asked her how it felt to be at her house with the disaster and the yelling and never getting what she needed. She admitted she didn't like it. I said "well, I have a different way, lets see if it works and how you like it".

It wasn't instantaneous, and there are still moments I find a hidden wrapper or I have to remind her that she's not in charge-I'm in charge, let me be the mommy and she gets to just play and be the kid.
They are now 11 1/2 and almost 8 and the difference is amazing. They are still just as awful at home as always but they beg to come to my house. My oldest niece recently asked to come and stay with me permanently because "auntie, your house is always clean and calm, nobody is mean and I really wish I could live there all the time".

Give her a chance-make it a short time frame-don't expose your kids unnecessarily-but you may be her salvation-after all she is a kid too, she just needs to be taught.

Good Luck.

Oh my God. She needs some spanking. Has she ever been spanked in her life? Your sister really needs to do something about that. Because it is her fault that the little girl is becoming an evil. May be you should tell your sister that until she does something with it, you are not going to allow her daughter to come to your house. I am sorry, but that's what i would do.
Wish you best.

Hi R.,

I know how frustrating it can be watching other people parent in ways that do not reflect your own values.

That being said, there are a few steps I would recommend for you and your son:

First, try having a conversation with your son about his cousin's behavior. Find out what he thinks. Ask how he feels when she yells, hits, etc. The more you talk to him, the more you will find that he is perfectly capable of recognizing the behaviors are disruptive and not something he wants to emulate.

Second, if the behavior occurs again, try talking to your niece. Kids act out as a cry for help. You niece needs something that she is not getting. Attention? Respect? Someone to understand her? ("Kids need love when they appear to deserve it the least."- Pam Leo) Rather than telling her what to do and what not to do, try to get to the cause of the behavior.

Third, you can respectfully disengage. Create situations in which you would be comfortable with your sister and niece's company (maybe a day at the park, a movie, etc.) and limit your interactions to those activities.

Lastly, if need be, you can calmly explain to your sister the reason why you are uncomfortable with the current state of affairs. Remember, your sister is doing the best she can with what she has and what she knows, so the more compassion you can tap into the easier it will be for her to hear this. This isn't about criticizing her, it's about making choices for yourself and your son that feel right to you.

Good luck and be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

R.,
It is your house not your mom or sister's home, you have to set rules and boundaries even if your sister isn't going to enforce them. You will have to be the enforcer. You will have to let you sister know that you are not going to put up with that behavior in your home. You set all the rules and you let them know you will be reprimanding your niece if they won't do it. I know it may be harsh at first, but they need to understand this is your home, your rules, and that they won't be invited back if they can't control her. You should not have to put up with foul language or the mistreatment of your children. Set boundaries!!
~~D.

Banning her from your house is NOT going too far. Why in the world would you subject your children and yourself to that kind of behavior? If your sister accepts it, that's her business, but I certainly wouldn't put up with a child like that in my house, relative or not. A 10-year-old hitting a 4-year old? No way, I would not let that happen to my kids. It doesn't sound like the visits are pleasant for anyone, so why persist? Sorry, but I don't understand the point of having that girl at your house.

I say tell your sister that your niece is not welcome in your home while she acts this way!! If she can change her behavior then she is welcome, but if she continues to act the way she does, she is not! I mean, would you invite friends over who had kids that act like this? Probably not, so don't make any exceptions just because they are family. Nobody needs a bad influence on their kids around, don't put yourself through that. Your kids don't deserve it, and neither do you.

You're such a good aunt to be so concerned for your niece. She's very lucky to have you in her life.

The way I see it, you have two options:

Option #1 - tell you sister and your niece that due to her aggressive and unruly behavior, she is no longer welcome in your home. This will improve the situation for you, but not for her.

Option #2 - Make your niece live by YOUR rules when she is at YOUR house. This will improve the situation for both of you.

I chose option #2 when this happened to me. My niece didn't like it at first, but by the end of her first overnight visit, she confided in me that she hated living at her house and wished that she could live with me. She even went so far as to say she wished that I was her mom! Broke my heart to have to send her home after hearing that. I try my best to arm her mother (my SIL) with constructive parenting techniques, but she considers herself "too smart" to need any help. It's sad, but everyone has their journey in life I suppose. For now I just try to stay available for my niece and hope that she internalizes how much happier a life can be when it is ruled by patience, kindness and responsibility.

Best of luck to you!

omg what a nightmare
i would have told her (a long time ago) that if she can't or won't follow the rules of my house then she will not be allowed to stay in my house. Which incidently is how the world works too, so you'd be helping her more than you think. don't wait for someone to tell you what you're doing is okay, follow your instincts. and perhaps others will join you in being parents not friends to their children

I would explain to the niece that when she is at your house your rules apply which means treating everyone with respect, including her own mom, etc., etc. And explain that if she doesn't follow the rules you will not allow her over anymore. Her behavior is unacceptable. There are no exceptions or more chances. The first times she disobeys she's out. In a month or so I'd give her another chance and periodically give her chances to change but if she doesn't that's it. Don't back down.

If I were you, I'd lay down the law. I'd tell my sister that if her daughter didn't start acting better she would not be allowed over anymore. The kind of behavior she's exhibiting is unacceptable and you don't want that kind of influence around your children. It's tough love, but someone needs to give your sister a wake up call that she's not doing enough.

It's too bad your sister can't control her own child. If she is like this at 10, imagine the road ahead as a teen.

At 10, I think you still might be able to make her behave when she comes over to your house but you would have to watch her like a hawk. I know that is hard when you have your own kids to watch, but unfortunately this 10 year old knows she has control over adults and that's a sad state. Don't let her have control over you! When she screams, let her scream. Be firm about what you are telling her and let her scream all she wants. When she is done with her fit, reaffirm what you said. When she eats, make her eat at a table and when she is done clear all the food away. And if she is sneaking food from the fridge/cupboard and going upstairs then, well, you're just going to have to follow her around and not let her into your food. If she hits or says bad words, then no TV/phone/computer privileges. Make her behave GOOD to get what she wants, not bad. If she doesn't put away toys, then she is not allowed to play with that toy the next time around. It will probably turn into a battle of the wills and a lot of attitude, but this kid probably wants boundaries!

Unfortunately, banning her from your house is not solving the problem as far as her upbringing. It might even validate her behaviour more if she knows she was able to pull that off. But in the end, it's your house, your rules. You have your own kids to raise, so if its causing you and your family too much turmoil, then let your family know she is an unwelcome guest.

I don't think that's going too far. It's hard to teach kids respect for rules and other people's belongings. You can't alter your niece's behavior and it's pretty hard to expect your kids to learn anything good by watching her take advantage and mistreat people. I actually have the opposite problem with my step-kids. The boys (17,20,&21) use terrible language and talk about things that are inappropriate (sex,drugs,etc) around my nephews who are a few years younger. My sister doesn't bring her boys around if she knows my step's are going to be there. It is a bummer but I totally respect that she is protecting her children. My son is 2 so hopefully the boys will have grown up a little by the time he is older. They live 1,400 miles away so they aren't around very much.

Talk to your sister first. If the behavior does not change I would tell your niece that you love her very much but that you will have to ban her from your house if this continues. Your children come before anyone else!

Dear R. --

I have not yet read the other responses.

One of the things that occurred to me as I read your request is that your mother and sister are probably having some difficulties __between themselves__ in the home.

I'm guessing that the only attention your niece gets is negative attention.

I'm guessing that there are serious disagreements between her mother and grandmother about what behavior is expected of her and how to teach or discipline her.

I'm imagining that your sister has, for whatever reason, backed off from being a mother and may have reverted to being her mother's daughter, or perhaps always has been, and has removed herself from being her daughter's primary care-giver/teacher/role model.

The child behaves this way because, not only has she not been taught not to, she has discovered that this is the __only__ way to get any kind of attention at all.
This is very sad.

Certainly you need to protect your children from their cousin. I'm sorry you didn't decide to do this a long time ago. You will need to explain to your children, as well as you can, that you're sorry that they have had to put up with this cousin and that they will need to learn behaviors that are socially appropriate, kind, non-aggressive. In order to help them learn these behaviors, you will model them as best you can and you will not allow their cousin to visit with them until . . . . until . . . . hmmm.

How you will approach your mother and sister, I am unable to suggest. They are probably __both__ in denial regarding their behavior and its impact on the child.

You may want to get some counseling regarding how to address the situation with them, perhaps even attempt to get them (either or both) to go to counseling with you.
Though your niece is the loser in this situation,
your first responsibility is to your own two children.
Your niece's behavior won't change until her mother and grandmother change their behavior.

Best wishes,

S.

=========================================

Now that I have read the other responses,
my only comment is the niece should NOT be spanked.
That would not help, and would not teach her anything.
Well, I guess it _would_ teach her that power/hitting trumps everything else.

S.
who hopes that spanking/hitting/beating becomes so outmoded that it will be looked upon as a strange custom from the distant past.

I would tell your niece and sister that if she can not follow the rules in your house she is not welcome. It is your home your rules.

YES! You should just ban your neice from coming over. You need to protect your kids. Who cares what your sister or mom say or think. Do you want your kids to grow up like that little witch or do you want to be on good terms with your sister and Mom. I know what I would choose. And maybe they will both understand, and if they don't, oh well, that's life. Your kids are too important.

WOW! that is hard to advise on. You should talk to your sister and tell her that you have guidelines for your children and that when her dayghter is visiting she has to abide by them.

You can tell your neice that in front of your sister.

You might have to uninvite her from your home if that don't honor your guidelines (rules)

R.,

Your children are your FIRST priority. If your sister and mother cannot or will not teach your niece manners then your niece nor your sister and mother should be allowed into your home.

Let me explain a lil further. I'm sure there are those that are gasping and saying, "oh, but the niece is innocent." Well, innocent or not, your kids come first.

I'm sure you love your niece with all of your heart, but your children's safety and well-being are the priority. Also, this is YOUR house, when your niece and other family members arrive, you need to put your foot down and TELL them what your rules are. If they complain, show disrespect or roll their eyes, then you sweetly say, "Adios!"

Your sister (and possibly your mother) are showing you and your family total disrespect. Your niece has been taught to disregard the feelings of other people.

I am a mother and my sister (who is mentally ill) used to come by with my nephew. My sister taught my nephew horrible untruths about us (mild: my mother and I were the devil and other things I won't post here!). I love my nephew and tolerated this behavior. I even told my daughter to ignore it UNTIL, the day my daughter was in my sister's care and I found my daughter with a broken arm! Neither my sister nor my nephew showed any care and my sister actually complained that my daughter was being over dramatic.

R., you cannot risk your children's well-being for the abusive behavior of your family.

Continue loving your niece, maybe you will instead hang out with her one-on-one outside of your home. But tell your sister and mother why she and they are not welcomed in your home until their behavior changes.

You are the one that has to look at your kids and explain why you continue to allow mean-spirited people (even if they are family) into your home so they can break toys, show disrespect and act ugly.

What is the problem? Of course you ban this girl.
Your son's well being comes first. You can't change the
bad behavior and you know it. Sad story, but that is that.
B. v. O.

I just scanned the other responses and mine is basically the same - your neice should no longer be allowed in your home and you should stop going to her home. Invite your mother to come to your house but unless your neice shapes up, she should not be around your children. If someone ever hit my child, that would have been the last time they were allowed in my home.

I totally agree with your advisors, especially Nadia.

R.,
Whoa. Completely unacceptable. Speak with your sister right away. Take her out to lunch. Lay it all out. See if anything changes. Then, I'd follow Riley's path below. That type of behavior cannot be allowed to continue -- especially in your house. Very best of luck with this difficult family situation.

I have banned plenty kids from my house. If they can not abide and respect my rules then they have no business being allowed in my house. Whether its family or not, same rules...dont agree then stay away. I banned my nephew 6 years ago...he has yet to come by. And low and behold this nephew has gotten kicked out of schools and banned from lots of other places and family!

Stick to your guns, and protect ur kids and house rules. If u dont, then ur kids will think its ok for themt o act like this as well.

Goodluck!

wow, so many great posts here. Riley J's story especially touched my heart. It's so difficult when dealing with family/politics but you have to put your children and their safety/happiness first. Good Luck to you & stay strong.

Okay, I am giving the same advice I gave another mother. You will need a nanny cam in several spots in your house. THe next time your niece comes over have the nanny cam running in all locations. You need to catch her in the act and then sit down with your mother and sister and show them her behavior and say that this is unacceptable, it hurts your children, and she is not allowed until she is in therapy and can behave like a decent human being. SHe has learned this behavior, probably from other children, but your mother and you sister may be doing the same thing to her. This is a learned behavior. If your mother and your sister defend the girl, they are out of there too. I would also report them to child protective services and show them the results from the nanny cam.. Your niece needs help and until she gets it there can be no contact between the cousins. You will need to have some backbone here. They are walking all over you and you are allowing it. Not only is your niece a bad influence, but so is your mother and your sister. Lets us know what happens.

Don't feel bad. You are not alone and I can assure to you that there are hundreds of that type out there. I wen through the exact same situation with my niece too. Our boys are three to four years younger than my niece and two nephews. Our boys at the time were 9, 8 and 6 years old. Unfortunately, they treated my boys the exact same way. Their mother my sister-in-law, says nothing to them or even bother to put any type of discipline on her kids when ever they come over. My husband gets on to them and she steps in telling my husband to "bud out." She doesn't work but always come over wanting something. The cussing language which is something I don't ever allow in my house, the respect our sons shows and they think they run my house whenever they come over, they demand be taken to restaurants when ever they come over, demand our sons allowance and digging around our boys room looking for their wallets demanding their allowances to be given to them, etc. I say something to them about respecting my house and they fire back talking to me like they do to their mother. I finally had enough and showed my island side, swinging my belt around, yelled at them, flew everything to their direction, and as they tried to run for cover still calling me foul names in the book, I grabbed each one and tossed them out of my house. Their mother tried to step up to me and I shoved her out of my house yelling at them not to ever step foot in my territory again. Our boys grew so frustrated and sometimes hide and lock themselves in their own rooms that their cousins knows how to pick their bedroom doors and make their ways in each room. I get involve as soon as I hear screaming. They are mean to our boys, hitting them, tearing up their toys, games, even to forcibly stealing their things without our knowledge until the youngest one talked and told us. Found out we are not the only ones my sister-in-law and her kids victimized. They did it to everyone of my husband's siblings and their children. It got so bad they were banned from everyone's homes. As these kids became adults, each and everyone of them had jailed time along with their mother. Sometimes sending a hard message learns a lesson. Sometimes people still don't learn until it's too late in life. Unfortunately, if your niece controls her mother, it's clear that her mother already plays the daughter role and the daughter plays the mother role. It could be that all your niece ever knew growing up is "yes" and never been told "no" if she was raised that way by her mother. Now growing up, she is used to be given things and if not, she throws fits to get it without punishments and disciplines. You are in control of your household and having her around may be easier to influence your youngest to pick up on it...

YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST ALWAYS.
These are your children, this is your home, your rules.

No one should bully your child. Would you allow your child to visit someone with the same outcome? Why allow it in your home?
Family or not.

Explain in plain terms to your children that they are your priority and that NO ONE is allowed to bully them. You may want to appologize to them as well, for allowing this to continue this long. Parents are not perfect. WE learn as we go too.

Then explain to your sister why her daughter is not welcome in your home until she is able to get her under control, ALL of her poor behavior. If you are close to your mom, meet her for coffee while the kids are at school or have her over to visit the you and your kids without your niece.

It is simply not fair to your kids to have to put up with the disrespect they have been shown lately.

Good Luck!

I agree with everyone else. I do believe that you need to have your house rules posted. Go over them with your children first and then make sure your niece, sister, and mother understand them also. Then you need to follow through if any are broken. Just like a teacher would do in the classroom. Children do understand rules, boundaries, and expectations.

I hope that this works for you and your niece. Maybe your sister and mother could adopt your house rules so that your niece's expected behavior never changes from one location to the next.

Hi R., Are you kidding? you must protect your children from this child. There is no question that she is miserable and will spread this to your family too.
I feel so sad for your Mom and your sister to have their hands full, and your niece is needing help, but I would NOT subject your children to her until she is safe to be around. NEVER leave them in the same room, your kids are defenseless. If she wasn't your niece would you see her?
Support your sister in getting some evaluations for her behavior, she may have some allergies, or anger issues, who knows????? good luck I'm sure you love her, but love your kids more.

Hey R.,
You are your children's mother and it is your job to protect them. If your niece is unable to treat you, your children and your home with respect, she should not be allowed over. She is much older and bigger than your children (and should know better), and she could seriously hurt them. You may have to take a stand with your sister, which may be very difficult. If you don't take a stand what message are you sending your children?
Also, I would suspect if your niece is behaving this way that something is up. Her behavior sounds as though she may be being abused, so I would definitely bring this up to your sister out of concern for your niece. If not, you could always call CPS to find out what they suggest.

oh my gosh R. I wouldn't invite your sis and her daughter over hey protect your kids I would talk to your sis and say hey your kids behavior is unacceptable and she needs to change or else she is unwelcomed at your home sorry but your kids dont need to learn any bad behavior and especially from your sis's kid and that child should not be allowed to torment your son or your house no no no!!!! take care of your family because that is your family and everyone else is outer family. take care.

If it were anyone else, you would not want them spending time with your kids... why should you have to just because she is family? If your kids are miserable and picking up undesirable behavior, I would definitely spend less time with your sister and niece.

Ah yes...the age old "I can't parent another person's child" challenge. It has been and will continue to go on.

Here is what I know,
1. everyone has the right to parent their own child. And
2. everyone has the right to feel happy and safe in their own home.

I have a very defined set of rules in my home. Every person, adult or child knows them. It's not like they are posted on my door or anything, but it is very clear what is allowed. We are consistent with everyone who comes into our home so there is no challenge on our part.

For example, if you come in, you will wash your hands. Period. There is no discussion, there is no alternative, wash your hands. There is sanitizer by the door if you don't want to walk upstairs to the bathroom. Yes even grandma and great-grandma knows to wash their hands when they enter our home.

If you are coming/staying for dinner, I will do my best to accommodate, but this is not a restaurant, if you do not like what is made, sorry. There is bread, jam and peanut butter in the fridge.

Respect is a non negotiable. Respect of self and others. There is no rudeness, no sarcasm, no bullying allowed, and yes, that includes siblings.

We had 22 people in our home last night for my daughter's 14th birthday, an aunt decided to yell at her own 15 year old. I said very nicely, "we do not yell at children in this house. If you choose to parent that way, please do so in your own home." And I continued on with our conversation. There was no discussion, there was no arguing, it is a fact, we do not yell in our home. Did my sister get PO'd yes, did she glare at me? Yes. But did she speak that way to her daughter again, NO she did not. Will she visit again, I am not sure, but that will be her choice not mine.

I am very set with what is acceptable in my family, and call me a B*T*H if you wish, but you know what? My friends know what is acceptable with us and what is not. A friend who continually uses sarcasm to "be funny" does not do so around my family because if she does, she knows we won't come to visit. She makes the choice what language to use and I make the choice to visit or not.

R., this is your family, your home and your decision. I would not necessarily BAN your niece from visiting, that word alone is enough to start a family fight, but definitely, know what is acceptable in your home, know what is not and stick with it. And make sure others know.

This may seem like a little to the extreme but it might just set the point...if your niece came into your home with something you find unacceptable like I don't know let's say drugs...would you let her do it because it is obvious that her mother has no control over her? To me, if it is against my morals or my beliefs, no matter what the "level" of inappropriateness, I would be out of integrity to allow it to happen in my presence.

R., ask yourself “What am I teaching my children? Am I teaching them that it is okay for someone to be rude, hurtful and mean to me just because they are family?”
Just asking.

B. H, B.A.;B.Ed.
Family Success Coach

You need to have a talk with your sister. You need to get the "OK" to disapline your way. It's not ok for your neice to treat your children this way. If your sister refuses to let you disapline her child.....then don't let her in your house. I know this could be a problem, but you have to keep peace in YOUR house. Your sister needs to get a reality check. She needs to understand that she is not raising her child the right way.
Good luck to you!

YES ban her from your house! Until your sister gets some professional help and gets her under control. My 10 yr old doesn't even know bad words, although I was dismayed when a boy at school taught my 7 yr old "The finger" and she got in trouble for it at school, but she still doesn't know what it means.